Two Soldiers: Fire and Ice
by Artemis' Bow
Summary: Nel Zelpher is an incredible soldier, but even she isn't immune to fear and nightmares. Sometimes she needs a friend, and sometimes, that friend can be so much more. Chapters 16-18 taken down and republished after some editing
1. Nightmares, Fear, and Comfort

Disclaimers: I don't own Star Ocean: Till the End of Time. It'd be kind of nice if I did, 'cause that'd mean I'd have money, which I currently don't, so unless you want a cup of pennies, don't sue me.

Don't bother flaming me about the subject matter. I'm a lesbian, I write shoujo-ai (lesbian) stories, you have been warned. Don't read it if you have a problem with either of those facts. It's not my responsibility from here on if you're offended by homosexuality, so don't bother flaming me. If you do, you will be ignored or mocked. That said, on to the story. I haven't finished the game yet, though I am most of the way through, so I'm just using scenes that I've already seen. For the most part, this will be missing scenes that I had in my head when I was watching the events in the game, and thoughts during regular events.

I may not have captured the characters perfectly, or even well. Sometimes the characters will be deliberately out of character, but I'm claiming poetic license and really weird hours. Tell me so I can fix it if you notice something major.

**Two Soldiers: Fire and Ice**  
**Chapter 1: Nightmares, Fear, and Comfort**

"It's me. Can I come in?"

Clair Lasbard looked up at the knock and the soft voice, setting aside her book.

"Of course, Nel. Come in."

She was a little surprised by her friend's visit, since it was the middle of the night after a hard mission, but not displeased. Nel Zelpher was always a welcome sight. The red-haired woman walked in, her steps almost silent and a strangely distant expression on her face. Clair tilted her head, pushing one light gray tail of hair out of her face.

"Nel? Is something wrong?"

Nel looked like she was torn between turning around and coming closer, her green eyes pained.

"Nel?"

"Clair..."

She wavered slightly, unsteady on her feet. That alone was enough to cause alarm bells to start in her old friend's mind.

"Nel, what's wrong?"

The spy took a hesitant step closer, and her friend rose to meet her, shaken by the continued silence. Nel was one to get straight to the point, and she rarely did anything without cause.

"Clair... I just wanted to say I'm sorry."

"Sorry? For what?"

"For... for a lot of things. I didn't mean to worry you today, but I..."

Clair put a hand on the small but muscular shoulder, her head tilted again. Nel was acting very strange, and she wondered if something more had happened today than what she knew.

"I know. You had to rescue Tynave and Farleen. I understand that. I'd do the same for you."

Nel smiled faintly, then swayed again, and her friend could feel her shaking slightly under her hand.

"Nel? Are you okay?"

"I..."

The hand she had wrapped across her chest in her typical pose moved away, revealing a stain on her clothes that she hadn't noticed before, hidden as it was by the strong arm. The aforementioned arm was bloody, as was the cloth around what was obviously an injury.

"What happened?!"

"Before Fayt and Cliff found me... the Black Brigade had me cornered. I got cut."

"Could I see it?"

The redhead's response worried her, because she didn't complain about being fussed over as she usually would. She didn't object at all, actually, just pulled aside the broad belt and took off her shirt, leaving the gash plainly visible on the pale skin.

"Nel!"

Her friend swayed, then fell against her, leaving Clair to hold her up and help her lay down on the bed.

"Easy, Nel."

She examined the wound, finding that it wasn't deep, but it had to be painful and it had obviously bled quite a bit.

"Why didn't you take care of this sooner?!"

"I didn't... I didn't want to make you worry more than you already do. I didn't realize how much it was bleeding until later, after the meeting. My clothes put pressure on it, it seems, but when I started to change, I saw it."

"Then you came here?"

There was a long silence as Clair patiently healed the wound as best she could with runology, waiting for the answer.

"I... yes."

"Why? You're capable of healing yourself. You've done it before. I'm not saying I mind, Nel, but you've never come to me with something you could handle yourself."

"I..."

The green eyes turned away from the light brown focused on her, another warning sign to her old friend. Something wasn't right with the other woman, something that had caused her to seek out Clair.

"What is it?"

"I knew you'd make it better..." the redhead whispered, staring at the wall.

"The cut?"

"No."

The intense eyes focused on her again.

"The day. This day."

Clair's brow furrowed. Whatever happened on the mission today had thrown her friend far off her typical stride, something she had never seen before.

"What happened?"

"I..."

Seeing fear in Nel's eyes was like watching the sky turn the color of their depths. It just didn't happen.

'What could have frightened her so badly?'

She slipped into the bed, gathering her into her arms, almost shocked to feel the strong form shaking in her grip.

"Nel?"

"I would have died, Clair. If they hadn't come, I would be dead now."

If it had been a normal soldier, she would have been concerned, but not surprised. Nel wasn't a normal soldier. She stared down death every day without blinking an eye, and she had certainly been closer to it at other times and had always come out fighting.

"That's never bothered you before, though. You always say you've accepted the risk of that happening. You risk your life every day."

"But I've never..."

"Never what? I know I've seen you get out of worse situations than today."

Nel closed her eyes, leaning into Clair's welcome warmth.

'How do I say this without losing everything? Why did I come here?'

"I've never... had a regret. I always knew I was doing the right thing for my country, and I knew that even if I had to die, it would be worth something."

The taller woman brushed her hair out of her face again, pushing it over her shoulder.

"And there was something you regretted today, or were you not so sure you were doing the right thing?"

Nel sighed.

"Both. If I had died today, it wouldn't have benefited anyone. I wouldn't be able to serve my country in ending this war any longer, Tynave and Farleen would have died... Fayt and Cliff might have died, too..."

"Okay, so I understand why you're confused, but what would you have regretted?"

There was another sigh.

"That I hadn't said goodbye."

Clair blinked at the unexpected answer.

"To them?"

"No."

The green eyes reopened, piercing her with their sharp focus.

"To you. I just left last night without saying goodbye, and as those soldiers stood over me, I realized that I'd never realized what I'd be leaving behind. I... I didn't want to do that to you, Clair."

The commander was forced to fight back tears at the response, tightening her embrace around the slim spy.

"I'd be devastated if you died, Nel, but you've never been this upset by a brush with death. Why is this time so different?"

"Because I didn't... every other time, I've said goodbye to you. I've always done it if I could, even if I had to go out of my way."

Things started falling into place in the gray haired woman's mind, but she still didn't have all the pieces of the puzzle. Still, it was obvious that Nel was exhausted, and she pulled her blanket over both of them, finding herself in the unusual position of providing comfort for her friend.

'It's usually the other way around. When we were young, if I had nightmares, she was the one I went to, not Adray, even when he was there. Even now, she takes care of me if I'm upset.'

The spy shivered again, then relaxed.

"Thank you, Clair."

'You don't realized how much I need this after today, after that... nightmare.'

The runologist just smiled, waiting patiently as sleep claimed the redhead. When she was sure Nel was asleep, she let out a long sigh, thinking of earlier that day.

(Flashback)

Nel came in the door with Tynave, Farleen, and the engineers, but Clair hardly noticed them.

"Nel!"

She had approached the smaller woman, unsure if she should allow herself the indulgence of embracing her friend, then decided she didn't care what anyone thought. The redhead returned the gesture, and they stayed like that for a long moment, Clair allowing herself the luxury of breathing in the smell of her skin and hair.

"Sorry to keep you."

She might have laughed if she weren't so grateful to see her friend back alive. That was so typical of her, calm and collected after facing down death yet again.

"I was so worried," she whispered, barely loud enough for even Nel's sharp ears to pick up, her speech hidden from the others, "I was afraid you weren't coming back this time."

They separated, but not before Nel gave her a rare smile.

(Flashback)

Thinking back, she realized something was strange then, too. She may be Nel's best friend, but she still didn't allow such public displays under normal circumstances. Something more had happened in the training facility, but she had no idea how to find out what. The engineers weren't likely to know, and Nel wasn't likely to tell her. Tynave and Farleen might know, but that too was unlikely.

'What happened to you, Nel? What has you so frightened you came here rather than dealing with your wounds on your own as you normally would?'

With a sigh, Clair settled down, watching her redhead friend sleep. Once, early in the morning, Nel stirred, her face tensing and her body shaking.

"No..."

The word was the whisper of a soldier long accustomed to keeping quiet, even in their sleep. It was obvious, at least to the runologist, that whatever dark dreams haunted Nel, they were taking over a well-trained, confident mind weakened by sleep.

"Nel! Wake up!"

The sleeper didn't seem to hear her, instead curling into a ball away from her.

"Nel!"

"No! No, please!"

"Wake up!"

This was frightening. As a rule, the Crimson Blade was a very light sleeper, always awake and aware at the slightest hint of trouble.

"Please... I'll do anything.... just don't hurt her, please... no..."

Clair closed her eyes, unable to stand the pain so obvious in Nel's tormented voice.

"Nel, wake up, please! Wake up!"

"Clair, NO!"

With a shout, the spy jerked upright, knife in hand.

"No..."

The taller woman sat up, wrapping her hand around Nel's shoulder. She lashed out with the knife, cutting her friend's upper arm before she could stop herself, her eyes wild. The green eyes focused first on the cut, then on Clair's face.

'What... what have I done?'

The gray haired woman smiled gently, shaking her head.

"It's okay, Nel. You just woke up from a nightmare. I remember I've hit you a few times waking up from some of the bad ones."

Nel shook her head, rubbing her face.

'That was the same nightmare I had before... but even worse. It was even clearer this time. By the grace of Apris, what can I do? How can I fight what's in my own mind? Any enemy who can be hurt, I can defeat, but this...'

"I'm sorry, Clair. I didn't mean to hurt you."

"I know that, Nel. Calm down. It's just a little cut, nothing to worry about. I'm more worried about you. What was that nightmare about? It sounded really horrible."

The redhead sighed, turning away from her friend's gentle, concerned face, unable to take that look after hurting her.

"But..."

Clair was the one to sigh this time. Sometimes Nel was just a little too ready to accept too much guilt for small things.

"It's nothing. Please, tell me what the nightmare was about. You sounded very upset."

Nel shuddered just remembering it, welcoming Clair's warmth when her friend embraced her.

"It was terrible, Clair. I was back in the arena where we found Tynave and Farleen. They were tied to these... things above the ground, and they were so obviously in pain. It was a terrible sight."

The taller woman tilted her head, wondering what this was leading up to.

"I'm sure it was. It's never good to see your friends hurt."

"No, it's not, but they weren't why I had those nightmares."

'"Those nightmares"? Did she have one earlier?'

"What happened, Nel?"

She gently stroked the muscular arm, the hand at the end of it still wrapped around the knife. The gesture had always soothed her, made her feel enough at ease to talk about her nightmares, and she hoped it would work the same way for Nel.

"It... it was you up there, not them... and Shelby was there... he was laughing and hurting you..."

The spy shook her head, fighting tears at the memory of her friend's cries.

"You were dying... there was so much blood... He laughed even more when he saw me. He said that I was getting what I deserved for being such a gullible fool, and that if I hadn't come you'd be safe. I begged him to stop... said I would do anything if he would, but he just kept... kept hurting you."

This time, the tears did fall. Her green eyes burned, and she let her head fall against Clair's shoulder, listening to her heart beating. The sound was calming, the steady rhythm comforting her own shot nerves and racing pulse.

"He killed you, Clair... he made me watch you die... I couldn't move... I couldn't help you..."

The commander tightened her arms around her badly shaken friend, holding her as tightly as she could. Several more pieces of her earlier puzzle came together, and she smiled faintly. She had known that Nel cared for her, because she alone was allowed to see her when she was weak, but she hadn't known how much. She was a devoted woman to those who had earned her respect and loyalty, and Clair felt privileged to be one of those people.

"It's okay, Nel. I'm fine, and you're safe. I know you wouldn't let anything happen to me anymore than I would you."

The Crimson Blade relaxed slowly, her slim, muscular form going almost limp in her arms.

"Clair?"

"Yes?"

"Would you mind if I stayed here tonight? I fell asleep after we came back, and waking alone... wasn't a pleasant experience."

Clair smiled, contentedly inhaling her friend's unique scent.

"That's the easiest request I've been asked to grant in a long time, Nel. Sweet dreams. I'll be here when you wake up."

"Thank you."

Nel allowed herself to fall asleep, lulled by the steady, strong beat of Clair's heart and the warmth of the one person she wasn't afraid to let see her fears.


	2. War and Doubt

If you want the full disclaimers, see Chapter One. I don't feel like doing them all again. Suffice it to say this is still intended as shoujo-ai, I'll still laugh at flames, I still want constructive reviews, and I still don't own the rights Star Ocean: TtEoT, though I do own the game and have completed it.

**Two Soldiers: Fire and Ice**

**Chapter 2: War and Doubt**

Clair watched the soldiers preparing for war and sighed. She knew Nel would be here soon, ready to lay her life on the line again, go on another potentially deadly mission. She hated it. She hated the price this war could so easily take. She hated that her friend was so ready to die for her country. She hated all these things with a passion, but more than anything else, she hated that Nel thought she had no reason to stop risking her life. She was so ready to die, convinced as she was that no one would care. She had gotten more reckless lately, and except for that one night of weakness, that one night of pain, Nel had withdrawn further into herself, taking herself farther away from Clair.

'Why can't she see how much people care for her? Why can't she see how much _I_ care for her?'

She closed her brown eyes, turning away from the window. She could hear the soldiers talking to Nel and the others, could hear Dion's voice and Fayt answering him.

'Once again, I have to send the person I care for more than anyone to what very well could be her death. May Apris forgive me.'

She heard the commanders in the conference room with her stir as the door opened and looked up, smiling very faintly despite herself. Nel was beautiful, her eyes bright and proud, so different from the woman she had known that night.

'Maybe I'll get to see her as the person she keeps so well hidden someday. I'll wait as long as it takes for her to realize that I...'

She shook her head, starting the meeting rather than continue that painful line of thinking. Once everyone was briefed and leaving to prepare for the next day, she sighed again, rising to once again look out the window, speaking softly to herself.

"One day, you'll see..."

"What?"

She blinked, turning sharply to face the owner of the familiar voice.

"Nel, what are you still doing here? Shouldn't you be resting for tomorrow?"

The redhead smiled faintly, coming closer from where she had been leaning against the wall near the door.

"I was worried about you. I noticed you seemed very distant during the briefing. I wanted to be sure you were okay."

Clair smiled softly.

'Of course she notices. She's blind when it comes to how much I care for her, but she always knows when something is wrong with me.'

"I'm fine, Nel. I just... I don't like this."

Nel tilted her head, her intense green eyes focusing on her, piercing her soul as effectively as blades.

"No one likes war, Clair. Or rather, most don't. Something else is bothering you."

'That's Nel for you. Straight to the heart of the matter.'

"I don't want to see anyone else die. I..."

The gray haired woman turned away, afraid to face her friend. Her eyes were watering, she knew, and she didn't want Nel to see her like this. As much as she wanted the redhead to understand, she didn't want to be thought of as weak by the strongest person she had ever known.

"Clair?"

Nel came closer, close enough for her sharp senses to smell the gray hair and hear the slightly uneven breathing of her best friend.

"Look at me, Clair."

When she didn't, the redhead stepped around in front of her, close enough to feel the heat from her body and see the almost invisible tremors racking the lean form.

"What's wrong? What's bothering you so much?"

Clair slowly looked up, and Nel was struck by the tears in the pale brown eyes. She had rarely seen Clair cry, always finding the commander cool and calm even in the worst of times, despite a sweet, peaceful nature that seemed so out of place in a battle commander.

"Clair? Why are you crying?"

The taller woman tried to turn, but Nel's eyes wouldn't let her, pinning her in place and refusing to release her.

"You're going to go out on another mission, Nel."

The redhead frowned.

"Yes, I am. You asked us to take out Vox while the others engaged the rest of the enemy's troops."

Clair shook her head almost violently, a single tear falling down her soft face.

"Nel, you're going out on another mission, and every time you leave, I'm less certain you're going to come home. You keep risking your life, putting yourself in the most dangerous situations you can find, without any regard for your own safety."

Nel shook her head, confused.

"You are the one who asked us to do this, Clair."

"I know," the commander cried softly, "and if you die, I'll have no one to blame but myself. How do you think that makes me feel?!"

The redhead closed her eyes in pained understanding. Not unlike herself, Clair was more than capable of accepting guilt when there was no need.

"Clair, I'm going to come home. Even if I don't, it'll be okay. I know you don't want to send us out into the war, but I'm a soldier. I go where I'm most needed. "

She paused, remembering something she had heard Adray say.

"Your father said something about that to Laselle earlier, actually. He said 'a warrior should always be sent where his country needs him most.' For once, I agree with him. I'm going where I can do Aquaria the most good. It's not your fault if something happens to me."

"Isn't it?"

This was a battlefield Nel had little experience with. She wasn't prepared to deal with the onslaught of emotion the pain and fear in Clair's voice caused her, and she couldn't turn away now, not when her friend so obviously needed reassurance.

"No. In the end, it's my choice whether I go or not. I could choose to run, of course. I always have that option, but the price I'd pay for cowardice is far worse than the one I'd pay if I stood and fought, regardless of life or death."

For a moment, Clair almost begged her friend to do just that, just run away from all of this, but only for that instant. She knew Nel never would. She was too proud, to brave to run. She was a warrior, and there was no escaping that, nor did she honestly want to. Those qualities were such an integral part of her friend that if they were they taken away, Nel wouldn't be Nel anymore, and she didn't want that. It'd be just as bad as the redhead dying.

"Nel, just please be careful. I know you need to do this, but I don't want you to become another corpse on the battlefield."

"Clair, I'm always careful."

The light brown eyes darkened slightly.

"Not lately. Ever since that night, you've been more and more reckless. Even before that, you weren't the most careful person, but afterwards, you started taking even more risks. Cliff and Fayt have talked about things that give me nightmares just to imagine."

Nel growled softly, inwardly pledging to beat the two men senseless for frightening Clair, though a part of her knew she had to take some responsibility for it too.

"My job is a dangerous one. You know that as well as I do."

"But you don't have to go making it even more dangerous on purpose, Nel!"

It took a moment for the spy to realize that Clair was angry, so foreign was the expression on her pale face. Not only was she angry, she was angry with _her_.

'I've seen her upset and worried, but I can't remember the last time, if ever, she snapped at me like that.'

Clair realized that she had almost yelled at her friend and sighed, turning away again, this time without interruption.

"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to snap at you like that, but I... I'm worried for you, Nel."

"I know."

The redhead stepped up behind her, bringing a hand up to rest on her shoulder.

"I don't want you to worry, and I don't want you to be scared. I want you to live in a peaceful world, far from anything as terrible as war."

Nel closed her eyes again, stepping back. She had said more than she had intended to, leaving herself vulnerable without thought.

'But then, when has Clair ever taken advantage of me when I was feeling weak or vulnerable? Isn't that why I trust her, among other things, above all others?'

The runologist turned around, not surprised to find Nel with her eyes closed, her face flushed slightly in embarrassment. That was typical of her when she said something that could be taken as weak or emotional. Clair just smiled sadly.

"I want that for you too. I don't want you to have to risk your life any more."

'I don't want you to feel like you have no reason to come home anymore...'

With a jolt, the gray haired woman realized just what it was that was affecting her friend so much.

'She doesn't realize how much I need her here, how much I've always needed her...'

Clair felt her knees go inexplicably weak, and she struggled to stand, wondering what had brought on the wave of weakness, then realized just what it is she had come to understand about her best friend.

'What would it be like to feel that no one cared whether you lived or died? Is one person telling her they worry enough to make her understand? And if not, why wouldn't she be willing to die?'

Nel saw Clair jerk as if struck, then almost fall to the hard stone floor in the surprised instant before she caught her in strong arms gone unconsciously gentle around the slim woman.

"Clair? What's wrong?"

The gray haired woman shook her head, surprising the other woman by leaning against her and crying into the cloth of her shirt. She could feel Nel's light armor, which she hadn't had a chance to get out of yet, and through that, her heartbeat.

"Clair?"

Nel was at a loss. First she gets snapped at, then cried on by the person she had always found to be a rock in a world of chaos. Clair was gentle-hearted, but there was steel in her veins to back it up. Still, she rarely became this upset. The redhead thought back to the last time she had seen her friend cry, years ago after some nightmare or another. She had always had them, but usually just ignored whatever it was if she could. When she couldn't, she'd go to Nel's room and wake her up, tears running down her face and her light brown eyes reddened and pained.

'It's just like all those years ago. She looks like she just came from one of the really bad ones, too. Not unlike myself that night.'

She couldn't help but smile faintly at the memory, and she momentarily lost herself in the remembrance.

(Flashback)

It was the same dream she had had before, but this time Clair woke her up almost as soon as it started, holding her while she fought back the fear and pain. The taller woman continued gently caressing her back, which she had started before she had even fallen asleep, the movement calming her frayed nerves once again. She let herself drift off again after awhile, this time not waking until just before dawn, as she usually would. Clair was sleeping lightly, indicated by her slightly tensed body and vaguely irregular breathing.

'She wants to be awake if I need her help...'

The thought made the redhead smile. She and the runologist were different in many ways, but in this, they were the same. They both did everything they could for the people that had earned their respect and trust, and with that, their loyalty. Nel stretched slightly to test her body's responses, pleased to find everything functioning at almost full strength.

'She did a neat job, as always.'

Clair stirred in her arms, and Nel smiled gently in greeting as she opened her tired brown eyes.

"Nel? Everything okay?"

The spy was filled with an amazing sense of delight that the first thing the Shield Legion commander thought of was her well being.

"Yes, everything's fine."

She realized then that she still wasn't wearing her shirt or armor, having taken the armor off before coming to Clair's room. She had fallen asleep wearing it, but after waking from the first nightmare, she had remembered the bloodstained stuff and started to change.

'Of course, there's no reason to be embarrassed or anything.'

But she was. Nel was extremely aware of the other woman's warm clothes and skin against her own flesh, more than even her sharp senses could account for. She felt like she was burning from the inside out, but it didn't hurt. It was just more confusing than anything she had ever experienced.

(Flashback)

She blushed faintly at that memory, then put it aside, putting herself back in the present where she was needed. Nel lifted her taller, lighter friend with ease, cradling her against her chest as she might a child, going down the thankfully empty halls and up the stairs to Clair's room in the manor, sitting down on the bed and leaning against the wall, all the while whispering soft reassurances in Clair's ear.

'She's so scared... I don't know what to do or say to make it better...'

"Clair, please tell me what's wrong. If I can do anything to help, I want to know."

"Nel..."

The taller woman sighed softly, fighting her disobedient body to keep from curling up in the spy's warm arms and spilling out everything she felt for her slim friend. She couldn't afford to take that risk. When she tried to pull away, Nel just held on tighter, not letting her retreat.

"Please, Clair. I don't know what to do. Please, just tell me what's wrong."

She had never heard the redhead plead like that, except for in her nightmare that night. It touched a chord inside her heart she couldn't escape, and wasn't sure she'd want to if she could. Nel was so open to her right then, all her defenses lowered and her confusion so painfully obvious in her intense eyes. Clair couldn't look away from that look, drinking it in and praying she never forgot, as sad as it was. It was a part of Nel she had never seen, and she treasured every side of her friend.

"You..."

Her voice cracked under the strain of so much emotion, and she shook her head, burying her face in the crook of the spy's neck. She wasn't used to feeling so much at once, even around Nel. Much of her calm was a mask, but she had never felt so completely overwhelmed. Clair mastered herself with an effort, dragging her head from its warm, pleasantly scented hiding place.

"You... you'll always have a home to come back to, Nel."

The redhead blinked, startled. Their conversation had just altered drastically, once again going deep into unfamiliar territory. She could tell there was more to what Clair had said than it seemed.

"I know that, Clair."

"Do you?"

The question caught her off guard. She hadn't realized Clair could see through her so easily. Her light brown eyes were searching for something in her face, though she had no idea what. It was strange to see the warm understanding in those eyes directed at her. She had seen it countless times in the face of traumatized soldiers and helpless innocents, but rarely had it been turned on her. She was usually the one comforting Clair.

'Of course, it has been the reverse much more often lately. A smile or a touch whenever I come through here... she's been there for me even when I didn't realize I needed her to be.'

Nel came out of her thoughts when her old friend touched her face with her fingertips.

"You've been so reckless lately, even for you. I think you've forgotten something important."

"W-what might that be?" Nel stammered out, unable to focus properly.

"I will always be here for you, Nel. I worry about you when you're gone, and I'm so happy to see you come back safe. At the same time, you keep throwing yourself at danger. It's like you don't care if you live or die."

The gray-haired woman paused, making sure she had the soldier's rapt attention.

"I don't think you take the time to remember that there's someone here who'll suffer if anything happens to you. You don't see how much you're... you're needed."

The pause bothered Clair. There was something she had wanted to say, something on the tip of her tongue, but it had slipped away. Nel, in the meantime, was staring at her. She couldn't understand how this woman had seen into the darkest parts of her heart and soul. She put herself on the line every day, so sure she had nothing to lose.

'I'm such an idiot sometimes. All those times she says she cares, and as much as I care about her, and I don't listen.'

"I'm sorry, Clair. I should know better."

"You should," the Shield Legion commander said with a sad, affectionate little smile, "but I know you. It takes a long time for anything to get through that stubborn head of yours. One day you'll figure it out. For now I'll take your promise to try to be more careful."

She knew a compromise when she heard one, and that's what was so obviously being given to her. She also knew there was more to what was being said than that. Clair meant something more, but she didn't know what. A promise she could give, Nel knew, but she'd be spending the rest of the day and night, if not longer, trying to figure out what else was going on behind the beautiful eyes.

'Did I just think that? I know Clair is beautiful, but...'

She shook her head slightly, tightening her grip on her friend.

"You have that promise, my friend, and I'll give you another. When this battle is over with, we'll talk more about this."

"That means you have to come back."

'Never misses anything, does she?'

Nel laughed softly, freeing one of her hands to touch the soft, milky cheek not pressed against her shoulder.

"Yes, that's what it means."

Clair smiled softly, warming her from the inside. For just a minute, the agony and sadness was back in her eyes, hinting at a vulnerability that was still raw.

"I'm going to hold you to that, Nel."

"I know," the spy whispered, unable to look away from the liquid brown that had so easily captured her, "I'm counting on it."

The dinner bell rang downstairs, and the two women slowly separated, heading for the door. Just before the redhead opened it, she turned, smiling faintly. She had heard Clair come up behind her, and was only slightly surprised when she was wrapped in a strong embrace. She returned it with one of her own, wiping away a stray tear as she backed away. Her hand lingered of its own accord, brushing back one of the gray tails and stroking the soft skin with the tips of her fingers. Her hand slid down Clair's arm, clasping her hand gently.

"I'll come back tomorrow. Let's eat and get some rest for today, okay?"

Clair managed a small smile. She was still afraid, but she had Nel's promise. If she couldn't trust this woman's word, she couldn't trust anything.

"Let's go."

They left the room together, their hands still joined.


	3. Promises In the Aftermath of War

Disclaimers are in other chapters. Go read them if you're bored. Just briefly, I don't own the TtEoT characters portrayed here, I'm just borrowing them for the sake of the story, and while they will get hurt, it's all good because I love them dearly, especially Nel and Clair, and I'll make sure they take good care of each other. (grin)

**Two Soldiers: Fire and Ice**

**Chapter 3: The Aftermath of War: Interlude**

Nel shook her head, her vision unclear. At first she thought it was from all the dirt, blood, and other debris floating in the air, but realized that the ringing in her ears, the pounding agony in her skull, and her distorted sight were connected.

'What did I get hit with? What happened?'

She tried to rise, but her body failed her, even as pieces of her memory surfaced.

'The battle... Vox... that ship...'

Everything came flooding back at once, and she looked around desperately.

'Where is everyone?'

She managed to force herself to her feet, ignoring the agony coursing through her with every twitch. Her eyes traced the battlefield, finding the dead and dying everywhere. She heard a scream and looked over in time to see Dion struck by the light from the celestial ship, and Fayt and Cliff nearby. She started to drag herself over to them, but another explosion knocked her to the ground again, and she felt something crack. Nel got to her feet again, fighting to hold back the staggering, dizzying pain in her chest.

"Fayt... Cliff..."

They obviously didn't hear her, because Fayt was yelling something at Cliff. Another explosion rocked the ground nearby, and she looked over, then froze. As if time had slowed, she saw one of the bolts of light strike very near an unmistakable figure, sending it flying.

"NO!"

The yell tore from her throat, and she stumbled as quickly as she could to the figure's side.

"Please Apris, let this be a dream... let me wake up..."

But she didn't. The sight before her remained unchanged, her body remained torn, and her heart, her soul, remained on the brink of destruction. She fell to her knees and crawled the rest of the way, unable to stand, and almost unable to see, the pounding blackness threatening to bring her into a sea of agony and oblivion.

"Clair..."

The Shield Legion commander lay still, her already pale face deathly white under layers of blood and dirt, her hair matted and caked with even more blood.

"No..."

She crawled on her belly as another blast took her off her feet again, knocking her several yards from her friend. Her ribs screamed, but she couldn't feel anything from her body. All she could feel was a depth of agony no physical pain could ever match. A brilliant blue-tinted light erupted just as she reached her, and she covered the frail-looking body with her own and looked over, wondering what new death awaited them. Her green eyes widened when she saw Fayt destroy the celestial ship, the Vendeeni, he had called them, with a power she had never seen before.

'What was that?'

She saw him collapse, but Cliff, who was rising to his feet, looking battered but not terribly so, was already moving to help him. Even if he hadn't been there, she had her own concerns. The redhead looked down at the woman she had moved to protect without thought. She reached up with a tentative hand, cupping a dirty cheek. Clair groaned softly at her touch, her light brown eyes fluttering opening slowly. Her face was a mask of pain, her gaze wandering. The runologist's vision was a fog of light and dark, but a warmth above her cold form made her turn her head, tracing a flesh-colored blur, then a blue, black and brown one, up more flesh, finally finding what looked like a face, then a flash of green and red. She blinked a few times, and details swam into focus.

"Nel...?"

The spy felt tears in her eyes, not able to keep them from making tracks in the blood and dirt on her face, seeing them fall onto Clair's skin.

"Clair... you're alive..."

The gray haired woman blinked again. Everything in her was numb and cold, her mind only functioning just enough to recognize the person above her, and remember who she was.

'Nel... Friend... protector... life...'

That was all that went through her mind for several minutes, then the fog lifted slightly.

"The... the battle?"

The three words drained her already taxed reserves of energy, and pain ripped through her throat and chest.

"Don't try to talk or move, Clair. You're hurt pretty badly. You need to save your strength."

"Can't... feel much. So... cold..."

The Crimson Blade gingerly wrapped her arms around the commander, holding her as tightly as she dared, and as much as her body would allow.

"You have to hold on, Clair. You can't die on me."

The brown eyes swam in and out of focus, but managed to track back to her green again.

"What... what about... you?"

Nel just shook her head, making the pounding worse. She closed her mind against it, focusing on her friend.

"I'm well enough. We have to get you out of here. You need a doctor."

Clair managed to smile softly.

"That bad... then?"

The spy forced a return smile, then pulled herself up, looking for any doctors nearby. The ones who had survived were either badly injured themselves or very busy, and she sighed.

'She's in bad shape... I can't let anything happen to her...'

She kneeled again, calling up all her weak reserves and power, pressing a hand against Clair's cheek again. A glow emanated from it, and she whispered one word, her only hope now.

"Healing!"

"Nel! Don't!"

Clair felt dizzy, the exclamation causing her skull to pound. She was engulfed in warm light, but a band of ice-cold steel had wrapped around her heart. She could see Nel's eyes fall closed, her body shaking just to hold her slight weight. With a soft sound, the redhead fell to the side, collapsed on herself. An involuntary jerk signaled the pain the movement caused, and the commander pushed herself over Nel, reversing their previous positions. The spy was still semiconscious, but just barely. Now that she could see a little more clearly, the damage done to the beautiful spy was more obvious.

"Oh, Nel..."

The other woman had put all her energy into that one spell, leaving her too drained to hold back the pain of her own injuries. Clair sighed, running her fingers through the short, thick red hair, ignoring blood and dirt. She found a gash just above and slightly behind her left ear, and she used her own power to heal it. Of the two of them, she was the stronger healer, but her head was too foggy to do much more than treat a few scrapes. The worst of her own injuries had been at least partially mended, though it was still agony to move if she wasn't careful.

"You can be such a fool, Nel. You shouldn't have done that..."

She checked for a pulse, glad to find one but pained upon finding how weak and thready it was.

"That won't do. You promised you'd stay alive. You have to."

She stood slowly, swaying. Blood instantly rushed to her head, and she waited a brief moment to steady herself, then took a step forward. Her leg collapsed under her, and she realized it had to be broken.

"Clair?"

The pain almost blocked out the weak voice, but not quite. She rolled over, facing Nel.

"Where are you going?"

"You need a doctor. I don't care what they're all doing. I'm the commander here."

The redhead smiled sadly.

"Clair, don't worry about me. Take care of yourself. I..."

"Don't."

The single word cut off Nel's defeated voice, drawing a raised eyebrow.

"What?"

"Don't you dare think of giving up, Nel. I refuse to stand by and let you die."

"Clair... I think this might be it for me. I..."

The Crimson Blade shook her head.

"I don't think I have strength enough to fight this."

Clair blinked, confused by the odd inflection in the comment.

'What does she mean?'

"Of course you do, Nel. You promised."

She got another sad smile from the spy.

"I promised I would come back to you alive. I did."

For one of the few times in her life, rage burned inside the gentle runologist, rage at Nel for giving up without a fight, rage at the celestial ship, but most of all, rage at herself for not being able to do more, for leading her friend into this.

"You will not get out of this so easily, Nel Zelpher!"

Her voice was strong, the anger burning in her guts lending her strength she wouldn't otherwise have.

"I am not letting you go. I won't."

The commander felt herself crying, and her breath came in wrenching sobs. She bowed her head, touching Nel's chest, finding it all but shattered under her hand, drawing a gasp.

"I can't give you up, Nel. I can't lose you..."

"Clair..."

Nel mentally sighed. Her mind was reasonably clear, but her body was shutting itself down, and she had no way of stopping it. Her friend's body was partially healed, but her mind was likely still clouded. She could do no more for her now, though, except provide some little comfort. With a massive effort, she wrapped her arms around the gray-haired woman, drawing her close with a weak pull.

"Keep thinking good thoughts, Clair. I don't know if I can fight death this time, but maybe..."

She coughed, tasting blood, and she knew she didn't have a lot of time to do this. The darkness was coming faster now, the pain fading under a wave of cold numbness. Ignoring her body by focusing on the tears spilling down the dirty cheeks above her.

"Maybe... if you hold on, I can too. Don't let me go, Clair. I don't think I can leave you if you ask me not too."

Speaking was hard, but saying that was even harder. She hated admitting she needed anything, but this was Clair, and maybe she really could live on just her hope.

"I don't know if I'm strong enough for this, Nel," Clair whispered, echoing her friend's fear, her clouded mind faintly recognizing the significance of the trickle of blood at the corner of Nel's lips as she smiled softly.

"You're the strongest person I've ever met, Clair. Maybe even strong enough for both of us."

The spy managed another slight smile, but it took almost all of her energy to do.

"I have to rest now... no matter what happens now... you will live, my friend. And that... is all that matters to me."

Clair blinked, shaking her head slightly.

"If you sleep, you may never wake up!"

"I will if I have something to wake up to. Stay with me, Clair. Don't give up hope, even if I do. You've always kept me strong."

"You're stronger than I am..."

With a massive effort, Nel touched a wet cheek.

"Only because you make me that way. I'm stronger when I'm with you. You give me a reason to keep living, keep fighting, when all hope seems lost. If you die, I won't have a reason to come back. If I die, you..."

"I don't want to live without you, Nel. You're my best friend. You mean..."

'...Everything to me...'

Clair hesitated. What she was about to say was something she had run from and hidden for a long time, but even in her dazed state, she knew it could well be her last chance, and even if it wasn't, it could give Nel something to hold on to, be it because she reciprocated, or for any other reason. She could see her friend's consciousness fading, and she knew she had to do this quickly, or not at all.

"Nel, listen to me! Don't sleep yet!"

The green eyes focused wearily on her, but she could tell her friend would hold on, at least for now.

"I have to tell you something, Nel. I've never told anyone this. I don't think I ever even admitted it to myself."

She paused, taking a breath. Clair knew she was stalling, this admission making her uncharacteristically shy and nervous.

"You're the best part of my life, Nel. The thought of seeing you is sometimes the only reason I can get out of bed in the morning and face our people's suffering once more. I may be the reason for you to keep living, but you are mine. You make all the pain worth suffering again and again. What I'm trying to say is... I think... I think I've fallen in love with you. So you can't die. If you do, it'll break my heart. Please, hold on for my sake, if not your own."

Nel gave her a weak tug, speaking softly into her ear.

"Clair... that's good news indeed. We'll talk later... I promise. Just... stay with me."

"Always, Nel."

The redhead sighed softly, turning her head slightly. Her lips pressed lightly against the corner of Clair's, and the commander closed her eyes.

'If that makes me feel warm inside, what would an actual kiss feel like?'

Nel abruptly went limp beneath her, her head lolling to the side.

"Nel..."

More tears fell, and she let them, cradling her friend close to her.

"I won't let you go," she whispered, finding a rock to sit against nearby, pulling her badly injured companion against her again.

"I won't let you die. I need you too much..."

Her exhausted mind started shutting down again, and the world narrowed to include just the two of them. Right then it was all that mattered. She could still hear the cries of the wounded and dying, the calls of the medics and other people, the roar of Airygylph's air dragons as they flew home or riderless above them, but none of it fully registered. The only thing she was totally aware of was Nel's warm breath on her chest, the red hair brushing against her arm, the dirt and blood on her skin, the feel of cloth and hard armor underneath, and the sheathed blade pressed against her side.

'She promised she'd wake up so we could talk... she almost kissed me... said me loving her was good news... what does all that mean?'

She couldn't get her thoughts to focus on any one thing, and they kept jumping around without end, leaving her no peace. Everything was too scrambled to make sense, and it wasn't helping the pounding in her head any.

"Just be quiet for a moment," she muttered to herself.

She finally got her thoughts in some kind of order, and found herself thinking of being in Nel's strong arms the night before.

(Flashback)

She had found it next to impossible to sleep, plagued be nightmares and fear. Even with Nel's promise, the thought of the woman coming back injured or dead haunted her. She finally gave in and got up, walking quietly into Nel's room. The Crimson Blade had been sitting up in bed, staring into the fire with her shorter blade in hand, looking thoughtful, almost lost. She turned when her friend came in, the lost look fading as she smiled gently.

"Hello, Clair."

She was struck all over again by the green eyes, so different from the locks of red hair almost hanging down in them.

"Is something wrong?"

The question shook herself out of her contemplation of Nel's features, and she tried to smile.

"It's silly."

Nel shook her head.

"I've never known you to be silly, Clair. What's wrong? Can't sleep?"

"No, I can't. I just can't... stop thinking about tomorrow. About all the things that could happen in the battle, about everything that could be lost."

The redhead smiled again, tilting her head.

"Clair, come over here."

The commander did as she was told despite her mild confusion, and sat down when she was gestured to do so. Nel's warm body was so close to her on the bed, the skin of her thighs between the leggings and the short skirt drawing her gaze. Clair focused on her friend's gentle features with an effort, then got lost in the welcoming green.

"You can stay with me, if you want. I don't mind."

The gray-haired woman tried to object, but Nel wouldn't let her, instead pushing her down into the warm bed and resting her head on her heart. The armor and scarf were gone, leaving only the thin cloth of her tunic and the skin of her chest and neck. She could feel the steady pounding of Nel's heart under her ear, and it lulled her too sleep much like hers had done the night the Crimson Blade came to her after a nightmare.

"I wouldn't want to impose on you," Clair whispered half-heartedly.

"You're not. Now go to sleep."

She felt herself drifting off and unconsciously shifted closer to the warm body, wrapping an arm around her chest. The last thing she was aware of was a warm breath on her ear, Nel's voice whispering, "sweet dreams, my dear friend," in her ear, and the ever-present beating of the spy's heart.

(Flashback)

She shook herself from the memory, still smiling faintly. The smile quickly faded as reality came back, but just as she looked around, she found another reason to smile. Cliff Fittr was striding over, and she knew he was there to help.

"Lady Clair? How's Nel?"

"She's hurt pretty badly, Cliff. We need to get her to Aquios. Her best chance lies in the doctors there. I just haven't been able to do much for her."

The big blonde nodded, kneeling down.

"There's a wagon over there. I already loaded Fayt up. I'm sure they can take you two as well."

She didn't say anything, just nodded. She grabbed a nearby stick and leaned on it to get off her broken leg while Cliff picked Nel up gently, careful not to jostle her any more than absolutely necessary. He helped them both into the wagon with Fayt, and for the first time in what felt like years, but had only been an hour or two, Clair felt like things might just turn out okay.


	4. Fear and Courage

Disclaimers are in the other three chapters, go read them if you want. Here I'm just going to thank everyone who's reviewed this so far. I probably wouldn't have kept at it so much without your encouragement. Thank you all very much. I had a really hard time writing this chapter, but bear with me. I'll try to bring everything together soon. I have my reasons for doing what I do.

Oh, before I forget, you've probably noticed that each chapter has a little flashback in it. I intend to continue to do that, but I might not. We'll see. The point is that I might write a couple mini stories around those flashbacks if I'm asked to. I might do it anyway, but even if I do, I won't post them unless one or two of you want them. And if you want something expanded in the main story, let me know. I'll probably do it, just be specific.

And as one of my reviewers pointed out (Much thanks to all of you, btw), I do in fact know that mortally wounding a lesbian can be considered cliché. Unfortunately, I have this habit of putting my characters through hell before they can be happy. It's not because I don't care about them, but because it's the best way I know to emphasize how strong these women are. If I ever publish one of the novels I'm working on, you'll see what I mean.

**Two Soldiers: Fire and Ice**

**Chapter 4: Fear and Courage In the Face of Love and Death**

Clair absently pushed her badly matted hair back and leaned back against the side of the wagon. They were almost back to Aquios, but she was terrified they'd be too late to save Nel's life. The doctor that had accompanied them and the other wounded in the wagon had exhausted herself caring for the dying on the field, and two of the other survivors would be corpses without her help, but all that meant little to her. What mattered to the Shield Legion commander right then was that the young woman couldn't do much for the redhead lying there. Of course, she couldn't either. She tried, but she couldn't summon the energy to form the spell. She had no idea how Nel had pulled herself together enough to do what she had.

'You fool,' she found herself thinking for what felt like the thousandth time, 'why did you have to go and do something so stupid? Now you're lying there, and there's nothing I can do to help you! I sent you into battle, Nel! I should have ordered you back to Aquios, or to stay in Arias. Something. Anything...'

Logically, she knew she had done the right thing for Aquaria, but that didn't soothe her in the least. It hurt more than any physical pain could to see Nel lying there, pale and still as death. Her friend had always been restless, and she wanted so badly to just go back to the night before. The one thing she was grateful for was that she had finally said something she should have long ago, but had been too scared to even face it in her thoughts. She hadn't thought she could take Nel's rejection, and she still didn't think she could, but... she had needed to say it.

'Clair Lasbard the coward,' she mocked herself, shaking her head, 'It took the woman I love more than anything in this world nearly dying to make me face my own feelings.'

She sighed, ignoring Cliff's curious look. She could hear the lums pulling the wagon start to slow, and looked out, grateful beyond words that they were entering the main gates of the capital city. She leaned over her friend, lightly touching her cool, dirty cheek.

"Hold on, Nel. We're almost home. Don't forget your promise."

The wagon stopped completely at the stairs to the castle entrance, and Cliff helpfully lifted the slim spy while two other soldiers each attended Fayt and the others. Clair went on ahead and got the high priest, the best healer in the land next to the queen herself, to meet them in Nel's room, and he was there just moments after she and Cliff had gotten her settled.

"What happened to her?" he asked, even as he set to examining Nel.

"She had a couple of close calls with those red lightning bolts from the celestial ship."

He looked up at her, noticing her obvious exhaustion and wounded state. She was leaning heavily on a cabinet, holding one leg up, which, on closer inspection, was clearly broken.

"Lady Clair, perhaps you should go rest in your room. You look..." he paused, trying to find a tactful way to say what he was thinking, then just shook his head. "You look terrible."

"I'm not going anywhere," she growled, her gentle voice becoming almost harsh, for her, "Nel is here, and from the looks of things, and what she said on the battlefield, she could use all the help she can get."

"She was conscious on the battlefield?"

She nodded.

"Yes, up until she decided to be foolish enough to try and heal me. I was almost hit by one of the blasts, and was badly wounded. Nel put all her strength into a healing spell, and passed out not long after."

The priest looked between the two women again, then sighed softly.

"She seems to have cared enough about you to risk her own life to preserve yours, Lady Clair. That is a rare trait."

The runologist gestured to the limp form on the bed.

"Could you please help her?"

"Yes, happily," he replied, "as soon as you sit down. Master Fittr, I believe? Could you please get Lady Clair something to eat and drink?"

Cliff nodded, and Clair settled into the chair that the blonde had helpfully set near the bed, close enough for her to stroke the crimson hair without being in the priest's way. He worked slowly and carefully, doing everything he could. He had worked for at least two hours, during which Cliff had dropped off a large tray of food and plenty of water, when the door was opened again. Clair had been dozing lightly, barely able to keep her eyes open, but she jolted upright when the queen herself came in.

"Your majesty!"

She started to rise, but had forgotten her leg. She had long since gone numb to the pain throughout her body, but the second she put weight on it, it collapsed under her, and she cried out softly. Tears came to her brown eyes, but she held them back.

"Lady Clair, you need not bow. Help her back into her chair, if you would be so kind."

The priest did, shaking his head at her.

"Your majesty," Clair started once she caught her breath, pushing the pain to the back of her mind. She refused to be weak. "With all due respect, ma'am, what are you doing here?"

The queen gave her a long look.

"I heard that one of my finest warriors was down here dying. There was naught to do but come give my aid. I have much training in the healing arts, as you well know."

Clair bowed her head.

"I know, you're majesty. I... I would greatly appreciate any aid you could give Nel. I have yet to be able to summon the energy to lend my own strength."

She got another long look and had to resist the urge to shift under the penetrating gaze.

"You were badly wounded as well?"

The commander nodded reluctantly.

"I was. It's likely I would have died had Nel..."

Clair closed her eyes, the memory of those moments raw in her mind.

"Lady Nel used her last strength to save Lady Clair's life. That is why her healing is progressing so slowly. We often use the body's reserves to speed things along, but in her case, there are no reserves. It's very touch and go, because if anything slips, she could well die."

"In that case, I would imagine my aid would be appreciated."

"Indeed, your majesty."

The runologist watched as her queen leaned over her friend, and for the next several hours, labored as hard as any of the field doctor's had. A servant helpfully brought in more food, and the two had a brief break before going back over Nel. When they finally stepped back, they were both exhausted, but when she tried to offer her chair to the queen, she was waved down.

"It has been long since I have used my skills as a healer. I am somewhat out of practice. I will rest, then attend to some of the other wounded. Lady Clair, I apologize that I cannot yet heal your leg, but I am afraid I must conserve my energy for the dying."

Clair shook her head.

"I'll deal with it myself after I rest."

The priest waited for the queen to leave, then kneeled, calling up a weak healing spell.

"It's not fixed, but it will hold for a time. Sleep, Commander. You are no good to either of you if you don't. I have a feeling you will need your wits about you when your friend wakes."

He left, quietly shutting the door behind him. Clair slowly pushed her stiff, aching body out of the chair and, limping heavily, took the two needed steps to be at the other woman's bedside and slowing laying down, careful not to jar Nel.

"I hope you don't mind, Nel, but I can almost guarantee I'll be having nightmares if I sleep, which it seems I must. I don't think I'd be okay if I woke up and you weren't there."

She wasn't sure if she was being heard, but in truth she didn't care. She needed this desperately, and Nel had never turned her away in the past.

'Of course, she might not be so accommodating after this.'

With a sigh, she settled just close enough to be able to feel the warmth of her friend's body without touching her.

'I hope she'll at least remain my friend. She seemed okay when I told her, but she was also pretty out of it.'

She sighed again. This was getting her nowhere fast. Clair breathed in and out in a steady rhythm, trying to sleep. Exhausted as she was, it didn't take long, but she also had to face the expected nightmares. She'd wake up every so often, almost screaming but somehow holding it in. She wanted Nel to wake up, but not because of her. Of course, there was also a part of her that wanted to be as far from her friend as possible when she woke up.

'Why is this so difficult?'

The runologist finally slipped into an uneasy slumber that lasted more than an hour or so, and woke to find green eyes very nearby. She blinked, dazed, then jumped in surprise when her brain finally registered where she was and whom those eyes belonged to.

"Nel!"

She jumped to her feet, then cried out softly. Her leg, while no longer broken, thanks to the priest's spell, wasn't strong enough to hold her weight, and hurt terribly if she tried to. The spy blinked up at her, her round, dirty face looking dazed and pale.

"Clair?"

The Crimson Blade's voice was rough and weak, like her throat was completely dried out, which the commander of the Shield Legion realized could well be the case. She looked around, finding that a new tray had been dropped off at some point, complete with a pitcher of fresh, clear water.

"Here, Nel. Drink some of this. It should help."

Clair slipped into her command mask, trying to keep her voice steady and her body from shaking, obvious clues of her emotional state to Nel, even in the state she was in.

"Clair," her friend managed to get out around the lump in her throat, "stop it."

"Stop what?"

"Stop hiding. I can see you're upset."

Clair's jaw tightened slightly.

'She's too good at reading me...'

"I'm not upset, Nel," she replied, still not looking the other woman in the eye as she helped her get some water down her throat.

It was sort of true. She wasn't upset, exactly.

'No, not upset. Scared out of my wits would perhaps be the most accurate description.'

She shook her head, trying not to think about why she was so on edge.

"I... I'm going to lie down in my room. It's been a long while since I last slept in my bed here."

Nel's green eyes pinned her where she was, and she could do nothing under that suddenly very clear gaze. Clair tried to look away, but that didn't work either. When the Crimson Blade looked at someone like that, no matter who it was, she had never seen anyone be able to break the bonds her eyes created. This held true for her, if not more so. She had been fascinated with those green depths as long as she could remember.

"Sit down, Clair."

She did, if slowly. She could feel herself shaking, and wondered what would happen next. She had a feeling it wasn't going to be very good.

"What's wrong, Nel?"

"What's wrong? Well, my best friend is trying to get as far away from me as she can. I'd like to know why."

"I'm not..."

The commander couldn't say it. Nel had pushed herself upright by now, her sharp eyes on level with her own.

'I am trying to get away from her... I can't lie and say I'm not, because she'd see right through that. I can't tell her why, because...'

She knew the answer to that, but it sounded hollow in her mind.

'...Because I'm terrified she's going to tell me she hates me...'

"Nel... I just..."

When she hesitated, the redhead rose unsteadily to her feet, moving so she could kneel in front of the gray-haired woman. Her calloused hand touched the injured leg, and Clair drew in a sharp breath, both because of the jolt of pain that caused, and little shocks spreading from Nel's fingertips.

"No one healed this for you?" The Secret Legion leader asked, frowning darkly.

"Everyone, including the queen, is busy with the dying. The high priest cast a minor spell to heal the worst of it, but nothing else."

"The queen?"

Clair nodded.

"She and the high priest saved your life. I couldn't do anything. Something was keeping me from forming the spells."

The spy nodded absently, tracing the extent of the damage to her leg. After a couple of long moments, during which the runologist barely dared to breathe, a soft mutter rose from her friend, and a soft light surrounded her hand. The pain in her leg eased, vanishing to all but a dull throb she could barely feel.

"There. That's better. How do you feel?"

"It feels a lot better. Thank you Nel, though once again, you shouldn't have done that. You have to stop wasting your energy on me."

Nel looked up at her, frowning again.

"Your well-being is never a waste, Clair. You are worth my life any day."

The green-eyed woman shook her head. She knew she shouldn't have said that, even if it was the truth. She'd happily die for Clair, but hearing her say that would only make her friend worry about her more than she already did. When the brown eyes became wet and blurred Nel closed her own eyes, thinking about earlier that day, unable to face the tears.

(Flashback)

She, Fayt, and Cliff had managed easily enough. They ignored the soldiers engaged in combat, and killed those that got in their way. The weapons they carried were from Airyglyph, the best money could buy. While she disliked contributing to her enemy's economy, she was a warrior, and a warrior knows the quality of her weapons and armor can save or end her life, so she'd better have the best.

"Fayt, we're almost there. The Dragon Brigade is guarding this area, so Vox must be nearby."

She wasn't sure if the young man heard her or not, and it didn't matter. Only moments later, they reached Vox himself, who foolishly ordered his soldiers back so he could fight them himself. They defeated him, but not without some trouble. His dragon's fiery breath had been difficult to dodge, and his lance almost as quick to wound. When the battle ended, they were tired, but not unbearably so. None of them were particularly injured either, but all that changed when the first burst of light struck, hitting Vox full on.

"What! AGG!"

She had hated the man, but even she couldn't help but feel some small empathy for the obvious agony in that scream, though it lasted only a second. Next came the shockwave, knocking them off their feet. She banged her head on a rock, but ignored it.

'What was that?!'

After a brief, if confusing, conversation with the two men, she turned back in the direction of the command center, then gasped. The... whatever it was... was decimating both sides, and as the runological weapons were aimed at this new threat, she had to swallow a scream. She had seen Airyglyph's Dragon Brigade turned to dust by the celestial ship's weapons, and if her people attacked...

'Clair could be in danger!'

That thought drove her to sprint as fast as she could back to the command center, the engineers only a few steps behind. They skidded to a stop when they were met by Dion, even as she frantically searched for Clair. Another short, confusing conversation was interrupted when Dion fell, struck by debris from a blast that landed right in front of him.

'What if that happened to _her_?!'

She redoubled her efforts, but before she could find the always-familiar profile anywhere nearby, a blast knocked her from her feet, slamming her heavily into the ground. The world faded to black around her, and her last thoughts were of the Shield Legion Commander, and a prayer.

'Clair... please be safe... may the grace of Apris protect you...'

(Flashback)

She felt tears on her own face now and irritably wiped them away. She knew what she had to do, but she hated to do it. The fog over her thoughts had gone, leaving what had been said before she had passed out clear as crystal at the fore.

"Clair... we should probably talk about what happened."

The sudden shift was warning enough for the Shield Legion commander. She was sure she wasn't going to like what was about to be said.

"I... okay. If you want to."

Nel hated to see change in her friend's manner, the slightly slumped shoulders, the faintly shaking body, the tears that didn't quite fall, and the despondent voice, but she knew this had to be done. It was the right thing to do, for both of them.

'Isn't it? If it is, why do I feel so... empty?'

She shook off her thoughts, focusing on getting the words out.

"Clair... you said you loved me, that you thought you might be _in_ love with me."

The runologist nodded slowly, aware enough of herself to know that if she tried to speak, her voice would crack and so would she. She would beg the redhead to accept her feelings if not return them.

"You have a right to know, Clair... I... you are the best part of my life, the one constant, and the only person I trust completely. I hope we can remain friends, but... I can't love you. I don't even think I'm capable of loving anything anymore. That's one thing I respect most about you, that you're strong enough to hold on to your soul despite all the death and pain around you."

Clair clenched her jaw shut, refusing to let her tears fall. With each word, her heart broke into even more pieces. Nel saw it, but didn't fully comprehend the reasons behind it, though she had a fair idea.

"Please understand. If I could love you as you deserve, I would. But I can't. You'll find someone suited to you someday, I swear."

'This is the right thing to do, isn't it? She deserves to know the truth. But… why do I feel like a liar and a coward? I'm doing the only thing that's right for us both… aren't I?'

With a soft sound that the spy knew was a barely restrained sob, Clair stood and retreated to the door, then turned, and for the first time Nel really saw how bad she looked. Her eyes were wet and bloodshot, her face and every inch of exposed skin liberally coated with dirt or blood, or both. Her clothes were torn and equally dirty, and her hair was unkempt and matted. It was all she could do to not rise and pull the taller woman into her arms and hold her as tightly as she could. The pain on her face was immensely obvious to her despite the commander's attempts to bury it.

"Clair..."

The runologist shook her head, every line of her body indicative of defeat.

"As you wish, Nel. I... I think I'll go back to Arias. If you... if you ever need me, I'll be there."

Clair's voice betrayed her entirely too fragile state of mind. She was strong enough to face death and the horrors of war, but this had broken her heart, and she had to leave before she broke down completely.

"Goodbye, Nel. Get some rest, and take care of yourself."

The redhead blinked, confused and hurt, not for herself, but because she knew what she had just done had caused more damage to her best friend than she thought possible.

'Is this what love is? This desperate need to take away another's pain, to want to never hurt them again? And what does one do when they hand someone their heart and they throw it in their face?'

"Clair, wait!" she cried as the brown-eyed commander started out the door.

This time, Clair didn't turn. Her eyes were fixed on the floor, and her hand stayed on the door.

"Please, Clair, wait."

She was unaccustomed to begging, but she would do anything to take the pain she had caused back. It weighed heavily on Clair's shoulders, and her entire body was almost sagging.

"Please, Clair..."

Finally, the other woman looked up at her, her normally gentle, lively brown eyes dull and dead, with only the faintest hint of the woman she had known all these years behind them.

"There's nothing left to say. I need... I should go."

She took another step out the door, then turned again, looking Nel right in the eye.

"But I think you're wrong about yourself. You are one of the most loving, giving people I've ever met, and your soul is strong and kind. I hope you find someone for yourself who makes you understand that, as I apparently cannot."

With that, the Shield Legion commander was gone, closing the door behind her. Nel moved as fast as her weary, pained body could go, yanking open the door. Before she could call out, Clair was around the corner, her steps rapid but unsteady. The spy slowly limped back to the bed, collapsing down onto it as tears poured down her cheeks.

"By the gods... what have I done?"


	5. Despair, Hope, and Acceptance

Disclaimers: You all know these already...

Thanks to all my reviewers for keeping up with this story. If you're interested in seeing me write other fandoms, take a look at my profile for the couples I'm considering. You're welcome to suggest any that aren't already there. Please review this story while you're here, though. I need all the encouragement I can get.

Oh, and about the last chapter... I know it was depressing. I almost cried reading it, and I _wrote_ it. So don't worry about that. I had my reasons.

If you see any errors in my grammar, spelling, etc., let me know. I tend to write late at night, and I don't always notice I made a mistake until I'm going over the story later to get ideas for the next chapter. Also, check back once in a while, because every so often I fix something or add a little here and there. And again, if you want anything expanded, tell me. Just be specific, and I'll do what I can.

**Two Soldiers: Fire and Ice**

**Chapter 5: Despair, Hope, and Acceptance**

Nel watched in silence as her two companions strode upstairs, talking and laughing with one another. They were on their way to the Mountains of Barr and the Urssa Lave Caves to find the Marquis, and had decided to rest in Arias for tonight. Albel had, thankfully, decided to stay in the inn, giving her some relief from his edgy, restless presence, which only aggravated her already tense, dark state of mind. It was the first time she had been to the town since the war, and she was torn between wanting to be here more than anything else, and wanting to run as far as she could. Clair didn't know they were here yet, and she could always stay at the inn, but...

'This shouldn't have to be so difficult. She's my best and oldest friend, right?'

The redhead wasn't sure what to think about that anymore. Clair had handed her heart over to her, and she had just dismissed her feelings as nothing. She hadn't actually believed that the gray-haired commander could actually feel that strongly for her, but... she did, or had. Nel didn't know.

'She always said I was too reckless, that I went into things without thinking them through all the way. She was right on the mark this time.'

She sighed softly, leaning against the wall and closing her eyes. She had been able to act normal and happy for the guys, but she was at her wit's end, and didn't know how much longer she could keep up the act. Since that day she'd barely slept, and when she did, she was plagued by nightmares. Sometimes it was the same one that had driven her into Clair's bedroom that night after saving Farleen and Tynave. Sometimes she would be on the battlefield, and she wouldn't reach her friend in time, and she'd die in her arms. In others, they'd be in her room again, and instead of leaving, the commander killed herself, or worse, she would kill Clair by her own hand out of anger, or, even worse than that, in the case of one nightmare, fear. The woman would jump at her, either in rage or despair, she didn't know, and Nel would draw her blade and kill her.

'I don't want to hurt her... and I could never kill her. I'd die before raising a hand or blade against Clair.'

But she knew she had hurt the other woman. She would lay awake at night, either in fear of her dreams or in their aftermath, and the expression she had seen on Clair's face would haunt her. She had never seen those eyes so dim and empty, never seen the proud runologist broken.

'And I who would kill anyone who hurt her less... who caused her any pain.'

The spy shook her head sadly. The gray-haired commander was the best part of her life, or had been. She didn't know if she could live with herself knowing the damage she'd done to the one person who had ever cared for her as a person, not as a tool, a weapon, but to live without her was even more terrifying, Clair had always been her one constant, the one thing that wouldn't change. She was there at the best and worst of times, and they had supported each other all their lives. Life without her didn't seem possible.

'Maybe, if I talk to her, she'll forgive me... I don't deserve it, or her, but I need both. I can't live like this. If I don't get some sleep, I'm going to die because I couldn't stay awake in battle, or something even more pathetic. And until I see her alive and well with my own eyes, whether or not she forgives me for my carelessness, I won't be able to rest.'

Nel sighed again. It sounded easy enough in her head, but to actually talk to the woman after all but throwing her heart in her face wasn't going to be easy.

'And what if she won't talk to me? What if she's busy with someone...'

Her mind rejected both thoughts, not because they weren't possibilities, but because she didn't want to face them. She knew she had told Clair she'd find someone to love her, but she hadn't actually thought about that. She had trouble seeing her friend with anyone, not because she wasn't beautiful or intelligent enough, but because...

'Because I can't imagine anyone who could ever deserve her.'

This was getting ridiculous. She knew she was stalling, but when the Shield Legion commander's aide came out of the conference room, she waited for the woman to see her, then gestured her over.

"Lady Nel? I hadn't heard you were here. Lady Clair didn't mention anything about you coming or we would have-"

The redhead waved a hand, cutting her off.

"Clair doesn't know I'm here yet. I was about to see her, but..."

She paused, then went on, trying hard to sound nonchalant and recognizing that she wasn't doing very well.

"...How is she? After... after everything that happened in the battle, I was worried how she would feel, and I know she was injured."

The aide nodded, seemingly oblivious to Nel's strained tone and exhausted stance. She moved slightly closer and lowered her voice. If anyone else had asked, she would have said the commander was fine, but this was Lady Clair's best friend, and she had a right to know. Maybe she could even help.

"The war seems to have been very hard on Lady Clair. She's slept very little since coming back wounded from Aquios, and she... she seems to have lost some of her spark. She goes through the motions of life, but seems to get no enjoyment from it. I haven't seen her smile since the battle, nor has she cried. She speaks only if she has to, and even then it sometimes takes a moment to get her attention. I think she has nightmares, as well. One night I passed by her room and heard her cry out, but when I asked her about it she wouldn't say anything. I'm very worried for her, because along with not sleeping, she rarely eats, and has taken to spending much of her time alone in her room."

The Crimson Blade closed her eyes, holding back the stinging tears.

'Clair... gods forgive me...'

"Thank you," she managed, "Carry on. I take it she's in the conference room?"

"Yes ma'am," the aide replied, saluting and walking away.

Nel stayed where she was for a long moment, unable to move. She wanted to cry, not because she was tired or hurt, but because of what she had done to her friend.

'No one deserves her love, no one can, but I... I don't even deserve her friendship or forgiveness. Do I have the right to ask for them? Will she care? Am I going to lose her?'

Her dark train of thought was broken as someone closed the door at the end of the hall and came towards her with slow, uneven steps. She melted into the shadows instantly despite, or because of, knowing full well whom those steps belonged to. Clair passed her without looking up, her shoulders slumped, her brown eyes bloodshot and dull, her usual elegant grace all but gone. She started up the stairs, but turned about halfway up, glancing in the direction of her shadowed corner before continuing up. Nel followed in silence, and stood outside the door of her room for what felt like days, but was only a few minutes.

'Come on, Zelpher. Nothing will be solved by cowardice. If nothing else, she deserves your apology.'

With a sigh and a visible lifting of her shoulders, as if she were bracing herself for battle, Nel started to knock, then shook her head. Not wanting to take the risk that Clair would refuse to see her outright, as uncharacteristic as that would be, she opened the door herself instead, stepping silently into the room.

'By the grace of Apris!'

The room was a mess. Clothes lay strewn across the floor, and books and paper covered the small desk. No fire was lit, leaving it cold and dim, the only source of light a large candle on the bedside table. This alone was frighteningly unlike the woman she had known all these years. Clair was meticulous in her habits, and Nel had never seen her or her room more than slightly disorderly. What was worse was the bed, and the form on it. The blankets were tangled near the end, the pillows lying on the floor. Clair herself was flopped gracelessly down, her head resting on her arm, her clothes wrinkled and her hair matted.

'She looks terrible! I can't believe she looks this bad, even if I did say some careless things, unless it was more than that...'

She thought about that, her eyes widening.

'Please tell me it's not... what if I... she was already upset when I talked to her about that... she had been crying so much, and she looked so scared and worried... did I just push her too far too fast? Did I not only reject her heart, but deliver the killing blow to a spirit already wounded by my stupidity and carelessness?'

That was the reasonable conclusion, and it pierced her heart like one of her own blades.

'Than my crime is even worse than I thought... damn my recklessness! She deserves so much better than me...'

The spy moved closer with hesitant strides until she was right by the bed, looking directly down at her friend. The Shield Legion commander stirred slightly despite her silent approach, but didn't turn.

"Who's there?"

She didn't actually have to ask. She knew only one person who could move without a sound the way this person had. Clair hadn't heard the woman approach, but rather, felt her. Whenever the redhead was in the room, everything seemed just a little warmer and brighter, and she would suddenly start feeling safe, even after what had happened.

"Clair..."

She didn't want to turn, or move at all, but the agony in the whispered word forced her to. The gray haired woman was faced with an expression almost as haunted as her own.

"Nel, what's wrong?"

Nel kneeled down as her friend started to push herself upright, her knees going weak. Her eyes watered, but she held the tears back with an effort. She tried to figure out what to say, what would possibly make things right between them, then remembered something Clair had said before she left.

"Clair... you said if I needed anything I could come see you."

The brown eyes tried to look away, but their owner couldn't summon the will to do it. She could see the tears building, and the ragged pain in a face as familiar to her as her own, and sighed. The commander knew her friend was suffering under a burden of guilt and pain which she could see even in her current state, and she was self-aware enough to know there was no way she could ignore that. Clair didn't hold a grudge against her friend for rejecting her feelings, and in fact was grateful beyond words that the other woman had said she still wanted to be friends. What had hurt her so much was that Nel had just dismissed her feelings so easily, and that Nel thought so little of herself as to think she wasn't capable of loving anyone.

'How could anyone who gives so much of herself to others think that?'

She shook her head slightly. Since coming back from Aquios, she had shut herself down. She had known Nel would more than likely not return her love, but she hadn't known how badly it would hurt to hear her actually say it, nor had she known how much hope she had held that she wouldn't. Nightmares had hounded at her battered defenses at every turn when she tried to sleep, so she didn't. Images of Nel's condemnation or death would invade her thoughts whenever anyone mentioned the battle, so she avoided others. She could barely tolerate the sight of food, so she didn't eat. It wasn't just her beloved friend's rather tactless rejection or the shattering of her hopes that had broken her spirit. They had just been the last things she could take that day. It had started with the injuries Nel had suffered because of her orders and just gotten worse from there.

'I sent her into the heart of that battle, and the bombardment of the celestial ships. She almost died on my orders, and then again to heal me... how could I not have nightmares after that? What kind of person would I have to be to not?'

The runologist was well acquainted with nightmares, but they had never been so all-consuming.

'Of course, I've never had Nel's life draining away as she laid in my arms, either.'

All this passed through her mind in the few seconds it took for the green-eyed spy to take a breath and completely focus those sad, drained eyes on her.

"What do you need, Nel?"

Her voice came out exhausted and raspy as always, but now there was some strength in it, and it both encouraged and frightened the redhead.

"I... I need..." she struggled with the words, then just let her heart speak for her. "I need my best friend back."

Clair tilted her head, surprised. Nel was still kneeling, looking up at her with an expression that could only be called pleading. Her friend almost never begged for anything. She had in fact only heard her do it twice before, once in the midst of a nightmare, the other...

'When she was asking me to stay after telling me she didn't love me...'

It had been almost impossible to walk away with Nel giving her that look, but in that moment she had needed to be as far away from the woman as she could get. She watched the mask that usually effectively guarded Nel's emotions from everyone but her fall away, and almost gasped at the sadness and agony she saw there. Even she couldn't completely see through the walls in those green eyes, though she did far better than others, but now her friend was letting her into her soul.

"I need my best friend... I need her to tell me it's okay, and I didn't destroy the best thing I could ever hope to have... I need her to hold me and promise me that I still have something to come back to. I need... I need to wake up and see her there and know she's alive, that I didn't..."

Nel paused, her body trembling faintly. The tears she had held back flowed freely down her face as the last vestiges of her control fell away, leaving her totally open to those piercing brown orbs.

"I need you."

This last plaintive, pleading sentence took away Clair's breath and she slid down onto the floor, wrapping the more muscular, but really very fragile, soldier in a tight, warm hug as she cried on her shoulder.

"Oh Nel..."

She held her crying friend as close as she could, breathing in the smell of her soft red hair with a sense of almost guilty pleasure, and gently rubbed her back. It was almost a relief to see Nel cry. The commander knew better than anyone how much all the death could affect the other woman, but she rarely let her emotions show. Nel would just bottle it up until she couldn't take it anymore. Judging from the sheer desperation of her sobs, she hadn't let go at all since then, and she had just reached her limit.

"It's fine, Nel. Everything is fine. It'll all be okay."

Knowing Nel as well as she did, she could guess the shorter woman had been having nightmares just as she had been, and it made her wonder how much her friend had been hurt by not just the war, but by her own reaction to her rejection. Before she could find the words to ask, Nel spoke again in a barely audible, ragged voice.

"I would never hurt you intentionally, Clair. I would never..." a soft sob tore from her throat as she tried to get the rest of her sentence out, "... I would... I would never... k-kill you, ever..."

That took the gray-haired woman by surprise. She had never even imagined the Crimson Blade hurting her deliberately. Even when in a rage, the fierce anger had never been directed at her, and she had never felt threatened by her much physically stronger friend.

"I know that, Nel. I've never imagined you would attack me, even when you were angry. What brought that up?"

The watery green eyes looked up, filled with a seemingly never ending well of pain that made her regret asking. Clair almost flinched just seeing it. Even if she didn't feel the same, she still loved Nel as much as ever, and seeing her in pain was all but unbearable.

"Sometimes... I have nightmares about that. Since the war, since that day. I... sometimes I hurt or even kill you. I would sooner die than..."

She trailed off, and the Shield Legion commander rocked her gently as her sobs were renewed.

"It's okay, Nel. I know."

Clair held her for a long time, rocking her like she would a child. Nel normally wouldn't have accepted the coddling, even from her friend, but she desperately needed it. She could hear the strong heartbeat that was only a little faster than usual under her ear, smell the silky gray hair from the longer tail just in front of her nose, and feel the warmth of pale skin on her own. These were all the things she had lost in her nightmares, and in her worst daytime thoughts. The spy let go of her emotions, unable to even think of controlling them anymore. All the pain spilled out of her in the form of sobs, gasps, and tears, the runologist's touch healing her emotional wounds more effectively than any spell.

"Promise me... that I won't lose you? Please, Clair..."

The taller woman shook her head slightly, sighing to herself. Nel sounded so... wounded. Wounded and frightened, like the little girl she had never really been.

'You never let yourself be a child after your father was killed, did you? You decided you were going to be a warrior, and that was it. The end of whatever shreds of innocence you had. But what we had never changed. You still held me when I had nightmares, and you still let me be there for you when you were hurt or upset. Well... most of the time, anyway.'

She smiled to herself, letting the embrace mend some of the cracks in her heart. Yes, a part of her had been broken by seeing Nel dying, then having the woman almost casually reject her love, but all it took for the healing process to start was having the woman in her room, crying in her arms because she needed her best friend back in her life.

"Nel," she started, knowing this was what her redheaded companion needed to hear more than anything right now, "you've never lost me, and you never will. I've always been here for you, just like I will be as long as I live. All you have to do is ask, and I'll do anything I can to help you. You should know that by now. No matter what happens, I will always..."

She trailed off, wondering if she had any right to say what she was about to. The green eyes came up again as their owner noticed her hesitation, and she sighed. Nel saw right into her, and she could guess what Clair was about to say. She didn't know whether or not it was the right thing to do either, but she had to do it, had to hear it as much as her friend needed to say it.

"Always what?"

The sad voice, so pained and raspy, tore at the commander's heart again. There was no way she could refuse the request so obviously put into the words.

"No matter what happens," Clair said slowly, pushing the words out around the lump forming in her throat, "I will always love you, Nel. No matter what you say or do, or anything else that may come up in either of our lives, I have never stopped loving you, an I never will as long as my spirit endures.."

Clair held her breath, begging the gods that Nel would be willing to accept that and continue their friendship as it was. Her heart, already jagged and torn, almost shattered once more when the spy shifted out of her arms and stood, and a twisted, barely restrained sob tore from her throat.

'Not again... please not again... if she walks out on me now, I...'

The gods, or Nel, must have heard her prayers, because before the only slightly healed cracks in her battered, broken spirit could burst wide open, she was wrapped up in strong arms and lifted up off the floor. She found herself held tightly against the Crimson Blade leader as she was laid down with infinite care, as if she were made of precious jewels and the finest crystal. She could feel Nel's warmth all up and down her body where they touched, and when she gathered the courage to look at her friend, she found they were on equal footing. She could see the mirror of her own agony in those liquid green eyes, in the unkempt hair and clothes, and the deep, lingering pain in the noble face. They were both unsure and hurt, both too exhausted to fight their emotions back into their safe cages.

"I don't know what I've done in my life to deserve that kind of devotion, Clair, and to be honest, I can't think of anything that would make me worthy of your love," the redhead began, hushing her when she would have spoken up, "but even if I can't return it, I will always cherish it for the honor and gift it is. You have the strongest, most caring heart of anyone I could ever imagine. I'll give my life to protect that from breaking ever again."

The runologist didn't know what to say to that, so she didn't say anything, just buried her face in Nel's neck and held on for dear life as a tide of emotion threatened to overwhelm her completely shattered defenses. Strong arms wrapped around her body with the same desperate grip as the redhead faced her own torrent of feelings. The empty, dead feeling that had consumed her since that day had faded, leaving a bright, warm place in her soul filled with the knowledge of not only Clair's continued friendship, but the most precious of gifts, her heart.

"I'll protect you, your heart, and your home as long as I live," she promised, her voice and eyes tearful and raw.

"All I ask is that you come home," Clair replied in the same tone, "and don't you dare die on me. I have enough nightmares as it is without them becoming reality."

Nel sighed softly. She knew the mission she was on was dangerous, as was what she had to do if they succeeded, but Clair had a point, and she knew there was no way she would cause her friend that much pain again, not if she had anything to say about it, which she decided she would.

"I'll come back when we finish this. I promise you, Clair, I'll come home again."

'Home...'

The word had never meant much to her before, but now it did. She had never thought she had a home to go back to, really, or anyone waiting for her, but she knew now how stupid that was. Clair had always been here, and wherever Clair was...

'...Is home. A place to go where I can be myself without fear of having that used against me, a place where someone is happy to see me because it's me, not because I might have useful information. A friend and... someone who loves me. A beautiful, caring, strong person who is so easily my equal in so many things, and my superior in more.'

As they laid there together in silence, letting their emotions, both the pain and the joy, run through them, Nel thought about the empty days that had passed since the battle. Protecting the Sacred Orb in the Shrine of Kaddan came to mind, and her thoughts settled on that. The Orb itself wasn't what she was remembering, though. Instead, what she focused on was her thoughts and feelings at the time.

**(Flashback)**

Running and fighting their way through the Shrine had been a challenge. It was a huge place, and Nel's energy and patience were at their limits. Her fighting became fiercer the closer they got to the Orb's resting place, and her companions took that as her frustration with the Vendeeni. In reality, she was exhausted, and it was wearing heavily on her. She had cried for a long time after Clair had run out, draining all her reserves. What was worse was that she could still feel the almost unbearable sadness eating at her, barely touched by her earlier outpouring of pain and grief. She was fighting not the Vendeeni, but her own agony, the memory of the expression on Clair's beautiful face.

'Did I just think she's beautiful?'

She shook her head, viciously slicing down a soldier in her path, returning to her thoughts. She knew many considered the other woman beautiful, but did she find her friend attractive? She thought back to her face when she opened her eyes, covered in dirt and blood, her eyes red from crying and the tears making tracks in the mess.

'Yes,' she thought with some surprise, 'she is beautiful, and I do find her attractive.'

Nel sighed softly, almost completely lost in her thoughts despite the fighting going on around her. She absently ducked a burst of energy from a guard and killed him without losing her concentration.

'Even seeing her covered in all that blood, I found her beautiful. What does that mean?'

The redhead couldn't get around thinking about that same face covered in a mask of pain and despair. The memory made her heart ache with sympathy and regret, and she found herself wondering what she could do to make it up to her friend, how she could stop a look like that from ever appearing on her again.

'And she said she loved me...'

The Crimson Blade froze for a split second, barely noticeable to anyone but herself.

'Clair loves me...'

She knew she had heard it, but she hadn't let herself think about it. Now she did, and she realized what a gift she had disregarded without thought.

'Clair loves me... how could a woman like Clair Lasbard possibly give her love, the most precious gift anyone can give another, to a person like me, a soldier with nothing to offer in return?'

Nel sighed, knowing how true that was. She went from mission to mission, gaining no riches and darkening her heart and soul as she went. How could a woman with such purity to her spirit care so much for a person with bloodstains on her hands and a killer inside? The redhead didn't know, but she wasn't sure that mattered right now. What she really cared about was repairing her relationship with her old friend as quickly as possible, and doing everything she could to heal the pain she had caused.

'When I get back, Clair, I'll find a way to fix this. I'll make the damage I caused go away, and never let anyone do that to you again, especially not me. Once I do that I can start asking questions. Not until then.'

**(Flashback)**

Nel smiled softly down at her companion, brushing one of her messy gray tails out of the exhausted, but now much more relaxed, face with a feeling of intensely soothing familiarity and lightly stroking the pale cheek.

"You need to take better care of yourself, my friend. You're too pale and thin, even for you."

The commander laughed softly, meeting the watching eyes. She was entranced all over again by the gentle gaze, just as it had the night they had spent together before the war. The hand touching her cheek was comforting and warm, dispelling the cold lingering inside her. She leaned into it, smiling up at its owner.

"And what do you mean by that?"

It was Nel's turn to laugh. They both knew what she meant, and neither actually required any explanation, nor particularly wanted one. They just needed to joke and laugh for the first time since the war. After a few more minutes of light, cheerful conversation and some of comfortable silence, the spy hauled herself off the bed and to her feet, waving Clair down when she started to rise, giving her a confused look. With easy, efficient motions she had a crackling fire going and water from the washroom in a pot over it. When it wasn't quite boiling, but still hot, she had her friend sit up and gently washed the tears off her face, then undid the ties in the long hair.

"What are you doing?" Clair asked softly, watching Nel's face as she worked. She seemed relaxed and much happier than she had when she'd come in, and a small smile was playing across her face, which widened as the spy looked up at her.

"Taking care of you. Now, where's your brush?"

She pointed, confused as she watched the redhead pick up the brush and stride back over, slipping behind her. With slow, soft strokes, Nel brushed the tangles out of her gray hair, her strong, calloused hand running through it as she went, occasionally brushing against the skin of her neck and face. After a long, pleasant time of just that, Clair was falling asleep, comforted beyond words by the redhead's presence and ministrations.

"Sleep, Clair," her beloved friend whispered in her ear, easing her down into bed.

As the runologist slipped into a comfortable, warm space, Nel hesitated, unsure of what to do. A part of her wanted to slip into bed next to her, while another part was afraid of being unwelcome, despite the apparent restoration of their easy friendship. The decision was made for her when a hand grabbed her wrist as she started to rise.

"Stay," Clair said, her voice already husky with sleep. It was neither request or demand, just a statement of desire and need that she couldn't resist.

With a soft smile, she disengaged the hand, soothing the sad, hurt frown that crossed the gentle face.

"I'm not going anywhere. Just let me take the pot off the fire and get my armor off."

She only had the chance to do one before she was called back over to the bed, where the commander insisted on helping her out of her armor and scarf. With another smile and a thank you, she settled into bed, her own exhaustion coming to the fore of her mind.

'Maybe now we can both get some rest,' Nel thought, watching Clair's face go slack.

She pulled the slimmer woman against her, feeling her press her ear against her heart with another smile, letting the train of thought she had started continue to its end.

'The nightmare is over now, and maybe we can both heal. If nothing else, there is hope for both of us now. She is the soul I lack, my conscience, my healer, and my home. I'll always protect her for that, and for just being… her.'

Nel fell asleep, happy for the first time in days. As long as she had Clair, she knew, everything would be okay. She had somewhere to come when she hurt, and someone to protect. That was all she needed to keep fighting, keep living.

Clair felt the body in her arms go slack, and even in sleep, she smiled, perfectly content to lose herself in dreams, knowing the reality that awaited her when she woke up was so much brighter than it had been just a short time before.


	6. When Nightmares and Reality Collide

Disclaimers: Everyone knows these...

First off, I'm very grateful to all my reviewers. Thank you for giving me the encouragement to keep working on this story, especially those of you who keep coming back. It would have probably taken me a lot longer to get six chapters up without your help. Just look at my other story.

Next, if you've played Evergrace, and maybe even if you haven't, could a couple of you look at my other story? This is just a request, since I can't decide whether or not to keep working on it or leave it is as. Enjoy this fic.

I know this chapter is a little shorter than the ones I usually do, and I apologize for that. I have the next chapter in mind already, but I don't know how long it'll take for me to write it. I've had some trouble with writer's block lately, and this chapter was a struggle to get out. I know there's no flashback, but I might add one later if anyone asks me to. I have a few vague ideas of what I could do. If anyone does want one, let me know and I'll add one and post it later.

And I know I mortally wounded Nel again, but this is in the game, not something I came up with, so don't blame me. Blame the original creators of the game.

**Two Soldiers: Fire and Ice**

**When Nightmares and Reality Collide**

"Clair?"

The gray-haired woman looked up from the conference table and the reports she was reading, smiling broadly at her old friend. Their reunion just before the mission to find Crosell was still fresh in her mind, and the memory of time spent just talking and reconnecting with one another after she returned warmed her heart almost as much as Nel's smile did.

"Hello, Nel. Is something on your mind?"

"Yes, actually," the redhead sighed, her smile fading into an unhappy frown, "I have a lot of things on my mind. I can't relax with so much going through my head. I was thinking I'd go for a walk, try to put things in order for myself."

Clair smiled sadly. Since Fayt and Cliff had left, Nel had been restless. It wasn't that she hadn't been active or busy. She had. The two runologists had done many tasks from exterminating monsters on the roads to helping with the reconstruction of Arias together, talking and relaxing together as often as possible. The short-lived breach between them had healed, though the scars were still raw for both of them. They had taken to sleeping together, the only protection they had from their mutual nightmares.

'Of course, our minds both have fodder enough for nightmares for the rest of our lives.'

She sighed to herself. Falling asleep, and waking up, in the spy's strong, warm arms was the best deterrent to the horrible images of blood, death, and rejection, and the last few days were the closest to truly happy she had ever felt. Nonetheless, both had been aware of a slight tension. Not from each other, however. On the contrary, they were as close, if not more so, than they had ever been, a new, deep understanding and bond forming between them. Sometimes they could even communicate without speaking, in a way. Still, a strange, tense energy wouldn't leave them. A feeling of dread filled her few idle moments, a terrible fear she couldn't put aside. The same seemed true of Nel.

"Where do you think you'll go?" she asked in place of voicing her thoughts.

"I don't know. I was thinking about taking the road towards Kirlsa. There is still much to do that way."

The Shield Legion commander nodded, but the feeling of dread was rising within her again.

"Did you need anything before you go?"

Nel's eyes locked on her own for several long, silent moments, a silent debate going on behind green depths that never ceased to fascinate her. To most people, the spy's face, her eyes, were a cool mask, unpenetrable, but to her, those same eyes were a window into her soul, more so because Nel, consciously or not, dropped her guard when they were alone together, and sometimes even when they weren't.

"I... there is one thing."

"Name it."

The redhead's smile returned, a shadow of its former self, but there. Clair's attentive, eager expression was sweet, touching her heart.

'She really will do anything I ask, if it's in her power. Who else can say they have someone in their life as beautiful, kind, caring, honest, and loving as she is? I alone am her best friend, and the more time I spend with her, the more I realize how much I need that, need her, in my life. And I almost let that slip away.'

When she noticed the faraway expression in her friend's face, Clair's smile brightened. Nel was beautiful, but when she let her feelings show, she was even more so. Right now, her face was gentle and warm, her gaze almost a caress. Allowing herself the luxury of a few moments to bask in it, she cleared her throat, pulling the Crimson Blade's attention back to the present. The spy flushed when she realized she had lost her train of thought in contemplation of her companion's face, and mentally berated herself for her loss of attention.

"Sorry. I was just... well..." she sighed, shaking her head. "Never mind. What I wanted to ask for was your company. I've always found it to be a balm when I most need one."

Shy as she was about admitting what could be conceived as a weakness or dependence on her part, she knew she had spoken the truth. Clair's gentle nature had a way of soothing her more than anything she had ever known, and she had grown to rely on that since the two 'engineers' had left.

"I'd be more than happy to, Nel. We can leave whenever you'd like."

The commander, for her part, knew she was smiling brightly, but couldn't bring herself to dampen it. She was glad beyond words that the one thing Nel would request was her presence. As close as they had become, it was still a pleasant surprise when the spy would say something like that, and it still warmed her to the core.

"Let us go, then."

The pair left, taking pleasure in the company of the other as they fought their way through the monsters on the road to Kirlsa. They'd talk and laugh even when faced with enemies, making bets on who could defeat it faster, the stronger melee fighter, or the more skilled runologist. Nel couldn't help but notice that fighting and traveling with Clair was much more pleasant than even the best times with the guys. When they reached Kirlsa, they took a short rest while she figured out what do to next. A strange thought occurred to her, and she voiced it without meaning to.

"Do you mind if we go down to the training facility?"

Brown eyes locked on her in an intense, searching gaze. The runologist knew better than anyone how much that place had affected Nel. She still had nightmares sometimes, and would have to be held and soothed for a while after Clair woke her up. She didn't mind in the least, but she was always pained to see the noble features as tormented as the dreams clearly made her.

"If that's what you want. Are you sure?"

Nel nodded, knowing her friend was wondering why she wanted to go there of all places, but she couldn't explain. In all honesty, she didn't know herself. All she knew was that she felt a pull from that place, and she needed to go.

"Yes. I don't know what it is... I just feel like I need to be there."

She shrugged, her expression one of mild confusion.

"Maybe if you and I go together, the nightmares will stop," Clair said thoughtfully, "You'll be able to see that the place is no threat to either of us."

Nel smiled, taking her friend's hand and leading her down the town's path.

"I hadn't thought of that, but you're probably right."

Just as they reached the gate to the road, the redhead turned abruptly, wrapping strong arms around the taller woman, pulling her against her body.

"Thank you so much, Clair."

An elegant, long fingered hand traced her confused, surprised expression, the rough, calloused fingers gentle on soft skin.

"For what?"

"Just for being here," Nel whispered, "for wanting to be here."

"Always."

The word was said with absolute certainty, and the Crimson Blade smiled softly, taking possession of the runologist's hand as she pulled back, stroking a thick tail of pale hair. She tugged gently on the limb she held, leading them onto the Granah Hills path. When they reached the facility, she guided the way to the arena on the top floor, looking at the place Tynave and Farleen had been bound, and where Clair had been tortured in her dreams. She bowed her head, remembering, but the memories didn't consume her. The warm, solid hand gripping hers with steady, calming strength anchored her in the now, and she smiled at its owner.

"This was where they were held, wasn't it? Where your nightmares take you."

The second wasn't a question. Clair knew. Nel nodded anyway, freeing her hand just to wrap it around the slim waist, a warm arm twining around her shoulders in return. She rested her head on a small but solid shoulder, soaking in the strength and confidence offered to her.

"It was here, yes. Tynave and Farleen were badly beaten when we found them, and I... I was so tired. My cut must have been bleeding all the while without me noticing, which is probably why I had so little energy."

The commander nodded, stroking a well-muscled arm. She had to admit to being curious about this place, and she wanted to explore a little.

"Nel, I wanted to look around. Do you want to come, or should I stay here with you?"

"Go," the redhead replied, "explore all you want. I'll wait for you here."

The gentle, open, at least to her, face betrayed the love and concern the Shield Legion soldier felt.

"Are you sure you'll be alright alone?"

Nel nodded.

"Go on, my friend. You still worry too much. I'll be fine here. I just need to clear my head, and this is as good place as any to think on everything that's happened."

Clair smiled and started to walk away, then looked back, a strange expression on her face. The runologist felt the dread that had been relegated to the back of her mind surge up, and she had a terrible feeling something was about to go horribly wrong.

"Nel?" she called after her friend, making her turn around.

"Clair, what is it?"

A few strides saw the Crimson Blade at her side, and she reached over, tracing the rounded face, memorizing the features, the exact shade of the green eyes. A sudden compulsion seized her, and she embraced her friend tightly, whispering into the other woman's ear.

"I love you, Nel. I just want you to remember that. No matter what happens, I will always love you."

"I know," the redhead answered softly, wondering what had caused the strange shadow to fall across the warm face, "What brought that up?"

Clair shrugged eloquently.

"I don't know. I just felt..."

'Like this could be my last chance...'

She shook off the disturbing, painful thoughts and summoned a wan smile.

"I don't know. I'll just go... explore."

Nel nodded slowly, apparently willing to let the matter drop for the moment.

"As you wish."

The commander smiled again, then leaned forward, pressing a light, fleeting kiss to the corner of Nel's lips, not at all unlike the one the soldier herself had given after the battle.

'After I told her I loved her...'

She had forgotten that, and resolved to ask her friend about it later.

'And there will be a later... if the gods have any grace, there will be.'

The runologist smiled softly, turning away and leaving the arena while Nel stared after, touching the spot Clair had kissed.

'Why did I do that?'

Clair didn't know why, but she had and there was no changing that. She had just finished exploring the third floor when a terrible sinking feeling engulfed her, a feeling that made her sprint back to the arena. There she saw Cliff, Fayt, Maria, and several others she didn't know, along with a trio of being she didn't recognize and a strange device. She turned her head in time to see Nel slip behind and above the beings on the wall surrounding the arena, which she herself was concealed on.

'Please, please don't do something foolish.'

One of the beings was clearly gloating about something, something to do with her friends being unable to transport away. Nel suddenly jumped up, coming into view of the others.

'No, please...'

"That's because of this thing!"

As proud and dashing an image she made, Clair wanted nothing more than for Nel to get back out of sight, but of course, she didn't. Instead, she flipped up, drawing her blades in a rapid move and destroying the device. When the strange beings started shooting bolts of energy at her after a very brief exchange between the redhead and Fayt, she dodged rapidly, but to the commander's horror, one struck her mid-movement, and she released a cry of mortal pain that went straight to the watcher's heart, threatening to break it. Chaos erupted, and her friends made short work of the being called Biwig while Clair stared in silence, to shocked to do anything.

'Nel... get up... please, please get up, Nel. You can't die...'

The young men ran to Nel when the battle ended, but by then she was shaking and pale, her body mostly limp, her expression, which she could see reasonably well from her vantage point, was becoming more distant and slack every second. Hearing what Nel said about 'one last time' nearly sent her into hysterics, but at the same time made her feel incredibly empty, like the very core of her being had been ripped away. When Nel went completely limp in Cliff's arms, she blinked dazedly and rose, slowly descending from the wall and dragging her feet back to the main level of the arena. By the time she got there, however, they were all gone, nothing but two separate pools of blood testament that anyone had been there at all. She collapsed where she had seen her friend, her beloved, fall, touching the rapidly cooling blood.

"No, please... please... the gods... truly have no mercy on the living."

Clair bowed her head, staring at her red-stained hands, morbidly fascinated with them.

'Nel is gone... her warmth, her strength, her heart...'

She closed her eyes against the agony, feeling her still raw heart bursting apart, bleeding just as the Crimson Blade's body had.

'She's gone...'

She turned her face up to the heavens, crying out to the gods in despair.

"How could you take her from me! She was my life, my soul! How could you let her die!"

No response came, no sign, and her head bowed down, buried in her hands and the scent of blood.

'Nel is dead...'

The thought finally penetrated fully, causing tears to burst from her eyes, and a single word ripped itself from her throat in the howl of a mortally wounded beast.

"**NOOOO!**"


	7. Resurrections and Awakenings

Disclaimers: I don't own the rights to Star Ocean or any of its characters. Don't sue me.

Okay, I know this chapter took longer than I usually do, partially out of lack of reviews, partially out of lack of time (or proper prioritizing, maybe...), but mostly due to writer's block. Please keep in mind that I'm working on two very complex novels, and it's hard to shift gears between projects. I mostly wrote this in the very early mornings, as I was trying to get it down and posted before I lost it, so it might seem a bit rough. Let me know what you think.

All that said, please review this. The easiest way to get me to update sooner is to give me input, or just comments. And once again, I ask that you be specific if you have any requests on expanding a scene or anything like that. Check back for any edits I do on this chapter or others.

**Two Soldiers: Fire and Ice**

**Chapter 7: Resurrections and Awakenings**

'Finally... I'm home again...'

Nel took a deep breath, taking in the familiar scent and feel of the Aire/Kirlsa Hills. The transport device that had brought them here from 4-D space was still there, but a part of her almost wished it wasn't. That was the part that wanted to forget about the things she had learned, the way the people in the dimension they had just visited treated their creations.

'Gods I have no trouble with believing in, but beings that would treat others as playthings...'

She shook her head, looking around. Monsters had risen along the path again, and she took another deep breath, this one slightly shaky. It looked as though Clair hadn't kept up their patrols, and that worried her deeply. She knew her friend had been in the arena, and the last thing she saw before passing out had been a glimpse of terrified, disbelieving eyes, a face that looked ready to shatter.

'She saw me there, and likely thinks I'm dead. I have to go see her. Thank the gods Fayt and the others agreed to come here when I asked. I'm not sure how much longer I could have taken not being able to see her, to make sure she's okay.'

It had been far more difficult than she had thought possible to stand the separation from her best friend, and while she knew a large part of it stemmed from worry and guilt, the rest was just purely selfish desire to be in Clair's comforting, stable presence as her perceptions were twisted and warped again and again, her entire basis of beliefs shattered.

'Of course, I volunteered to leave. I could have said I wanted to go back home. Why didn't I?'

She knew on some level that what she had told Fayt was a part of it. She was a soldier in a world where peace was needed. She had no purpose there, nothing that took all her skills and challenged her abilities. On the other hand, Clair was here, and that was the rest of it. She could feel something changing between them, and if she was brutally honest with herself, she was terrified of it. Her emotions were all but out of control when the taller woman was around, and while the mix of warmth and cool calm that radiated from her was almost intoxicating, it was also frightening.

'Stop trying to rationalize it, Zelpher. You're afraid you're going to lose her when whatever this is becomes too much for her and she gives up on you. Just face it, losing her friendship scares you more than death ever has.'

That was true enough, the redhead knew. That short, tense period when it looked as though their friendship might have been broken had frightened her like nothing else could. Experiencing life without Clair was like existing in a shell of a person, no longer feeling warmth, or much of anything else.

'What does all this mean, anyway? I've never felt so... so attached to anyone in my life, so desperate for someone else.'

That, she realized, truly was the core of the matter. She wasn't escaping a life that threatened to become meaningless in terms of military feats, but instead running as far as she could from her own feelings, trying desperately to prove to herself that she didn't need anyone else to live beyond mere survival.

'But of course, I can't. As soon as I got up on that rampart, I took myself down the path of foolishness and cowardice, and I caused Clair to suffer.'

The redhead sighed, remembering the moment she had decided to jump. She hadn't been thinking about her friends in being in trouble. Rather, she had been focusing on escaping herself, in any way she could.

'I wanted to die, if that's what it took. How idiotic I was. Better to live happily here than die a coward's death.'

It struck her then, what she had almost given up. She had been happier than she could remember ever being in those last few days, and most, if not all, of that was due to the Shield Legion commander's anchoring presence. Without her she had felt lost, drifting in a sea of confusion and doubts. Driven by the tangible reminder of her worst nightmares and by her irrational fears, she had risked everything she knew to be good.

'And that's how I know I'm alive, and not just a plaything' Nel decided, 'I've seen many things in both dimensions, and it always comes back to one thing: there's no place I want to be more than here. This is my home. No one can take that from me but myself, not the Executioners, not the 4-D beings. Only me, and I refuse to let go of it again. No matter how hard it gets, I will not give up my place here.'

"Nel?"

Fayt's voice brought her out of her thoughts, and she looked up at him.

"Yes?"

"Is everything okay?"

She smiled softly, but her heart wasn't in it.

"Not exactly. I'm still trying to get used to everything. Do you think we could go to Arias and Aquios? I think there are some people I should speak to, and I need to report my condition to the queen, who no doubt has heard rumors of my demise."

The blue haired boy nodded, glancing briefly at the others.

"Let's get moving, then. We have a lot to do in 4-D space to secure our galaxy."

She nodded silently and headed for the Aquaria side of the hills at a rapid pace, killing monsters when they got in her path, but not actively seeking them out as she often did on patrols. When they got to the town, she hesitated, then asked the others to give her some time alone. Fayt nodded, leading the girl Sophia over to the inn while Maria and Cliff walked over to one of the shops to get more supplies. Sighing softly, she braced herself mentally and went to the manor in the middle of town, greeting the runologist outside the door.

"Lady Nel! We heard you were dead!"

She shook her head slowly.

"Almost, but my luck held. Tell me, who said I had died?"

The woman frowned.

"Lady Clair came back from Kirlsa looking completely unlike herself. The doctors saw to her immediately, but they say she is in shock and is unlikely to come out of it anytime soon. Someone went to the training facility where it was reported that you two had gone and found blood in the arena area. It was surmised that you were dead and your body taken, as you hadn't returned with Lady Clair. You two were... are very close, and the doctors thought that the cause of her current condition might have been witnessing your death."

Nel sighed again, closing her eyes against the tears that threatened to spill from them.

"And what exactly is the commander's 'current state'? You said she was in shock?"

"Yes. Lady Nel... since she returned, the commander hasn't responded to anything. She doesn't speak, she doesn't eat or drink, and she doesn't seem to sleep. The doctors call her condition catatonia. They've had to resort to forcing water down her throat and using magic to keep her body functioning. No form of treatment they can think of has appeared to do anything."

"By the gods..." the Crimson Blade whispered, "It's worse than I had imagined."

She bowed her head, the weight of what she had caused falling heavily on her shoulders, a burden that threatened to crush her. This was worse than the time before, because Clair believed her to be dead. At least before, she had known that Nel had survived her wounds.

"Maybe I can be of some help," she managed, her voice slightly strangled, "After all, I am the cause of this."

The runologist nodded, stepping out of her way. Just as the spy opened the door, the woman said, "I'm glad you survived, Lady Nel. It's been good for the town to have you here, and the Secret and Shield Legions have lost much of their morale. More than that, Lady Clair had smiled more in the days before... before what happened... than she had in a long time."

Blinking in surprise, the Secret Legion leader looked back, seeing the total sincerity in the runologist's face.

"Well... thank you, I guess. Carry on."

"Ma'am."

She slipped inside the manor, shaking her head thoughtfully. Her momentary surprise had distracted her from the terrible weight she now carried, but it crushed down on her once more as she mounted the stairs. The redhead knocked softly on the door to Clair's room before entering, finding two doctors conversing while sitting next to a pale, limp form on the bed.

'Gods... Clair...'

Both healers looked up at her when she came in, then bolted to their feet, saluting. She returned the salute, waving off their questions before they could ask.

"Don't. I'll brief you later, but I need a report on Clair's condition. I heard she's completely unresponsive to any treatment you can devise, is that true?"

The older of the two doctors, a powerful wielder of both staff and healing magic spoke up after a momentary glance at her companion.

"Yes, ma'am. She just stares. Nothing seems to reach her. She seems to have lost herself in the depths of her grief, and nothing and no one has any idea how to go that deep."

Nel slowly approached the bed, looking down at the empty face. When she had seen this face before, it had been broken and terrified, but not completely devoid of recognition or emotion. This was Clair without any of her spirit, not even the shards of it the spy's rejection had left behind. Seeing and realizing the depth of the problem, she slowly kneeled, sinking to the floor because her legs would no longer bear her weight.

"Leave us. I will try to reach her. Maybe knowing I'm alive will be enough."

Her voice was raspy and strained, her body coiled tightly as wave after wave of sickening grief and guilt washed over her. That more than anything caused the healers to obey, and they closed the door behind them. Once they were gone, she leaned forward, a trembling hand coming up to caress the too-pale face.

"Oh, Clair. I'm so sorry..."

Tears streaked down her face, and she bowed her head, resting it against the edge of the bed.

"I was such a fool, Clair. Please... please forgive me... open your eyes, Clair. I'm here. I kept the promise I made after the war, didn't I? I came home, right? Please... answer me..."

She didn't know how long she kneeled there pleading for some response from her friend before she finally got one. Slowly, almost too slow to be noticed, the hand she held tightly in both of hers tightened, and her head jerked up. Almost emotionless brown eyes blinked open slowly, their depths confused and dazed.

"What..."

The ordinarily soft, resonating voice was cracked and dull, completely devoid of its normal warmth. The only hint of inflection was a slight confusion that just barely got through the apparent apathy.

"What are you? Are you a ghost?"

"No!" Nel exclaimed, finding that she had not run out of tears as she had thought, "No, Clair, I'm not a ghost. I'm here. I'm alive."

"Nel died," came the dull response, "I watched her die. I must be hallucinating."

The redhead couldn't stand seeing such emptiness in her old friend. Clair was warm, with the ability to be cold as ice and steel when she needed to be, a fine balance to her own fierce, fiery disposition. Without that, she felt very unstable, her world shaken to its very core.

"Please, Clair, look at me. Listen to my voice. I'm here. I'm alive."

A flicker of emotion passed through the dead eyes, but only for a split second. It vanished just as quickly as it appeared, leaving only a vacant expression in its place. Despair threatened to overwhelm the Secret Legion leader, but she forced it back with an effort, focusing on finding some way to reach her friend. Since words obviously weren't quite enough, she cupped a cool cheek in one hand, rising from her knees to sit next to the woman on the bed. With her free arm, Nel pulled the runologist into her lap, rocking her gently.

"I'm here, Clair. You can hear me, you can see me, and you can touch me. Please, my friend, live. Let your soul free."

As she said it, the spy realized how true her words were. Clair looked, felt, and sounded like what could only be described as 'living death,' a term she had heard before but never really understood. It was like the Shield Legion commander had died in every sense but the physical.

'I can't let her stay like this. I won't. She's everything good in my life, and I need her. She's the reason I haven't gone mad from finding out about the 4-D beings and the game they play with our lives. She's...'

Nel blinked, surprised by where her train of thought had led her.

'She's my life... if I can't get her out of this... if she stays like this for the rest of her life... I don't think I could live with myself. I'd lose my soul, just as she seems to have lost hers.'

And that, she knew, was the heart of the matter. Watching Clair die would likely kill her, and knowing that...

'Clair was always the more sensitive of the two of us, at least when it came to anything happening to those close to her, and I don't know of anyone she's closer to than me. How would I feel if I had to watch her die?'

Her mind refused to wrap itself around the thought, which was an answer in itself. She sighed softly, holding her friend tightly.

"I'm here, Clair. I know you think you're hallucinating, but I'm alive."

The Crimson Blade lifted a limp hand, pressing the sensitive fingertips to the strong pulse in her neck and gently kissing the taller woman's forehead. When she pulled back slightly, there was a faint hint of belief in the pale brown eyes, the beginnings of awareness, and it gave her hope that she really could reach her friend.

"That's it. Listen to my voice. Feel the pulse under my skin. I'm alive, Clair. Come back to me, as I came back to you," she encouraged gently.

Very slowly, signs of life started to appear in Clair's blank eyes and features, and recognition started to fill her.

"Nel? Is it... is it really you? Is it possible?" the gray-haired woman asked softly after what felt like hours of encouragement from her companion, "Do you promise I'm not just dreaming? I don't want to wake just to find you gone again."

"You won't, I swear," Nel replied firmly, smiling sadly, "I'm really here."

Tears formed in slowly awakening eyes, their owner feeling like she had just come out of a coma. Her throat felt like she had swallowed sand, and her eyes were almost as gritty, but Nel was coming into focus above her, and she hardly dared to blink out of fear that the woman would vanish if she did, despite the spy's promise to the contrary.

"Nel..."

The redhead looked around, finding a basin of water and a cloth on the bedside table. She wet the cloth and gingerly wiped away the grime around Clair's eyes, then helped her sit up so she could dribble a few drops of water down her throat.

"Is that better?"

"Yes, thank you. How did you...?"

Nel smiled softly, knowing exactly what her friend was asking before she finished.

"How did I know your eyes and throat were bothering you?"

A nod answered her, and another piece of Clair's soul seemed to fall into place, visible in her pale eyes.

"That was easy. I know how to tell when something's wrong with you. You were blinking more than usual, and you'd wince a little when you talked. It wasn't a big jump to figuring out what was wrong."

Clair smiled, closing her eyes as Nel continued to care for her. She was content to rest in the warm, comforting place she found herself in for a while, but then reality crashed over her, and her entire body convulsed as the past and the present warred for dominance in her suddenly awake mind.

"Clair! Clair, what's wrong!"

"Nel... no..."

Strong arms held her in place against an equally strong body, providing a solid anchor against the tide that threatened to completely overwhelm her once again.

'Is this what put her in her catatonic state? Please, don't take her away from me again! I just got her back from the depths!'

Nel tightened her grip, and the convulsions gradually faded into sobs and tremors.

"Take it easy, Clair," she whispered into the taller woman's ear, stroking her back, "I've got you. What happened?"

Instead of answering, Clair clung to her friend with all the strength in her weary body. She buried her face in the crook of Nel's neck, feeling the contrasts of armor, cloth, and skin. Her mind was holding on as tightly as her arms were, desperate for some assurance that this was truly her best friend, that she was really alive.

"Why, Nel?" she managed to get past her sobs, "Why did you do it? Why did you put yourself in danger again?"

The redhead sighed. She owed Clair an explanation, and no matter what might happen after she gave it, she knew there was no avoiding it. She carefully laid them both down, smiling sadly when Clair's body tangled itself around hers. Obviously, the other woman wasn't planning on letting go anytime soon, and she found she really didn't mind. Clair's warmth soothed wounds she hadn't known her spirit had.

"Breathe, Clair. I'll tell you why, but you have to stay conscious to hear it."

When her friend had calmed somewhat, she began, the memory taking over her mind.

**(Flashback)**

Nel had wandered mostly aimlessly around the Arena level before going up onto the wall surrounding it. She heard a strange sound and saw the 'engineers' appear, along with beings she recognized as Vendeeni, and two more humans.

'Fayt's father, and a girl named Sophia...'

She slipped out of view when she saw Fayt look in her direction, obscurely relieved when he shrugged off whatever he thought he'd seen. She slipped away to look for Clair while they were talking, only to find the place full of enemies, and no sign of her friend. She was frightened for her, not because Clair wasn't an able fighter, though she was much more magically than physically inclined, but because she didn't want to risk the chance that something could happen to her precious friend. She returned to the Arena wall and watched events unfold, then realized what the problem for her friends was. The device the Vendeeni had brought was somehow preventing the humans from leaving, and Nel realized she had a choice. She could try to destroy it with runology, she could go down there, or she could stay where she was.

'I've never been the type to do nothing, but can I take the risk? I remember the Vendeeni from the temple having what Fayt called 'rifles,' and that those energy bolts could rend flesh. Those weapons look even more powerful than those the soldiers who tried to steal the Orb used.'

She sighed, watching and thinking.

'I promised Clair I'd try to think things through before I go into them, but Clair...'

The redhead blinked.

'Clair could be in danger. The longer I sit here, the more likely it is that she could be hurt.'

The pain the thought caused her was almost unbearable, and she barely managed to suppress a cry that was as much surprise as anything else. She couldn't remember ever feeling such strong emotions, and the idea that they were connected to one person frightened her to no end.

'How... what is this? What am I feeling? Why does it hurt so much?'

Pain was something she was accustomed to, but this was on an entirely different level than what she usually faced. It wasn't a physical wound of any sort, and she had no idea what to do to fix it.

'How do I make this stop? I can't live like this... I can't have everything I am so dependent on one person, no matter who they are. If just the thought of losing Clair hurts this much, how much worse would it be if she really is hurt? What if she's dead?'

The Crimson Blade doubled over, the image that invoked, as much memory as imagination, hitting like a blow to the chest.

'I have to do something, anything... I can't do nothing...'

The words sounded hollow in her own mind. She knew if she went down there, she'd likely die. She could help her friends, but it would be at the highest price.

'No, not the highest. The greatest cost isn't my own life. It's Clair's. I can't live without her, but how can I continue on this way?'

Nel growled, frustrated and confused. Almost without thought, she jumped up on the ramparts, managing to pull off some of her usual attitude. Even as she destroyed the device and greeted the newcomers, her heart and her mind were still arguing about her choice, and her emotions. When she saw the Vendeeni raise their rifles, she dodged, but just as she flipped past one bolt, she happened to glance up and see a familiar face on the wall.

'Clair...'

That split second hesitation was enough. She felt the bolt of energy collide with her body and rip through it, and she let out a scream that was as much pain as regret and anger at herself. She had gotten what a part of her had wanted. She was going to die.

'Clair... I'm so sorry...'

**(Flashback)**

As she finished her story, fresh tears spilled from Clair's face, and she wiped them away as she had all those that came before.

"After I woke up on the star ship, I took the coward's way out and went with Fayt and the others to a place called Moonbase. This is the first chance I've had since then to come back here."

The spy considered telling the Shield Legion commander about 4-D space and her adventures there, but decided against it for now. She would tell her friend everything eventually, but right now, her first priority had to be helping Clair get past the memories of her 'death.'

"Nel... I..."

Nel hung her head, afraid accusations, insults, or even angry rejection would come next, but she was surprised once again by her friend.

"I'm just glad you came back at all. I would have died before long, I think. I was so lost without you. Faced with your death, I would have happily died myself. I was ready to give up and just fade away, then you came and made life worth living again."

When the Secret Legion leader met her gaze, the runologist managed a soft smile, a shadow of her usual steady self showing through.

"You know I love you, Nel. I will love you no matter what foolish, reckless things you do. I told you not to forget that, and you did. I can't blame you for that, though. You were upset and confused, from the sound of it. That place doesn't exactly breed sensible thought."

The redhead was astonished that even someone as forgiving and understanding as Clair would not only excuse her, but continue to trust her with their heart.

"Clair... I don't deserve the gift you've given me. I've done a rather poor job of doing right by you, and my stupidity almost cost you your soul. How can you still love me?"

Clair smiled, and this time she didn't have to put as much effort into it.

"I just do, Nel. There's no logic in the heart, just feelings. And you know, you're still alive. That's all I need."

Nel stared at her, trying to take in the full depth of what she'd just been told.

"I can't promise I won't do something like that again, Clair," she warned, trying to make her friend understand. She would die for this woman, but what she was being asked for was a life. While Clair's love was a boon when she most needed one, the harm she could cause this woman if she did something foolish, as she knew she was prone to, was terrifying.

'Can I do this? Can I live my life knowing there's someone who's depending on me to come back, to stay alive? I've gotten by all this time by assuming that my death would be of some use, and that even my best friend would go on without too much trouble. Can I change the very core of what I've made myself into for another person?'

As if reading her thoughts, the other woman's face became serious, and a slightly shaky hand touched her cheek.

"Nel, I would never ask you to change who you are, or to not do something you want to do for my sake. I'm telling you how I feel because I want you to understand that you're not alone, that there is someone who cares for you. I don't need any promises from you, save one."

"And what might that be?"

"That you try to be careful. Think before you act. Make sure you aren't just throwing your life away needlessly. If you do die, I want it to be without regrets."

"But how can I go into battle knowing what'll happen to you if I die? How can I stare down death without that being on my mind? I don't want to be the reason your soul is lost, Clair. Your life is so much more precious than that."

To her surprise, the commander just laughed softly, laying her head on her shoulder and wrapping her arm tightly around her trim waist.

"You undervalue yourself, Nel. Many of our people would be much grieved if you died. The fact that my life would effectively end along with yours means little enough to me. As I said, you make my life worth living, even with the death, the pain, and the sorrow that comes with every new day. I don't want you to give up your way of life to shield me, Nel. Just give me your promise to be careful, and I'll be content."

Nel shook her head, her fingers absently running through thick gray hair.

"My promise is enough? Clair, this is your life, your soul, that we're talking about!"

"I know that, perhaps better than you do," the runologist replied levelly, "and once again, I'm telling you it's a small enough price for me to pay. You yourself said the thought of finding me dead hurt you, and that the greatest loss you could imagine was my life. The reverse is true for me. I love you with everything I am, Nel, completely and unconditionally, and to be completely honest, the very thought of life without you hurts almost more than I can bear. How would you feel if I died? Would you want to live?"

"No," the redhead whispered, "I wouldn't. My nightmares have been enough to prove that. I can't imagine how much worse it must have been, must be, for you."

She closed her eyes, trying and failing to hold back tears that once again threatened to fall.

"I'm so sorry, Clair. I was such an idiot, and it could have been so much worse. If I had taken much longer to come back here, what would I have had to come back to?"

Clair could practically feel the agonizing guilt and regret pouring off her friend, and she just held her, knowing there was nothing she could do just yet, but her mind was shaking off the cloudiness and trying to find a way to reach through the pain.

"I warned you that loving me could be dangerous, but I didn't know how much! By the gods, Clair, if you had died..."

"It's fine, Nel," Clair said, interrupting what threatened to become a full, guilt-ridden rant, "You came back. We're both alive, and we can both heal."

"But Clair..."

The commander shook her head.

"Nel, I told you the truth because I needed you to understand, not because I want you to second guess everything you do. If you have to die, I just want you to make your death meaningful."

Nel sighed softly, her fingers still stroking the gray hair.

"I don't deserve this, or you, Clair. I don't know what god decided I did, but I'm grateful. You have my promise to think, and one more."

"What might that be?"

The redhead smiled gently.

"As long as I have a home to come back to, I'm going to do everything in my power to keep coming back."

"And just where do you consider your home?" Clair asked, hearing a deeper meaning behind the words than a shelter or town.

"Wherever you happen to be, Clair."

That was enough to bring tears to her brown eyes, but this time they weren't an outpouring of grief or despair, but of joy. Nel looked worried for a moment, then seemed to sense that she wasn't crying because she was upset. She smiled to herself and settled her friend against her, waiting for the tears to stop. When they did, Clair looked up into her eyes and gave her a smile that took her breath away and made her heart stop for a beat before it redoubled its pace.

'What in the world was that? I've never felt anything like that before...'

She didn't really have the time to wonder about it, because her friend leaned up and kissed the corner of her lips, just as she had in the arena. Nel wondered why she wasn't bothered in the slightest by the intimate gesture, but brushed it away, unwilling to analyze it in fear of what she might find. Clair herself was a little surprised by her own boldness, but she knew that the little kisses were the one little indulgence she could afford, and that Nel would allow, her one safe way of releasing some of the repressed emotion inside her soul.

"That was a beautiful thing to say, Nel. Thank you."

She blushed darkly, aware that this was the one person she had ever known who could embarrass her without half trying.

"It's the truth," she muttered, trying to hide her reaction.

Clair, being who she was, saw right through the mask she was trying to pull up and smiled up at her, a knowing light in her pale eyes. The spy's blush darkened, and her friend laughed softly. She tried to look annoyed, but was so glad to see Clair's spirits up that she couldn't manage it for more than a few seconds. Instead, she found herself laughing along with Clair, reveling in the release of the tension that had been coiled up in her guts for days.

"It's still a beautiful thing to say, Nel," Clair managed through her soft laughter, enjoying her companion's deep blush. It was a rare thing that something could embarrass the frank, outspoken Nel, and she was very amused by what could trigger it.

"Are you trying to embarrass me?" Nel muttered, still trying, and failing, to be irritated.

"Trying? No. I seem to be doing quite well, actually. I have no reason to try."

A laugh forced itself out of the redhead's lips, and she shook her head and tickled a spot on Clair's neck she knew from their childhood would make the taller woman jump and squeal. The runologist laughed and rolled so she was on top, her weariness forgotten in the face of Nel's smile and the building childish play. The energy between them was almost tangible as they rolled and laughed on the bed, trying to come out on top. One of the doctors came in to check on Clair and Nel, saw the tickle fight going on, and laughed under his breath, closing the door and telling anyone who might try to see the commander that she needed some time alone with her old friend. He knew that the therapy she was getting was far more effective than anything he or his colleagues could come up with. Finally, Clair managed to get on top again, pinning Nel down.

"Do you surrender, Nel?"

The Crimson Blade knew that if she wanted to, she could push Clair off. The gray-haired woman had her wrists pinned above her head, but she was stronger than Clair. She tensed slightly, then smiled, letting her body go limp. If it had been anyone else above her, she would have forced him or her off, but this was Clair.

'Of course, I would never let anyone else get this close to me, much less put me in such a vulnerable position. Clair, though... Clair is different. She would never take advantage of me the way others might.'

"Yes. You win."

Pale brown eyes widened, and the taller runologist gaped at her. Nel just lay back, enjoying the shock her surrender caused.

"Really?"

She nodded complacently. She was perfectly content right were she was, and saw no reason to move or fight her way out of the hold she was in. It had felt better than she could have imagined to just let go and play around with Clair again like they had as children. Nel was self-aware enough to know there was something in her that lived to see Clair happy, and that part of her was immensely pleased at the moment, even more than the rest of her. Warmth flooded her body where they touched, and she felt very loved and secure in that moment.

'How can someone so sweet and calm have so much power?'

She actually didn't care very much. It was enough for her to know that Clair would never betray or abuse the trust she evoked from Nel. The runologist, in the meantime, could see something going through Nel's sharp green eyes, but couldn't quite figure out what it was.

"What are you thinking about?" she asked, curious to hear what her friend would say.

Nel smiled faintly, finding herself surprisingly comfortable looking up at the woman who was still pinning her to the bed.

"You. I've never been one to let people restrain me, but with you I don't mind at all. I was wondering why I feel so comfortable with you when I wouldn't ever let anyone else get this close."

It was the commander's turn to blush, and the spy got as much pleasure out of it as Clair had. It was generally easier to embarrass the more reserved woman, but that didn't say much. She had a firm grip on her emotions, and she rarely let anything show that she didn't allow.

"Nel!"

She shrugged, trying, and failing, to hold back a grin.

"It's true."

She felt Clair's body start to tremble with the effort of staying upright and abruptly slipped her arms out of her grip, wrapping the freed limbs around her back and pulling her down with far more care than anyone watching might have expected.

"Rest, Clair. I'll stay with you for the night, but I have to tell Fayt and the others."

Before she could rise, the runologist embraced her tightly and refused to let go, traces of the dark fear in her light brown eyes.

"Nel... don't leave me..."

"Clair," Nel replied softly, gently rubbing her friend's back, "I need to tell the others what's happening. There are a lot of dangerous things going on right now, and we have to fight to protect everyone. I don't want them waiting up for me if the situation is more desperate than we thought. I won't leave with them if they need to go today, but if they'll wait a while, I'm going to have to. I already promised you I'd come home, didn't I?"

"Nel..."

A knock on the door brought the redhead's gaze up, but Clair's eyes were closed, her head resting on a suddenly tense shoulder.

"Yes?"

The older doctor stepped in, smiling in a knowing manner that might have irritated Nel if she weren't so distracted.

"Master Fayt gave me a message for you. His friend Sophia apparently needs some time to rest from the ordeals you all shared, and plans on staying here for the rest of the day. He also said that he'd like to go to Aquios tomorrow, and has some business there that may take up to a few days. He apologizes for any inconvenience this may cause."

The redhead smiled to herself, shaking her head and wrapping an arm around her companion.

"That's perfect. Tell Fayt that I'll be staying here tonight, and that if he needs to speak with me, I'll be attending Clair."

"Very good, ma'am."

She left with a quick salute, leaving the two women in peace.

"That's good to know. You see, everything turned out fine."

Clair nodded, tangling herself around Nel when she laid back down. The Crimson Blade smiled to herself, watching her drift into sleep.

"I'll guard you this night, Clair, and I promise you, no matter what happens, I'll always find a way to come back to you."

The Shield Legion commander smiled, pressing her lips into Nel's neck in a semiconscious daze.

"Thank you, my love."

Nel smiled at the ease with which those last two words came to her friend and settled both herself and her friend as comfortable as possible, watching for any signs of shadows in the gentle face. She wouldn't allow any more nightmares to come through, at least not for this night.

"I'll protect you, my dear friend. No matter what, I will protect your world, your home, and in doing so, I protect everything I hold dear."


	8. Clair's Heart

Disclaimers: Don't own the rights. Broke. Don't sue.

Okay, I wanted to apologize for the last chapter. I tried really hard, but I couldn't quite get it to work the way I wanted it to. Instead of creating an entirely new chapter as I had initially planned, this, for the most part, anyway, will be a way for me to show Clair's perspective through the days after Nel's 'death,' and Nel's reactions to her pain. One of my reviewers asked me to do something like this, and I realized it was a really good idea. I had kind of wanted to anyway. So here goes. Of course, there will be some new stuff, but some of it will sound familiar. Just a warning for you all. Due to the nature of it, this chapter will be a slightly shorter one. I might be taking some things slightly out of canon, but not much. Not really anything we can't all pretend the game just didn't show and all that. After all, that's what this story is.

Again, if you want anything expanded on in any chapter, let me know. I do pay attention, you know. Whether or not you want something expanded on or added, please review. The more reviews I get, the more likely I am to get new chapters out in a timely manner. Reviews are the nectar of life (or something like that) to a struggling writer. Help me out here.

Also, I've said this before, but if you want me to do any other fandoms, my profile has a list of pairings I have some interest in working on. If you have any suggestions that aren't on that list, give me those too, either by review or e-mail. And if you or someone you know, or know of, has written a story about any of those pairings, please let me know. I'd love to read them.

**Two Soldiers: Fire and Ice**

**Chapter 8: Clair's Heart - The Agony of Loss, The Joys of Life**

Nel watched her friend pick at her breakfast, seeing the lingering pain and sadness in her weary face. Even after a full night of rest, she looked exhausted, thin, tense, and sunken. Her shoulders were slumped, and her hair unkempt. Her pale eyes were haunted, carrying shadows that refused to fade. Those eyes almost never left her face, and there was always some contact between them. She had held Clair all night, waking her as nightmares struck at her mind. She screamed as she awoke, her name coming in a torn rasp. The redhead didn't know what to do. She had held the woman as she cried, rocking her gently, whispering promises and reassurances in her ear. Clair had finally settled into an uneasy sleep, and had awoken late that morning. They had had breakfast brought up to the room, and Nel had invited her back into her lap, seeing the almost desperate pain in the ashen face when they were apart. After seeing her playing last night, this was almost too much, but she remembered the pain and fear that had crossed her face when she had been about to leave, and realized that, at least in part, it had been an act for her benefit, and likely denial as well.

'I'm so frightened for her. It can't be safe for her to care for me so much when I live as dangerous a life as I do. Of course, she's right that I'm reckless. I still don't know if I can change who I am, even for her. She didn't ask me to do that, but for her sake I might have to.'

She sighed to herself, holding the Shield Legion commander a little more tightly. There was something she had to ask, but she wasn't sure if now was the right time. She wasn't sure if there'd ever be a right time, though.

'Maybe if she tells me what happened, I can figure out how I can help her.'

Clair, she was rapidly coming to realize, meant everything to her. She didn't know why she hadn't figured that out before. As children, hers was the only approval she had ever needed, and as they'd grown up, they had only become closer and closer. Clair had been there for her when her father died, had stuck with her through everything and anything that had happened, and even as she shut herself off from her emotions, and from others, she had never shut her out. She had never been willing to depend on anyone, but Clair had a way of getting past every defense she had, not by forcing, but by subtle, caring touches and words.

'I owe it to her to try. And I think she needs to talk about what happened. Otherwise it'll haunt her forever...'

"Clair?" she started, breaking their shared silence.

"You want to know what happened, don't you?" The gray haired woman asked tiredly. It wasn't really a question.

"Yes. I don't know if it's the right time for this, but I can see how hurt you are, even now. I..."

She paused, trying to find the words.

"I... I can't stand seeing you in so much pain, Clair," she said softly, letting herself speak from the heart, "I don't know how to make it better, and I feel so horrible that I hurt you so badly. I was foolish, reckless, everything you keep telling me not to be and do. I saw you there, after I was... after I was shot. I saw your face. What happened? Please, I... I just want everything to be okay again. I want to see you smile like you used to. Please, Clair... just tell me. Let go. I need you back the way you were before all this."

The gray-haired woman looked up, surprised to hear so much desperation and pain in her companion's voice. Just thinking of the days after Nel's 'death' made her want to cry and curl up in bed, losing herself in the numbness she had been buried in before the redhead's return. She fought the impulse back, unwilling to make the lost look in her beloved's eyes into the helpless despair she'd seen when she'd been drawn out of her stupor.

'Nel has been so strong for me. I owe her the same. I won't let myself be weak and afraid. It's the past now.'

Pale brown eyes flashed, and Clair's lean body straightened. Nel could almost feel the strength rushing through the form in her arms, and she was relieved by it. This was the Clair she had known all her life, the person who could stand against anything and come out fighting, the woman who had sweet, gentle eyes, a soft demeanor, but a heart, soul, and will of the best tempered steel.

"Clair..."

An emotion she had never felt before rushed through her, speeding up her heart. The blood rushing through her veins warmed her entire body, and she almost gasped at the sheer intensity of hit.

'What is this?'

Her arms brought her dear friend closer of their own accord, giving and taking strength from the embrace.

"Are you ready?"

Clair nodded, leaning into the strong body. She could feel the heat radiating from Nel, and saw how her green eyes darkened. She could also see the confusion, and couldn't help but smile to herself. At another time, she might have teased her old friend, but this was now.

"By the time I got off the wall, you and the others were gone. All I found were two puddles of blood, one of which I knew was yours. I think... I think something in me died then. I lost myself."

(**Flashback**)

"**NOOOO!**"

All she could smell was blood. She could taste it where it dripped off her hands, and it was all she could see. That blood held a truth that was as irrevocable as it was painful. Nel Zelpher, the reason she lived, everything that made her life worth living, no matter how terrible it was, had died. A strong, vital woman who had saved countless lives, had done things no other person could dream of, had killed many men, but never without regret, was gone.

"Nel..."

The name went over and over in her mind. Images of the beautiful spy took away every thought she might have managed through the agony that was coursing through her, memories of times spent together, both good and bad, and time spent watching her while she trained, talked to her subordinates, or just sitting, cleaning and sharpening her weapons. She didn't know how long she'd been in love with her friend, but she had always been completely fascinated by her.

'She's gone. They took her away from me... they stole my life... my Nel...'

The pain as the thought finally processed fully shattered every defense she had left, and she blacked out, her mind shutting down completely in favor of empty blackness. Her mind swam into focus to find that she was in the Granah Hills, most of the way to Kirlsa. She could still taste the blood in her mouth, and she could feel the dried, stiff hardness of it on her face. As soon as she was reminded of its source, her vision swam, and her mind blanked out again. When she once again became aware, she was at the gates of Arias, the runologist in charge of guarding it running towards her. This time, some of the blood on her was her own. She could feel it drying in her hair, but didn't care. Nothing mattered anymore.

"Lady Clair! By the gods, Lady Clair! What happened!"

"There are no gods," she muttered, not caring if the woman heard her or not, pushing past her, "No gods. No light."

She staggered into the mansion, ignoring anyone who called to her, anyone who tried to get her attention. Clair got herself up the stairs and looked around at the doors, then chose her own. They had slept there night before, and she could still smell Nel on her pillows and blankets. It was the closest she would ever have to holding Nel in her arms again.

'My love... my dear Nel...'

She collapsed into bed, cradling the pillow her friend had rested on close to her face. She inhaled deeply, longing with all her being to be surrounded by Nel's strong arms, to be able to lay with her head in her lap while the Crimson Blade stroked her hair, or to just sit next to her and talk as she sharpened her blades or fixed some piece of equipment or another.

'Never again...'

She felt the darkness coming again, but could summon neither the energy nor the desire to fight it. In the darkness she was safe. She didn't have to think, didn't have to remember. She didn't even have to live. All she had to do was stay, and reality no longer existed. Nel wouldn't be dead. She wouldn't be alone.

'Rest in peace, my beloved. Maybe I'll see you again someday.'

Her awareness fell away, her last thoughts of red. Red blood, red lips, and soft red hair.

(**Flashback**)

"I don't remember more than tiny flashes after that. I didn't want to think, didn't want to feel. I wanted to die, Nel. I wanted to end the suffering, the agony. The only thing I could do was turn my mind off. Just... not feel, not think, not live."

Nel felt tears running down her cheeks and cradled Clair to her, burying her head in the soft, pale shoulder.

"Gods, Clair, I'm so sorry!"

Clair shook her head slightly, leaning her own heavy head on top of Nel's, feeling the touch of her short, silky red hair against her cheek.

"Please, don't apologize. I don't want you to feel guilty about what happened, Nel. It's over, and you're back with me. That's all that matters."

The redhead looked up, her eyes dark, her features stricken.

"It's not! You woke up screaming last night, Clair! I can see how much this hurt you, and it was my own damned fault! I should know better by now, but no, I had to go and be a fool!"

The commander shook her head, surprised by the intensity of her friend's emotions, her guilt, specifically.

"You promised to try to be more careful, Nel."

Clair could feel herself shutting herself off from her emotions in favor of comforting her guilt-ridden friend, but the spy shook her head, not letting her take that road out. Nel could see how her old friend was struggling to push her feelings aside, and she knew that wouldn't help anything in the long run. She reached over, taking the plate of now cold food out of her hands and setting it aside. That done, the Secret Legion leader leaned back and turned over so the taller woman was on her back and she was looking down at her, one arm still wrapped tightly around her waist.

"Clair, I know you better than anyone, just like you know me. I can see what you're doing, and I won't let you."

"What am I doing, Nel?" the gray haired woman asked, trying to pretend she didn't know.

"We both know exactly what I'm talking about. You're trying to ignore everything you feel to comfort me. I won't let you. You have to feel, Clair. If you don't, everything becomes bottled up inside until it bursts. I know. You were the one who told me that, my friend, a long time ago. You were right. Now it's my turn. I can't allow you to shut down on me. I don't want to ever see you the way you were when I came in yesterday. You didn't recognize me at all, didn't believe me when I told you who I was. Then your face was so haunted. It still is. I want to help you get through that. I want to help you face what happened and get past it like you've done for me so many times. Please let me."

The runologist sighed softly, feeling the sting of tears in her eyes from Nel's impassioned speech, and the pain that was always threatening at the edge of her awareness now.

"I don't know if I'm strong enough for this, Nel," she admitted softly, "Losing you broke something inside me. I don't know that I can face that. I'm afraid I'll lose the rest of myself in it again. I don't... I don't want you to think me weak."

"Clair," Nel whispered, running one hand along a messy gray tail before gently cupping a warm, pale cheek, "you're the strongest woman, the strongest person, I've ever known. Gods know I've depended on that strength to keep me sane more than once. I find it hard to believe you could ever think yourself weak." When Clair started to interrupt, she shook her head. "No matter what happens, Clair, I would never be able to see you as weak. In some ways, you're far stronger than I am. All our lives, you've been the equal of every challenge that's risen against you. You'll defeat this one too. And I'll be right here to catch you if you stumble on the way. I swear to all the gods I will."

The taller woman sighed again, fighting to keep herself under control. She wanted nothing more than to just let go, but something held her back.

'Even with her help, can I hold onto my sanity if I let myself remember? I was swallowed by pain over those days. I didn't know anything, not even who I was. Can I risk going through all that again? And... and I'm so afraid that if the memories start, I won't be able to stop them. I've heard of flashbacks, of the trauma they can cause, from soldiers and others who've seen too much. This... that day was far beyond 'too much' for me. I've heard of people being broken by memories such as these. Do I dare to risk my mind, my being?'

She closed her pale eyes and turned her head away from the compelling eyes above her, fighting for clarity of thought.

'But the stories I've heard of those who repress their memories is worse. Sometimes it's years before they remember again, but those are the people who often die by their own hand from the sheer intensity of it. I can just imagine what would happen to me if I tried to bury those images, and they came up again later. Nel knows as well as I do what repressed memories can do to others. She's seen far more of it in the soldiers she's served with than I. She's always been in the thick of things, and I know some of what she's seen was enough to give even her nightmares.'

Her eyes snapped open, and her head turned so fast she was surprised she didn't get whiplash. Nel's green eyes were concerned and haunted, and she wondered if maybe her friend was thinking along the same lines she herself was.

'That's fairly likely. She knows me as I do her, and I know her as I know myself, if not better. She has to know I would try to block the pain rather than feel it in a situation like this.'

The redhead tilted her head, surprised by the sudden motion, and the odd expression on Clair's face. It was obvious to her that her companion's mind was working rapidly, and she couldn't help wondering what was causing her to look so serious and introspective. She was loath to break whatever train of thought she was caught in, but watching her, she was getting an idea of what she might be thinking about.

'She's probably remembering the soldiers who lost themselves in the past, and killed themselves. I'll bet she's wondering if she would lose herself in the same way.'

Her mind rejected the thought as utterly ridiculous.

'Clair would never fall that far. She's too strong, both in mind and will. And even if she did start to slip down that path, I would catch her.'

A small smile worked its way onto her face, and she tightened her grip on the runologist.

"Clair," she started, dropping her voice into a gentle, persuasive tone she used when talking to a traumatized soldier and waiting for the pale eyes to focus on her own so she could convey the confidence and warmth she felt, "I know what you're thinking, but that would never happen to you. Even if, and this is a very big if, your will wasn't enough to hold you in the present, I would never let you get lost in the memories. That's the very reason I want you to face them now, and not later. I'm here now, and I can help you, hold you here. If you bury them as the soldiers I think you're remembering did, when they reemerge, I might not be. I know the pain is raw now, and the scars still fresh, but the only way they'll heal is if you talk to me. I promise you, I'll hold you as long as you need me to. I'll keep reminding you I'm alive, that you didn't lose anything that day."

Clair looked like she was wavering, and she knew she had the advantage. If she could just find the right words to break through that wall of uncertainty and doubt, she could get her old friend to let go, to feel. She hoped it would be enough. Her experience with traumatized soldiers who had watched friends, and sometimes lovers, die did nothing to prepare her for this. To see Clair afraid and lost was almost more than she could bear.

"Please. I would hate to see the damage you could do to your mind by ignoring this. I want you to stay who you are, the kind, gentle, caring friend I've depended on all these years."

Seeing a crack in her friend's walls, she went for it, knowing what she was doing could be considered unfair, but she knew it was for the best, for both of them. She let all her emotions show, the desperation, the warmth, the concern, the pain, all of it, and her voice was flooded with feeling and need.

"If you won't do it for yourself, do it for me. I need you, Clair. I need to know you'll be here when I get back from missions, that you'll smile and be yourself. It's what keeps me going through all of the chaos and pain. I've promised to try to be careful, but I can't imagine I'd be able to keep fighting knowing that you weren't here, that you had lost yourself because of my stupidity. Please, just let go. I need you to almost as much as you need to for yourself."

Clair felt her eyes widening and her defenses crumble. This was Nel's heart she was seeing, not the front she usually presented. Everything she felt was right there for her to read, an openness and vulnerability she'd seen only once or twice since her friend's father had died. Her voice was thick with pain and other emotions she could barely recognize, her eyes a storm of desperate fear and need. Anything she could have said would be insufficient in the face of that, and she knew it.

'I'm going to have to face this, aren't I? For her sake, if not my own. I'll have to trust her to protect me, to protect my sanity. But of course, when have I not trusted her?'

She felt the walls around her mind and heart falling away, and this time she didn't fight it. A deluge of fear, agony, despair, and memory hit her, almost sweeping her away. She grasped Nel's arm just below her short sleeve, the strong, muscular warmth of it anchoring her for the moment.

"Oh, Nel... I don't... I don't know what to feel, what to think. I don't want to lose myself, and I don't want to lose you. Please... help me..."

Nel saw the walls drop and the storm break free of its restraints. When Clair grasped at her arm, she could see the confusion, the chaos that threatened to overwhelm the commander in her pale eyes. When she spoke, her words were almost unintelligible, broken by the intense waves of memory and pain. She gently rolled them both onto their sides, holding her friend as closely as physically possible, feeling the tremors and sobs that racked the thin body intensify.

"I've got you, my dear friend," she whispered, not knowing or caring if she was being understood. What mattered was the connection between them, forged by both contact and speech. Clair needed to know she was there, and she would do anything she could to keep her in the present. "Let it all out, Clair. I've got you. I'm not letting go. Hold on to me. I'll keep you safe."

The lean form tangled itself around her own, this embrace even more desperate than the one the day before. Unlike that one, this was days' worth of agony that had been denied, not an initial shock. The emotions buried under the catatonic state Clair had put herself in were rushing to the surface, and she was afraid that she'd be buried by it, despite her own presence and her friend's strength. Unable to do anything but wait, whispering words of reassurance and strength as she held onto her sobbing friend, Nel cried herself. She cried for herself, for Clair, and for the pain and grief she had felt and caused. She pressed her lips to the pale forehead, then leaned down and kissed the seemingly endless rivers of tears that came from bloodshot brown eyes, tracing them to their source. Again and again she repeated the process, even as her own tears mingled with Clair's and her own body shook. She didn't know why she did it, and in that timeless span, she didn't care. All she knew was that Clair was in pain; all she cared about was healing it.

'I don't care what it takes,' she found herself thinking, 'I will not lose Clair, not to this, not to anything. I'll live so she will. I'll defeat the damn Creator myself if I have to, even if it means leaving her for a while. He's threatened the entire galaxy, a scope I don't understand, but I do know that means that my world, her world, is in danger. I won't let him or his demons touch her. I'll kill him, then I'll come back and hold her and do anything and everything I can to make her life a happy, peaceful one.'

As she thought about it in a corner of her mind, she realized something she'd always known. She fought to protect Aquaria and her people, yes, but the real reason for that was because when she fought, Clair didn't have to. When she won, her friend didn't have to risk her own life. And as she was yet again called to service, she answered not for herself or others, but for Clair's sake.

'I don't know what it is inside me that drives me to protect you above all else, Clair, but I don't care. As long as I live, I'll give everything I have to keep you safe. The Creator, the Vendeeni, anything that would harm you or your home, will have to come through me. And if your life depends on mine, I'll see to it that I come out fighting every single time.'

Eventually, both women rallied. The outpouring of emotion had left its mark on both of them, opening wounds that had only just started to close, but at the same time taking those wounds and cleaning them out, the festering things hidden within them washed away by tears. Clair felt the weight of days of grief lift, and while she knew it wasn't gone, and that her spirit was still raw and beaten, she could feel her will reasserting itself, allowing her to think clearly at last. Nel's face was tear-streaked too, and that reassured her. If the strong, contained Nel could let loose, surely she could too. What surprised her far more than those tears was watching as her friend bowed her head and kissed her lingering tears away, one hand stroking her face and hair while the other held her tightly.

"Nel..."

Her voice was a thick, dry rasp, but green eyes rose to meet hers, still completely open to her despite the redness and tears that made tracks down the round face.

"Clair, are you okay?"

The pale woman smiled gently. Nel's voice was almost as thick as her own, and she was warmed to the core by the realization that her friend had been so moved by her pain that she had cried too. It was so strange to see Nel cry, but this time she knew those tears, like her own, were the best salve for the wounds they both carried.

"I will be, Nel. Eventually. You were right, you know. It helped to let go."

Her old friend smiled back at her.

"Of course it did. You're the one who always tells me nothing comes of holding everything inside."

Clair laughed softly, the warmth surrounding her giving her a sense of peace and security she hadn't realized she could feel after losing Nel. Her face tingled along the trail the soft lips had taken while following her tears, and the moment was at once strange and painfully pleasant. That the redhead had so obviously grieved with her, her haunted green eyes wet and bloodshot, the guilt and agony so clear in the vulnerable features when she looked up at her somehow comforting beyond what anything else could ever be. It gave her courage and strength to know that someone cared for her that deeply, and she loved Nel all the more for it.

"Nel," she whispered, knowing this moment of openness might be her one chance to ask, "What happened?"

The wet green eyes blinked, obviously confused.

"You know what happened. I told you."

"No," she corrected gently, "after that. While you were at that place called Moonbase and wherever you went after that. Your eyes haven't been the same since you got back."

Nel smiled faintly, touched that even though she had, and still was, in so much pain, she'd noticed that something wasn't right with her. When she commented on it, she got a warm grin.

"In case you haven't noticed, Nel, I always know when something's bothering you. That's what best friends are for."

"But you're more than that."

The words came without thought, and they surprised both women. Nel hadn't even realized she had been thinking that until the words were out. She thought about and realized that it was true. Clair was more than a friend, but...

'What is she then? Something about our relationship seems to go beyond a normal friendship, and even "best friend" status. Besides, what do you call your best friend when she admits to being in love with you?'

The entire line of thought was confusing her to no end, but she couldn't seem to stop wondering about it. She certainly felt more for and with Clair than she ever had anyone else, but what had triggered that particular comment eluded her. There was... something, a thought, a feeling, in the back of her mind, something she didn't understand, something she wasn't willing to dig up, but without that something, she couldn't define what she felt for her companion.

'Do I really need a label to define what Clair is to me?' she asked herself, and immediately got the answer back. 'No, I don't. Clair is Clair. That's enough for me, for now.'

Clair, for her part, was almost as confused as Nel. For a moment she felt a faint hope that maybe it meant that the redhead felt as she did, than shook it off.

'Nel has already said she doesn't love me. She made that quite clear. But... what did she mean that I'm more than her best friend?'

"Nel? What do you mean I'm more than that?"

The still emotion-laden green eyes, which had been distant and thoughtful, focused sharply on her face, confusion evident in their depths.

"I don't know. I don't have a word for it. All I'm certain of is that you mean more to me than anyone ever has, and what I feel has no name I know of. You're you, Clair, and what you are to me goes beyond labels and words."

The pale, milky skin reddened deeply into a bright blush, and Nel laughed, her dry, sore throat feeling eased by the sound. The pleasure Clair felt in response to what she'd said was obvious, and it was equally obvious that she was very embarrassed.

"Come on, Clair. We need to get cleaned up. I'm supposed to be leaving for Aquios today, remember?"

The gray-haired woman had actually forgotten. The joy of being held like this had chased away all thoughts of the outside world, and she wasn't sure she cared to remember anyway.

"You never answered my question, Nel..." she said slowly, stalling for time to think and get the rush of fear at the thought of being separated from her friend under control.

"Which one? Ah, about what happened."

The spy looked thoughtfully off into the distance, wondering what the best plan was. Despite her friend's efforts, she had felt the body go a bit rigid at the mention of her leaving. Clair still had demons that hadn't been exorcised yet, and if she was honest with herself, she didn't want to leave the runologist anymore than she wanted Nel to leave.

'Maybe... I'm sure Fayt wouldn't mind. And it is a long story. I don't think I could really get through it before we had to leave, and I don't want to give her the condensed version.'

As she was thinking, only a small part of her unconscious mind noticed that she hadn't even considered withholding the story. As confusing and unbelievable as it might be, she thought Clair deserved to know, and besides, this was her. She could no more say no to the request than forget everything that she'd learned. Instead, her mind focused on putting the events into a cohesive form that made some kind of sense.

"Clair," she started slowly, part of her wondering if her friend was even physically fit for what she was about to suggest, "come with me... with us, to Aquios. I'll explain everything, but I don't want to leave anything out because I was rushing. And... and I just want to spend some more time with you. I just got back, and I've missed you."

The last two sentences had come out in a rush, and her expression was almost shy. The Shield Legion commander found it endearing, and her small smile widened. She liked the suggestion very much, but she didn't want to be a burden for Nel and the others, which she knew was likely given how she was feeling physically.

"I'd love to come with you, Nel, but I wouldn't want to slow you and the others down. I'm still very tired, and I got the impression that whatever you all are doing is very important."

Nel shook her head, hearing the sadness and disappointment in the soft voice.

"You wouldn't be slowing us down, and I wouldn't care if you did. Fayt's friend Sophia is unaccustomed to battle, and we'll be traveling more slowly than usual. All of us have been through quite a bit. I doubt Fayt and Maria would be willing to rush things, even if Cliff and Mirage might."

Clair chuckled softly, amused by her friend's sudden enthusiasm for the idea, but confused by the mention of some of the names,

"Who are Mirage, Sophia, and Maria?"

As she asked, she remembered who one of them was.

"Wait, Maria is the blue haired woman who was with you when you went to Airyglyph Castle to get Albel, and also at the... the Arena, right?"

Nel smiled and nodded.

"Yes, she is. A formidable leader, despite what I first thought of her. Mirage is a friend of Cliff's. She's like him in some ways. She's stronger than average and has a similar technique in combat, if slightly more refined. She's aggressive and sometimes impatient, but otherwise calm and thoughtful. She balances Cliff's tendency to rush into things fairly effectively."

The spy chose to ignore the look she was getting from her friend for that comment. She was well aware of her own reckless tendencies, and what they could cause.

"Sophia is a close friend of Fayt's, apparently. She was also at the Arena. She was injured then, but she's a skilled user of what they call 'symbology,' which is similar to our runology. She's not a warrior, I think, but she's grown a little since... well, after what we saw, all of us did some growing, I think."

She held off the obvious next question with a shake of her head.

"So, will you come with us?"

Clair nodded slowly. She didn't like the idea of burdening her friend, but she was almost desperate to find out what had happened to Nel and the others now.

"Even if I have to crawl after you, I'll be there."

Nel had started to loosen her arms, but she stopped, her face becoming suddenly serious.

"Clair, I would never let you do that. If you can't walk, I'll carry you. Or, if you're really worried about it, you could just stay here and rest."

The runologist smiled, the image of falling and being held and carried in strong, warm arms was sweet and pleasant. She had no doubt the other woman could easily bear her weight. Of course, she had no doubt there wasn't much Nel couldn't do when she was determined.

"That's very sweet of you, Nel. Thank you. I wouldn't miss this story for all the world."

The Secret Legion leader grinned broadly and gently untangled herself from Clair's long body, bringing her up with her.

"Come on, then. Let's get washed and changed so we can go. The sooner we leave, the sooner I can start the story. Besides, the others can probably help. A lot happened that I didn't understand."

Clair nodded, surprised to find herself being carried to the washroom, but not displeased. Instead, she smiled and chuckled to herself. There was no place she felt as wonderful as she did when she was wrapped up in Nel's arms. And her friend was right, she knew. The sooner they left, the sooner the story started. Of course, that also meant that they might wash together, and that thought did nothing but improve her rising good mood. Her face was still feeling the fiery tracks Nel's lips had made, and having her close was all she wanted right now.

'She may not love me, but she cares for me more than anyone ever has. For now, I think that's enough.'


	9. Nel's Heart: What She Left Behind

Disclaimers: I don't own the rights. I don't have money. Don't sue me.

So, we've got Clair's feelings, but what about Nel? This chapter is dedicated to her. This chapter was really difficult to write, even though I finished it within a week or so of the last one. During the game, Nel is the more expressive of the two, but for some reason it's a lot easier for me to write emotional stuff for Clair. Essentially every time you see her, she's rock solid, and Nel is the one who gets angry or upset, but you don't really see Nel hurt, sad or regretful much, if at all. Bear with me. I'm doing my best.

Oh, and one other thing. Clair is not going to travel with them all through 4-D space. That'd be bending the rules a little too much. I made a very small change in the last chapter to clarify that in case anyone was confused.

Once again, please review, and let me know if you want anything expanded on or added. I do read the reviews I get, and I willingly accept suggestions, and try to follow up on them. Also, my profile has a list of pairings I want to write and read about. Please let me know if you're interested in seeing me do any of them, or if you or someone else you know of has a story about that couple.

**Two Soldiers: Fire and Ice**

Chapter 9: Nel's Heart - What She Left Behind 

Clair and Nel sat in the conference room, waiting for Fayt to come tell them he was ready to leave. The taller woman was looking over reports she had neglected in her catatonic state as she paced near a window, occasionally commenting on something or other to her friend. The redhead watched her, leaning back in her chair. She couldn't help the guilt she still felt, anymore than she could the longing to have the gray-haired commander back in her arms. Several times now, she had caught Clair just watching her, her pale brown eyes gentle but sad, the pain and grief still clearly visible to her.

'If only I could take back what I did. We were happy before that day, as happy as I've ever known either of us to be. I have a tendency to brood and Clair is always so pensive. What a pair we make. But she was smiling more, and I...'

She sighed to herself, her eyes tracing the familiar form. She had washed and retied Clair's thick hair for her, enjoying the obvious pleasure her friend had gotten from it, and had personally pressed her uniform. That had been very amusing to the runologist, who had just lain in bed as she had directed her and laughed. She'd been wearing nothing but a towel, and Nel had found herself wanting to see and touch the milky skin that was so close. She'd tried to fight it, but after finishing with the uniform, she'd gone over to the bed and pulled her friend close, feeling the faint tremor that went through her at the contact. Nel had explained it away, but part of her mind still nagged at her. At the time, she'd convinced herself that it was because she'd seen some fresh scars standing out against the pale flesh, but now she wasn't sure.

'I don't want to think about this. I do wonder where those scars came from, though. She said she'd been bleeding when she came back from the Arena. She didn't ever say how she'd gotten hurt though.'

The redhead shook her head. She doubted Clair even knew if she hadn't said. The guilt redoubled, and she sighed again. Her eyes traced the lean figure again, staying on her even when she heard familiar footsteps approaching.

"Hello, Nel."

Fayt stood just behind her chair, watching her face. The gentle cast of her features surprised him, and he doubted she was even aware of how expressive she was being right now. Her eyes were fixed on Lady Clair's pacing form, her expression compassionate and infinitely more caring and gentle than he had ever seen. The swordsman didn't think anyone had ever had that particular look directed at them by Nel, and found himself wondering just how deep the relationship between the two women went. When Lady Clair looked up from her reports, she directed a small smile at him, then a sweet, loving look at Nel that made a blush crawl up his face just watching. The warm smile that was sent back caused more questions, but he knew the redhead well enough to know not to ask.

"How is she?"

He'd heard about the commander's catatonic state from one of the runologists when he'd come to tell Nel they were going to stay for the day, and he'd been worried. He liked the gentle, kind natured woman who in many ways seemed Nel's opposite, but at the same time her equal, her balance. Fayt had also been worried about Nel, and watching her now, was very happy that the other woman had recovered, no doubt with some help from the redheaded spy. He doubted Nel would be the same if she lost her friend.

"She'll be fine, I think. Actually, she's going to travel with us to Aquios, if you don't mind. I think she'll be better off close to me for a little while."

Fayt just nodded when the green eyes glanced his way, flashing a teasing smile.

"Of course, Nel. Wouldn't want to break you two up. After all, you're so much nicer when she's around."

She gave him a threatening look as she stood up, striding over to Clair.

"You ready?"

The pale woman smiled slightly, but there was a hint of uncertainty in her face.

"Are you sure about this, Nel? I really don't want to slow you down."

The Crimson Blade shook her head, her world shrinking until it included only herself and her friend. Her hand came up, lightly touching a soft cheek before she could stop it.

"I'm sure. Please, Clair. I want you with me, with us. Just come with us."

When the uncertainty didn't fade, she took a step closer, her mind wondering where this sudden tendency toward physical contact came from before she turned her thoughts from it, uncomfortable with the questions that triggered.

"I told you, Clair. I'll carry you if I have to."

That got a laugh out of the runologist, which made her chuckle in turn.

"And you still owe me that story," Clair reminded her, "I wouldn't want to miss out on this trip. Otherwise you might decide to just not tell me, and that would be a pity."

Nel laughed, feeling a smooth hand slip into her calloused one, closing around it with that strength that no one ever expected the thin, regal Clair to have. She ignored Fayt's knowing smirk as they approached, deciding not to call him on it. She wasn't ready to face whatever it was that was hiding in her mind. Her emotions had driven her to almost shatter Clair's spirit, and by extension, her own. She had no interest in risking anything like that again.

"Let's just go, please?"

The blue haired boy nodded, letting it go because it was obvious that Nel couldn't deal with whatever was going on.

"No problem. The others are waiting outside."

The two women followed his lead outside, ignoring the strange looks from the rest of the group. Fayt handled the introductions, then they were off, heading into the Palmira Plains and the path to Peterny. Letting the others get a little ahead of them, only coming up if a fight started and she was needed, Nel hung back with Clair, wondering just where to start her story. The other woman didn't push, seeing her need to put things in order in her mind first.

"Just before I was shot," she started finally, "I saw you up on the wall. I had been searching for you, in case you were in danger. I saw your face, Clair, and it was about to shatter. I was so scared for you, but I could do nothing. I was dying."

(**Flashback**)

"Clair... I'm so sorry..."

Darkness overwhelmed her, and she sunk into it almost gratefully. Her body burned from the fire spreading from her wound, and her mind and spirit threatened to break from the image of Clair's face. As the last of her consciousness faded away, she had the strength for only one thought.

'Clair... don't give up... may the gods protect you now that I can't...'

When she awoke, she found herself in a place like none she had ever seen before. Strange devices were everywhere, and Nel found herself almost overwhelmed by the various noises they emitted. She didn't know how she'd gotten there, and started to push herself up to examine her surroundings. A burst of pain erupted from her side when she moved, and she gasped sharply. The redhead started to remember what had happened, and she collapsed limply on the bed as the memories rushed through her.

'By the grace of Apris... where am I? Am I dead? It doesn't feel like it...'

A young woman suddenly rushed into view, and she looked over in time to see the door slide closed. She wasn't completely unaccustomed to entrances sliding open and closed, but that generally required a hand or runology guiding it. This door seemed to have neither. The woman who had come in did something with one of the devices near her bed, then turned, smiling brightly.

"So, you're awake. Stay still for a few moments. I haven't had time to fully heal that wound of yours. I've been tending the man your friends brought in with you."

Nel blinked, surprised. The newcomer was apparently a doctor, but she couldn't tell what she was doing. In fact, she found that she had no idea what the woman was doing, and that made her uncomfortable. Instead of just sitting there, she decided to start trying to figure out just what was going on.

"So, I'm assuming I'm still alive."

The doctor looked over at her and smiled again after giving her a brief, surprised look.

"You most certainly are, Miss Zelpher. The captain and the others got you here just in time. Any longer and you would have been like the poor man in the next room."

Nel blinked again, trying to concentrate long enough to get her scattered memories in some kind of order. Slowly, she was able to focus, and she gasped again, but this time it wasn't due to pain. She saw everything, the Vendeeni, Fayt and the others, fighting through the training facility to find Clair, watching from the battlements, jumping down, Clair's face, getting shot, and Clair again.

"No..."

Her voice came out in an agonized whisper as she remembered that last. Clair had seen her get shot, and likely assumed she was dead. Her initial reaction to the realization was to bolt out of bed and get home to Clair, but the pain and the doctor's hand stopped her, and, only seconds later, her guilt froze her.

'How can I go home after what I did? How can I ever look Clair in the eye again? I hurt her so much, and I just keep doing it. She deserves so much better than me and my stupidity.'

(**Flashback**)

Clair gripped her arm in a strong grasp, bringing her around to look into the sharp, pale brown eyes. The expression in them wasn't the anger she half expected, but there was concern and reproach there, along with pained understanding.

"You honestly thought that, Nel?"

It was a rhetorical question, and they both knew it. Nel wouldn't have said it if that wasn't true, but the commander had to see what was going on behind the green eyes she knew almost better than her own.

"Clair, I saw your face. I saw how much what I'd done, what it lead to, hurt you. I hated knowing that I could cause you so much pain. That was... that was one of the reasons I was so confused before. I didn't know what to do with my ability to cause you pain."

The runologist sighed, her eyes sad. It hurt to see Nel so obviously guilty and unsure. It was disturbing for her not to be confident to the point of arrogance, for her to carry herself with a visible slump. Nel always walked upright, and her stance was always balanced and ready. Right now she was clearly miserable, her body heavy and her face drawn.

"Nel, it's okay," she said softly, wrapping her arm around the warrior's waist, hoping to reassure her, "I understand, Nel. I'm just worried about you. I don't want you to think things like that."

The redhead sighed, wrapping her own arm around the thin shoulders and squeezing gently. It was comforting to have the reality of Clair's love there with her. Her eyes told the entire story for her, and it eased some of her guilt, but not all of it by any means. She could still see signs of the damage she'd caused in the shadows in the too-pale face, and the thinness in the tired form.

"Nel?"

The spy looked up, meeting Fayt's green eyes. He was standing at the entrance gates of Peterny, one hand on his hip, the other at his side. His mouth was trying, and failing, not to quirk up into a smirk. She ignored him, walking into the town. He caught her arm as she passed, and she turned her head, giving him a curious look, just keeping herself from reflexively pushing him away.

"What is it?"

"We're going to take a break here for a little while. I'm worried about Sophia."

Nel nodded slowly, her eyes tracking to Clair.

"That's fine. I'm worried about Clair, too. I think my friend here is taking more from herself than she has to give."

Fayt laughed and walked away, taking the lead into town, the slight brunette at his side. The other three went off in a bunch, conversing among themselves. The Secret Legion leader laughed gently at the annoyed look on her tired friend's face, wrapping her arm more tightly around her. She led them to the inn on the west side, getting them a table to eat lunch at. She stayed silent until the food was served, grateful that Clair respected her need to think before starting her story again. As the runologist ate, she sighed and spoke, knowing the truly difficult part of the retelling would be coming soon.

"After I woke up, I had no idea what to do. I didn't know where I was or how I was still alive. All I could think about was how foolish I had just been, and how much I had hurt you. Everything just kept getting more confusing."

(**Flashback**)

The perky doctor had spent some time with her strange devices, and Nel felt almost normal in a very short time. She walked into the room where Fayt and three of his friends were talking about a place called Moonbase. Nel stood in the doorway, her mind and conscience battling for control. She wanted to go home, back to where the rules were clearly defined, where she knew what was expected of her.

'And where Clair is... Apris forgive me... what can I do? What should I do? I can't go home... not after what I did... but what about Clair? Will my staying with them make things worse or better for her? I have no right to be anywhere near her, but... but I need her.'

She shook her head, trying to concentrate, but still feeling out of focus. Her body still ached, but it was nowhere near as bad as before. It was distracting, but that wasn't what was really causing her problems. She was worried about her friend, and a part of her desperately needed the runologist's comfort, but her conscience wouldn't allow her to retreat to the safety of her own world.

'They say they need to find something at this... this Moonbase... something they need, and what little I overheard while I was resting seems to indicate some great danger that could threaten even my world. I have no idea what's going on here, but... but I can't let anything happen to Clair's home. Even the people here don't seem to know what's going on, but they talk as all frightened soldiers do when they know death is coming for them.'

Nel sighed to herself, then straightened slightly, determined to set things right the only way she knew how. She was a soldier in a world that didn't need her kind any longer.

'That's right... my world doesn't need people who know nothing but war and pain. My people no longer need me... and Clair... Clair needs... she needs something, anyone, other than me. She needs someone who won't go out and die and leave her alone. She deserves someone who can love her the way she loves. She gives everything she is, and she's such a good person. I've always fought to protect her, and the people like her. She's the kind of person Aquaria, all of my world, needs. People who can create peace, people who have gentle spirits, and can heal the wounds that'll be left from the war. I'll go.'

Her green eyes flashed, and she listened to the conversation going on in the room with one ear, still thinking with the rest of her mind.

'I go to protect my world, to protect my people, and to protect Clair. This is the only way I can atone for what I've done. If I survive this, Clair, I promise you, I'll find a way to make things right for you. You shouldn't have to suffer because of anyone, least of all me. By all the gods, I will make things right.'

She knew this was something she had to do, but there was always the risk that they would insist she go back home, and of course, she might just end up in the way. She was a master of blade and combat runology, but this was another level entirely. Judging from what she'd already seen, the enemies they'd be facing would be nothing like those she was accustomed to. Even knowing that, she had to try. She didn't know what she would do if she had to go back. She didn't think she could bear to face Clair, at least not yet.

'I'll just have to convince them, if they decide I should go back. I don't have anywhere to go if they do. At least this is a worthy purpose.'

She heard the decision being made by her comrades and took that as her cue.

"Moon... base? Sounds interesting. I can't wait."

She knew she had surprised the others, but there was no way she could stay home now. She would do what had to be done. She was a warrior, and though this might be an unfamiliar battleground, and the enemies completely alien to her, she would fight.

'For once, Adray, you were right about something. "Warriors must always go where their country needs them most," indeed. War calls once more, and I will answer. Please, Clair, take care of yourself...'

(**Flashback**)

"We fought our way through enemies like none I've ever seen, and we faced down those that had been the death of many. Unfortunately, that wasn't the end of the trouble. I didn't understand much of what was said and learned, but apparently Sophia, Fayt, and Maria were, are, weapons that were somehow designed specifically to face this threat. We had to go to another place, and at that point, I couldn't have come home even if I wanted to. There was just too much that had to be done. Unfortunately, the world Fayt, Maria, and Sophia are from was being targeted. We found out just before we went to Moonbase that some kind of energy blast from another dimension had hit their planet."

At Clair's confused look, she shrugged.

"I told you I didn't understand much of what was said. They had these machines that could show what was happening from incomprehensible distances, and people could actually talk to each other with them. I saw it, but I'm no engineer."

The runologist tried to comprehend the scope of what Nel was talking about, but she found that she couldn't. She just couldn't imagine any energy or being that could threaten the life of an entire planet, or being able to design a _person_ to be a weapon. That was all beyond her experience. What she did understand was that Nel had been confused and guilt-ridden, far more so than she had thought possible.

"Nel, I'm sorry you had to go through that. It must have been horrible to think you couldn't go home. I would have been more than happy to see you, you know. You should know that."

Nel shrugged, pushing her food around on the plate. She wasn't sure how to explain herself, but when she looked up into the pale brown eyes, she found she didn't need to. Clair seemed to look right into her soul, seeing everything she needed to understand.

"I wouldn't have been angry, Nel. I wasn't when you woke me, was I? Concerned, upset, yes, but not angry. I know you. Once you told me why, I would have told you exactly what I did: I love you, no matter what you do. I just want you to be safe and take care of yourself."

The redhead sighed softly, reaching across the table to twine her long, calloused fingers in the smooth ones resting there. The touch calmed her, the connection it forged between them taking some of the pain from her memories, anchoring her in the present. She knew there was more to tell, but wondered if she should relate the rest. What she had learned had shaken the very foundation of her beliefs, and she had yet to recover from that. She wondered if she ever would.

'Do I want Clair to have to face that, too? Our people are far more religious than those of the other nations, and Clair holds her faith much deeper than I do, which says a lot. Do I have the right to take that away? Will she even believe me?'

She shook her head at that last thought. She knew her friend would believe her, and that was the problem. She didn't want to shake up Clair's life anymore than it already had been, but she also wanted to talk about what had happened. She couldn't really talk to the others. They wouldn't understand. None of them had grown up as she did. None of them had her background. They had all grown up in a world of technology and those 'video' games that kept being mentioned. Her exposure to technology was very limited, and she had never seen a video game. To learn that the people who she'd grown up with were nothing more than creations for the amusement of others was almost more than she could stand.

'I shouldn't be so selfish. Clair doesn't need to deal with all of this. What I've told her already must be confusing enough. She did ask for the entire story, though, and I do want to tell her. I just don't know if I have the right to, or the words. I barely understand it myself, and I was there. I saw it. I heard what the child said. And we're supposed to be going to the place where we were created, to fight the Creator. We have to end the invasion... but how can we defeat the being, the person, that created us?'

Clair could see the turmoil behind her friends eyes, and wasn't sure how to respond to it. On the one hand, she could ask what was wrong, but that ran the risk of interrupting her train of thought, which in turn might make it harder for her to say what had so bothered her. She kept her peace, watching instead of speaking. She would know if she should interrupt, or at least she hoped she would. Only vaguely aware of her watching friend, Nel's mind continued to race.

'I have to tell her, don't I? She asked what was bothering me, and I can't lie to her. I may be able to lie to others, but she would see right through me. She always has. I don't want to, anyway. I hate the idea of lying to her. I can't get around it without either lying or leaving her, neither of which is really an acceptable option.'

Nel sighed again. It was hard enough to even think about what she'd learned, so how could she explain it to someone else? When she became aware of the patient gaze, she realized that she really didn't have a choice. Clair deserved the entire truth, and she would just have to find the words somehow. The hand wrapped in hers squeezed gently, and a soft smile crossed her lips. Maybe it wasn't so hard. This was Clair, after all. She always seemed to understand, and maybe telling her would help bring things into focus. Now, more than ever, she needed that steady-as-a-rock mind and soul the taller woman was so famous for.

'I hope she takes this as well as she took finding out the reasons for what I did. I can't have her thinking me insane, but somehow I don't think she will. I don't know what I'll do if she does, but I guess I'll just have to deal with it if it comes down to it. I pray that it doesn't, though. Things are chaotic enough. She's my only stable shelter in all of this...'

The Shield Legion commander could see the change in her companion's eyes. They became more determined, but at the same time, afraid. She knew whatever was coming next would be whatever was bothering Nel so badly, and wondered what could be so terrible that she was afraid to talk about it.

"Nel," she said softly, waiting for the green eyes to focus on her, "whatever it is, it's all right. You know I won't be upset with you about something you learned in your journey. Tell me, so you don't have to deal with it alone anymore. I know you don't talk about things that upset you with many people, and I'm assuming you wouldn't, or couldn't, talk to Fayt and the others. That leaves me. Whatever it is, I'll listen. No judgments."

The spy smiled faintly, the hand wrapped in hers tightening it's grip to emphasize the point. She couldn't remember just what she'd been afraid of. Clair had never judged her, even when anyone else would have. This was someone, the only one, she could trust with the truth. She just hoped it was worth it.

"Well, they found what they were looking for on Moonbase, and more, apparently. It seems they were created to protect their world, their people, and the galaxy we all live in. We had to travel to a barren, desert world called Styx, to find something called the Time Gate. It was supposed to take us to another dimension, called 4 Dimensional space. The way to access it was through a power they had built into Fayt's friend Sophia. Maria's power, called Alteration, was supposed to protect us in this other dimension."

She could see the confusion building behind the pale brown eyes, and sighed. She didn't know what to say to make it clearer. She could barely comprehend it herself. Nel wondered if one of the others could explain it better, then decided they probably couldn't. When they had tried to explain it to her, their words had been beyond her, and only seeing it for herself had put it into something like perspective.

"I didn't understand what was going on, but we went. Styx was a barren, empty place. Its only residents were powerful enemies. At first, it was all but impossible to fight them, but Fayt had us go through them, and with each battle we became stronger, until they were no match at all. The enemies were called Proclaimers, and Enforcers. They were servants of the being that calls itself the Creator. He had apparently decided our galaxy had committed some great crime against him, and had chosen to destroy us. Actually, it was what was done to Fayt, Maria, and Sophia that angered him so much. It seems that Fayt's parents were involved in something called Symbological Genetics. As best I could tell, it's like our runology, except embedded within one's body. I don't know how something like that could be done, but it's apparently forbidden research."

Clair found herself becoming more and more confused, but she refused to lose her focus. As difficult as it was to comprehend what Nel was talking about, it was obvious to her that this, or something about this particular subject, was what was so negatively affecting her friend. Instead of concentrating on figuring out the difficult concepts of this 'symbological genetics' and the Time Gate, she focused on the emotion behind the expressive green eyes, and the thoughts and feelings that found their way into Nel's voice.

"I take it you entered this 4-dimensional space?"

The redhead nodded, propping her head on her free hand, looking thoughtful. The more of the story she told, the harder it was. She wanted to end it, and run from the truth, but she knew she couldn't, and wouldn't.

"Yes, we did. The people there were... surprised, to say the least. It seems we came out of... out of screens they use to watch what's happening in our dimension. They seemed to think little enough of it. That place was so strange. The people barely seemed to have minds of their own, except for a child named Flad, and I think that had more to with the spirit of the young than anything else. He told us an incredible story, one that I still have difficulty believing, despite having seen the proof."

Before the Crimson Blade could continue, Fayt walked in, looking around. When he saw them, he strode over, and Nel could guess why he'd come. When he reached the table, he smiled a greeting at Clair, then turned to her.

"Nel, we should move on. The others are waiting, and I don't know how long Cliff, Maria, and Mirage can wait. What have you two been doing, anyway? You look way to serious for a routine trek like this. Is something wrong?"

Nel shook her head, glancing over at her friend before meeting the young man's kind eyes. He was standing with one hand on his hip again, his head cocked to the side, and a curious expression on his face. He asked because he was concerned, she decided, and not for any other reason. Of all the people they traveled with, Fayt seemed the most able to sense how much Clair meant to her. If he thought something was wrong with either of them, he'd certainly be worried.

"Nothing's wrong, but thank you for asking. I was just telling Clair about what we discovered in 4-D space. She asked about what we'd been doing all that time, and I was telling the story. I just reached the point where we met Flad."

His eyes widened, surprise and concern in their depths. He and the others had all been affected very deeply by the revelations, but he seemed aware that she had been the one most strongly touched by what they'd learned. As intelligent as he was, he'd have to know that if she was affected, it was highly likely the Shield Legion commander would be too, especially after the shock of losing and regaining her best friend. The green orbs flickered from her own to Clair's face and back, and she could easily imagine what he was thinking, as could her companion.

"It's alright, Fayt. I asked. Anything that disturbs Nel as much as whatever you discovered has is something I want to know. From what little Nel has said so far, I think I should know. It's obviously important, whatever it is."

The blue-haired swordsman sighed, nodding. He knew the expression on the pale face very well, though he was accustomed to seeing it on another's. It was Nel's classic 'this is what I'm going to do and damn everything else' look. He'd certainly seen it enough times on their journeys together. It was strange to see it on Clair's gentle face, though. He wondered if it was an effect of long association with the spy, and laughed to himself as he realized that it probably was.

"Well, okay. If you want any help explaining something, I can try. We really should get moving, though. The others won't wait forever. I need you with me in the fights, but other than that, I'd feel better if you stay with Lady Clair. I don't want her getting injured, and I don't know anyone better than you to protect her."

Nel chuckled, aware of his eyes tracking to their joined hands. Normally she would have been annoyed or embarrassed, not that she'd show it. Right now, though, that contact was making her feel content, if not happy. Something about Clair made the pain and confusion of the days away from home fade into the background, leaving her feeling warm, safe, and focused. When she met the watchful brown eyes, she found herself flushing for no apparent reason, and a smile appeared on her face. Fayt's presence faded into the background, and the redhead felt herself getting lost in that pale regard.

"Nel?"

The runologist laughed to herself. Nel's expression for that one moment had been one she recognized, but had never seen on her friend's face. Instead, she had seen it only one other place: in the mirror when she was thinking about the redhead. It gave her a brief hope that maybe it wasn't so impossible to win Nel's heart after all, but she shoved it aside. She wasn't willing to get her heart broken again.

"Let's go, Nel. You can tell me the rest as we go, or once we get to Aquios. We shouldn't keep the others waiting."

The Crimson Blade flushed visibly, at once amusing and worrying her companion. Nel wasn't prone to blushing. In fact, it was very rare that she was embarrassed. Clair wasn't at all sure what was wrong, or what was going on in the agile mind, and that in itself was strange. It had become increasingly uncommon for her to not have some sense of what Nel was thinking over the years, especially right before the incident at the Arena. Right now, however, she couldn't read her at all, and it scared her more than she would have expected.

"Yes, I'm coming. I must be more tired than I thought."

The trio went outside and joined the others, heading for the gate and the Irisa Fields beyond. The Shield Legion commander felt her friend's hand claim hers again, and found herself grateful for the grip. As they continued to walk, she could feel her legs shaking under. She knew her body wasn't in any condition for a long trip, and she was starting to reach her limits despite the brief stop they'd made. One particular tremor got the attention of the sharp, concerned green eyes, and she smiled at their owner.

"Clair? Are you okay? I can feel you shaking."

"Yes, Nel, I'm fine. I'm just tired, as we both expected I would be. Tell me the rest of the story, please? What happened to you in that... that 4-Dimensional space?"

Nel shook her head, watching her friend's pale face. Clair was always light-skinned, but now she was almost as ashen as she had been that morning. She was worried, but she hoped they could get to Aquios quickly so she could put her in bed and see to her care again. Looking after Clair gave her a sense of peace and contentment like nothing else, and she could only imagine how good it would feel to see her strong and healthy again, and know she had helped to do that.

"Very well. If you're sure. But if you get too tired, you need to tell me. I don't want you to fall behind and get hurt. I can only protect you if you let me."

The Shield Legion commander smiled gently, letting herself lean into the sturdy form slightly. Being close to the redhead always gave her a warm thrill, and she was hoping it would be enough to get her through the Fields.

"That's fine, Nel. Thank you for being concerned, and for protecting me. I feel very safe."

She leaned over and pressed a small kiss to the corner of Nel's lips, mostly just to see what she would do. Much to her muted delight, the tanned woman flushed, her cheeks heating noticeably, and a shy smile crossed her face for a split second before vanishing as quickly as it had appeared. That had been more than she could have hoped for, and she settled into the pace of the hike with an inward smile of her own.

"So, what happened? You still haven't told me."

The Secret Legion leader sighed to herself. She couldn't keep avoiding it, and she couldn't lie. She would just have to explain and hope for the best. It would have been easier if she hadn't been interrupted earlier. She had just gotten her courage up to explain before Fayt had come in, and now she didn't have the time to do that. With another sigh, she started to speak, wishing for the happy, relaxed energy that had just been between them.

"The child, Flad, told us an unbelievable story, as I said. He told us we were all... that we were all pieces in a huge game... called a 'video' game. They could simply sit down at things called 'computers' and take over a person. They controlled us with commands on a board. To them, we are nothing more than toys. They call our world, our galaxy, our universe, even, the 'Eternal Sphere.' I don't know what much of that means, but I... I couldn't believe it. I still don't want to. It's just so... so incredible."

She ducked her head, too miserable and worried about her companion's reaction to look up any longer. At Clair's continued silence, her body slumped in on itself, her shoulders dropping and her head bowed. Her free arm hung limply at her side, and the hand holding Clair's started to slip out of the warm grip, only to be caught and held even more tightly. She managed to bring her head up to meet the pale brown eyes, surprised to find gentle understanding, along with the expected confusion there. The runologist's free hand came up, pushing her chin back up.

"It's okay, Nel. I can't honestly say I understand, and I'm very confused, but I don't want you to think I'm upset with you because of it. It's not your fault that these beings think they can control our lives."

"It's not just control, Clair!" Nel exclaimed, her own frustration and pain bubbling to the surface, completely out of her control, "They created us! They... they say they 'programmed' us as playthings! It's all the vast majority of them do! They sit and play this game with our lives, or they're what's called a 'programmer,' the ones who make us, and make changes in our universe! They know us as nothing but toys! They're hardly aware that we have minds of our own! They call us 'artificial intelligence!'"

Clair struggled with the information she had been given, trying to find a way to fit it into her concept of how the world functioned, and not being able to. She could understand now why Nel had been so visibly upset. This went against everything their people believed, taking apart the very foundations of their lives. She could also understand why her friend had been so afraid to tell her about what she'd learned. If she had told that story to anyone else, she might have been thought insane at best, and could have been arrested or even executed for heresy and treason at worst.

'She took such a risk to tell me. She had to have trusted me a great deal to talk about it, and I will not abuse, betray, or lose that trust. It's too precious. How many people does Nel truly trust with her life? Not many, if I know her at all. She doesn't trust easily, and I've spent my life doing everything I can to earn it from her. I won't waste all that effort for something as foolish as fear and confusion.'

"Nel," she started slowly, trying to find the right words, "I can't say I understand, because what you've said contradicts everything we believe, but it's no fault of yours. The way things are is the way things are. You're the one who taught me that. To be honest, I'm confused and even frightened by this, but I know you. You don't lie, and you don't exaggerate. If you say that's how we came to be, then I believe you. All I ask is for some time to think about it. I don't want you to ever think that I'm upset with you, though."

The spy looked up at her, searching her face. Clair didn't know what she was looking for, but she was determined not to let her friend down. She had told the truth when she said she didn't blame Nel for taking apart the foundations of their life. She didn't blame anyone, actually, not even the people who used them as playthings. They all had their way of life, and that was the way of the 4-dimensional beings. She didn't understand or like it, and it made her angry to think that someone thought she, Nel, and all of them, were toys, but she could understand that they thought they were right. It was the nature of people to think their way was the best way.

"Nel, I don't know how many times I've told you this, but I love you. Nothing can change that, especially not the actions of others. Just trust me, Nel. I would never judge you. I never have. Please, don't be so upset. It hurts to see you so sad."

Nel stared at her for a long moment, then turned fully and abruptly wrapped her in a warm embrace, holding her so tightly her bones creaked. She didn't complain, letting her friend hold her as tight as she wanted to. Her strength was a boon to her own failing body, and the comfort was what she desperately needed right now. Over the muscular shoulder, she saw Fayt turn, a broad smile spreading across his face. She gave him a warning look when he looked like he was going to laugh, her expression clearing saying 'don't you dare!' He shrugged, his eyes shining brightly.

"Nel," she whispered, her lips brushing the nearby ear, "we need to keep moving. The others are waiting. I'm here. I've got you. It'll all be okay."

The Crimson Blade pulled back slowly, trying to keep down her blush and reluctant to relinquish the contact with Clair. She knew they had to keep moving, but in that moment she had needed to be close to the woman who was rapidly becoming her entire life, if she wasn't already. Clair had risen above and beyond anything she could have hoped for in her reaction to the story, and had proven to be her rock in a time of chaos once again.

'If I could ever love anyone, they'd have to be just like her... but there's no one else like her.'

She blinked, surprised by the thought. She had known for a long time that Clair was unique, but the other... that's what took her by surprise. She had long known that her heart was to cold to let someone else in, but her friend had come the closest by far. With an irritated shake of her head, Nel shook herself out of her thoughts. This was neither the time nor the place for soul-searching, because, although she was unwilling to admit it, the thought of loving anyone terrified her.

"Come on, then. The sooner we get to Aquios, the sooner you can rest. And you can't tell me you don't need to."

Clair laughed softly, leaning into Nel when she wrapped an arm around her waist, bracing her trembling form. It was a relief to not have to carry her full weight, but all too soon the spy was called into battle, leaving her in the back, her muscles quivering with the effort of keeping her upright. As she watched Nel elegantly cut her way through the monsters in their path, something slammed into the back of her head, and she went down. She rolled over, looking into the face of a snarling... thing. She couldn't identify it, the blow and her own exhaustion making her vision fuzzy. She managed to move away from its next attack and knock it away with runology when it got close again, but she knew she was too tired and hurt to actually fight.

"Nel!"

The Secret Legion leader spun around when she heard that voice calling her name, finding a monster standing over Clair. She saw her manage a spell, but it was obvious that she had been injured, blood standing out brightly against her too-white skin.

"Clair! No!"

Green eyes flashed, and she felt rage take over. No one and nothing threatened Clair. Not if she could help it.

"Get back! You will not touch her again!"

Her power flooded her veins, wrapping around her body and into her blades. She jumped up, somersaulting through the air and landing in a neat crouch between the monster and her friend. She came up with a viscous slash, the runology-sharpened blades cutting through the beast like a hot knife through butter. She spun around again, sheathing her blades before rushing to Clair's side and pulling her into her arms. A cut at the base of her skull was obviously what had brought her down, and she was impressed that the taller woman had managed to use any runology at all in the state she was in. The fact that she could exemplified the strength of her will, one of many of Clair's personality traits she admired so much.

"Nel..."

"I've got you," she answered, frightened by the fuzzy quality to the pale eyes and the weak, exhausted tone of voice, "you're safe, Clair. I've got you."

"Of course you do..." Clair replied softly, her eyes focusing for a moment, "You always had me... You protected me, just as you promised."

Nel managed to smile, her hand sliding back to cover the shallow gash. Her power welled up again, and a muttered word spread light across the injury, closing it. There was no threat to Clair's life, even if she hadn't healed it, but it was always better to be safe, especially with one as precious as the gray-haired runologist.

"I told you to tell me if you were too tired, Clair. I said I'd carry you if I had to. You should have said something was wrong."

"Nel, I'm tired. Does that help?"

That forced a laugh out of her, and she hugged the other woman close.

"Yes. How do you feel otherwise? Are you in any pain?"

"I have a terrible headache. Other than that I'm just fine. Thank you for asking. Don't worry, Nel. I really am fine. I just need some rest."

"You'll get it soon," she promised, "just as soon as we get to Aquios, you'll get all the rest you need. Come on, now. Put your arms around me. I've got you."

She put an arm around Clair's back and another under her knees, lifting her easily. The others looked on in silence, watching for any sign of more attackers. As she approached, Fayt strode over, his bare blade shining in the sun.

"Is she okay?"

"She's fine. She just needs to get some sleep. She hasn't been well since the Arena. I knew this was too much for her."

A sharp rap on her shoulder made her smile and look down at her friend. She was giving her an annoyed look through her tired, dazed eyes, and it made her chuckle to see her spirit back in her expression. That was the Clair she knew, the one who never let her take the blame for what anyone else said or chose.

"Come on, then. We're almost there. Stay close. We'll keep you both safe."

Nel nodded her thanks at him, cradling her precious burden close to her chest. She started walking again, feeling Clair rest her head on her shoulder and let out a contented, sleepy sigh. She smiled to herself, leaning down to press her lips against her forehead, whispering a promise against the smooth skin.

"You're my one shelter from this storm I've found myself caught in, and I can't let anything take you away from me. It may be selfish, but I can't lose you. It doesn't matter if I have to go kill our Creator, and that the gods as we know them don't exist. As long as I have you, it's enough. All I ask is that you stay with me."

Clair sighed again, nuzzling deeper into her shoulder.

"Always."


	10. Her Eyes Opened And Her Heart Broke Free

Disclaimers: I don't own the rights to Star Ocean: TtEoT or its characters, I make no money off them, so don't sue me.

First, I apologize for taking so long with this chapter, especially after getting the last one up within a week of the previous update. I've had a lot of things going on, and I've barely been able to write anything. I hope this is good enough to make the wait worth it.

The last two chapters were not initially part of what I'd planned to do, but I was asked to take a closer look at the feelings of Clair and Nel during the time they were apart, and I thought it was a good idea. Now that I've done that, I'll get on with the main story as I planned it. This chapter was something I've been planning since I saw this one scene in the game, and developed as I worked on the fic. I hope you like it. Oh, and a scene from this is taken directly from the game, with only thoughts added from me. Also, Nel's emotions may seem unrealistic at times, but in all honesty I've gone through what I describe here, but unlike her, I didn't have anyone to help me through it. Nel's luckier than I was.

While I'm thinking about it, I'll mention once again that if anyone wants something added or expanded, I'll gladly take it under consideration, just be specific. I do pay attention. The last two chapters are evidence of that. Also, if there any other fandoms or pairings you want to see me write, take a look at my profile. I have a list of pairings I'm interested in working on, and if there are any you like that aren't there, let me know. I may have missed a few.

To any who have been kind enough to email me, I am very, very sorry for not getting back to you. There was a problem with my email account I wasn't aware of, but I fixed it, so I can receive any mail you want to send me. Once again, I'm very sorry for the inconvenience. I hope you'll be willing to re-send any mail, because I am now able to reply to it. Thank you so much to all of you, and a special thanks to Catfish Tango, who has not only stuck with me through this fic and given some incredibly helpful reviews, but also brought the problem with my email to my attention.

All that said, please review, whether you like it not. The more reviews I get, the more willing I am to work hard to get this up for you all.

**Two Soldiers: Fire and Ice**

**Chapter 10: The Day Her Eyes Were Opened And Her Heart Broke Free**

The Irisa Fields were as beautiful as ever, made even more so by Nel's joy at being so close to home again at long last. Their battles through the huge Sphere 211 Company had been draining just by the sheer amount of them. She had become incredibly sick of the place by the time they'd gotten through the tenth floor. The redhead sighed, breathing in the warm air happily. It had all been too sterile for her. She had craved the scent of earth around her, of wood and growing things, and now she was here again. She glanced over at Fayt, who was looking around and nodding.

"Let's go to Aquios."

They didn't go immediately, instead going to Airyglyph first, where they heard news of the King's upcoming wedding and Albel spoke briefly with him about the sword Crimson Scourge, which he was given. She still didn't know why Fayt had decided to bring Albel with them, but if she were honest with herself, she had been grateful for his presence. She still hated him and everything he'd done, but he was from her world, and a strong warrior. She could at least kind of relate to him in a way she couldn't with the others, not that she took much time to actually speak with him.

'I wish I had time to go see Clair in Arias...'

It turned out that she did. They were running a little low on supplies by the time they got back there, and Fayt let them all take a short rest while he bought more. The monsters had become far fiercer than they had been, and she could guess why. These were Proclaimer and Executioner types, brought on by the problem with the uninstaller. They were all fortunate that they had taken so much time on Styx training against just that type of enemy, and Fayt's Dimension Door technique, which he'd been developing since he'd learned it, had come very much in handy, as had her own Mirror Slice.

'She seems so tired...' was her first thought when she entered the conference room. Her friend was reading over reports, looking every bit as drained as she herself was. She wondered about it, then overheard one of the runologists mention patrols and smiled. She was glad the Shield Legion commander had kept those up, even if they were especially dangerous now. It had always done great things for everyone's morale to see the gray-haired woman fighting, and winning. She sat down at the table, watching her old friend with a small, sad smile.

'She's the heart of those who serve her. As long as she's alive, they see her strength and take courage from it. I do, too. Her life gives mine purpose.'

She heard Fayt's boot steps approaching and sighed, not turning her head. He stopped just behind her, watching Clair for a moment before turning to look down at her.

"Is everything okay, Nel?"

She sighed again, watching the familiar lines of her friend's body as she got up to pace, still seeming unaware of her presence.

"I've neglected my duties and caused Clair much grief. When this is all over, I am going to have to make it up to her one way or another."

Pale brown eyes fixed on her just as bright green ones widened. Fayt was startled by the unaccustomed sentiment, then thought about whom she was talking about and what he remembered from their stop here and in Aquios before they'd left. They had hardly left each other's side in the two days before they'd all had to leave to go back to 4-D space, leaving Clair behind. In that short time, Nel had seemed happy and relaxed, a gentle smile apparently glued to her face. The pale runologist had done wonders for her spirit, and Fayt was glad they'd stopped by here. He'd intentionally decided to stop in Arias rather than Peterny or Kirlsa, knowing how much Nel would want to see Lady Clair, and vice versa.

"Nel! I didn't know you were here!"

The gentle smile he'd been thinking about moments before spread across Nel's tanned face, and he silently turned and stood by the door, giving them some privacy. Clair approached the spy's chair, her own sweet smile lighting up her features.

"How are you?"

"I'm fine, Clair, thank you," the redhead replied softly, something inside her almost aching at the sight of the beautiful runologist, "What about you? You look very tired. Have the patrols been that difficult?"

Clair sighed, brushing one long gray tail out of her face. The shorter one was still problematic, but she ignored it in favor of reaching out and touching Nel's large hand.

"Yes. This 'Vile Wind,' as some are calling it, has brought monsters unlike anything we've faced. Runology is effective enough, but we've lost some of our remaining soldiers. We may have to start more rigorous training drills soon, or we'll lose more. Still, I've found a few techniques that work well against them. I haven't had too much trouble personally, though I..."

The runologist paused, flushing slightly. She hadn't meant to say what she was about to, but she couldn't hold the words back.

"...I haven't really slept well since you left. I got so used to you being with me at night, even after just a few days. It's just not the same without you here. And patrols are so much... so much more interesting, more exciting, with you. The others just don't have anything like your skills."

Nel laughed softly, warmed by the admission while at the same time concerned by the shadows under her friend's pale eyes. Clair hadn't quite been herself when she'd left, but she'd been getting there. Now she seemed too tired to keep up her normal reserves of confidence and steel.

"Well, as soon as this is all over, I promise I'll come home and patrol with you whenever you want, if I'm not sent on a mission. As for you sleeping, the same applies. Anytime you need me, for whatever reason, I'll be there."

A fine gray eyebrow rose in surprise, and the Secret Legion leader tried to hide her sudden blush at the implications of what she'd said. Nevertheless, she didn't take it back or offer any explanations. She didn't see the need, or at least that's what she told herself. With another soft sigh, she glanced at Fayt, who was waiting patiently by the door. She knew it was time to get moving, but now that she was in Clair's company again, she didn't want to leave.

"Well... we have to get to Aquios. We should have already been there, but we had an errand to take care of in Airyglyph first. I'll... I'll come say goodbye before we leave again, if I can. If not, I'll say it now."

She stood and wrapped strong arms around her companion, ignoring her usual dislike for such displays. It felt so good to be this close to Clair again after her time away and the confusion her life had rapidly become, and the smell and feel of her calmed her nerves as nothing else could. Only allowing herself a few moments of the indulgence, Nel pulled back, smiling softly when she noticed the other woman's reluctance to end the embrace.

"I'll be back, Clair. Take care of yourself until I do, please? I don't want to even imagine coming here and finding my home gone."

"I'll protect the town, Nel, as always."

Nel shook her head, a bit of red hair falling across one eye. It was so typical of her friend to say something like that, completely missing the real meaning of her words when they were on this particular subject. If they'd been talking about anything else, she would have known exactly what was meant, whether or not it was spoken.

"I didn't mean the town," she corrected gently, seeing the confused look she got in response, "I was talking about you. I told you already, my home is wherever you happen to be. I wouldn't want anything to happen to Arias, or any other place in Aquaria, but it'd be far worse for me if something happened to you. So, as I said, take care of yourself."

The pale skin flushed deeply, and the spy chuckled, stealing another, shorter embrace before squeezing the hand still holding hers and turning away, joining Fayt at the door. He nodded in response to her gesture, and walked out. She started to follow when she heard that voice call her name. Nel turned her head, glancing back at her friend with another smile.

"I will, Nel, but you be careful too. I can't lose you either."

With a smile, the spy left, leaving the gray-haired runologist to stare after her, then laugh to herself and start reading her reports again, feeling infinitely more awake than she had. Nel, for her part, was grateful beyond words that she'd had the chance to visit her friend, but the connection that always existed between them, strengthened by the days spent together, and even by her absence, had stirred something inside her she'd been unaware of before. It was something warm and comforting, but at the same time painfully confusing.

'I don't have the time for soul searching right now...'

She shook her head, following Fayt's lead as they fought their way through the Palmira Plains and Irisa Fields again, deliberately taking on all the monsters in the area to hone their abilities for what they all knew was coming next. They didn't stop in Peterny, instead going straight through to Aquios. Once there, they met with the queen, gaining permission to take the Sacred Orb with them, which would require going through the Shrine of Kaddan. She went down to the Chapel ahead of the others, wanting to speak to her friend Rozaria about the marriage she had heard rumors about.

"I heard the news, Rozaria. So, you are to be wed. Congratulations."

Rozaria smiled at her, obviously surprised by her apparent acceptance of the situation.

"Thank you. But Nel, can you really give your blessing knowing who I am to wed?"

She shifted, shrugging slightly. She didn't really know how to answer that, but she tried her best to encourage her friend.

"I suppose so. Frankly, I'm not so fond of your fiancé... but that is your choice to make. About all I can do is share in your happiness as a friend. You must be happy now that the marriage has been decided."

Her friend's smile was answer enough, even without the small nod. She didn't know how the high priestess's daughter could love the man who had all but decimated their people, but she refused to voice any of that.

"Yes. Very happy indeed."

"Then there's nothing more I can say. I don't care much for him now, but I will make every effort to like him once he becomes your husband."

Fayt approached just then, and she looked up at him, crossing her arms, and greeting him.

"Oh, Fayt. This is my friend Rozaria. We've known each other years. You haven't been introduced to her yet, have you?"

"I have seen Master Fayt a number of times," Rozaria commented from her side, smiling at the young swordsman when he looked over at her, "After all, he's the hero who defeated the celestial ship and saved the kingdoms of Airyglyph and Aquaria. Of course, whether he knows of me is another question."

Fayt was silent, glancing over at her. He had wondered if she had the chemistry she did with Clair because they had been friends for so long, but watching her with another old friend, he realized that it really did have much more to do with Clair and Nel, and not the fact that they'd known each other a long time. The spy kept speaking, trying to ignore his thoughtful expression.

"You probably already know from all the rumors, but she is soon to be wed and become Queen of Airyglyph."

"So you're the one Airyglyph XIII is going to marry?" he asked, one hand on his hip.

"Correct. However, it has not been officially announced yet."

"Congratulations," Fayt replied, smiling and putting his hand on his hip again, "I'd like to offer you my best wishes."

Rozaria bowed, smiling broadly.

"How kind of you."

Nel crossed her arms, unable to hold back some of her thoughts anymore, and saw a perfect way to tease her old friend at the same time.

"Hey, Fayt. Can you believe it? This lady's been in love with that Arzei for 15 years."

She glanced over at her friend, giving her a teasing look.

"Or was it 16 years?"

"Oh, Nel. Don't say that--" Rozaria responded, blushing badly.

"What does it matter? Besides, my resentment towards you has never faded. I'd like to finally try to get over at least some of it." She turned her head back towards Fayt. "And I'd like our kingdom's savior to understand first hand just how difficult it's been for me." Nel turned back to Rozaria, giving her a look. "Tell it like you always do. Let's hear about the kind young man who saved your life when you were a child. And don't forget to include that fateful reunion 15 years later that I was just talking about."

"Stop being so cruel!" the younger woman exclaimed.

"Cruel?" Nel responded, mildly annoyed, "Try walking in my shoes. I've had to listen to the love stories of others until I practically learned them by heart. The gods shall not punish me for such an insignificant act."

"Then you should have talked to me about it, Nel! I could have advised you in the matters of the heart."

"Listen to me, Rozaria," she replied, shaking her head, "There's no one special in my life, so..."

She trailed off, an image of Clair's gentle face flashing before her eyes. She couldn't honestly say that Clair wasn't special to her, but... what about that strange feeling she'd been struggling to ignore all this time?

"Do not lie to me, Nel!" Rozaria replied, looking almost irritated. She could see something passing through Nel's green eyes, and knew something more was going on. "Besides, everyone has been talking about it. You have been acting more ladylike of late. Perhaps you have fallen in love." The small girl approached the tall boy. "Master Fayt, you must have noticed that Nel was in love. Let us give her some advice on the matter of the heart."

Fayt looked thoughtful for a moment, crossing his arms before taking his typical pose again, only slightly intimidated by Nel's irritated expression. He wondered if there was any way he could help Nel face whatever feelings towards Clair she apparently refused to acknowledge. What worried him more than the anger, though, was the terror only partially hidden in her eyes.

"Umm... Yeah, okay..."

Nel looked at him out of the corner of her sharp, glittering eyes. Her expression was dangerous, and her voice a threatening growl. She would not allow him to give her advice, especially when she was determined to believe that she didn't need any.

"FAYT! Let me ask you this, you're not ready to die yet, are you?"

Her face and voice made the threat crystal clear, and he backed off a bit, jerking as if struck, which it almost felt like he had been. Still, he was worried. She was so obviously deep in denial, and it was equally obvious that Lady Clair, whose love for her was apparent in everything she did, was being hurt by that denial. As she continued to speak, he wondered if there was anything he could do.

"All right, Rozaria. You win. So..."

The spy shifted, crossing her arms. Her eyes took on that dangerous light again, and she leaned in slightly, her voice dropping.

"Who could be spreading such a baseless rumor? You're going to tell me, right? After all we're friends, aren't we?"

"Nel..." Rozaria said hesitantly, "You can be rather scary at times."

Nel turned, walking away with her back to her friends and paced.

'I don't need their help! I'm in no way in love with anyone! Who could possibly say anything so stupid? I don't have some special person in my life. I just have my friends and Clair...'

Again, her mind refused to shunt her feelings for Clair into some manageable form. They pulled and pushed at her, clinging and clawing their way into her mind. She couldn't put her dearest friend into any platonic category, and was forcefully reminded of her own words, 'if I could ever love anyone, they'd have to be just like her.' They haunted the redhead, and she couldn't find the will to fight them anymore. When Fayt approached again, she tried to appear normal, but didn't think she managed.

"Honestly!" She found herself muttering aloud, "She should get her facts straight."

"That Nel... If she has something to say, she should just come out and say it," she heard her friend say to Fayt.

After the swordsman left, she exchanged a brief, annoyed goodbye with Rozaria and stormed off to her room, more angry with herself than anything else. Something inside of her was bursting like a dam put under too much pressure. All her feelings for Clair were spinning out of control, and she was being forced, by her own mind, no less, to face emotions that terrified the wits out of her. She wanted to run, but couldn't escape herself. Trapped between extremes, she could do nothing but collapse onto her bed, her body trembling and tears burning their way out of her eyes.

"No! Stop it!"

Her voice came out in a tormented whisper, all her muscles locking up as Nel fought against the overwhelming tide. It was a losing battle, and she hated to lose, but more importantly, she was so frightened by her own feelings towards her old friend that a part of her would rather die than face it. The rest of her fought it tooth and nail, because the consequences of that were too much to even contemplate.

'I can't do this! I can't deal with this, but I can't escape it!'

"STOP!"

The ragged cry was directed at the warring factions of her heart and mind, but it did nothing to stop the agony she was in. The redhead curled into a tight ball, sobbing and shaking until she thought her body would tear itself apart. Completely lost in pain and confusion, Nel didn't hear her door open and close, or the steps of another approaching her. She only became aware of another person in her room when a warm hand wrapped around her shoulder and a body sat down beside hers.

"Breathe, Nel. It's okay."

The spy took in huge, gasping breaths, her body responding to the soft command without conscious thought. Strong, soft hands gently rubbed her arms, massaging muscles that had become painfully stiff and knotted.

"What's wrong, Nel? What's hurting you so much?"

When she didn't answer or respond, the sweet voice came again, this time with a touch of steel.

"Look at me, please. I need to know what's wrong. I can't stand seeing you like this. Please, turn around and face me."

Nel tried to fight it, but there was nothing she could do. Her body had long ago trained itself to respond to that voice without question, something that usually turned out for the best, but right now the terror was increasing exponentially at the thought of looking into eyes that knew her better than she knew herself.

'I can't do this... she'll see everything... everything I've tried so hard to ignore, to fight...'

With a soft whimper, the Crimson Blade turned, slowly bringing her head up, her eyes closed tightly.

"Open your eyes, Nel. Let me see you."

With an effort of will, she shook her head, refusing. It took almost more than she had to keep her eyes closed, but she was convinced it was for the best. The other sighed softly and repeated the command, this time in a tone that she had no defense against. This, among other things, was what made the other such a fine leader.

"Nel, open your eyes."

Once again, her body defied the will of her mind, revealing dark, bloodshot green eyes to watching brown.

"Clair... I can't... I can't make it stop..."

Clair gasped at the wildness of the familiar features. Emotions tore across the green gems before vanishing again, replaced by something else. She had never seen Nel's feelings so out of control in all their time together, and to see it now was almost frightening. The runologist wrapped her arms around her old friend, trying to soothe some of the pain wracking the slim form.

"Shh, I've got you. Just take deep breaths, Nel. Calm down and tell me what's wrong."

The redhead did as she was told, suddenly able to breathe again now that warm, strong arms were holding her. Her muscular body went almost completely limp, the tension draining out of her as abruptly as it had come. The whirling maelstrom of emotion her mind had become calmed to an almost bearable flow, and she curled into the taller woman.

"Rozaria said something... and I lost control. All I could think about was what she had said, and it just took over. Gods... it hurt so much... I couldn't even breathe!"

"Nel," Clair started hesitantly, not sure she wanted to know the answer but needing to nonetheless, "What did Rozaria say? I know she's been talking about her upcoming marriage, but that shouldn't upset you so much. You may not like her fiancé, but that wouldn't be enough to do this to you. Please, let me help you."

'You already have...'

As she thought it, Nel realized how true it was. Just by being there, Clair had taken away the agonizing, paralyzing confusion, and everything suddenly started to make sense. But with that clarity, there was fear. Though the initial surge had overwhelmed her, then been soothed by her friend, it was once again coming in waves. This fear had been what had almost killed Clair, and with her, Nel's own spirit. The runologist must have seen something in her face, because she wrapped her in an impossibly tighter hold, binding and comforting her all at once.

"I can feel your heart racing, Nel. It's much too fast. You have to calm down before it bursts. I'm here, no matter what's wrong. Please, let me in. I just want to help you. Tell me what happened, what Rozaria said that would so upset you."

Try as she might to resist it, the redhead knew she needed to talk about at least some of this, and maybe, if she told Clair, the fear would fade away, or at least she wouldn't have to deal with it right now. She would just have to say part of it, and maybe that would be enough. One way or another, she couldn't risk a repeat of what had happened before.

"She... she said she'd heard rumors that I'd fallen in love, that I'd been acting differently than I usually do. She said everyone was talking about the change."

Clair's heart fell and rose at the same time. On the one hand, there was the hope that Nel could be in love with her, and on the other was the fear that she had fallen in love with another, like Albel, who, though she'd long hated the man, had traveled with them through much of their ordeal. Then came curiosity. She wondered what about love could have driven her old friend to such a state.

"Nel..." she started, her expression becoming visibly confused, "why is that so disturbing to you? There's nothing wrong with being in love. I..." Clair's voice shook slightly, but she took a breath and steadied herself, "It isn't Albel, is it?"

Nel fixed an outraged stare on her gray-haired companion, which actually relieved some of Clair's concern. If the spy had calmed down enough to be outraged at the suggestion, that was definitely an improvement.

"Please, my friend, don't ever even suggest that again," the redhead was both sickened and pained by the idea, and wondered where her friend could possibly have gotten that idea. The question distracted her from her turmoil for a moment, but it came crashing back in seconds, along with a realization.

'How much would it hurt her if I did love someone else? If I came home one day and told her I loved someone else, what would she do?' She scoffed to herself. 'More than likely, she'd be true to her nature and say she was happy for me. But what would really be going on? I know that if she ever loved anyone else, I'd be...'

The Crimson Blade felt her eyes widening involuntarily. She didn't want to deal with this, with her heart, or with her emotions, but here in Clair's embrace she couldn't keep running. She had to find a way to face this, to make her friend understand.

'My spirit would be crushed if she loved another, but that is a small price to pay. The cost of the other option is far too high. I have no right to ask that of her. Better she find someone else than face what would inevitably happen otherwise.'

Her earlier agony came rushing back in full force, and her body shook under the onslaught of emotion. Clair held onto her when she would have bolted, despite how much stronger the warrior-spy was. She was counting on the fact that Nel would never risk hurting her, even in the state she was in, and she was right. The small, muscular woman went slack in her grip before long, crying into her tunic.

"Shh, Nel. I've got you. What has you so terrified? You were about to tell me before, so please, tell me now. I need to know as much as I think you need to say it. You know I won't judge you or let you suffer like this any longer. Let me in."

Nel took a ragged breath, knowing she had to do this now, while she still could. It would hurt beyond measure, but that was a far better option than the alternative, as far as she was concerned.

"Clair... there's only one person I could ever be in love with. Only one person in my life who I care enough about and am close enough to to allow inside my heart, who I cannot fight against. You've been there for and with me through so much, and seen everything inside me without judging, and I... I think..."

She took a deep breath, trying to say the words that could damn them both, trying to find a way to protect Clair from fate.

"I think I might have fallen in love with you long ago, without even realizing it. I've spent so long believing that I'm immune to the vagaries of the heart that I am, except where you're concerned. You, who of all the people in this world and every other has the power to touch my heart, are the one person I could never resist, the one I could never fight against. You've seen _me_, not the person everyone else does. And I... I love you for it, and there's nothing I can do to stop it. I love you, and if I'm not much mistaken, I've fallen in love with you. I've never felt for anyone what I feel for you."

The runologist stopped breathing, and time seemed to freeze around her as she was caught between two extremes of emotion and thought. Those words were everything she could have ever hoped for from Nel, everything she had ever dreamed of and had not dared imagine hearing. But what frightened her was the fear, anger, and pain that accompanied those words. Never had she known Nel to be so afraid or hurt by anything, much less something as good as loving someone.

"Why are you so afraid, Nel? You know I love you, so it can't be that I would turn you away. Why are you so frightened by your own heart? Your love is more than I ever thought I could have, and yet... you seem to think it's the greatest of sins."

The spy shook her head violently. Her friend didn't understand yet, but she would. Part of her still longed to fight her way out of those warm arms and run as fast as she could from everything, but she knew she could never bear intentionally harming Clair. She would just have to make her understand.

"You should turn me away, Clair. You should travel as far away from me as you can, as quickly as you can," she replied, half angry, half miserable, "Don't you see? It is the greatest of sins, not because you are a woman, or a soldier, or anything else. It's because it's me. If it were another who loved you, it would be just fine, but for me... it is a curse, one that I couldn't bear to see fall on you!"

Clair's pale brown eyes widened. She had never imagined it was possible for one person to hold so much emotion at once and not die, simply because it was entirely too much. It was obvious to her that whatever she was talking about, Nel had struggled with it for a long, long time, and it was equally obvious that it had taken a massive toll on her. She didn't know how yet, but she would find a way to make things easier, to make them better, for her redheaded love. First, though, she would have to find out what was wrong.

"What curse, Nel? How could a gift as wonderful as your heart be a curse? You're right that I don't understand, but I want to. Explain it to me."

"I..."

Nel choked on her voice, trying to force it past the tears that spilled down her face. She felt so vulnerable. Here she was, in Clair's lap, in her arms, being bound there by the other woman's strength and her own heart, with no escape from the truth, and the pain that would come with it.

"It is a curse, my dear friend. It's a terrible curse that I will not see you touched by! Don't you see! Everyone I love dies! My parents, my family, any who I dared to love suffer and die terrible deaths! I won't see that happen to you! I can't! You have to live! I can't let you die because of me!"

The Secret Legion leader was all but hysterical now, her voice just below a primal scream of pain and despair. To see her friend's spirit breaking under the burden she carried almost completely overwhelmed Clair. She couldn't imagine feeling the weight of such a thing, to be afraid that her love would be the cause of someone's death. She knew her spirit would die if anything happened to Nel, and she knew the same was true for the spy, but to think that simply loving someone would cause his or her death was almost incomprehensible.

"Oh, Nel," she whispered sadly, rocking her crying friend as her own tears fell from her face, "what a terrible thing to think. I can't imagine what that must have been like for you, to think that loving someone would kill them. I can see now why you were driven to the lengths you were in the Arena and... and I can see why you might thing it better to die or to make me leave you before something terrible happened, but..." she paused, tilting the round face up so green and brown eyes met, "...but I can promise you that it's not your fault. There's no curse attached to your love, to your heart. You may or may not have been aware of it, but you said you think you've loved me for a long time, and I'm not dead."

Nel seemed almost beyond reason, and she was terrified that she wouldn't be able to reach her through her fear and despair. She brought all of her formidable will and strength to bear, her eyes reaching into Nel's, trying to find some way to make her see.

"When I think back, I find that I've loved you for as long as I can remember, Nel, and I'm so scared that I might lose you to a mission, a battle, or even to yourself, but I've never stopped loving you. Nothing could ever do that. I need you, Nel. I need you in my life. I don't care about any risks there might be, but I assure you, my death due to your love is not one of them."

If she were anyone else, Clair probably would have started to panic or become hysterical herself, but she wasn't. She stayed as calm as possible, because she knew that was what her dear friend needed right now. She could tell that words alone wouldn't reach her, and could think of one other way to get her point across, but questioned whether or not she had the right, much less the nerve, to actually go through with it.

'Do I have any choice? I certainly can't leave her like this, and I can't think of any other way to get her attention, but is that because it's what I want to do more than anything? Am I just taking advantage of her?'

The runologist shook her head. She knew better. Nel had already said she loved her, so this, in theory, should be a good thing, and she couldn't think of anything else because there weren't any other options.

"Forgive me, Nel. I can't let this take you from me, even if you truly are angry with me after this. I love you, and I need you here with me," she whispered.

With a sigh, she leaned down, her lips sliding to whisper in Nel's ear.

"I love you, Nel, and I'm not afraid of dying if I can be with you, but I swear to you, if and when I do die, it will not be your fault. You've given me more than I dared to hope for. Now, let me try to return the favor."

She moved the rest of the way down, tracing the redhead's jawbone with her lips before pressing them to Nel's in a soft, but passionate kiss. It was the first time she had kissed anyone, and she didn't know what she was doing, but instinct and need guided her when she felt her companion begin to respond. This first kiss went on for an indefinable amount of time before they separated, but when they did, the spy wasn't shaking or hysterical anymore. For a long moment, she just sat in mute shock, then a slow smile spread across her face.

"Clair... you kissed me..."

At another time, she might have chastised herself for the stupidity and obviousness of the comment, but right now, she was too busy reeling between her hysterical, unreasoning state and the immense warmth and pleasure the kiss had caused. As with Clair, it was her first kiss, and a soft blush lit her face as she thought about it. She hadn't ever imagined anything could feel so wonderful, much less something as simple as that almost chaste kiss. Her companion's pale face was also red, and her smile widened when she noticed the sweet, shy expression on Clair's gentle face.

"I did. You wouldn't listen to me, so I thought I should just show you how I felt rather than try to tell you. I'm sorry I couldn't get your permission, but I..." the blush deepened, "I needed you here, all of you. You had lost yourself in fear, and I couldn't let you stay lost. I'm so glad I was able to get you back."

"Whatever your reasons," the spy replied softly, her face softening into a gentle, loving expression that took Clair's breath away, "I'm glad you did. I've... I've never felt anything like that."

"Neither have I," the now brightly blushing commander whispered. She knew it wasn't done, that they both had things that needed to be said, demons that needed to be fought, but this moment was too perfect to ruin with that. Right now, she wanted to bask in the warmth of the knowledge that she was loved by the only person whose heart she'd ever wanted or needed.

Nel smiled more broadly, resting her head on Clair's tearstained tunic. She was emotionally exhausted, the rampant emotions she had been faced with in a very short period taking their toll on her energy reserves. She could fight enemies all day, but to be forced to struggle with such opposite extremes of emotion all at once was more than she could tolerate. Her runologist smiled at seeing the clear fatigue in the green eyes.

"Rest, Nel. I'll wake you should Fayt come, or if anything else comes up. I'll be here when you wake up, regardless. We'll talk more when you're feeling less worn down."

The warrior smiled up at the taller woman, who was still holding her tightly. She didn't want to sleep and wake up to find that this had been a dream, that she would have to go through all of this again, but she knew she'd be no good to anyone as tired as she was, least of all Clair. Today had been a day of awakenings and now, despite everything that awaited her, she felt free at last, and said the only thing that mattered now.

"I love you, Clair. I want you be sure of that. I know there's much we need to discuss, but right now, I need to rest, then we have to get the Sacred Orb and face the Creator. When this is all over, we'll talk... about everything."

Clair nodded, finding herself surprised and immensely pleased when Nel leaned up and kissed her before resting against her again and falling asleep. She laid back, watching the much loved face relax fully in sleep, thinking of the days before Nel and the others had needed to go fight again, and of the last night, when Nel had come into her room after a talk with Fayt about what they would be doing the next day when they left. That night, Nel had been torn between wanting to stay and needing to go fight the evils that threatened, and she had sought comfort in her arms. They had slept together before then, but it was the first time since before the war that her friend had smiled as she had then.

(**Flashback**)

She was working on one of her many reports when her door opened, but she didn't have to look up to see who had come into her room. Only one person would be comfortable enough to enter unannounced, or be so silent coming in. The room seemed just a little brighter, a little warmer now, and she was filled with a sense of safety and contentment before she even turned around, smiling up at her visitor.

"Hello, Nel. Is everything ready?"

The redhead nodded, then sighed softly. She had an expression on her face that Clair had learned meant she was deciding whether or not to relate something, and she waited patiently for whatever would come next.

"All our plans are set, and our equipment ready. Fayt had some work done on our weapons, and I feel we're as prepared for this as we'll ever be. I just wish this wasn't going to be so difficult. All of us are being forced to find a new way to see our existence. It's... frustrating, at times. All I can do is fight and hope that things will fall into some kind of order. The only times I feel that things are as they should be are when I'm with you."

Clair smiled, reaching out to take Nel's calloused hand.

"That's because they are. You and I are here together, and that is definitely as it should be. Many other things may change, and we may all have to find a way to look at things in a different light, but it will make us stronger in the end. I truly believe that. As long as you and I have each other, there's one thing no one can take away or alter. No one can tell me that you aren't my best and oldest friend, and the same is true for you."

Nel smiled, kneeling so she could be closer to eye level with the seated woman, pushing one of her gray tails out of her face.

"I'm going to miss you a great deal, Clair. Your advice and wisdom has been such a help in getting me through the chaos, and in helping me sort out what's really important. It's been such a wonderful few days, and I regret that they have to end, but... I have to ensure that you and everyone else stays alive. I wish I could find a way to be in two places at once."

The spy said this half in jest, but she was also serious. Clair could see that she truly didn't want to leave, and she could understand why. The foundations of their lives had been ripped away, but, just as she had said, they still had each other. For so long, their lives had been built around the other without them even knowing it, and that, at least, had not changed.

"I do too, and I hate to see you leave again, but I know you'll come back home, and I'll be there waiting for you with open arms."

The pensive expression Nel had worn most of the day lightened, then she suddenly moved forward and embraced her tightly, picking her up in strong arms as if she weighed nothing. She laughed, warmed to her core to see her friend smiling and laughing again.

"Thank you, so much. It's so inadequate, but it'll have to do for now."

The redhead laid them both down on the bed, still smiling. The expression on her face could only be described as innocent pleasure, and it pleased the Shield Legion commander beyond words to see that, and to know she'd caused it. She wrapped herself around Nel's slim, compact form as she had done these last nights, smiling up at her.

"It's so good to see you smiling again, Nel."

The warrior laughed.

"I have a reason to smile, Clair, and a reason to come home as quickly as possible. You've given me so much already, and you keep giving me more. I am forever in your debt."

The runologist shook her head.

"You owe me nothing, Nel. Your friendship is more than reward enough."

Her warrior laughed once more, reaching out to extinguish the lamp, still wearing her innocent grin.

(**Flashback**)

Clair smiled at the memory, stroking the soft red hair. She knew that when everything was over, she and Nel had much they would have to deal with before they could truly be free to explore the love between them, but for now, it was enough to be here with the woman she loved more than life and bask in the twin beating of their hearts. It was more than she had dreamed possible by far, and now that she had something she hadn't known she could have, nothing could possibly force her to let go. It would take nothing short of the complete destruction of her spirit and body to tear her from Nel's side now, and that, she decided, was just as it should be.

**Author's Note:** I don't usually bother with one of these at the end, but in case anyone is wondering, I WILL explain why Clair was in Aquios in the next chapter. I do all things for a reason, and she's not there randomly or just because I decided she should be. There are logical reasons for pretty much everything in my writing.


	11. Questions, Answers, and Departure

Disclaimers: I don't own the rights to Star Ocean: Till the End of Time, or its characters. I'm making no profit from this piece of fiction, unless you count my enjoyment and the enjoyment of others. There's nothing to be gained from suing me.

I want to thank all of you who've reviewed this story, and to give a very special thanks to Catfish Tango, whose support, advice, and suggestions have helped this fic become so much more than it would have been. Writing is my passion, my love, and my life, but sometimes I have a really hard time focusing, and I have to deal with writer's block. Thanks to Catfish Tango, all of you who consistently review, and those who are new to Two Soldiers, I haven't given up on this, and have actually gotten much farther than I thought I'd be able to for a while. Please keep reviewing and offering suggestions, and I'll keep doing my best to make this worthwhile. I apologize for the relative shortness of this chapter, but I've been having a hellish time writing lately. I've just got too much going on at the moment, I guess.

I was asked by several people why Clair was in Aquios, and I will address that. One person thought it would have been better to have someone else comfort her and give her something to come home to tell Clair about, but you have to remember that she fights tooth and nail NOT to be in love with her best friend. No one else would do. I know it wouldn't for me. I'm sure you're glad to see them together finally, just keep in mind there's a lot they need to work through. It's not over yet, by any means. It's just not that simple. I wouldn't be a good writer if I left it at that. It's not realistic, at least not to me. I've been in love once. It was in no way easy.

And in case you're not already sick of my ramblings, I wanted to add that I'm totally open to suggestions. I just want you to be aware that while I won't always follow up on them, I always take them seriously and consider them before deciding whether or not to use them.

ALL that said (is it me, or are my notes getting longer? Actually, don't answer that...), read and review. The more reviews I get, the sooner the next chapter comes. If there are any other fandoms you want me to write, take a look at my profile for a list of those I'm interested in.

Two Soldiers: Fire and Ice Chapter 11: Questions, Answers, Discussion, and Departure 

Nel shot upright, forcing back a cry of despair. She ran a hand through her red hair, finding herself gasping for breath. Tears fell from burning green eyes, and her strong body shook. For a few minutes, all she was aware of was the lingering screams in her mind, and she stared at her hands, expecting to see blood covering them. Her nightmare had seemed so real, and it had been so vivid that she still wasn't sure it hadn't happened. She finally got up the nerve to look to her side, pleading with any power in the universe that she wouldn't be alone. Sure enough, Clair was there, her gray hair untied and strewn across her pillow, her pale skin glowing softly in the firelight.

'Gods... how long was I asleep? It couldn't have been long... It's still dark outside and the fire is still burning fairly high.'

The spy sighed. The night before had been chaotic and draining in the extreme, and that nightmare hadn't helped any. She had been forced to watch her beloved best friend be tortured and killed, and she hadn't been able to do anything for her. Clair had been watching her with those beautiful, trusting brown eyes, and her expression as she'd died was one of disappointment, hate, and anger, horrible things to see on such kind features, but Nel could understand. She had trusted the Crimson Blade to protect her, and she hadn't. That was unforgivable.

'I can't believe I told her I loved her... I don't want to lose her too. I've already lost so much, and it would kill me if she wasn't in my life, but there are fates worse than death, and living with the knowledge that I'd failed her is one of those. I know what she said, but how can she be sure? Everyone else I've ever loved has been killed. Who's to say that she won't be too?'

Anger burned fiercely inside her at the mere thought of someone taking her Clair away from her, and her eyes blazed, even as her heart pounded with remembered terror. She knew all the anger in the galaxy might not be enough to save her friend, and she was hard pressed not to just bolt out of bed and get as far from the beautiful runologist as she could, or get into as many fights as her body could stand. The only thing keeping her in place was the knowledge that her friend would want her to stay, to talk about what was wrong instead of running.

'I have to be strong for her. I can't be weak. There's no time to be weak anymore. She knows now, and there's nothing I can do to change that. I'll just have to find a way to make sure that she stays safe.'

She thought about getting up to work out some of the lingering pain, tension, and fear that her nightmare had left with her, but just as she was about to do just that, Clair grumbled, still very much asleep, her face tightening with something like displeasure, and she reached out, one hand touching the redhead's thigh. With a sigh, Nel laid back, her friend immediately shifting closer and wrapping herself around the smaller woman, murmuring contentedly. That was enough to bring a smile to her face, and she wrapped her own arms around the runologist, feeling the life flowing through the familiar form.

'I can see now why I couldn't help but fall in love with you, Clair. You're everything I'm not, my balance, my other half, and just being with you is enough to fill my life with joy and light. I just wish I knew you would be safe. I can't lose you, ever.'

The spy buried her face in Clair's soft neck, inhaling deeply. Her companion's skin and hair smelled pleasant and clean, warming her inside and further calming her shaky nerves. She let herself just lay like that for a time, unable to sleep, but unwilling to risk disturbing the other woman's rest. She finally managed to think about something that wasn't related to her nightmare or her worries about what her love for Clair might cause, and something occurred to her as very strange, something that all the chaos and turmoil of the previous night had made her completely overlook.

'What in the name of all that's good is she even doing here? I don't mind in the least, since it's always good to see her, and I highly doubt anyone else could have calmed my spirit before I did something foolish, but how did she come to be in Aquios? She's supposed to be in Arias. She didn't say anything to me about coming here when I spoke to her, so I wonder what happened. It seems strange that she was here just in time, though that always seems to be the case with Clair and I. She's always there when I need her most.'

She knew answers would have to wait until Clair was awake, so she forced herself to take some deep breaths and calm herself. Before long, she was drifting off again, her fears soothed by the living warmth she could feel radiating from her bedmate. Nel finally managed to fall asleep, lulled by the runologists slow, steady pulse and breathing. When she woke again, it was to the first light of dawn, and the woman holding her was just beginning to stir, which was what had most likely brought her out of sleep.

'Gods, she's beautiful...' was the first thing that came to mind when sleep-fogged, pale brown eyes met her green, and a slow, loving smile spread across the taller runologist's face. She had long been aware of Clair's beauty, but now, seeing her with eyes and spirit freed from her self-imposed illusions and restraints, she could see so much more. The first rays of the sun graced the milky skin with infinite care and grace, highlighting the natural elegance of her body and features.

"Good morning, Nel. How did you sleep?"

The redhead realized she was returning the smile in equal measure, completely without intending to, and didn't even bother to try to hide or suppress it. Clair deserved her honesty in all things, especially her words and emotions. Despite her still very real fears, doubts, and reservations, she refused to conceal her emotions the way she had been. That had lead to several near disasters, and she absolutely would not put them through that again, especially not without good reason.

"I slept just fine after I woke up the first time."

The Shield Legion commander frowned, her face becoming concerned.

"Did you have nightmares again?"

As a soldier, nightmares were almost an inevitable part of life, but they both knew she had been faced with more than her share of them. They were both also very aware that Nel, for all her bravado and her very real abilities, was very sensitive, even fragile.

"I did, but after what happened last night, I'm not surprised. I wasn't expecting to be faced with so many different emotions and situations in such a short period. Last night forced me to look at things that I've been fighting to keep hidden for years, so it seems only logical that I would have to see the things I fear as much as the other, more positive things. I don't like it, and it was not a pleasant experience in the least, but..."

The gray-haired runologist shook her head. Nel was shaking in her arms, and she could tell her beloved was close to bolting. The commander was determined not to give her the chance to, subtly tightening her arms, stroking her back. The long tunic she wore was crumpled, the belt loose, and she wondered just how bad the nightmare had been to make the warrior visibly skittish. She knew she could just ask, but wondered how honest the response would be.

'She said she loves me, and she's been through so much. She really does believe that everyone she loves is going to die because of her. Gods, she looked so upset when she said it. That's probably what she was dreaming about...'

Pale brown eyes met and bored into the familiar green, and Nel knew exactly what she was about to be asked, and Clair knew she knew. It gave her a minute to decide whether or not to relate the entirety of her dream. The runologist would be able to see right through her if she lied or left anything out, and she really didn't want to fight with the taller woman. Right now, Clair was the only being in the universe who could calm the storms raging inside her, and she desperately needed that. Her heart had opened itself, and the walls she had spent years perfecting and strengthening had crumbled. Her emotions were open and raw, and she knew better than to think that getting into any kind of argument with the person who had both caused and healed the gaping wounds in her heart and spirit wouldn't help anything.

"What was the dream about, specifically? Nightmares are never anything good, but I can see you're upset, and I hate seeing you like this. You get so tense and hurt after the really bad ones. Please, just talk to me. I love you, remember?"

The spy smiled weakly, reaching out to brush thick gray hair out of the gentle face, away from the sweet eyes. There was nothing she could say or do to resist that, and a large part of her just didn't want to. That part wanted to tell Clair everything, and it was quickly gaining strength in its battle against the other factions in her mind. With a sigh, she leaned down, laying her ear against her friend's beating heart, knowing that hearing the steady rhythm was the only way she'd be able to bear reliving her dream.

"We were patrolling when… something knocked us both out. I woke up and found that we were chained together. You… you were conscious by then. Apparently our assailants administered more of whatever drug they used to incapacitate us to me. They unchained us both within moments of my awakening, but… but before I could do anything, one had a knife to your throat… and any time I made any move that so much as looked aggressive, they'd cut you."

Nel closed her eyes against the remembered fear and helplessness. The image of Clair's blood spilling down her pale throat made her eyes burn and her heart pound.

"I… I couldn't do anything. They tortured both of us, then… then they went after you, just you… They forced me to watch you suffer... The one time I was able to get close to you, they started cutting into your neck again. I... I stopped. You were bleeding so much… I pleaded with them not to kill you..."

Nel paused, taking a much needed moment to listen to the steady heartbeat and breathe deeply to calm her own. Her companion could feel how upset and tense she was and wrapped her body more tightly around the compact, muscular form. Brown eyes watched tears form and threaten to spill out of green gems, and their owner sighed softly, stroking the bright red hair, but saying nothing.

"You were watching me, Clair. You looked at me with such trust. You were so sure I'd find a way to save you, but I… I couldn't. There was nothing I could do. I just stood there as they tortured you to death... The last thing I saw was you… you were looking at me with such disappointment, such... hate."

"Oh, Nel," she whispered softly, pressing her lips briefly into the soft hair, "I could never hate you. I love you, regardless of what may happen. Don't forget that, ever. I trust you with everything I am, and I would never blame you for my death. Please don't cry any more. Try to trust me. I won't let anything come between us again. I'll protect you as best as I can, as I've always known you would me. I just want to love you, to be loved by you. There's nothing else that matters right now, much less nightmares. I promise you, Nel, there's nothing that could ever make me hate you."

The Crimson Blade sighed, absorbing the comfort she so desperately needed like a sponge. She could still hear the echoes of the screams in her mind, both her own and Clair's, still feel the blood covering her hands when she tried to cover her wounds and stop the bleeding. Her nightmare had seemed so real, but under her beloved friend's calm, gentle guidance, it started to fade away.

"Nel, I would have given anything to find that you loved me. Now that I have that, I won't give it up. I've loved you for so long, I don't know how to do anything else, but I welcome the chance to learn what it's like to have your heart. I don't care what happens, as long as I get that chance. Please, don't take that away from me. It's the one thing I ask of you: give us both the chance to enjoy this, to feel it at all. We've earned it, don't you think?"

Nel smiled faintly, looking into soft eyes. The words had touched her heart, and she knew she couldn't help but listen to the sense in them. There was a part of her that was still utterly amazed that Clair was in love with her, and that was the part she wanted to bask in right now.

"You're right, Clair, of course. I'll try to remember. I just... don't want to lose you. I can't. You're everything that makes this life worth living, that makes all the fighting, the pain, the despair worth it. Losing you would make my life meaningless."

"You won't. No matter what happens, my spirit will always be with you, and my heart will be yours. Trust me. Trust yourself."

The spy stroked the silky gray hair, needing to touch the taller woman in some way. Her heart pounded, not from fear this time, but from the memory of the kiss they had shared the night before. That alone made her want to let go and lose herself in Clair, but she knew she couldn't. She had to go with the others to fight the Creator, and she knew her own struggles weren't over yet. She would have to protect Clair from whatever came, be it an enemy nation or monsters, or anything else.

'I'm so tired of being afraid,' she found herself thinking as her hand ran through the gray mass, 'I've never been one for fear or cowardice, so why have I started now, with her? Why is the one person who could possibly love me for all that I am, the one person I could ever even consider loving, the only person who can cause me so much fear and doubt? It doesn't seem fair to either of us. If she hadn't been here to calm my emotions...'

For the second time, Nel became aware of the oddness of her friend's presence. She had been in no state to wonder about it before, but now she had herself under control, for the most part, and could think fairly clearly. There was no reason she could think of for Clair to be in Aquios. As far as she knew, the Shield Legion commander didn't have any reports or duties that would take her this far, and she could think of no other reason the runologist would be this far from Arias.

"Clair, what are you doing here?"

Pale brown eyes blinked, their owner coming up out of a slight daze. Clair had been enjoying the soft stroking of her hair, and had let herself relax under the tender touch. Nel's question brought her back to the now, and she wondered where it had come from.

"I slept here, remember? Or are you wondering why I'm in Aquios, not in Arias?"

The redhead smiled to herself. The teasing comment had done exactly what it was supposed to do, but the other woman's response was serious.

"Why you're here. I can't think of any reason you would be here. I mean, it seems kind of convenient that you would show up just when I needed you the most."

A gray eyebrow rose slightly.

"Do you not want me here?" Clair asked, half teasing, half serious, "Because I can leave. I know there's a lot going on right now."

Before the runologist could move more than a little away from her, Nel pulled her back, unable to resist wrapping her arms around the taller woman. She wasn't ready to let go yet, and if Clair's little smile and relieved sigh were any indication, she wasn't either. There was something so warm and comforting about being in bed together, wrapped in each other's arms, that neither woman could find anywhere else.

"Of course I want you here, Clair. I..." Nel sighed softly, struggling to get the words out after such a long time hiding from them as best she could, knowing they needed to be said, "...I love you. I want you to be wherever you're happiest, where you're safest. I just wanted to know how you came to be here in time to keep me from doing something foolish."

"I see, and I can understand why you'd wonder. I would be surprised that you hadn't asked earlier, but I know you probably wouldn't have thought of it until now. You had other things you needed to deal with. To answer your question, it so happens that we both have your friend Mirage to thank for my arrival."

(**Flashback**)

Clair strode through the gates of Peterny, headed for the market. She had just finished a patrol, and was badly in need of some fresh supplies. Her runology was stronger than ever, but so were the beasts she was fighting. Her strength was almost exhausted, and she knew there was no way she could get back to Arias in the state she was in. She bought some berries and walked around, speaking to several merchants about the possibilities of trading for building materials they needed when she noticed a somewhat familiar blonde coming toward her.

"Lady Clair, right?"

The woman in the strange blue uniform was one of Nel's new companions, one of Cliff and Fayt's friends. For a moment, she couldn't remember her name, then recalled it, relieved. She was usually very good with names, but lately, she'd had a difficult time remembering some things. She attributed it to the stress of what was going on in the galaxy, and with Nel.

"Mirage, correct? Is there something I can help you with? Are the others here?"

The blonde shook her head.

"No, Lady Clair, I'm alone. I was with the others in Aquios Castle. We're preparing to leave tomorrow morning, but we may be in need of some help."

The milky skin paled further. There was only one reason any of that group would come looking for help from her. She just hoped it wasn't anything horrible. She couldn't bear to lose Nel, especially not now. They were getting closer, the bond between them stronger.

"Did something happen to Nel!"

Mirage shrugged, her face just shy of cold. Her expression was cool and controlled, but she was somewhat relieved to see genuine concern in the sharp blue eyes.

"I'm not completely sure. You're a friend of Nel Zelpher's, as I understand it, so I thought you might be the best person to talk to. I'm grateful to have been able to find you so quickly, actually. I was walking by your Castle's Great Chapel when Nel walked out, looking rather upset. Fayt came out a short time later, and expressed concern for her. Apparently something happened or was said that greatly upset her, and he was worried because she had seemed somewhat unstable. I took it upon myself to find you, as I had the greatest chance of getting to Arias quickly. I'm pleased I didn't have to go that far."

Clair stared at her for a long moment. The few times she had spoken to the woman, Mirage hadn't seemed inclined to long speeches, and that one had been rather odd. Nonetheless, she pushed the distracting thoughts to the back of her mind. They weren't what was important now. All that mattered was making sure that Nel was okay.

"I'll go to Aquios to check on Nel. Better I do it than anyone else, anyway. She trusts me, no matter how 'unstable' she gets. I can't say the same for anyone else. I don't know how quickly I can be there given how many beasts stand between towns these days, but I have to try."

Mirage nodded, her shoulders relaxing slightly, and Clair realized that while she may seem harsh and cold, the woman seemed to care for those she fought with, Nel included. She was glad that someone who was obviously strong and capable was with those going to battle the Creator. The stronger those with her friend were, the more likely it was that Nel would get out of it all alive.

"I'll escort you. It'll be faster, as I can help you avoid many of the enemies, and can fight off any who might get in our way. The sooner we get back, the better."

Pale eyes narrowed thoughtfully as they hurried towards the north gate, towards Aquios. Mirage may have been concerned for Nel, as indicated by her appearance here, but it seemed that now there was something, or someone, pulling her back. In the few moments she wasn't fighting or worrying about her redheaded warrior, Clair wondered just what, or who, might have so captured the blonde fighter.

(**Flashback**)

"Mirage got me here with little trouble. She really is an admirable fighter, though not nearly as capable and wonderful to watch as you. And you're much more beautiful than she is."

Nel blushed faintly at the comparison. She knew Mirage was considered beautiful by many, though she held no attraction for her, and being told she was more beautiful than her comrade was embarrassing, especially when it came in Clair's voice, backed by admiration, warmth, and love. She knew that while her companion was being sincere, she had intended to make the redhead relax and smile, and it had worked perfectly.

"Well, I'll have to remember to thank her, then. She brought you here safely, and I'm incredibly grateful. I may not be completely sure it's safe for me to love you, but I do know that you're the only person who could have possibly made things right again last night."

It was the pale woman's turn to turn red, and the warrior laughed softly. She loved making Clair blush. It lit up the milk-white skin, highlighting her natural, elegant beauty. That, and it was very cute, not that she would ever admit to thinking it.

"I'm glad I could help," the runologist said softly, still blushing slightly, "I hate seeing you hurt. And just for the record, I think I'm quite safe loving you. It's all I could have ever asked of my life, and when I do die, it won't be in any way your fault. Death is just the necessary end to life. We've both faced it together, countless times. Why would now be any different?"

"Because I have even more to lose now!" the fiery redhead responded passionately, "I can't lose the only person I could ever imagine giving my heart to, Clair! I've lost everyone else who I dared let in, and losing you..."

"But you loved me before this didn't you?"

Before Nel could answer, the commander went on.

"Those times when you protected me, when you risked your own life to protect mine, were they nothing more than friendship? I don't think so. I've wondered since you came back from the dead... since that time, what would drive you to such lengths, and while I dared not hope you would love me as I did you, I was sure that you loved me on some level or another. Then I wondered how long you had. I'm not dead yet, am I?"

Nel sighed, and Clair could tell she didn't fully accept what she'd said just by the skeptical expression on the round face. She knew they wouldn't be able to discuss it further when a knock came from the door, and Cliff's voice drifted through it.

"Nel, we'll be leaving soon. If you're not up yet, I suggest you hurry. We have half an hour at most, then we're outta here. Don't know if Fayt's gonna wanna wait that long, though."

The commander smiled when the Crimson Blade's expression became annoyed and irritable, but it faded when her friend rose from the bed, heading for her dresser to find a clean tunic and the armor she'd set aside the previous day. To her surprise, the redhead didn't give her any warning before undoing the wide belt at her waist and pulling off the long tunic from the day before. She wanted to turn away out of respect for Nel, but her body refused to pay her mind any heed, her eyes tracing the powerful figure while Nel muttered to herself.

"Don't even have time to bathe. The stupidity of men. They could have come by earlier. Now where is that... ah!"

The exclamation came when she found the padding for her armor, which had somehow slipped off the dresser, but it startled the still fixated Clair. The spy turned and noticed the reclining woman's rapt attention and smiled, managing not to blush by force of will. The pale brown eyes couldn't seem to pull themselves away from her body, and she wondered if her friend had always looked at her that way and she hadn't noticed. As she thought about it, her clothes mostly forgotten in her hands, she realized that Clair had always made a point of turning away when she changed, staring at the wall or whatever else was in the room, never looking at her. The expression on the taller woman's face gave her courage she otherwise wouldn't have dreamed of having, and she grinned broadly.

"Is something wrong, Clair?"

The runologist blinked, then blushed darkly, rolling over to stare at the wall.

"Gods, Nel, I apologize for being so rude. I should have... I shouldn't have just... I'm so sorry!"

Nel laughed to herself, getting dressed and going back over to the bed, sitting down next to the babbling commander. She tugged one of her shoulders until Clair was facing her again, her pale skin still bright red. A strong hand stroked the soft skin, caressing the beautiful gray hair. The spy wondered what she could say to help, and found herself wishing, for perhaps the first time, that another being could hear her innermost thoughts. She wouldn't have to explain everything. Clair would just _know_ that everything was fine. She seemed to sometimes, anyway. Still, she knew it wasn't that simple, and resolved to find the words.

"It's fine, my friend. I honestly don't mind you watching me. If it were anyone else, I would likely hurt them, but I... I trust you more than anyone. I know that when you watch me, it's not for any sick, perverted reasons. I know you love me, and that makes everything okay. And... And I love you. The way you look at me makes it so much easier to say those words, because it reminds me that I don't have to be afraid of losing you due to rejection. You make me feel beautiful, strong, and capable of doing anything. It's an amazing feeling, Clair. Believe me when I say it's not something I would object to."

The runologist stared at her, her blush fading slightly.

"You really mean that, don't you? Thank you, Nel. I'm glad I didn't upset you. I didn't mean to stare, but I just... I couldn't take my eyes off you."

"I could see that," Nel replied with a grin, her green eyes bright, "and it made me feel wonderful. Don't ever worry about upsetting me. You never could."

Another knock on the door intruded on their door, and Nel sighed softly, looking into Clair's eyes, wanting nothing more than to stay here forever and never need to face the world again, but she knew better. She had to protect this dimension, video game or not. This was where Clair lived, after all. It was her home.

"I need to be going, but I promise you, Clair, I'll come back. When I do, we can... discuss what we should do. I don't want to lose you to my nightmares, or the curse that follows me. For now, though, I leave you with my promise, and my heart."

Tears formed in Clair's eyes, but she smiled through them. Nel, when she chose to be, could be very romantic, regardless of her tough warrior exterior.

"I love you too, Nel. Go on and fight the Creator."

She paused, then finished her thought, needing to say it before the spy walked out the door.

"Then come home to me. I don't care what it takes, Nel. I won't give up on you. I love you with all that I am, and I won't lose you to anything. Just... don't take too long. I already miss you and you haven't even gone yet. Just… please, please be careful. This being is powerful enough to create us, and I don't want him getting a chance to wipe you out of existence. I love you so much, and I won't rest soundly until I have you in my arms again. Don't let him kill you. My spirit will be with you through it all. I only hope it's enough…"

The Secret Legion leader had turned back to face her when she had continued speaking, but had frozen at her words and the tears that trickled down her face. The redhead abruptly decided that for one moment more, she would ignore the world, ignore her duty in favor of this one pressing concern.

"Clair..."

She strode rapidly to the taller woman, who rose to meet her, wrapping her in a tight embrace. They kissed with a passion unleashed by the imminent departure, both trying to convey the feelings and thoughts they didn't have time to put into words yet. It was only their second 'real' kiss, as neither woman counted the chaste one Nel had given Clair as she was drifting off to sleep, but the need that had provoked it served as a guide, and it took all of Nel's considerable will to drag herself out of Clair's arms. Her voice, when she spoke, was raw with emotion, and her eyes burned into the runologist's spirit.

"I'll be back, Clair. By all the good that's left in the universe, I'll come home to you. Your spirit has kept me alive so far, and I don't see that changing, Creator or not. As long as you keep calling me home, I'll come back. No one is going to take me from you, or you from me. Not even some damn pompous Creator who thinks we're his playthings. He's going to die for threatening you."

Green eyes flashed, confidence and strength pouring off the warrior in waves. Clair's need and love were reason enough to fight and live. She would not die, no matter who she was fighting. She had to protect Clair from anything that would harm her, including the curse that dogged her steps.

"I promise you, Clair, as long as I have a home to come back to, as long as you need me here, here is where I'll come. I will not let anything hurt you. I will not let him make you suffer. Rest easy, Clair Lasbard, the core of everything good and right in my universe. I'm coming home."

She forced herself to go to the door once again, but couldn't help but turn back one more time. The gray-haired runologist was still frozen in place where she'd left her, tears streaming down her face. Nel knew her expression showed far more than she normally would have allowed, but this wasn't a normal situation. She knew there was one thing left to be said, and it was up to her to say it.

"I'll see you again soon... my love."

Then she was gone, leaving her beloved to pull herself together, wrapped in the warmth and security of Nel's love, the fiery aftermath of their kiss, and the memory of the painfully tender expression that had been on the warrior's face as she said her good-bye.


	12. A Reason to Believe in Reality

Disclaimers: I don't own the rights to Star Ocean: Till the End of Time, and I make no profit off this story. Suing me would be a waste of time and money, so don't.

First off, I want to suggest you all read the fic written by Catfish Tango if you like this one. It's being written with my complete approval and support, and those of you who like Two Soldiers will likely enjoy that one too.

Second, I know this chapter has been a long time in coming, but Chapter 11 just didn't get enough reviews. If you want more, review. If not, I'll probably take forever to write the next chapter. Your choice. If you want me to write other fandoms, let me know about that too. There's a list of ones I might want to do in my profile.

This chapter has some spoilers for the ending, just so you all know. If you haven't played it yet and want it to be a surprise, hurry up and do so so you can read this, or just deal with it.

Last, this chapter was hard to write, because for a while I couldn't figure out when it should be set, and what I wanted to do with it, so I decided to do something that was suggested to me in an e-mail and I had been thinking about doing anyway. I decided to bring up a couple I'm kinda interested in, so tell me what you think. More importantly, I'm going back. Here goes.

**Two Soldiers: Fire and Ice**

**Chapter 12: Death of the Creator and a Reason to Believe In Reality**

This was it. This was the end. The Creator was dying before them, but he had done something that was deleting their universe. Nel watched as bit after bit of the Eternal Sphere vanished before her eyes, and wondered where her world was in this strange device. Was it gone already? Was Elicoor gone forever? Was Clair... was Clair gone? Had her beloved been erased already, or was that yet to come? She felt something strange and looked down. Her own body seemed to be glowing and separating, and she found that the others were finding the same happening to them.

"What's happening!"

"We're being deleted," Cliff said softly, watching Fayt and Sophia reassure each other, and Mirage gently touch Maria's shoulder, looking more emotional than she had been in all their adventures under a thin veneer of calm.

"We're dying, then. Being erased from existence, just like everything we hold dear. We were too late."

The big blonde shook his head, but it was the now brightly glowing Maria who answered, a strange look in her blue eyes as she looked at Mirage. It was like she was seeing the other woman for the first time, and the redhead wondered just what had passed between them in those few moments.

"We can fight it. It's like Fayt said. We have to believe. There's no way we could have come this far only to fail. Think of those you love. Remember them as they were. They are our reason to exist, our reality. As long as we remember..."

The Quark leader's voice trailed off, the strangely segmented golden light covering her completely. Mirage nodded as though in reply to an unspoken question.

"...As long as we remember," the blonde woman finished, "we exist."

Nel felt herself separating from her body, her conscious mind floating in nothingness as her body was deleted. At first, she despaired, then a voice came to her from the depths of her memories.

"Don't let him kill you. My spirit will be with you through it all. I only hope it's enough…"

It was the last thing Clair had said to her before she left, and the reminder made her struggle against the approaching oblivion. She had made a promise to protect Clair and return to her. She refused to give up now. She would find a way to get Clair, her home, her life, back. She didn't care what it took. Clair would not be deleted. Clair's home wouldn't be deleted.

'And _I_ will NOT be deleted! I exist! I think for myself, I have a heart and mind and free will! No one will take that, much less her, away from me!'

And so, Nel fought with every ounce of mental strength she could muster. In doing so, she found her mind casting into the past, reliving the memories of meeting the little four-year-old girl that had grown into her beloved.

(**Flashback**)

(**Author's Note**: I once promised myself I would never put one of these in the middle of a story, but I have to warn you that I very, very rarely write children. Just give me some slack here, okay?)

It was her first visit to Castle Aquaria, though she had been to Aquios before. She was in her fourth year, and her father had decided it was time she come with him to the castle. She had been so proud when he told her this, but now she wandered the halls, feeling very much alone. Nel loved her father, but he was a busy man. An official of some kind had called him into some meeting or another, leaving her alone. She was by no means lost, having an amazingly sharp memory for a four-year-old, and knew the layout of the castle, but she didn't know where to go.

"There's nothing to do here..." she muttered to herself. She may have known her way around, but she wasn't completely sure where she was allowed to go and where she wasn't, and she didn't want her father to get in trouble.

'I wish I had stayed home. At least there's someone to play with...'

Just as she thought it, a small form slammed into her from an adjoining hallway, knocking her over. Anger as fiery as her bright head hair flared up, and she jumped to her feet, ready to attack whoever had run into her. To her surprise, her 'attacker' was a small girl around her own age, and she forgot all about the beating she was supposed to be giving when she noticed the girl was hurt.

"Ow... I'm so sorry. I didn't see you there..."

The words spilled out rapidly, and pale brown eyes met her own bright green, begging for forgiveness. Nel smiled warmly, finding herself completely unable to remember to be angry. She kneeled, casting a critical eye on the scrapes caused by the hard stone floor, and the burns from the rugs that covered part of it.

"Those look like they hurt. Are you okay?"

A short tail of gray hair fell across one of the sweet, innocent eyes, and the redheaded child leaned forward, keeping it away from a cut in the other girl's forehead. Her father always said to keep things away from cuts, especially if they were bleeding. It was bad hygiene, he said. She didn't know what that meant, but she did know that hair was really hard to clean out of cuts, and getting blood out of hair wasn't much easier.

"I'm okay," the girl replied softly, smiling up at her. Nel felt her small body warm, and she smiled back. She had never felt like this before in her short years. For the first time, she had met someone who she just couldn't be angry at, and someone who she knew beyond a shadow of a doubt she wanted a friend. It had always taken time for her to warm up to other kids, but not so with this girl.

"We should get those cleaned. My daddy said that dirty cuts are bad for you, that they can make you sick. I hate being sick. It's no fun."

The injured child smiled warmly, her eyes dancing.

"My daddy says that too. But I can't go talk to him to get his help. He's in one of his special meetings."

Nel's eyes widened. If she was very lucky, this girl would be someone she could play with when their fathers were in meetings. The idea made her very happy, but she calmed quickly for once, reaching out to take the other child's hand and help her up.

"Mine is too, but that's okay. I'll take care of you. My daddy showed me how to take care of cuts, because I get a lot of them. I'll take you to our room and make everything better, just like he showed me."

The girl took her hand, straightening her dress as best she could. Nel tilted her head. Most of the children she played with wore pants and tunics, but then, most of those she played with were boys. They would never wear dresses. She never did either, despite the urging of her father. They just got in her way.

"Your dress got all ruined..." she said sadly. It really was pretty, and it looked so nice on the girl.

"That's okay," she replied, giggling, "My daddy never gets mad at me when I rip my clothes. He says it just shows I'm his daughter."

Nel thought this was a strange way to look at it, but she didn't say anything. Adults were strange that way, and anyway, it had just occurred to her that she still didn't know the name of this potential friend. She thought about this as she led her to the room she and her father shared, taking out the special little kit of bandages and cleaning cloths that he had made for her.

"Here. This might hurt a little, but Daddy says they're good for scrapes, and that they kill all the bad things that'll make you sick."

The small girl smiled softly, watching her. She winced a little when the cloths touched her skin, and Nel felt her heart skip a beat and fill with guilt. She may have constantly beaten up the little boys she played and fought with, but she found herself unable to tolerate hurting this frail, pale child. There was just something so different about her, something she couldn't begin to understand.

"I'm sorry," she stammered, her head down, "I... d-don't be mad at me..."

A small, delicate hand brought her chin up so she was looking into understanding brown eyes.

"It's okay. I know these hurt, and you did tell me they would. Don't feel bad. You're helping, remember? I'm not mad."

For the first time, the redhead knew what it felt like to want to trust another person completely. As a rule, she genuinely trusted no one but her own father not to trick her, after a long time of boys who would like little more than to get one up on her. Those pale eyes, though, seemed to look into her and see everything, while at the same time making her feel warm and safe. Somehow she knew the girl would never want to hurt her, and wouldn't lie or trick her. Slightly confused but not sure why, Nel cleaned and bandaged Clair's cuts and scrapes just like her father had shown her, not meeting the other child's eyes. She was already feeling more than she had in her short years, and her young mind had no way to comprehend those feelings.

"There," she said softly, looking at the other child's dress-clad knees, "That's all of them."

She suddenly remembered something her father did sometimes when she hurt herself really badly, and leaned forward, brushing her lips against the bandaged cut on the pale girl's forehead.

"All better."

The milk-white skin tinted pink, which made Nel blush too. Instead of being annoyed, the girl laughed softly, seeming much older than the redhead all of a sudden.

"Thank you so much. What's your name?"

The green-eyed terror of her hometown blushed again, looking shyly at what she hoped was her new friend.

"I'm Nel. Nel Zelpher. What's your name?"

"Clair Lasbard," came the answer immediately. The brown eyes warmed even more when Clair grinned at her, and Nel smiled right back, in awe of how mature and pretty the little girl was.

"I think you're really pretty and nice," she blurted out, unaccustomed to keeping her thoughts inside, "and I really wanna be your friend. Can I?"

She blushed as bright as her hair when the gray-haired child laughed, but somehow she knew she wasn't being laughed at. Clair was too nice to laugh at her. Instead, she felt her heart race, and a sudden thrill go through her body at the sound. She wanted to make the other girl laugh again like she wanted nothing else in the world. Something was telling her that Clair didn't laugh enough. She wasn't sure if it was her maturity or her thoughtful face that made her so sure, but she could tell her new friend just didn't have enough fun, and was determined to change that.

"I think you're very pretty and nice too, and of course I'll be your friend, if you'll be mine. It's so lonely here without anyone to talk to or play with."

Nel jumped around the room, all the energy she had bursting out into the room. Clair watched her and laughed again, and when she came close, the small girl jumped up and hugged her, planting a kiss on her cheek. Once again, the redhead found herself blushing, listening avidly to her new friend's laughter. She had never heard anything quite like it.

(**Flashback**)

The spy smiled to herself. She had forgotten just how much Clair had affected her right from the start, and realized now just how inevitable it had been for her to fall in love with her best friend.

'Clair... I miss you so much. You made my life so... Gods, I don't even know how to describe it. You made my life worth living, even when I wanted to die. You were there after my father died and I was ready to give up. That had been a wonderful day right up until the news came, too...'

(**Flashback**)

A teenage Nel laughed as Clair somehow managed to be graceful while flopping onto her bed, leaning into her open arms and moaning loudly in frustration.

"Apris save me! That History of Aquaria teacher is just too stupid! I kept having to correct his mistakes! Why do they even let him teach!"

The redhead gently massaged her friend's tense back. Every time she went to that class, she came back in knots. Nel was taking the same class, but with a different teacher. It was one of only two classes she didn't share with Clair, but she wished she did, if only to help her relax. The other girl was brilliant, incredibly patient, and calm as the perfect blue sky in the growing season, but somehow this teacher always managed to get to her.

"Why do you let him bother you, Clair? I've never met anyone who gets to you as much as he does, except maybe your father. Is there something you haven't told me? I can't be very easy to work with, but you never get so stiff even after hours of working with me, so he must be really horrible."

The beautiful teenager smiled warmly up at her, leaning into her strong hands. Ever since they'd met about nine and a half years ago, they'd become very close, so much so that they'd practically moved in together other the last couple of years. Adray, when he wasn't in a far away land, treated her like another daughter. It gave her an inside perspective on why the two didn't get along well. The man loved his daughter dearly, but he was overbearing and stubborn, and always thought he was right, where Clair was intelligent, open-minded, and patient, except when faced with someone so narrow-minded and blind they couldn't see the world in front of their eyes.

"That's it. Right there..."

Nel grinned, pushing into a particular spot in Clair's lower back that seemed to be bothering her. It pleased her to no end when this calm, sensible, steady young woman turned to putty in her hands, though she didn't know why. She pressed against the knot, a warm rush going through her when her friend groaned in approval, squirming slightly and leaning further into her. Another grin crossed her lips, amazed at how open and vulnerable the beauty let herself be with her. With anyone else, Clair was kind, warm, and polite, but she would never let anyone do this to her. Anyone except Nel, that is.

"I love doing this for you, but I hate it when you get in knots. This is by far the worst mess I've ever had to deal with, too, Lasbard. Now spit it out."

Clair chuckled, knowing the redhead was serious when she called her 'Lasbard,' then moaned faintly. Nel had just found another massive knot along her spine, and she almost forgot the question entirely as long, powerful fingers, worked into it, relaxing her muscles with practiced ease.

"That feels so good, Nel..."

A playful growl vibrated through the body behind her, and she laughed again. Nel wasn't one to be easily distracted when she sensed something was wrong in her best friend's life. More and more lately she'd feel, rather than see or be told, when something was bothering Clair, and the same had held true for her gray-haired friend.

"Not really, to answer your question. I just don't enjoy having a teacher who knows less than his students. He's so much like my father at times."

The redhead smiled sadly. That would be the problem, then. Clair was just as stubborn as Adray, though more open-minded, and had the intelligence to back it up when they argued, just as he did, though in Adray's case, he would use his intelligence to try to force his view of the world on his daughter. If this teacher was arguing with her, but without the knowledge to make it worth her while, that might be enough to push even the gray-haired teenager's tolerance.

"Of course you know more than him, Clair. You're the smartest person I've ever met, and you read more than anyone I know. I think you've gone through the entire Castle library by now."

"You read almost as much."

"You're still smarter than me," Nel replied, chuckling softly, completely unashamed of being less intelligent than the pale-eyed teenager, "Everyone knows that. Why do you think all the guys are always hanging around you? You're the prettiest, nicest, smartest, and most patient person in the world."

Before Clair could reply, a knock came from the door. It was something of a relief, because she was too embarrassed to think of anything to say, but as soon as she got a look at the soldier standing in the doorway, her heart skipped a beat. There was only one reason a soldier fresh from the field would be there. She prayed mentally that it wasn't what she thought, but in the man's hand was the tattered remains of the cape Nel's father had worn, his personal crest visible on the clasp. She felt Nel start to tremble and turned, finding her friend looking deathly pale.

"I'm so sorry," the man said softly, his eyes wet and his body heavy with evident guilt, "but your father... your father fell in battle."

The redhead blinked slowly, and the gray-haired teenager turned, wrapping her arms around her. She didn't know what to do, what to say, but hoped she could somehow protect Nel from the pain that had to come. The redhead meant everything to her, and seeing her in so much pain was almost unbearable.

"Who... who struck him down?" Nel asked weakly, her voice trembling.

"Count Woltar of the Storm Brigade. He and your father were fighting, and Woltar killed him. I couldn't find his swords to give you, so I brought this. I'm so sorry."

Nel nodded, her expression blank as the man gently set the cape into her hands, squeezing them gently and left, saluting when he reached the door. Clair gasped when empty green eyes met her brown. She had never seen those vibrant orbs so dead, and never wanted to again. Her friend's eyes fascinated her, and to see them empty and dull was like a blow. Those eyes expressed so much, but right now, all she could see was pain, endless, crippling pain that she wanted to take away, to heal, more than she had ever wanted anything in her life.

"Clair... please tell me I'm dreaming, or that we can go back to a few minutes ago, and everything will still be fine. Just... just don't tell me this is real. Don't tell me my father... that my father..."

The slightly taller girl held her friend even tighter, not able to find anything to say that would ease the agony Nel was going through. Unlike her and Adray, Nel and her father were very close, and Clair loved the man dearly. He was strong, kind, intelligent, and noble, and without a doubt dedicated to his daughter. He had always treated Clair like family, and had told her he was glad she was there to take care of Nel when he couldn't. Now he was dead, and she felt it like a blow to the head.

"I've got you, Nel," she said at last, "and somehow, everything will be fine. I'll make sure of it. I've got you, and I'm not letting go."

"Everyone I love leaves, Clair," Nel whispered, leaning against her, "and you're the last person I've got that I call family. Are you going to leave me too?"

"Never," she replied fiercely, "I'll always be here for you. I don't care what it takes. I'm not leaving you alone, ever. I promise. Trust me. I'll find a way to make things right again. You'll always have me."

The redhead collapsed against her, crying desperately, clutching all that remained of her once invincible father. Clair was all she had left. Losing her too would kill her, she just knew it. She clung to her friend as if she was the only lifeline she had, which was true. If Clair left, she would be completely alone.

"Please don't leave me too," she sobbed, "I don't want to be alone. My parents, my family..."

"I'm still here," Clair whispered into her ear, rocking her gently, "I promise you, I always will be."

Nel cried and cried, swept up by her grief. Her father was dead, her mother long gone. She was the last of her family, the last of the Zelphers. This knowledge fell heavily across her shoulders, and only Clair's unwavering support and warm arms kept the weight of it from overwhelming her. Without Clair, this news would have broken her into tiny, irreparable pieces. Because of the girl's friendship and strength of heart and will, though, she found the tears slowing to a mere trickle. The pain was still there, as was the burden of knowing she was almost completely alone, but her spirit had found its anchor, a reason to survive no matter how bad things got, and for that, she would forever be in Clair's debt. She would do anything for the gray-haired teenager. She would fight and die for her, if that's what it took. She refused to let anything take her away.

(**Flashback**)

Not a month after that day, the young woman she had been had signed up for the armed forces. Clair had been with her through it all, even when she had shut down, building up walls around her heart so thick and tall that almost nothing could touch her. Her friend had been the only one who could reach her during that time, the only one she would respond to. When she had made the decision to go into the military, Clair had followed, despite a deep hatred of violence and war. Their unusual aptitude for runology had caused both of them to advance quickly, and they had become all the closer over the years of training.

'She was always there when I needed her, even if I thought I didn't. When I was hurt, she was the one who took care of me. If I was upset, or had nightmares, she comforted me. In return, I took care of her, too. If she had nightmares, I held her. If she was injured in training, I would tend to her. We were almost always together, and we may have argued, but we never really fought. Clair was always so patient with me, so gently and kind. I was always short tempered, but she took my outbursts in stride and soothed me if I was about to lose control. Whenever a student or instructor pushed me too hard, she was there to help. She let me fight my own battles, but did everything she could to keep me from going too far.'

She hung in the void, unaware of time, if it even existed here, if there was a 'here.' All of her focus was on the memories of Clair, and the warmth they brought. The memory had made her remember just what she was fighting and living for, and made her realize that she had always loved Clair, but had hidden those emotions so deep inside herself that she'd never realized what they were. She had done it to protect Clair, but now... The day her father had died was the start of the problems she was being forced to face now, but her runologist's love was starting to heal the scars that had been left behind. She was also an anchor to the reality she knew, and she was quickly coming to learn that her promise to Clair was more binding than she could have imagined. She would find a way to keep it, no matter the cost.

'Help me,' she found herself praying. This prayer was not to any gods, but to the only being she knew she could always trust in, 'I need your strength, your love, now more than ever. Guide me home. Help me get back to you. I refuse to accept this, for both of us. We exist. I exist, and so do you. Together we can defy the Creator, and anything else. Help me, Clair.'

Warmth flooded her, and she could almost feel arms wrapping around her, could almost see the beautiful face of her beloved, could almost touch the milky skin. Clair's spirit was with her, just as she had said it would be, and it was calling her home. She would not give in to the darkness. She would not be deleted.

"**I WILL NOT LEAVE HER ALONE!**" she suddenly shouted, and found her voice restored, along with her body. Everything was just as it should be, every scar in place, every wound just where it should be, though she wished some of those gained from the Spiral Tower and the battle with Luther had gone. She lived again as more than thought and spirit, but she could still feel the warmth of her beloved's spirit in her mind, and knew she had to get to her. Wherever she was now, Clair needed her to be on their world. Nel didn't know how she knew, but she did beyond a shadow of a doubt. Whatever this green world was, it wasn't where she had to be.

"Where... where am I?" she asked, noticing the others around her. She took stock, and realized she had been the first to appear, with Fayt being the last. The group talked, most of the discussion going over her head, so she ignored most of it. Only one thing caught her attention.

"Let's go back where we belong."

'I belong wherever Clair is. But... how do I get there? I don't even know where here is, so how can I figure out where to go, or how to get home? I just... I have to get to Clair, but I don't know how... Would they know? That seems unlikely.'

She felt something growing inside her, an almost desperate drive to get home, and felt her body fading again. She closed her eyes, though not before noticing Maria and Mirage join hands, a strange light covering them from within, and something similar happening to each one of them. Everything faded away, but then she opened her eyes only moments later to find her feet on solid, familiar ground.

"What..."

She looked around, trying to get her bearings, then her eyes widened. Arias... she was in Arias... and there, laying in bed with her back to her, was Clair. She stared at the gray-haired beauty, her body trembling and her hands wanting to reach out and touch the holder of her heart and spirit. She took a step forward, barely able to keep herself from caressing the milky skin.

"C-Clair... Clair, wake up... wake up..."

The spy's voice came out in a raspy stammer that was barely audible, but the runologist responded. She rolled over sharply, her eyes wild, taking in Nel's liberally blood-streaked form, the exhausted, uncertain set of her shoulders, and the dazed, confused expression on her face, then grabbed her, pulling her onto the bed, holding onto the swaying warrior. She may not have had any idea what was going on, but it was obvious that Nel needed help and support, which she was more than happy to give.

"Nel! You're home! How did you get here? What happened?"

The questions came out before she could stop them, while in the mean time she had gotten up to fill a pot to heat water and gathered several cloths to help get Nel cleaned up when the water was ready. These actions were automatic by now, requiring little to none of her attention, so she was able to stay mostly focused on her clearly disoriented friend.

"Clair... where am I? Is this Arias, or is it a dream? One minute I was nothing, then somewhere, then here... I don't understand..."

Pale brown eyes stared, startled, into green. The spy seemed to be in shock, her expression verging on panic, her eyes filled with an almost hysterical relief. The two extremes bothered her, not because Nel wasn't an emotional person, but more because she had a tendency to moderate herself, no matter who she was with.

"No," she replied slowly, "I don't think this is a dream. You're here. You're home. Can you tell me what's going on? How did you get here? Do you know?"

The Secret Legion commander shook her head slightly, some of the panic leaving her face as Clair rocked her gently, running one hand up and down her back while the other gently wiped at the blood on her face and body. She slowly relaxed against the other woman's body, her wounds and the chaos of the day catching up to her. She didn't know why she was in Arias, but she was grateful. This was, after all, her home, the one place she wanted most to be.

"I don't know," she answered at last, "First we were deleted by Luther, than we found ourselves in a great green plain, then I was here. It doesn't make any sense."

Pale brown eyes blinked slowly. Something about what Nel had just said had jarred her quite a bit, and she found herself badly in need of some sort of clarification.

"Wait... deleted? What does that mean? You died!"

Nel shook her head slightly. She still wasn't accustomed to thinking in terms of her world, her dimension, being a video game, and knew that she'd have some trouble explaining herself. She wasn't sure herself what being deleted entailed, and tried to find the words to allow them both to make sense of what had happened.

"Not really. I could still think, but I had no body. I seemed to be floating in oblivion. There was nothing there, just my thoughts and feelings. Before it happened, the others were talking about remembering those we loved, and I thought of you. When I was in the void, it was like you were there with me, calling me home. I remembered when we met, and the day my father died, and I knew I had to get back to you. You pulled me back, reminded me that there was somewhere I had to be. You saved my life."

Clair blushed faintly, smiling. She may not have understood that, but hearing Nel say she loved her was a powerful thing, and so was being told she had saved the spy's life. She was still wondering about this 'deletion,' but would let it go for the moment, for Nel's sake. The woman was obviously exhausted and somewhat shell-shocked. She held her old friend, letting her mind wander to the memories Nel had mentioned, then went through her own, remembering the first time she had had one of her really bad nightmares. It had been the first time she had stumbled into the redhead's bedroom, crying and trembling. She didn't realize that Nel was thinking of exactly the same night.

(**Flashback**)

An eleven-year-old Clair jerked awake with a start, crying out softly. She could barely remember the details of the nightmare she had had, but she knew she had watched her best friend die. She wasn't completely sure what had happened, but it had been painful, agonizing, rather, to watch, to hear.

'I have to see her... she's still alive... she has to be. There's no way she's not still alive... it was just a dream, nothing more. It's like dad always says: "Dreams are only real when you're dreaming." He has to be right about this. He has to!'

She slipped out of bed and grabbed a candle by its holder from her bedside table, grateful that her father was away. He wasn't very comforting, even when he tried to be, and he wasn't who she wanted to see in any case. He might even keep her from seeing her friend, and that would be horrible. If she remembered right, the other girl's father was gone too, so she would be able to get into their rooms without waking him. Clair walked slowly and unsteadily down the castle halls, quietly opening the door of her friend's family's suite and stumbling into her room.

"Nel... Nel, wake up... are you here?"

A small form on the bed shifted, groaning softly. Sleepy green eyes focused on her, their depths murky and tired. Bright red hair, just visible in the dim light of her candle, was sticking up in all directions, and a hand rose to brush it out of a round face.

"Clair?"

Nel yawned, slightly annoyed at being awakened, even by her friend, then looked more closely as the gray-haired girl moved slowly toward the bed. Clair's hair was a mess, as were her pajamas. Her eyes were bloodshot and her face was tear streaked, immediately jerking the redhead to full consciousness.

"Clair, what's wrong? Are you okay? Did something bad happen to you?"

The pale girl swayed unsteadily, fear and relief warring inside her. She knew that if she just reached out and touched her friend, she'd either disappear or prove that she was solid, real, and alive. She couldn't bring herself to do it, though. After all, if Nel vanished, she didn't know what she'd do. Nel was her best friend, the person she was closest to in her life, and the person her young heart and spirit called home.

"Nel, I... I had the worst nightmare just now. I... could I stay with you for a little while? I don't think I can get back to sleep..."

The more compact, though stronger, girl smiled softly, taking the candle from her and setting it aside. She pulled Clair into the bed, hugging her tightly. Her daddy had always said a hug could work wonders after a nightmare, something she had found to be true over time. Even without that, holding the thin, pale girl made her feel all warm inside, like nothing bad could ever happen. She loved that feeling, and besides, her friend obviously needed her comfort.

"It's okay, Clair. I've got you. You won't have any more nightmares tonight. I'll protect you and fight off the bad night demons that are after you."

"Promise?"

The redhead smiled again, covering the shivering girl with her blanket and pulling her close. Young as she was, she already knew that Clair was someone she couldn't live without, just as her friend did. She would do anything for her, even jump off a cliff if she asked her to. If the other kids tried to bully the frail child, she beat them up. She would do the same to any demon of the night that tried to hurt Clair in her sleep.

"Of course I promise. Go back to sleep, Clair. I won't let anything hurt you. You're safe here. I'll protect you."

Clair smiled softly, wrapping her arms around Nel and laying her head on her chest where she could hear the other girl's heart beating. The steady sound lulled her back to sleep, and she knew then and there that she would never let anything take the redhead away from her. Nothing, not even the gods, would tear them apart. She didn't know how she'd stop them, but she didn't care. Nel was all that mattered to her right then.

"I'm sorry I woke you up," she said softly into soft cloth, suddenly remembering how grumpy her friend could get when woken up, "but I had to see you."

The redhead shook her head slightly.

"Don't worry about everything so much. It's okay. I'm glad I could make you feel better."

Clair smiled again, relieved. She hadn't known if Nel would get angry, and she was very glad she hadn't. Her friend had a temper as fiery as her hair, but she realized that anger had never been directed her way. That was good, as she wouldn't want to make Nel mad at her if she could avoid it. She sleepily cuddled against her bedmate, her smile widening as she drifted into sleep, feeling safe, warm, and loved.

(**Flashback**)

Both women smiled, remembering, and when their eyes met, they laughed softly, knowing they had been thinking about the same thing. Clair wrapped an arm around her warrior for a moment, then helped her out of her belt, tunic, armor, leggings, and boots. She bandaged the various wounds with a silent promise to heal them later, helped the spy into a long nightshirt, then pulled her into bed, wrapping the covers around them. She found that they automatically shifted into the position they'd found themselves in twelve years ago, and smiled. She was incredibly worried, confused, and uncertain, but she knew that right now, they both needed rest more than answers, and getting upset would do absolutely nothing for either of them.

'She's wounded, exhausted, and not long ago she was on the verge of panic. Better to wait until later to try and understand what's going on. For right now, all I want to do is hold her and keep her here as long as I can. Anything and everything else can wait.'

Nel seemed to sense her reluctance to question her and gave her a relieved smile before leaning down to kiss her gently, one hand coming up to stroke the soft skin. She knew they were both too tired for it to go anywhere, but had needed the connection to reality, and to the love that had brought her back here. She felt so close to Clair, so bonded to her, heart, mind, body, and spirit. Just as the child she had been had, she found herself thinking with complete and utter confidence that she could never live without this woman. Everything else didn't matter, at least right now, as long as she had her beloved Clair. Tonight, she would rest, safe in the Shield Legion commanders arms. Tomorrow, they could deal with everything else.

"I love you, Clair," she whispered softly, tightening her grip slightly, "and it was your love that made it possible for me to survive deletion, to remember that I exist, independent of anything that Luther could do to me. You told me your spirit would be with me, and it was. All I could thing of was that I couldn't leave you alone, so I came back. I chose not to accept deletion. Thank you so much for lending me some of your strength, and for your heart. It's a gift beyond words or measure, a treasure beyond compare."

The runologist blushed, burying her face in Nel's chest. She would never get tired of hearing Nel say she loved her, and was glad for that. It was an amazing feeling when it happened, though it didn't hold a candle to the thrill she got when the spy kissed her. She felt her beloved chuckle softly and smiled up at her, ignoring her stubbornly prominent blush.

"Thank you, Nel. I'm glad I could help somehow. I'm so happy that you came back, even if I don't understand how you did it. All I care about right now is sleeping in your arms, basking in the love you've given me. You call my heart a treasure, but yours is a miracle, holding everything I could have ever asked for in this life. I'm so grateful you would entrust me with something so precious, and I swear I'll always handle it with care."

Before the redhead could say anything, she returned the gentle kiss, effectively silencing any objections her friend might have come up with. A soft sigh came from Nel when she pulled away slightly, and her calloused hand traced the outline of her lips, shaking slightly from a combination of shock, injuries, and sheer, unadulterated reverence and adoration. Warmth spread rapidly through both of them, soothing both physical and emotional aches and pains from the contact, and Nel relaxed fully into the slightly taller woman's tight embrace, just as Clair did the same. Tomorrow was another day, and inevitably would be one fraught with emotion, confusion, and strain, but this embrace, this little world that held only the two of them, drove all thoughts of worry out of their minds. This was how things should be, and all that mattered. Everything else could just wait a little longer. With a smile and another soft, meaningful kiss, they drifted off into the land of dreams, filled with light, love, and warmth, their spirits joined, and their hearts beating in perfect unison.

(**Author's Note**: To be continued… this is NOT the end, just so everyone knows. I haven't finished yet, by any means.)


	13. Running to Nowhere

Disclaimers: I don't own the rights to Star Ocean: Till the End of Time or its characters. Unless you really want a cup of pennies, don't sue me. Actually, just don't do it, even if you do want the pennies.

Those of you who like this story should also take a look at Catfish Tango's fic, which is being written with my complete support and approval.

Well, just in case anyone who read the last chapter before the evening of June 3rd hasn't noticed, I did some editing and tried to fix the things that got comments from my reviewers, whom I'm very, very grateful to. Your support has made Two Soldiers possible.

While I'm on the topic, please leave a review. I generally write new chapters a lot faster when I get more reviews, unless there's a very good reason for me to not write at all. If I don't get many reviews, I kind of take it as people aren't really interested, which is pretty discouraging. Also, as always, there's a list of other fandoms I have some interest in writing, so if anyone wants something from one of those, just let me know. To all of you who reviewed the last chapter, only to have to wait so long for this one, I'd like to express my deepest apologies.

I'd like to apologize for the length of time it took me to get this chapter up, I had finals to deal with, then the worst case of writer's block I've had in a long time, not helped by many interruptions and a distinct lack of focus on my part. It's been very difficult to start writing again. On that note, the chapter may not be the best I've written, for the same reasons. I wanted to make sure I got something up, though. I'll probably come back to it later.

**Two Soldiers: Fire and Ice**

**Chapter 13: Running to Nowhere**

Nel sighed softly. The queen and Magistrate Laselle wanted her to delegate the current mission to someone else. In and of itself, that wouldn't be a problem, but... she needed to work. She needed to be doing something that put her skills to the test, something that took her mind off... other things. Work was the only thing that could do that. Without work, she couldn't relax. She couldn't stop thinking, couldn't stop the doubts, insecurities, and regrets, and couldn't concentrate on anything. And what made it worse was that she was fully aware it was her own fault.

'If I could just... just let go, things would be so much easier. This was my choice. It's my own fault I'm miserable now. I could just as easily make it all end, but...'

She turned, lost in her thoughts, only to find one of the queen's messengers right in front of her, looking at her oddly. She glared at the man, and he took a step back. With another sigh, she started to walk away, but he called her back.

"L-Lady Nel... The queen would like to speak to you privately in the castle gardens."

The redhead nodded silently, turning away and striding up the stairs to her majesty's gardens, finding the queen standing by the wall, looking over the land. She bowed, waiting, but the queen waved her over, so she approached slowly, standing stiffly at her side.

"You wanted to speak to me, ma'am?"

"Yes, Lady Nel, I did. You see, I've been concerned for you of late. You do not smile like you used to, you do not relax, and you're working yourself too hard, which you only do when something is troubling you. I would like to know what's wrong, so I may help you find a solution."

"Your majesty," Nel replied softly, looking down, "it is nothing so serious as to require your concern. I give you my word that it will not affect my work."

"But it has already," came the calm response, "though not in the way one might expect. You are working harder and harder, as though trying to escape something that hounds you. I've noticed, also, that you avoid Arias, which is a place you've always been overjoyed to be sent. Lady Clair is most distressed."

That got her attention. She supposed she shouldn't be surprised, given that she was fully aware the other woman was in love with her, but she was. She hadn't meant to cause the beautiful runologist pain, but she knew that she, as always, hadn't thought her actions through very well, and that it was inevitable that she'd hurt Clair.

"She's... has she said anything about why?"

The queen smiled sadly. She could see the love and concern Nel was feeling for her friend, but there was also fear, and she wondered just what had happened between them to cause Nel to be so afraid. She had rarely seen her bravest, most dedicated soldier frightened by anything, not even death. Now, though, every time she had seen the woman since she'd returned from her battle with the Creator, there was a haunted quality to her, as if something was chasing her that she couldn't escape. Lady Clair, on the other hand, made a valiant attempt to carry herself as she would normally when in her presence, but if anyone mentioned Nel in her hearing, she would freeze for a moment, and her face would fall, her eyes becoming dull and pained.

"No, of course not. Lady Clair respects you far too much to tell anyone if there was something happening between you two. Nonetheless, she appears quite upset at any mention of your name, and I believe there is nothing any of us can do to help, with you as the exception. She needs you, Lady Nel. I cannot risk losing either of you, so please, if something has happened, I want you to attempt to resolve the problem. Aquaria needs you. Please, take a few days off and see to your..."

The queen paused, tilting her head slightly. Nel found the gaze somewhat unnerving, but didn't look away. She had a feeling she was being tested by her ruler, and she refused to fail. She didn't know if she should say or do anything, so did nothing, just returned the queen's unwavering stare. The woman smiled faintly after a long, silent moment, nodding to herself.

"You love her, do you not?"

The question took her by surprise. She wasn't sure how to respond, but knew that this time she would have to say _something_, anything. Nel wondered what she could say, wanting to deny it, to avoid it, but found she couldn't. She knew it was true. She loved Clair with everything she was, and that was why... that was why she had to stay away from her. No matter what she said, Clair was in danger because of her. It didn't matter that she desperately needed her. All she cared about was making sure her best friend, the love of her life, stayed safe and alive.

"I do," the redhead said slowly, almost painfully. She had tried so hard not to think of her beloved since the day after she'd come back, the day she'd left, but now she couldn't help it. Images of Clair flooded her mind without mercy, and the spy sighed softly. She would have to go to Arias, but first...

"Yes, your majesty, I love her. She's... she's the reason I fight, the reason I live. I couldn't live if she died, nor could I bear to see her love another, but..." she paused, then plunged on, "...but those I love are doomed to a cruel destiny, and I cannot allow that to happen to her."

The queen moved a step closer, looking up at her. Nel wanted to turn away but fought back the impulse, though barely.

"She needs you, Lady Nel, and you her. You are missing a piece of yourself without her in your life. I can see that, and I fully believe you can as well. Please, Lady Nel, go to her. Ease both your suffering. She cares for you and respects you too much to push if she thinks you need time and space, so you will have to go to her. This isn't an order," this was said just as Nel was wondering, which shook her slightly, "but rather, a request from one who cares about both your fates. You are both far too valuable to Aquaria to lose."

Nel nodded her understanding, and was dismissed. She bowed, then walked slowly out of the gardens. She knew she needed to go to Arias, that she no longer had a choice, not because of the queen, but because she could no longer keep Clair out of her mind. She had worked herself into exhaustion to keep from thinking about her, but now she had been ordered to delegate the current mission to someone else, so there was no work to do, and thus, no escape.

'I'm sorry, Clair. I wanted to protect us both, but I can't stay away any longer. I need to be near you, to know you're still there, still alive. Please, please forgive me when I see you...'

With only a quick stop to get only the most vital supplies from her room, she strode out of the city, onto the Irisa Fields. Nel battled her way through the monsters there, then went rapidly through Peterny. The city was bustling more than ever lately, and she didn't feel completely comfortable here, especially given what she knew about the recent unrest. The spy was glad to reach the Palmira Plains, and even gladder to see the gates of Arias. She stopped for a moment when she came in sight of them, trying to gather the courage to face Clair, the woman she'd avoided and yearned for all at once.

"I'm almost home..."

Just as she started forward, focusing on what was in front of her, she heard a voice cry, "Look out!" and the unmistakable feel of a spell being released. She jumped aside just in time as a stream of ice needles flew past her, freezing a monster that was right behind her, halfway through swinging a blade at her neck. With practiced speed, she shattered the frozen beast, then turned to thank whoever had cast the spell, only to come face to face with a worried Clair.

"N-Nel..." she stammered faintly, drinking in the sight of the redhead, "What are you... why weren't you paying attention? Why are you here?"

Nel said nothing for a long time, just stared. Her eyes traced every inch of the runologist's figure before meeting her concerned, confused, and slightly pained brown orbs. The spy took a slow step closer, than another, until she was well within arm's reach of the other woman, lifting a shaking hand to Clair's milky cheek, then let it run across her face as if memorizing it by touch.

"Clair..."

The Shield Legion commander stared, surprised by her friend's tone. It was soft and gentle, almost a caress, the name a whispered prayer. The calloused hand hadn't left her face, and the green eyes she had always loved were focused on her alone, their owner completely ignoring the world around them. She could tell something was going on with Nel, but couldn't quite put her finger on what. Whatever it was, it had made her completely forget they were in the middle of the Palmira Plains, which had a fair few monsters around. Before she could voice a comment or question, though, her friend moved forward, kissing her fiercely. Clair staggered slightly, then felt warm, strong arms wrap around her, bracing her. She leaned into the powerful body, returning the kiss with a fervor that completely escaped her control at the moment.

"Nel... gods..." the gray-haired woman whispered when they separated, leaning limply into the redhead's body. She'd been taken completely by surprise by the kiss and was still trying, rather unsuccessfully, to get herself under control. Her heart was pounding, her breath was ragged, and her body trembled at the nearness of Nel after so long apart. The runologist felt she might just burst under the onslaught of emotion, and idly wondered if this explosion of feeling was what her warrior was feeling.

"I've missed you so much, Clair. I... I just couldn't stay away any longer. Oh, Clair..." the words came spilling out of the spy's mouth unbidden, her voice still low, turning her best friend's name into something incredibly special, and its owner into a goddess. Nel wasn't even aware of doing it. All she knew was that right now, she was feeling so much, and all of it was centered around one beautiful woman. She didn't care that they were in the middle of a potential danger zone, or that monsters could be coming any time. All she cared about was touching Clair, making her understand how much she'd missed her, how much she needed her.

"Nel, wha-"

Before she could even finish the word, Nel's lips were on hers again in another fierce kiss, her arms wrapped tightly around her back. Clair couldn't do anything to get out of that grip, and in all honesty, she didn't want to. This kiss, and the woman she was sharing it with, were all she had been able to dream about for days on end. Still, the fact that they could be attacked rather easily weighed heavily on her at the edges of her awareness, and the commander sighed softly when Nel pulled back again, knowing she had to speak up.

"Nel... we have to get off the Plains. Let's go to Arias, okay? We can talk there. I don't want you getting hurt here. Come on."

The fog over the green eyes cleared, and her friend seemed to come out of a daze. The redhead shook her head, blinked, then jerked back, looking frightened and skittish.

"Gods, Clair... I owe you an apology. I wasn't thinking. Please forgive me... I just... I don't know what came over me..."

The runologist stopped the babble with a soft finger against the spy's lips, smiling gently. She didn't know what to feel right now, but she could tell that Nel was in need of some reassurance and comfort, which she was more than happy to provide. It didn't matter right then that she needed both of those things too. Nel was here now, and taking care of her was all she cared about, the only thing that mattered.

"Come home with me, Nel. You look like you haven't slept properly for days."

The spy blinked, then took the hand offered to her. She was annoyed at herself for feeling so weak, but was also aware that there was little enough she could do about it. She needed the anchor to Clair after running away from her, and herself, for so long, and there was no escaping that. Nel took the time they spent walking to Arias thinking, at least when she wasn't fighting, and realized that the queen had been completely right. Just being next to her beloved friend had put a piece of her life back into place again. She wasn't whole without Clair, and if she was any judge, the runologist wasn't either.

'We need each other to be happy and whole. Why this surprises me I don't know, but it does. It's just... to think that someone like Clair would need me to be complete, someone who's so strong and confidant...'

Her train of thought stopped there as another realization struck her. Clair wasn't always strong and confidant, and she knew it. She had seen the gray-haired commander at her weakest, in fact, and had often held her when the nightmares became too much. She had always been Clair's support, just as her friend had been for her. There was no disputing that they balanced each other, each caring for the other in their own way.

'She's always seemed to need me, and now... I've known she loves me for some time now, but I still seem to forget sometimes just what that means. How could I just leave her here alone again? She deserves so much better than that, than me. What am I going to do if she realizes that and leaves me? Will I be able to stand losing her?'

Just the thought hurt, and that was her answer. She'd likely die if Clair gave up on her, because the woman was her life, even if she had been running from her for days. Living without her wasn't an option any longer. She wasn't sure, thinking back, that it ever had been. The runologist, for her part, had also been deep in thought, and guided them into the manor and up to her room in something of a daze. Nel's sudden appearance, not to mention her kisses, had thrown her thoroughly off balance, and all she could think about was the spy, replaying the scene over and over in her mind from start to finish. When they got to her room, she sat down on her bed, watching her beloved settle somewhat gingerly into her chair with a pang of regret. She had hoped Nel would join her, but knew there were things they needed to discuss first. After sitting in somewhat awkward silence for a while, she spoke up, needing answers to questions that had been haunting her for days.

"Nel... why... why didn't you..."

She paused, letting out a long breath. This was harder than she had expected it to be. Clair was used to being the one who knew just what to say, but right now, here with Nel again, she couldn't seem to find the right words. With a sigh, she let her heart speak for her, knowing that it alone would speak honestly and without censor.

"Why didn't you come home?"

Nel started at the stark question. She hadn't known what to expect from Clair, but that had been one of the things she thought she'd be asked. It wasn't actually the question that startled her. It was the rawness behind it, the pain and fear she could hear in the usually warm, calm voice. Her heart sank as she immediately realized that she was the cause of that.

'Why do I have to be such a fool? All this time I've been so frightened and alone, and all I had to do was come here. But then... it was just this feeling of security that I'm afraid of. I don't want to take her for granted. I want to protect her, this country, and... and keep her alive. No matter what she says, the fact remains that everyone I've ever loved is dead. I can't let that happen to her...'

Clair watched her beloved carefully, her vision blurring from the tears that threatened to fall. She loved the woman beyond words, and their separation had caused her heart to ache every moment that Nel stayed away. She knew the Crimson Blade hadn't had to be gone all that time, and could have come home almost any time, but had chosen not to. She was here now, though, and maybe the Shield Legion commander would get her answers. Nel took her time before speaking, but she eventually did.

"I... I know you said that the curse that follows me wouldn't touch you, but I was afraid, for both our sakes. After all the battles, after everything we saw, I just... Well, I told you how close we came to losing everything, that you were the one who called me back. I was afraid that if anything ever happened that put you in a situation where you were depending on me, I wouldn't be strong enough to call you back, to help you. I don't think I could live with failing you, Clair."

The gray-haired woman shook her head, sighing softly. She had to find a way to make the spy understand that she didn't care if there was a risk, and she wasn't even sure there was.

"Nel, listen to me. You could never fail me, just as I would never fail you. There's nothing wrong with loving and being loved, and no one will punish you for it. I will always love you, and nothing will ever change that. As for you being strong enough to help me as I did you, you already have, so many times. You pulled me back when I thought you were dead and was ready to die myself. No one else could have done that."

Before the redhead could interrupt, Clair lifted a hand, stopping her. She was already struggling to find the words she needed, and there was a memory nagging at the back of her mind that she knew would help her make her point, if she could just remember.

"I've always needed you, Nel. You are my anchor, my reason to live, as I am yours. You always have been. Time and again I would have lost my path, and with it my spirit, or my life. You can't blame yourself for the deaths of those you loved. People die in war, and it's no one's fault but the one who held the blade."

The memory she was struggling with finally locked into place, and she hesitantly reached out, taking Nel's hand when it was slowly offered. She stroked the long, calloused fingers, losing her train of thought for a moment, then refocused.

"Do you remember the time I almost killed that Airyglyph soldier? The one who threatened to do terrible things to you?"

Nel did remember. Clair had been under increasingly worse stress for weeks as their trainers pushed them to their limits time and again, and it didn't help that the missions they were doing appeared to be meant to train the kind hearts out of both of them. On one patrol, they had run across a squad of Black Brigade soldiers. They had defeated them, but not without injury to themselves, both physical and emotional.

(**Flashback**)

"Clair! Clair, look out!"

The teenage Nel leapt between a sword and her friend, taking a jagged slash across her back even as she pushed them out of the way. She fell to her knees and Clair was immediately at her side, checking the wound while keeping an eye on the maniacally laughing soldier. He was the last of his squad, but almost uninjured and fresh. They, on the other hand, were both exhausted and hurt.

"I'll kill her! I'll kill you both! But first I'll have you, yes, until you scream! Ahaha! You don't know true suffering, true torment! I shall be your teacher! First, I'll have this one," he said, running his blade across Nel's blood-splattered face, looking directly into Clair's pale brown eyes, "and I'll make her scream and beg for mercy, then I'll kill her in the slowest, most painful ways known to man! Ahahaha!"

Clair's eyes flashed, and she straightened, bringing her arm up. Power rose within her, crackling around her arm. Crimson flames surrounded the man, and he screamed, falling to his knees. The redhead stared up at her, struck to her very core by how cold and empty Clair's pale orbs were. She had never seen her best friend look so empty, so lacking in compassion, kindness, or any other emotion. She knew this couldn't lead to anything good. The gray haired girl was her port in the storm, and she needed her. More importantly, she couldn't allow someone so beautiful in both body and spirit lose their soul to someone like this perverted soldier. She would die first. Their world needed people like Clair. Nel knew she had to get her friend's heart back from wherever it had gone, but she didn't know how.

"No! NOO! AGHH!"

The runologist was completely unfazed by the man's screaming. Her mind was trapped in a cycle of horrible images. They were the worst kind of imaginings, which included Nel being raped, brutalized, and killed. They had completely taken over, refusing to let any thoughts of restraint or emotion get past them. There was nothing she could do to stop them. She didn't even hear the screams over the ones in her mind. She had been all but convinced that what she was seeing was real, but then Nel appeared in front of her, as if a vision from a dream.

"Clair, stop! Don't do this! You can't want to kill him! He hasn't done anything but scratch me, and he won't. You can't kill him, Clair. Please, think about what you're doing!"

Clair turned her head slowly, the flames wavering around the soldier. Her eyes were still blank, and when she spoke, the voice that came from her didn't seem to be her own, but rather someone else's, heard from far away. It was flat and dead, devoid of all pity or remorse, much less kindness.

"If he lives, he'll hurt you. I can't let that happen. I won't. Better he die now than get the chance to attack you as he says he will. "

"Don't do something you'll regret, Clair! Please! You're not a murderer! You're a kind, gentle woman who's been my best and dearest friend all of these years. If you kill him, you'll never forgive yourself, and I'll never forgive myself for letting you. Clair, listen to me. Let him go. Trust me, please. I'll take care of it. He won't hurt me, I promise. Just stop the spell. Let it go. Release him, please."

When the runologist didn't respond in any way but a slight weakening of the flames, the redhead moved behind her, wrapping strong arms around her shoulders, pinning her arms with gentle intensity and drawing the teenager close to her body. Nel moved her lips to Clair's ears, whispering softly into it. Only on an unconscious level did she register the thrill she got from having the other soldier this close, and from the touch of skin against her lips.

"Clair, you don't want to do this. I know you don't. You're not a killer. You don't kill if you don't absolutely have to. You don't have to here. He can't hurt me. I give you my word on this, Clair Lasbard, he won't do either of us any harm. I won't let him. Please, don't do this to yourself, to me. I know you don't want me to be hurt, but if you kill him, it'll hurt you more than he could ever hope to hurt me. I can't let you lose your soul. I care too much about you, and I'm going to be selfish here. Losing you would kill me. You held me together when my father died. All I can do to return the favor is keep you from losing yourself. Please, Clair. Listen to me. Trust me. You've always trusted me before this. Please, let him go."

A tear tracked down the pale face, and the runologist's arm fell to her side, her body going limp and collapsing into Nel's arms. The soldier caught her, gently lowering her to the ground. She moved rapidly so she was standing over the man, looking down at his pathetic, burned form, green eyes cold with rage and hate.

"You could have destroyed her, you worthless piece of lum shit! You're going to die for that."

With one smooth motion, she drew her knife and slashed his throat, not caring when she became covered in his blood. He had frightened and hurt Clair, and that in and of itself was unforgivable. He had also almost destroyed her soul, and that had been his death sentence. With barely a blink in his direction, she turned, racing back to Clair's side and wrapping her arms around her again. The woman stared at the blood on her face, and she almost backed away, but a pale hand clutched her sleeve and she smiled gently, keeping her hold on her friend.

"I've got you, Clair. I'm right here. It's okay."

"Nel...?"

The runologist stared blankly at the blood on her friend's uniform and skin, but found herself drawn into reassuring green eyes. Her friend was smiling gently at her, a warm hand under her chin, and she almost forgot the blood, along with everything else. Those eyes had always been gentle when turned on her, and they had never failed to drown her in endless green.

"He didn't hurt me, Clair. He never will. He's dead. He can't hurt anyone again, ever. Everything's okay now. I promise. I've got you."

Clair blinked, staring at the black-clad corpse, at Nel, then at the dead man again. Her pale brown eyes went blank for a minute, then filled with tears, her face flooding with guilt and pain as the memory of what she had almost done came racing back.

"I... I almost k-killed him... Nel, I... I almost killed a defenseless man... How... H-how... why did I do that! How could I..."

"It's okay, Clair. You didn't kill him. You stopped. He threatened me, and you were preventing him from carrying out that threat. I'm so grateful that you care so much about me. I know you wouldn't ever let anything happen to me, just as I wouldn't let anyone hurt you."

"But... but I... he..."

"Clair, it's okay. I killed him, not you. I know you hate killing, but it's better that I be the one with blood on my hands than you."

For a moment, Nel was afraid the other teenager would look at her with disgust, or worse, but she didn't. She just tucked herself into her arms and cried, the tears letting out a world of pain, despair, and guilt.

"I'm so sorry, Nel. I'm sorry for being so weak, so afraid. I'm sorry I forced you to kill him. I'm a soldier... I... I should be able to handle this better, right? I... Killing is a soldier's duty, isn't it? This is a war, after all..."

The redhead shook her head, bringing Clair closer. The gray-haired girl didn't offer any resistance, instead moving impossibly closer, needing the steady comfort and warmth of her friend's strong body and heart. She didn't know what needed to be said, but she thought she knew what Clair should hear.

"Clair, it's fine. A soldier's duty isn't killing. It's a soldier's duty to defend those who would be hurt by others, to protect those who need protection. You aren't weak. You're much stronger than me. Just let go of the guilt, of the pain. You did nothing wrong, I swear it."

When the other girl was marginally calmer, she stood and led the way home, supporting her injured friend while completely ignoring her own wounds and worries. Clair needed comfort now, and there was just no time for her own concerns. She would do anything to take the shadows from the pale eyes, including ignore pain, blood, and fear. Healing the wounds her friend's spirit had taken was far more important than anything else in the world, more important than duty, orders, or fighting. She knew this without a doubt, and devoted herself to being the one to bring about that healing with her entire being.

(**Flashback**)

It had taken days for the shadows to leave Clair's eyes, and weeks before she smiled fully again. The incident had taken its toll on both of them, though, and it was something they had never forgotten. Since then, there had always been an awareness of a deep bond made of protectiveness and support between them, and while at times it worried Nel that she could bring out a dark side to her friend, they both needed that bond to carry them through the dark times, and besides, there was nothing she could or would do to break it.

"Yes, I remember. If I hadn't been able to pull you back then..."

"...I might have lost myself forever, yes. You did that, and only you could ever reach me when I'm lost. You are my anchor, my home, and my heart. You are my life. It doesn't matter to me that I could get hurt or die, as long as I have you. I gave you my word I would always be with you, didn't I? I meant it. Nothing will ever take me away from you, not even the being that created our dimension. If he couldn't separate us, what can?"

Nel was about to say something, than really thought about that. It was true that the Creator himself, and deletion, hadn't been able to keep them apart, and it made her take the time to consider her beloved friend's words. She didn't want to live the way she had been, always running from the very thought of Clair. It hurt too much, and was no life at all. Being here with Clair healed some of the wounds left over from the battle with the Creator, and their time apart, and it made her realize just how badly she'd been hurting herself by running from the one person she had always needed.

"Clair... I'm so tired of this. I'm tired of running, and I'm tired of being afraid. I don't know what to do anymore. Please..." Nel's voice cracked, becoming weary and almost pleading, "I need to... I need... I need you, my love, my Clair. Please... can you lift this curse that follows me?"

The pale woman smiled softly, moving to kneel in front of her beloved friend, bringing her large, calloused hand to her lips and kissing it gently. Her brown eyes warmed, looking amber in the light that reached them from the window. Her expression was one of intense love and trust, and the redhead felt her muscles turning to liquid fire under that steady stare. Everything she might have thought or said faded away, until all that was left was one word.

"Clair..."

The runologist smiled even wider, if possible, and answered, "I love you, my warrior. You are my strength, my life, my heart. Your love wards off the darkness, no matter the source. Together we can travel to the ends of creation and come back unharmed. No curse, no matter how strong or deep, could ever change the simple fact that I love you, with everything I am, as you love me. I can only offer my heart, body, and spirit. It is you who must chose to take what I offer and make it yours. You alone can chose to make yourself mine. Whether or not you do, though, we are bonded, you and I, by love, by friendship, and by fate."

She rose, taking a step back, away from her beloved. Nel's eyes followed her, her hand reaching out unbidden. A pale hand rose as well, staying just out of reach. The green orbs stared, confused and worried.

"Be at ease, my love. I am giving you a choice. If you take my hand, you are choosing to live your life with me. Should you run, I will follow. Should you hurt, I'll hurt with you. Should anything cause you fear, I'll fear with you. Should anything attack you, I will fight it with you. This is my promise. And in return, all I ask is that you do the same for me. So... will you take my hand, Nel Zelpher? If you do not, I will always love you, but... but I will not follow if you run. You will be free to go as far as you please, and never face me again."

There were several long moments of silence, in which Nel did nothing but stare. She made no move to reach out just a little farther, no move to take Clair's hand. The gray haired woman bowed her head, her eyes filling with tears, and her hand dropped to her side. With a sigh, she turned away, heading for the door. She could feel her spirit dying within her, and could only leave, needing the space to pull herself together in hopes of being able to face her friend again without collapsing.

"I'm sorry, Nel."

She had her hand on the door, drowning in agony and almost completely unaware of the world around her. She didn't hear any movement, nor feel any touch, and her shoulders fell, her hand reaching to turn the latch on the door. Clair didn't realize anything had happened until she was abruptly turned around and pressed against the door, pinned by her redheaded warrior's body and a burning kiss. The hand she had offered was clasped tightly in one of Nel's, the other held against the door by the wrist. When she finally processed what was going on, the spy had pulled back from the kiss, but was still pinning her to the door. Her green eyes were intense and practically glowing, and the Shield Legion commander blinked, trying to understand what had just happened. Nel held her there, speaking in a low whisper that sent shivers down her spine.

"You just promised everything I could ever wish for, Clair, everything I could ever want or need. You, who would bond yourself to one who's hands are stained in blood, one who could never deserve a heart as loving and bright as yours, will never need fear loneliness again. My spirit will always be at your side, even when I cannot be. I promise you everything that I am, and ever will be. That is all I have, and will never match what the gift you have given me. I could never hope to match that. What I can do is devote my life, my very being, to protecting you, to making you happy, and to take all your tears away. Let me take away your pain, your fear, and your sadness. Let me be yours, Clair Lasbard. Allow me to give myself to you, as you have given yourself to me. Let me ward off any darkness that threatens you, and be the one who sleeps and wakes at your side. Please, offer your hand once more, now that I will not be frozen by shock and joy."

When she realized her hand had been freed and Nel had taken a step back, Clair blinked, then felt tears fall down her face as she once again offered her hand to her warrior, and the redhead took it, going down on a knee and kissing it softly, looking up at her with an expression that was nothing short of reverent and worshipful.

"I love you, Clair. I would announce it to the world from the top of a mountain, but first, I want your consent, your father's, and the queen's, to make you my wife. Well, if your father says no, I don't really care, but I doubt the queen would have too much difficulty with it, as she was the one that sent me here."

The runologist stared at her beloved for a long time, then let out a sob and collapsed into waiting arms. She had never expected this. She had never thought that Nel would not only chose to take the vow, much less almost propose to her. She had never thought she would see the day that the woman she loved would say what she had, or do what she'd done. It was all too much for her, and her mind seemed to spin while she tried to get a grip on everything, Finally, she managed to hold on to one thought, one question, long enough to voice it.

"The... the queen... the queen sent you here?"

The redhead laughed, tightening the embrace she held Clair in. Of all the questions or responses her friend could have voiced, that was not one she had anticipated, though she realized she probably should have.

"Her majesty didn't order me here. She and Magistrate Laselle ordered me to stop working and take a few days off, but after that meeting she sent for me and asked that I go to Arias, for both our sakes. She knows something has been wrong lately. She said you would become upset if I was mentioned, and asked, more to confirm her suspicions than anything, I think, whether or not I loved you. When I told her I do, she asked that I come here, because we're both too valuable to Aquaria to lose. She knows we need one another, and said as much. Now, you haven't answered my question. Will you be my wife?"

"I don't know, Nel," Clair replied softly. It wasn't that she didn't want to marry Nel. She wanted that more than she had ever wanted anything. It was just that there was so much going on right now, and her dear friend still had issues they needed to work through first. It was too much to hope that a formal marriage would be the best solution right now. "Give me some time to think about it, time that you should use as well. I want you to be sure you're really fine with being bonded to me, and with loving me. I don't want you to regret this."

The spy couldn't help but acknowledge the wisdom in that, even if she was sure this was one choice she wouldn't regret. She did understand, though, which warded off most of the pain of her proposal being rejected, at least for now. She knew, just as Clair did, that a marriage wouldn't magically fix the fears and concerns both of them had, nor would she have any right to expect it would. As much as she wanted the other commander to be her wife, and wanted to be able to call herself Clair's, she was very aware of the reasons thought was best. Besides, it was best to find out how their soldiers would react. Marriage between two women wasn't as uncommon here as it was in Airyglyph, not by any means, but it still wasn't exactly approved off. Nonetheless, there was a reasonably common opinion in Aquaria that women were sometimes better suited to be with each other, especially soldiers.

"I understand, Clair. I know it's sudden, and there's much for us to settle before it's really a plausible idea. Please consider it, though. I love you, even if I have trouble with that sometimes. I want nothing like I want this."

Clair smiled softly, still trying to process everything, but finding herself much calmer now. Nel's acceptance, though accompanied by a faint wince of pain, of her hesitation was very reassuring, and it helped her mind settle itself into something like order. The redhead's proposal had caught her off guard, and it wasn't right to give her an answer now, when she was still afraid and unsure. As all her thoughts fell into place, she spoke in a warm, loving tone that carried a hint of steel.

"Give me, us, some time, Nel. When the time is right, I'll give you my answer. For now, though, we're going to work through the things that cause us to run from one another. We need to deal with the curse you so desperately fear, and if you try to run away from me again, I will follow you to the ends of the world. That is what I've promised you, and I will hold to it. No distance will take me from you, ever."

The spy smiled through tears of joy and relief and kissed the drops that had fallen from the pale brown eyes away.

"I may run, but I know it will never be because I want to. Everything I want is here with you. I promise this though: you are my home, my love, and my light, and for that I'll always protect you, be it from men, women, beasts, or gods. As for my fears, I am still afraid. Perhaps I always will be. Despite that, I'm tired of running to nowhere. From now on, I will make every effort to run to you when I'm afraid."

The gray-haired commander kissed Nel hard on the lips, sealing the pact they had made. She may not have answered the proposal yet, but she had made a promise, and nothing would make her break her word. The same was true of her warrior, who responded with the same fierce intensity. The vow was made and sealed, and nothing would undo it, not even gods, should any try.


	14. The Power of Conflict and Pain

Disclaimers: I don't own the rights to Star Ocean or its characters. I wish I did, but I don't. Don't sue me. I'm broke, and I don't make any money off this fic.

I am so, so sorry for how long this chapter took to write and post. I had a horrible case of writer's block over the summer, and school took up all my time when it started. I also just started a new job at the beginning of October, which took up even more of my time and energy, then my mother had major surgery, then I had to deal with finals and losing my job due to illness, which I'm still trying to cope with. I've only just gotten settled enough to write again. Once more, my apologies for the delay.

One last apology. The characters may seem somewhat OoC, but please bear with me. I haven't written anything but essays for a long time and I haven't written this story in even longer. Thank you all for your patience and understanding.

**Two Soldiers: Fire and Ice**

**Chapter 14: The Power of Conflict and Pain**

Clair stormed out of the courtyard, away from her smug, arrogant father. The man had gone too far, and she hated the way he thought he could control her life. She had chosen someone, whether he knew it or not, and she wouldn't allow him to get in the way of that. She passed through an archway, still fuming.

"How dare he! I have my own life! I'm an adult! She's my choice! What right does he have to think he can make such decisions for me!"

She continued ranting angrily as she started to turn a corner, but just then a small form knocked into her. Before she could fall, strong arms, their touch immediately recognized by her body, grabbed her. Her muscles abruptly relaxed, leaving her nearly limp.

"Nel."

The redhead blinked, startled both by the sudden impact and the abrupt relaxation of the woman in her arms. She had been looking for the taller woman, intending to ask her about something or other, but whatever it was had slipped her mind. All she could think about was the warmth of the body she held and how upset Clair obviously was.

"Clair? Is... did something happen?"

The stronger woman hugged her more tightly as the runologist leaned further into her, looking in the direction Clair had come from. She could see Adray presiding over a group of exhausted or collapsed Shield Legion runologists, and began to understand. He was back up to his old habit of trying to control Clair's life. It was something that had always infuriated the runologist, and seeing her beloved friend upset had always upset and enraged Nel. There were so few things that could actually anger the even-tempered Clair, but her father seemed to yank every last nerve in her body and that was what upset the redhead. She loved Clair, and was learning that she probably always had, and seeing anything upset her friend got to her too.

"What did Adray do this time, Clair?"

The gray-haired woman sighed softly, trying to let go of the anger. She hated being angry, and besides, it felt like a waste of precious time to be upset when she was with Nel. She wanted to bask in the compact woman's presence and love. She had only just started to be sure that the woman was really there to stay, that she wouldn't turn around and find her gone. She couldn't quite manage it, though, and when she spoke, her voice came out in a near-snarl.

"That... that man thinks he can run my life! First he thinks he can take command of MY soldiers, put them through an incredibly harsh, nearly cruel training program, then he has the audacity to tell them that whoever finishes whatever hell he's putting them through will be my husband! He thinks I'll actually go along with this half-wit scheme of his!"

Nel was silent, trying to curb her sudden rage. She didn't want Clair to know how upset she was, but it was all she could do not to go over to the man and tear him apart. He had no right to think that he could run his fully-grown daughter's life. Even worse, whether he knew it or not, he was trying to take Clair away from. Clair was **_HERS_**. He would not take her from her. No one would. She wouldn't let anyone take the woman she loved from her.

"Nel? What's wrong?"

Pale brown eyes were looking at her in confusion, and Nel realized that she had been growling lowly. She blinked, realizing what she had just been thinking. She shook her head, her anger more at herself now than Adray. At least he had the excuse of being naive, dense, and Clair's father. She knew better.

'Clair is not a possession or a trophy! How could I, of all people, think that? I know better! I know she's a strong, beautiful, independent woman who is by no means something to be passed around or given away. She's so much more than some damn object! I... just thinking in those terms is almost a betrayal to her. I can't become like her father. I love her. I need her. I can't lose her love and respect the way Adray has.'

As she thought it, she realized just how important the reminder to herself was. In those few moments, she had become jealous and possessive in a way she had never been, and she hadn't enjoyed the feeling. She also knew that she had been right both in her assessment of the situation with Adray and of herself. Clair was everything to her. The possibility of a marriage with the beautiful Shield Legion commander was all she wanted, all she could hope for. To be Clair's wife would give her life meaning it had never had before, and would inform everyone around them that there would be no separating them.

"I'm sorry, Clair," the redhead said softly, pulled out of her thoughts by her companion's worried expression, "I was just thinking. So... you were saying?"

Clair studied her old friend, deciding to let whatever had upset Nel go for the moment, but not for too long.

"Oh yes. Adray also said that it was shameful for a woman of my age to be unmarried and that my attitude explained it. I can't believe him. He thinks I can't pick a partner for myself, but I have. I chose who I would be with a long time ago. I just wish it could be made very clear to my father that I have chosen, and that he has no right to marry me off to whoever he wishes!"

Nel's eyes narrowed slightly, a faint warning sounding in her mind, which grew louder when Clair abruptly pulled her head up, looking her in the eye, her face lit up by what she obviously thought was a sudden stroke of brilliance.

"Nel, we should get married! It would show him that he has no influence in my life and that I'm quite capable of picking someone for myself. That should be enough to keep him from meddling again, and I know it would make us both happy, right? So..."

Clair broke off, looking into Nel's face. The redhead was shaking her head, her green eyes sad, her body sagging slightly.

"Clair..."

For a moment, it looked like Nel would say more, but then she closed her mouth and released the other woman, stepping back slightly. She was silent for a time, then sighed.

"Clair, I was just thinking about how happy marrying you would make me, but... but I can't just... I don't think we're quite ready for that. We're still getting used to being together, to loving each other. We've had so little time to ourselves until now, and I know that that's both our fault. As happy as I would be to be your wife, I won't do it for the wrong reasons. I won't do that, for both our sakes. I won't have you resenting me later because we rushed things to spite your father."

When Clair would have interrupted, the Secret Legion leader held up a hand, half-turning away.

"I love you, Clair Lasbard, and I would love nothing more than to be your wife, but this... this is wrong. My answer is no. I... I'm sorry."

The redhead turned, starting to walk away.

"Nel, wait!"

"Clair... my love... I need some time. I need to think. I need to... I need to be alone for a while. I'll find you when I'm ready to talk."

With that, Nel walked away, her shoulders hunched and her head bowed. She hadn't wanted to do it, but she had no choice. Even so, every step was agonizingly difficult, her heart, body, and soul wanting nothing more than to turn around and retreat into Clair's arms, but that wasn't an option. She had told the truth. She needed some time to think about what had just happened, and to figure out what it all meant.

"Nel..." Clair whispered, her heart breaking as she realized what she'd just done. Nel had been right. She had wanted to spite her father by making sure everyone knew she was taken. On the other hand, she genuinely wanted that. She wanted everyone to know that she belonged to Nel, and no one else. While the idea of being owned by, or belonging to someone, was usually anathema to her, she didn't mind with Nel, because it was true. She belonged to the redhead. The spy owned her, and didn't even seem to realize it. And now, because she had made a foolish mistake, and had let her anger towards her father drive her action, she may have lost what mattered most in her life, or at least damaged it. The worst part was not being sure she could fix it. She started to move after Nel, then hesitated, torn. She felt her emotions splitting, one part desperately needing to go after her beloved, the other needing to give Nel what she said she needed. Before she could make a decision, she felt a hand on her arm, but didn't turn, her eyes fixed on the retreating form.

"There you are, daughter. I've found your future husband."

Brown eyes flashed, and the runologist spun around, her hair whipping around her face. The tails hurt, but she didn't even notice. She was almost completely overwhelmed by rage, except for the part of her that still needed to follow Nel.

"How dare you!" she growled, eyes blazing, "What right do you have!"

Adray blinked, somewhat startled, but not overly concerned. He was sure he could calm his daughter down. She was always so temperamental around him.

"There's no reason to be that way, young lady. He's a nice enough young man, with a strong spirit. A good match for you. I think-"

"I DON'T CARE WHAT YOU THINK!"

Rage radiated off the young woman, and an aura of power erupted around her. Brown eyes narrowed, and one hand came up as if of its own will. Silver light wrapped around it, a red glow around her hand.

"How dare you! You cannot run my life, or choose whom I spend it with. You have no idea who I am, or who I've become!"

"Calm down, child. I was just-"

Again Clair's eyes flashed, the aura around her intensifying. Adray took a step back in pure reaction. He had never seen Clair like this. His daughter had never seemed completely out of control, though she was often angry with him for some reason or another. This was different, though. She looked incredibly dangerous, and he knew that she was a threat to him as she was right now. He carefully drew his sword, keeping it out of Clair's line of vision. If he could just hit her with the flat of the blade, he could knock her out. He had a fair idea what was happening to her. He had heard of a 'runology aura,' something that could only happen to someone who had a great deal of natural power. It had something to do with extremes of emotions, though he knew very little about it other than that. All he was sure of was that it was dangerous.

'Just give me an opening...'

While everything was happening, Nel was walking towards the gateway to the castle. She felt something in her gut twist, then she heard the shout. She turned around rapidly, seeing Adray talking to an obviously enraged Clair. As her friend's arm came up, she felt a wave of intense cold pass over her. She could tell, even from this distance, that Clair was about to release the stored energy within her, and at the very least it would kill the man in front of her. At worst, it could destroy the city. Another wave of ice passed through her, and she uttered one word.

"Clair..."

She didn't know how she knew, but she did. What she felt had something to do with whatever was happening to Clair. For a moment, she was torn, but as soon as she saw the light erupting around Clair, she realized she didn't have a choice. She had studied runology auras after experiencing one herself. Most people didn't realize this, but she loved to read and understand the world she lived in. Runology auras were a gathering of power triggered by an excess of conflicting emotions. Only the most powerful runologists could call one up, since it required immense reserves of power and spell energy. More often than not, it was spontaneous, but they could be controlled with practice. They did still require a trigger, but she knew she had one. She hadn't done this deliberately before, but she tried, letting her emotions run through her and take over. As she saw Adray move towards his sword and felt Clair's power rise, she moved, praying, not to gods she knew didn't exist, but to the only thing she trusted in, her beloved's heart.

'Please, Clair, give me the strength to help you. Please let this work. I don't care if you hurt me, at least not right now. We'll deal with that later. Just... just help me now. Let this work.'

She felt power rush through her, and she jumped up, doing a flip and drawing her blades in midair. She landed just Clair's energy was released and Adray swung his sword. She held out one arm, creating a shield radiating off the larger blade, her smaller blade blocking Adray's stroke. Nel could feel the devastating force of Clair's rage and confusion pound against her shield, and when she looked into brown eyes, they were empty, devoid of life or emotion. The energy pounding against her would be enough to blow up the huge city, and her shield could barely hold it back. The blast was pure, uncontrolled, raw emotion, and contained more power than she had at her disposal, but Nel had the advantage of control. She let her emotions free, but not without some control. That was all that saved them. As her shield absorbed the energy, she could feel Clair's emotions in it, the agony, the terror, and the rage all warring against each other. Before she could do anything else, she felt something press against her sword, and she turned.

"Nel, what are you doing? I was trying to restrain her! Are you trying to get us all killed? Get out of the way, girl!"

"What did you do?" she growled softly, looking him straight in the eye. Faint lines of red fire outlined her body and blades, her shield glowing, translucent silver. The heatless flames were barely visible, but she knew that Adray could see them.

"I did nothing but my duty as her father! I found her a husband! I'm just taking care of my little girl! She's my responsibility!"

Nel growled lowly, the flames intensifying, reaching her eyes now. The green orbs glowed, and for one of the few times in his life, Adray Lasbard was frightened. This was a barely controlled aura, and the only thing keeping his daughter's destructive power under control. If it should slip, Aquios could be demolished.

"She is not a child! You cannot direct her life! She chooses her own path!"

"She is my little girl, and I'll not see her grow up alone and miserable! She couldn't find someone on her own, so I took it upon myself to do it for her! She should be thanking me, not trying to kill me! And you, too! I need to knock her out and take her home with me so we can have a talk and she can be treated."

"ENOUGH!"

Nel shoved against his sword, and Adray was sent stumbling back, startled by the incredible strength in the slight woman.

"She is MINE! Clair chose me!" she snarled, baring her teeth, then forced herself to calm down. She couldn't afford to lose what control she had left. "You will not take her from me! Clair will be my wife. She and I will have our life, our own family. Until you can get it through that damned thick skull of yours, you stay away from her. Don't you realize that this could kill her!"

He blinked, then simply stared at the spy for a long time.

"She's my daughter," he said finally, somewhat uncertain.

Nel could feel her energy being drained far too rapidly while Clair's was only just fading. She turned away from him, only just being aware of his slowly retreating steps, instead trying to focus everything she had left to give on Clair. She knew her shield was faltering, but if she could hold on long enough to reach her, it would be okay.

"Clair, listen to me! Stop this! Please, my dear Clair, stop!"

She begged and pleaded, but it didn't seem to reach the other woman. She could hear Adray behind her, and realized he had only gone back a few steps. Nel knew she would have to do something more direct, and it didn't matter if he saw it or not. Nothing mattered except calming Clair before she killed herself. The redhead moved as close as she could while still having the shield between herself and the energy radiating from Clair, then hesitated. The power had lessened, but it could still potentially be deadly. With a sigh, she drew the last of her own power around her and moved that last step, dropping her swords. She could feel the force of Clair's emotions assaulting her, but she ignored that, instead pressing her lips to her beloved's in a fierce kiss, pulling the pale woman against her with all the strength she had. The aura of power faded, and with it the energy that had been tearing at her.

"Nel..." Clair whimpered softly, pressing harder into Nel. She deepened the kiss as a rush of heat went through her, driving away the rage. "Gods, Nel..."

The redhead pulled away after a long moment, looking into brown eyes. As the haze cleared from them, she could see regret, guilt, pain, and confusion fill them.

"Nel, what... what are you doing here?"

"I had to help you," the spy said simply, finally letting herself feel the pain she was in. Clair's power had scorched her skin wherever she had come into contact with the aura, and had torn gashes in her clothes and flesh. She sagged, limping a step or two away from her friend. "You and I still need to talk about what happened, and I still need to think, but I couldn't let you kill your father and possibly destroy Aquios. You would regret it to no end. It could have destroyed your spirit. I did what I had to do to save you and them, but now... I have to go."

She turned away, staggering towards the castle gates. Before she could get more than a few steps away, she collapsed bonelessly. Clair, who had been watching her, started forward, but as soon as she tried to move, her legs collapsed from under her, and she fell, first to her knees, then, when she tried to catch herself, her elbows collapsed too, leaving her in a heap. She tried reaching for Nel, but her body wouldn't cooperate. She felt her consciousness slip away, and couldn't summon the energy to fight the coming wave of exhaustion.

"Nel..."

Clair passed out, leaving her father a few steps away staring at the two unconscious soldiers. He didn't know what to do. Too much had happened, and he was having trouble processing everything. Several castle guards rushed out to attend to the two women, and he strode forward to help. It was all he could think to do.

**(Okay, those of you who stuck with me, I'm sorry. I know this chapter wasn't one of my better ones, and was kind of odd, but I wanted to get something up before classes started, and it gave me some ideas for the next chapter. I know this one is short, but please forgive me. I'll try to get the next one up much, much sooner, and I'll work to make it better.)**


	15. The Dreams They Shared

Disclaimers: I don't own the rights to Star Ocean or its characters, I'm merely borrowing them. I make no profit from this fic, though at times I wish I did. In any case, suing me is a waste of time and money, and anyone who says otherwise is just plain wrong.

So, I know there used to be several chapters after this one, but after re-reading them with the intention of finishing the story, I decided I didn't like them as written. After re-reading the reviews, I'm thinking about just editing them a bit so they fit better, but I'm not sure yet. I'll have to read them again and decide what to do. I want to finish this story, but I want the ending to be worth the wait and worth the read.

**Two Soldiers: Fire and Ice**

**Chapter 15: The Dreams They Shared, The Pain They Healed**

Nel groaned, slowly opening her eyes. The room she was in was only dimly lit, but even that was too bright, immediately burning her eyes. The soft voices coming from nearby made her head pound, which made her excruciatingly aware of a headache that threatened to split her head in two.

"Your majesty, she's waking up."

That comment caused her eyes to open fully, which only made the burning sensation worse. She blinked back tears of pain, forcing her eyes to focus. The queen and a woman who had to be a doctor swam into view, and Nel tried to sit up, meaning to salute the queen. The injudicious movement nearly knocked her out again, the agony it caused making her heart pound and her vision go black.

"Rest, Lady Nel. You aren't strong enough to rise yet."

"Your Majesty..."

The redhead's voice, much to her annoyance and frustration, came out in a weak, painful rasp. Her throat was sore and dry, and talking only made it worse. The healer who had been talking to the queen helped her sit up enough to swallow some water, though she had to hold the cup to Nel's lips. Her throat eased, the spy tried again.

"Your Majesty..." she started, finding that while it wasn't quite painful to talk now, it still wasn't comfortable, "What happened? Where am I?"

"You are in your room in the castle. You've been unconscious for nearly a week. The energy you expended during the... the battle of sorts you had with Lady Clair and Adray Lasbard nearly killed both of you."

Nel sorted through her scattered, hazy memories, trying to remember the battle the queen mentioned. Images of Clair surrounded by silver fire, an empty expression on her face, filled her mind. As the memories came to her, so did the emotions. As she tried to sort through the chaotic storm, she realized she wasn't just remembering her own feelings. She was also remembering Clair's. Somehow the clashing of the two auras had given her a window into Clair's spirit, and now she knew what her beloved had been thinking and feeling during the conflict. As she remembered what she had been upset about and what the runologist's reaction to it had been, she realized that sometime during her coma, she'd forgiven the other woman. She could vaguely remember dreaming of Clair, but beyond that nothing more. All she knew for sure at the moment was that somehow she and her beloved had come to an understanding. As her last memories of both her dreams and the reality of their battle came to her, she forced herself upright again, ignoring the pain.

"Clair! Where is Clair?" Her voice came out as panicked, and it took a moment to understand why. In her dreams, Clair had been with her. She'd been suffering, and Nel had been needed to ease her pain. If Clair was alone now, she could be suffering again.

"She's currently resting in her room," the queen replied, looking slightly startled, "She hadn't awoken as of my last check. Is something wrong?"

Nel pulled herself out of bed, shutting out the objections of the two women in her way. She stumbled past them, heading for the door. She worked her way across the hall, barely reaching the door without collapsing. She knew she was putting more strain on her body than it could handle at the moment, but she didn't care. She had to get to Clair. She pushed the door open with trembling hands and fell to her knees. She forced her legs to keep moving, and dragged herself to the bed. The spy pulled herself up, finally collapsing at the runologist's side. She didn't even notice the startled doctor, who started to move towards her but was held back by the queen.

"Clair..."

Unnoticed by the redhead, the three women left the room, giving them some privacy.

"Damn it, Clair. Why do things like this have to happen? Why do we seem to always end up fighting? Why do we keep hurting each other and pushing each other away?"

She paused, lifting her hand with an effort to stroke Clair's face.

"I'm so tired of fighting with you. I'm tired of trying to feel less for you than I do. I'm tired of hurting you. Is it my curse? Or my cowardice because of it?"

'I push her away because I'm afraid of my "curse," but if I'm not careful, it'll be self-fulfilling,' she realized, 'If I lose her, it'll be because I was too afraid to stand and fight for her... to fight with her. For us.'

"Your fear and mine drive us apart, Clair. You're afraid I won't come back, and I'm afraid you'll leave," she said slowly, only just coming to understand it herself, "But how much more of this can we take? I can't keep watching you get hurt, or keep being the reason for it. And now... Now I know exactly how you feel when I turn away from you. Knowing that... I can't do it anymore, Clair..."

With another massive effort, she pulled Clair into her arms, holding the taller woman against her. She didn't know if her words were reaching her beloved, but for some reason, she thought they might be. She just had a feeling that somewhere in the depths of her mind, Clair was listening.

"I've tried living without you in my life, Clair. It's never worked. It hurts too much, and every single time I leave I end up running back to you. And now... I know I was upset before. I also know I had every reason to be. But none of that matters anymore. I just realized that. The past isn't what's important for us."

She paused again, taking a few deep breaths to restore oxygen to her weakened body. The longer she talked the harder it was, but she knew she had to get all of this out while she could. She was starting to remember more of her dreams, and was starting to wonder about how real they'd seemed. It was like Clair had really been with her.

"I want to marry you, Clair. I think you know that. I want to declare before the queen, your father, and our people that you are mine, and I'm yours. I want everyone to know that you and I are bound to each other, and I want us to find that that bond can't be broken. Even when I thought I wanted it to break, it never did. If it could survive all of this, I'm sure it can survive anything. But first we have to decide to let it."

Nel was fully aware that the things she was saying were rather uncharacteristic of her, but she didn't care. The words were coming as if they had a will of their own, driven by her own emotions and something else, a feeling that the words had to be said.

"I want to marry you because I love you, and you love me. I didn't want to agree to marry you for the wrong reasons, but... what about the right ones? I know I was upset, and I think I had the right to be, but... I don't want to be upset anymore. I don't think I am, really. I think I just need you to understand why I reacted as I did."

She took a deep breath, bracing herself to say what was in her heart.

"I want you to know that if we do get married, it'll be because we're both really ready to. We'll both be willing and able to stop fighting like this, stop pushing ourselves and each other away, I can't tell you how much I want all of that, but for you, Clair, I'd wait forever. I just hope I don't have to. We have to be ready to live a real life, rather than this empty existence that we hide ourselves in when we're apart and afraid. So..."

She sighed, no longer able to stand Clair's unresponsiveness. Tears filled her eyes, all but blinding her. Her body shook even more, though this time it was due to her overwhelming emotions.

"Please, Clair, just open your eyes and say you love me!"

Nel pressed her lips to Clair's, and she was so shaken and frustrated that it was a long moment before she realized that she was being kissed back. She pulled away slightly, finding foggy brown eyes looking up at her.

"Clair!"

"Nel..."

One of the healers came in to check on the two, and upon realizing that Clair was conscious, she unobtrusively helped her swallow some water. She withdrew again as quickly as possible, not wanting to interrupt or get in the way of whatever conversation the soldiers were having.

"How long have you been awake?" Nel asked softly, confused and taken off guard, but also pleased. She had her Clair back, and right then, that was what really mattered. Clair smiled gently in response to both the question and the smile on her own face.

"Long enough. I could hear your voice in my dreams. When I woke up I realized you were really here, and that you were really saying the things I had dreamed you were. So... does all that mean you forgive me? I... I know I acted thoughtlessly and irresponsibly. I should have-"

The runologist was silenced by a soft kiss, which she welcomed with a small, happy sigh. She knew her head and body hurt, but Nel's kiss drove the sensation to the back of her mind, making her only vaguely aware of it. When the kiss ended after some indefinite period of time, Clair found her voice again.

"Nel," she whispered, "I love you."

Green eyes teared up, and the spy would have said something, but Clair shook her head slightly to stop her, too weak to raise her hand.

"I want to marry you, Nel. I want to be your wife, to declare to all our world and any other that will listen that I am yours, and only yours, and that you are mine, and mine alone."

As she spoke, Clair realized that her own voice made her head throb, but when Nel lifted a trembling hand to her face, the pain faded again.

"Clair..." Nel paused, then sighed softly. "I love you too."

That was all she needed to say. Clair relaxed fully, understanding everything she had meant to say but didn't have the energy to. Green eyes softened as her beloved friend snuggled against her as best as her tired body would allow. Nel moved closer too, until there was no space between them. With twin exhausted sighs, they drifted into sleep, their extremely limited stores of energy depleted. The healers returned then with the queen, and were stunned by the two women's condition. The doctors looked to the queen for orders, and were further surprised to find her smiling.

"All will be well. Watch over them, but give them their privacy when they awaken. I feel they will have much to discuss... and plans to make."

Confused but willing, the healers did as they were told. The two soldiers slept through the day and halfway into the next, waking fairly early in the afternoon. They were both stiff and tired, but the body pain and headaches were mostly gone, leaving only a dull throbbing. They could immediately detect something that smelled very tasty, and found a tray of still-steaming food on the desk. It seemed that someone had been looking in on them and knew when they were stirring. That might have bothered them, but they were too distracted by hungry gratitude to care. Nel pulled the tray over to them, finding that she had much more energy than she had when she'd first woken up, though that wasn't saying much.

"Here, let me help you with that," she said, noticing that Clair was having trouble holding her utensils. She could understand why when she thought about it. Of the two of them, Clair had expended more raw energy, and so was more drained than Nel was. Of course, runologically speaking, Clair had more energy to expend in the first place, but the battle of the auras had been more draining than anything they'd ever done.

"Thank you, Nel," Clair murmured, giving her a long, loving look. Nel smiled back, somewhat shyly, her face a little red.

"You're welcome... my love."

The words came out a little awkwardly, but they felt natural, like she had been waiting to say them for a long time. She still felt somewhat embarrassed, but Clair's bright smile made it worth it. She smiled back, lifting a bite of food to her friend's lips. As they ate, they talked about what had happened. Clair explained the rage that had caused her to attack her father and almost kill herself while Nel explained her reaction to Clair's ill-timed proposal in more detail. Interestingly, it was almost like they had had this conversation before, but couldn't quite remember it. Still, it helped to get all of that out. It lifted a burden from their minds, but at the same time was mentally and emotionally exhausting. They fell asleep again, but it was a healing, restorative sleep. They woke to find another tray waiting for them, and the previous one cleared away.

"Do you get the feeling that they're watching us?" Clair asked, somewhere between annoyed and tolerant. Nel chuckled, sitting up and bringing the tray over.

"Yes, but I think the queen told them to, and can you blame her? You're the Arias commander, after all. She needs you. You're irreplaceable."

"So are you, Nel," Clair replied, her tone mildly chiding, "You command the Secret Legion as no one has before. Your subordinates are by far the best trained and disciplined soldiers in Aquaria, and you yourself are the best spy in Aquarian history."

Before Nel could object, she lifted a hand.

"Don't argue with me on this, Nel. I've studied as much history as you have. I looked specifically at the histories of spies in Aquaria. You are the single most successful agent this country has ever had, and the only spy who has never been captured by the enemy during a foray into their territory."

Nel sighed, deciding against arguing. Clair was in one of her stubborn moods, and there was no point in arguing with her when she was like that.

"Whatever you say, Clair."

The runologist looked very pleased with herself, smiling almost smugly. Nel laughed to herself, moving to bring a plate closer to her. When she shifted, she winced, pain shooting up her arm. The silver-haired woman saw the change in her expression and moved her friend back down.

"Nel, what's wrong?"

"Nothing, just... sore, I guess."

Clair frowned, pushing aside the fresh tunic that must have been put on Nel while they were sleeping. As she did, she noticed vaguely that she was also dressed in fresh clothes, but the thought didn't really register on a conscious level. She found that Nel's body was covered in scrapes and burns, as if she'd been hit by some kind of spell or something. It looked a bit like a cross between some kind of wind attack and a fire attack, but somehow unlike either of them.

"Nel, what happened to you! How'd this happen!"

The redhead sighed, not able to object quickly enough to stop Clair from unbelting her tunic, revealing just how much of her body was injured. The wounds were from getting too close to Clair's aura during the battle, but she didn't want to say that. The marks had been partially healed, but they were still sore and tender, and there seemed to be a couple the healer had missed, like the one on her arm. She sighed again, looking up into sad, worried brown eyes.

"Clair, I'm fine. It's nothing you should worry about."

The runologist frowned, tracing a strange scar between Nel's breasts. She closed her eyes, trying to remember when Nel would have been injured. Her memories of the battle were a little vague, but she could remember the redhead approaching her, a silver shield between them and then... there wasn't.

"I did that," she whispered, guilt washing over her, "I caused you those wounds. I..."

Clair tried to say more, but her throat blocked up, tears filling her eyes. One hand absently traced the viscous looking scar she'd been examining before while her eyes ran over Nel's slim form, finding every scar and burn mark that hadn't been there before. She was fairly familiar with her friend's scars, as she made a point of making sure that Nel had no new wounds that she'd forgotten to treat whenever she came into town, so she was able to find the new marks easily enough. They were all over her body, angry red against her paler-than-usual skin.

"Clair, it's okay. Please calm down," Nel said softly, trying to soothe her distraught friend, "They're healing, and I'm fine."

But the runologist didn't calm down. Her body shook, and her face paled even further. A soft whimper passed her lips as the cut she'd jarred earlier started to bleed slowly. Nel sighed, wondering what to do. A thought occurred to her, and while she wasn't sure it would work, she didn't have any better ideas. With an innocent look on her face, she discreetly shrugged her tunic the rest of the way off along with her bra. Pale eyes widened as they were met with an almost completely naked Nel.

"N-Nel..."

Barely capable to keep from laughing, the spy forced herself to maintain her innocent expression as she rose, turning her back on Clair for a moment as she moved the tray back to her desk. While she was turned away, she managed a quick minor healing spell that stopped the bleeding in her arm. When she turned around again, she moved smoothly toward her friend, using the same slow, deliberate, nearly silent step she used when sneaking up on enemies. She got just the reaction she wanted as Clair's eyes tracked over her body. They definitely weren't looking at her wounds, either. When she was in easy reach of the other woman, she stopped, waiting patiently.

"N-N-N-Nel..." Clair stammered, barely able to keep herself from being totally overwhelmed by the vision before. She kept trying to drag her attention back to the wounds she'd caused, but her eyes wouldn't allow it, and her body was straining to reach out and touch her beloved friend. She saw the wounds, but under those was the same beauty and power that she'd fallen in love with. Strong muscles rippled as Nel shifted minutely, and watching that made her all but forget about the wounds. Her hand rose slowly, running through the red hair, down Nel's face and neck, then her chest. It stopped just below the spy's waist, trembling faintly.

"Nel... I... Can I... I want..."

Clair sighed, frustrated that she couldn't get the words out. Nel just smiled, gently helping her friend to her feet. She was realizing that this had transformed from an attempt at distraction to something far more serious, but that didn't bother her. She felt like maybe it should have, but... it felt like she'd been waiting her whole life for this. The timing might seem strange to some, but there was no fighting this, nor was there any desire to. She could see the need in the pale brown eyes, and knew this was happening. It was past time. They had been fighting this for a very long time. There had always been something between them, a connection that surpassed anything either of them had ever felt. Right now, though, they were both realizing that sometime during their comas, something had happened between them. It was like whatever barrier had been between them before had fallen away, leaving them completely exposed. All that was left was to take this final step, and there would be no walls left.

"Let me help you, Clair," she whispered softly, "Let me do this for you. Let me do this for us."

After only a split second's hesitation, the runologist relaxed completely, closing her eyes as Nel undressed her gently and lovingly. They slipped into bed together, Nel guiding Clair down onto her back. As they made love, something passed between, creating a connection unlike anything they'd experienced before, even considering the connection they'd always had. It was like power and fire and strength, but was also like calm and ice and stability, with a great deal of love mixed in. As they were about to fall into a deep sleep of the kind only known to truly satisfied and sated lovers, Clair asked the only question she could think of, and in that moment, the only question that, in that moment, truly mattered.

"Nel... stay with me?"

The redhead smiled lovingly, kissing her friend, now lover, gently but passionately.

"Forever, Clair."

They fell asleep rapidly, and were so deeply unconscious that they were utterly unaware of the three women who came into their room and stopped to stare at them. The queen and the two healers had come to check in on them, and were astonished by the sight they were met with. The two women they'd come to see were wrapped in each other others, so tightly tangled that it was next to impossible to determine where one ended and the other began. That in and of itself was something remarkable, even for Nel and Clair, but there was more. Surrounding them both was an aura of fiery red and icy silver. It seemed to wash over both of them, rippling and flowing like languid water or molten metal. The queen stepped closer, holding her hand over the aura, tilting her head.

"Most interesting. I've only read of such a thing in the ancient texts..." she said softly, mostly to herself.

"Your Majesty? I take it that there is no danger from this? I've never seen or heard of such a phenomenon. Is there any threat here?"

The queen shook her head slowly, still standing over her soldiers. A faint smile crossed her face as the red and silver energy swirled together, giving her a glimpse of what was going on in their minds.

"This is another form of the runology aura that almost killed Lady Nel and Lady Clair. It's much more benign, however, as it is not fueled by the turmoil of negative emotions. Rather, it is caused by what could be termed an excess of positive emotions that need an outlet. When two people who have the incredible power that these two do fall in love as completely as they have, it forms a bond. As their hearts bond, their power does the same. They will both be stronger for it, as the power of two is far more than the power of one. Curiously, in all the history of Aquaria, I have found only one other couple that had such a bond."

"Such a thing has happened before?" the younger healer asked, fascinated. She'd never heard the queen speak for so long, or sound so... enthusiastic. Besides, the topic was genuinely interested. She got a faint smile from the monarch, and relaxed, realizing that she could have been considered impertinent.

"One was a scholar and healer, while the other was a front line soldier who was wounded protecting her. He was an exceptional soldier, and she an incredible healer. He almost died, and she almost killed herself to bring him back to life. They fell in love with each other and formed a runological bond. Together the two of them almost single-handedly kept the plains free of both enemies and monsters. They were quite impressive as a team."

"Majesty... don't Lady Clair and Lady Nel patrol the Plains?"

"That is correct. While we do have other soldiers to do that, Lady Nel and Lady Clair are by far the best at it. Together they can clear the road from here to Kirlsa without any significant effort. Individually they might be in danger, but together they balance each other out and protect each other. They always have."

The queen paused, looking down at the glowing soldiers, looking almost like a proud mother.

"I have watched them since they were children, when I myself was young. They have always been good for each other. They have always protected, cared for, and balanced for each other. No matter what happened, these two women have always been drawn to each other. They appear to be opposites, one fiery and rash, the other cool and collected, but without one another, they might have fallen. Lady Nel might have long ago died in battle, or lost herself in death, while Lady Clair may have been broken by war or been relegated to the background, a post without honor. Neither of them would ever be complete without the other."

She sighed softly, running her hand through Nel's thick red hair and lightly brushing Clair's cheek. Her eyes were unusually soft, her expression tender.

"Their bond is incredible. I believe it is far more powerful than their predecessors'. For them, it isn't merely their power that has merged. Their very spirits have joined."

"What does that mean for them?" the older healer asked, speaking up for the first time since the story began.

"What one feels, the other is, on some level, aware of. Their dreams are shared, as are their nightmares. I don't know enough about such things to be sure, but I believe that if one were to be injured, the other would know, and perhaps be hurt herself."

"And..." the healer hesitated, then pressed on, "if one were to die?"

"Why... I imagine the other would too, at least in spirit. I don't think they could survive without the other now."

Both healers stared at the queen, stunned by her calm, and then noticed the sadness in her face.

"Come, let us leave them to their rest."

The healers bowed and left. The queen started to follow, then turned back to the sleeping soldiers. She leaned over them, kissing each of them lightly on the brow.

"Sleep well, my children. Know that you have all the blessings it is in my power to give."

She gently brushed Nel's hair again, smiling down at her. Nel had always been particularly dear to her, especially after her father had died. She would never be able to tell her, but she loved the young woman as much as if she were her own flesh and blood. With another soft smile, the queen left, knowing that the spy and the runologist were in good hands.

'Take care of each other. You belong together.'

Clair was the first to wake up as light fell across her face. She opened her eyes, immediately looking for and finding Nel. She smiled, and then tilted her head, noticing an odd light around them. She watched it, studying the swirling red and silver.

"It's so beautiful..."

She looked over at Nel, smiling warmly. The spy was watching the play of energy too, and then those green eyes fixed on her with all the love and devotion she could ever desire. Her smile widened, and she leaned over and kissed the other woman gently.

"You're so beautiful," Nel said softly, her voice as tender and loving as it had ever been. Clair leaned in and kissed her again, feeling her body pressing into the other woman. The kiss lasted a long time, and both of them were reluctant to end it, but they needed to breathe. Nel laughed softly at Clair's disappointed expression when she started to get up and pulled her up with her.

"We need to bathe, Clair. As much as I love you, and would love to stay in bed with you, we need to get clean. Don't you agree?"

It was Clair's turn to laugh, and she wrapped a robe around herself and another around Nel before they went into the bathing room. They settled into the large tub together, playfully washing one another as they speculated about the energy that was still surrounding them, and the sense of total connection that had been between them since the night before, without coming to any conclusions. As they rinsed off and soaked, Clair started thinking about the dream she'd had, and felt the compulsion to talk about it with Nel.

"I had a really interesting dream last night. Do you want to hear about it?"

"Of course, Clair. I'll tell you about mine afterwards."

"Well." she started, shifting so she was resting against Nel's wet front, her head on the other woman's shoulder, "it started... well, actually it started where my dream from the night before last left off. I don't think I've ever had that happen before."

Nel waited patiently for her lover to go on, thinking about the fact that she seemed to be having dreams that came consecutively too. It was strange, as she'd never dreamed much, and she usually had nightmares. As Clair gathered herself to speak again, she turned her attention away from that, deciding that she'd rather focus on her right now.

"I've been having these dreams about being in this green field with you. We were... I think we were sitting under a tree, a lot like we're sitting now, actually, except that we were dressed. The first dream was about us talking. I can't really remember what about, but... but it was a good talk. We cleared up a lot of things, I think. Then we were somewhere else... I think it was a... a spaceship. I was asking you about something else, something we hadn't talked about before. There was a battle, and... and I think I was wounded. You protected me and made the pain go away. We went back to the field after that, and you comforted me because I was upset. I was feeling guilty about something, but you made it better."

She paused, feeling Nel tense behind her.

"Nel, what's wrong?"

"Clair... did you dream that we had a picnic lunch there? That we talked about the aura battle and the reasons behind it? That we forgave each other?"

Startled brown eyes stared up at her.

"How did you know?"

Nel shook her head, shaken by the whole situation. She'd felt like Clair was in her dreams with her, but to have that confirmed...

"I had the same dream, Clair. We were eating a lunch made of most of our favorite foods... There was a battle during the meal... you were injured, and I took care of you."

"Then..." the runologist stared off into space, "then you went away. Next thing I know, I hear your voice, and I wake up to find you there."

They both sat in silence for a while, trying to understand what was happening between them. The fact that they'd had the same dreams for a week and a half meant something had actually changed between them, and it wasn't just a strange feeling. What that would mean, exactly, was still unclear. They didn't know how far their bond went, or if it just affected their dreams. They both assumed that the aura around them had something to do with it, but for all that they'd studied the history of Aquaria, both military and peacetime, unlike most soldiers, neither of them had ever found any reference of such a thing happening.

"The only person I can think of who might know something about this that we don't is the queen. Perhaps we should talk to her."

"Perhaps," Nel agreed, "But first, we need to get dried off and dressed, don't you think?"

Clair blushed, letting herself relax against her lover again.

"Can we stay like this for a little while longer? Please?"

The redhead laughed, pulling the other woman closer. It was a long time before they got out, and then only because the water was uncomfortably cold. They got dressed slowly, somewhat hindered by the attentions of the other, and at one point, a tickle fight. When they were finally Presentable, They went upstairs and were allowed into the queen's audience chamber immediately, where they were greeted by the kindly, if distant, queen and the irritable Laselle.

"Good morning, your Majesty, Magistrate Laselle. How are you?"

"Well enough, Lady Clair," the queen answered, holding up a hand to forestall an irritated answer from her magistrate, "and yourselves?"

"We're... we're as well as can be expected. Perhaps better. We... we actually had some things to ask you."

"Her Majesty's time is very valuable. Don't waste it with foolish questions."

"Laselle," the queen said warningly. The man subsided with an annoyed sigh, shifting his weight slightly. He glared into the distance, frustrated by the queen's refusal to let him do as he wished. He was her advisor, after all. With another look at her magistrate, the queen asked, "So how may I help you?"

Clair looked over at Nel, unsure how to phrase the question. She noticed that the aura was still vaguely visible around them, centered around where Nel's hand rested against hers. She slipped her fingers between the redhead's, clasping them gently. The aura flared up and swirled around them more brightly, and she felt strength and love rushing through her. She gasped softly and turned, seeing the same surprise in Nel's eyes. So... this connection obviously went beyond dreams. Laselle broke the moment by irritably clearing his throat.

"This... this connection," Clair started haltingly, still somewhat overwhelmed by the feeling of Nel's emotions coursing through her. There was encouragement, admiration, and a love bordering on reverence there, as well as surprise, desire, confidence, and just of nervousness. She shook her head, trying to concentrate, and continued. Interestingly, this time her voice was steady, the rush of strength she'd gotten from Nel easing her nerves.

"This connection that has formed between Nel and I... neither of us has ever studied anything like it, and we've studied as much of the history of our world as we have access to. We had wondered if you had found any reference to such a thing in the books and scrolls reserved for the priesthood and the royalty. It's... I don't think either of us would want it broken," and she felt approval and agreement at that, "but we would like to try to understand it. You may be the only person who could help us."

"Indeed."

Queen Rozaria stared off into the distance for a moment, and then recited the story she'd told the healers the night before. By the end of it, the two soldiers were both feeling decidedly confused and yet not. It seemed almost, but not quite familiar. Nel thought through the entire story, noticing some differences between the bond the ancient pair had had and the one they currently did.

"Your Majesty," she said, sounding a little unsure, but very aware of Clair's trust and confidence in her to say what they were both wondering, "there seems to be some differences in our situations. You see... you said that their power was joined, but... our dreams seem to be the same lately, and we've noticed that if we're touching, at least, we can feel one another's feelings. It's... it's quite powerful, actually."

The queen smiled slightly,

"I had guessed as much. There are some differences. Your bond seems to be far more powerful than the previously recorded one. A probable cause is the fact that you're both unusually gifted with runological ability. Another possibility is the time you two have known each other. You grew up caring for and loving one another. The others didn't. I believe that both factors make a rather significant impact on the strength of your bond."

Both commanders digested this, then Clair asked, "Is that what this light is? A... a visible manifestation of our bond?"

"Indeed it is. It is another form of the runology aura, much more benign than the form you two faced. When you two are strong, it will be too. It seems to require you to be in actual physical contact to truly appear, but that might be for the best."

Again the soldiers were silent for a time, trying to wrap their minds around the information they had been given. The queen watched them, ignoring the impatiently muttering Laselle. She let them concentrate on their thoughts for a while, and then broke in gently.

"Was there anything else you would like to ask?"

Nel looked up, then over at Clair. They were silent again for a moment, Nel seeming to ask Clair a silent question. The runologist nodded, and the spy smiled slowly. She turned back to her queen, the smile still in place.

"Your Majesty, we want your permission to marry."

Laselle snorted loudly.

"How is it you two can go from almost killing each other, not to mention everyone else in Aquios, to asking to marry? You have some nerve!"

"Laselle!" the queen almost snapped, "Silence! Remember what happened last night before you attempt to judge them."

"Last night?" the soldiers asked together, making the queen smile again.

"Last night there was a surge of runological power around the entire city. From reports I've heard, it seems that nightmares were soothed, and many who had been injured were, if not totally healed, at least eased. The only possible source of that power is the two of you."

Green and brown eyes widened at that, both women surprised by that particular side effect of their joining. They hadn't been at all aware of that, but they supposed that was to be expected. There hadn't been a lot of time or place for thought last night, either before or during any of it. After once again giving her two commanders time to understand what she'd told them, the queen spoke again.

"As for your request... I understand that Sir Adray may have some objections, but if he speaks to you about it, send him to me. I will make him understand the situation."

Clair's eyes widened as Nel's slow smile appeared again.

"You mean..."

The queen smiled. It was not lost on her that these two were making her smile more than she had in a long time.

"Your request is granted. It is not my place to stand in the way of such a bond. You have both my permission, and my blessing. In fact, I should like to preside over the ceremony, rather than one of the regular high priestesses as is traditional."

Both women were taken aback by the offer and agreed readily. That was more than they could have hoped for, and more than they had even imagined getting. Having the queen herself offer to preside over their ceremony was a great honor. It was very rare for her to do that, and showed just how much she supported them. With deep, respectful bows, they left, both very pleased with the situation. Laselle glared after them, then turned to the queen to object. She raised a hand, her gaze still on the door the commanders had left through.

"Be happy, for them, Laselle. Such things only happen once in generations. The very least I can do is bless their union. They deserve that, and much more."

He grunted, but let the matter go. After all, he couldn't help but agree.


	16. Memories and Bonds

Disclaimers: Blah, blah, blah. I don't own the rights to Star Ocean or its characters. Don't sue me.

Well, here we are again. So, no, this isn't exactly a "new" chapter, but I have made some changes. I decided that rather than deleting it entirely, I wanted to correct a couple of things, but leave the basic idea intact. It's part of the story I want to tell, I guess, and I'm rather attached to it.

**Two Soldiers: Fire and Ice**

**Chapter 16: Memories and Bonds**

"Destroy them."

A tall, silver-haired man turned to face his captain, his eyes wide.

"Sir?"

Their small unit stood on a ridge that overlooked a large Glyphian force, which could easily annihilate them. There was no way they could defeat those soldiers. If he wasn't mistaken, they were elite cavalry. Most of the Aquarian soldiers in the unit were runologists or light scouts. He was the only other officer in the group, and the only soldier besides the captain that carried a sword. The others had staves or daggers, and a couple had bows, but that was all. They couldn't stand against the Glyphians. He tried to convince himself he had heard wrong, but his captain's hard expression wasn't reassuring.

"You heard me, Lieutenant. Destroy the Glyphian force. Now."

"Sir," he started, wondering what he could say to keep them all from getting killed, "we can't. That looks like elite cavalry. We wouldn't stand a chance. If we wait for reinforcements, perhaps, but-"

The captain, who drew his sword and pressed the tip of the blade against his throat, cut him off. One of the runologists, a healer, started to speak, but the lieutenant held up a hand.

"Are you questioning my orders, Lieutenant?" the captain asked lowly, his dark eyes flashing.

The soldier stood up straight, refusing to back down. The captain was new to the unit, but he was not. He had good friends and comrades here, and he would not allow their lives to be wasted. He used his height to his advantage and glared down at the captain.

"Yes, sir. You may be new at command, but even you should know better than to waste the lives of your subordinates. I won't let them die a needless death. So yes, I am questioning your orders."

The captain slashed his face, leaving a long, bloody mark.

"Do not insult me, soldier. You have your orders, and you will obey."

The soldier frowned. This wasn't how Aquarian officers were trained to discipline soldiers. If their loyalty was questioned, a challenge was acceptable, but this was... His thought process stopped. He recognized this. He had seen such fear tactics used before, but not in the Aquarian military.

"You..." he growled, "You are an Airyglyph spy!"

"What!? How dare you!"

Before the captain could kill him, the soldier ducked under the slashing blade and drew a dagger from his side, not yet willing to use his sword in case he was wrong. He cut away the man's uniform tunic and armor, finding a brand on the man's shoulder. It was the Glyphian royal sigil. This man wasn't just a spy; he was a close friend or relative of the King's.

"Spy!" the healer whispered. The other soldiers had instantly put their hands to their weapons when he had gone for the captain, and now they leveled staff and arrow at him. The captain, his eyes both fearful and angry, growled and lunged for the silver-haired soldier. Startled, the man stumbled slightly but easily regained his balance, knocking the blow aside.

"I'll kill you, and then my father will reward me! You have been a thorn in his side for too long!"

Even as they fought, the lieutenant thought over the implications of that. So, this man was the prince of Airyglyph, and somehow either he personally or the unit had attracted the notice of the Airyglyph royalty. He hadn't realized they'd done that much damage to their enemy, but there was no other explanation for this.

"Why try to make us attack your soldiers?! Your own people would die!"

"Do you think I care?! They're expendable, though I doubt you would have been any real match for them. They'd die doing their duty to the kingdom!"

"Lirin, look out!"

The call alerted him just in time as the prince produced a hidden dagger and threw it at him, the shine of the otherwise dull blade revealing that it was poisoned. He knocked it aside and lunged before the prince could recover, driving his sword through armor and flesh.

"Urk... AHH!"

The man screamed, falling from the cliffside clutching his chest where the wound was. Before he could die, he raised a hand to the brand. It gave off a screeching rush of wind and light, obvious to anyone within miles. The Glyphian force turned, and their captain raised his sword as he recognized it. Lirin saw the flashing blade as the man mounted his lum and turned to his troops, now his to command.

"Everyone, get into cover! We may have to fight them, but remember, they don't know who or exactly where we are. We have some advantages. Granted, they aren't many, but know this: the prince of Airyglyph is dead. If nothing else is done today, know that the life of a spy was ended here, and that we will not stop with just his death. The Glyphians will not take us easily! Healers and scouts, your orders are to escape if at all possible. Soldiers, protect the others. Remember, our duty is to inform our army of the enemy's position. They must not be allowed to slip in unnoticed."

The soldiers and healers, too well trained to cheer in a situation like this, saluted him and rapidly got under cover with the ease of long practice. The healers were under the deepest cover, but in reach of the light scouts, and the heavier soldiers were near him, closest to where the cavalry would be forced to come from. They were a little more isolated than he would like, but he knew that in this case the strategy could make all the difference. The healers and scouts needed the protection. He still hoped that some of his charges could get away safely enough to spread the word.

'I have to get some of them out. These are my friends, my soldiers,' he thought, shifting his sword so no light would reflect off the drawn blade, 'I'll give up my life for them if I have to. They cannot be killed on the account of a useless princeling spy!'

As the cavalry rode past them, not noticing the Aquarian lieutenant, he jumped right into the middle of their force, his sword scything across the flanks of lums and the armor of soldiers. His soldiers swept behind them while the archers, hidden on higher ground, carefully took aim at any soldier not paying close enough attention to their surroundings, waiting for Lirin's command.

"Soldiers! Attack!" The enemy captain screamed.

"Now!"

As if he had a much larger force behind him, Lirin renewed his charge, knocking a soldier from his lum and riding into the midst of the enemy troops. The archers fired as carefully as they could, not wanting to hit him or their own soldiers but knowing they were the ones who had the advantage over the heavily armored cavalry, not the fighters. The screams of soldiers and lums mixed with the clash of swords, then metal on reinforced wood as the cavalry noticed the light scouts. Some of the scouts stayed apart, working on slipping the healers out unnoticed. In war, healers were a precious thing.

"For the Queen! For Aquaria!" Lirin cried, knowing the cry would rally his soldiers. No troops liked fighting without a commander, especially in a situation like this. For them to know he was alive and fighting would be exactly the reassurance they needed.

"In the name of the King of Airyglyph, crush these cowards!"

The warrior knew the fighting would be desperate now, and was determined to keep the cavalry occupied for as long as possible. Calling on the small amount of runology he knew, he raised his sword, surrounding it with brilliant silver fire that lit the battlefield like a beacon. As he hacked and sliced, the sword cut through armor, bone, and flesh like they were merely hot wax. Sweat stood out on his face, and he knew he couldn't maintain the spell for much longer without risking his own life. Still he attacked fearlessly, never hesitating. He knew if he did, his soldiers would die behind him, and he could not allow that. The enemy troops quickly realized he was a threat and began to target him specifically. He was surrounded by soldiers and lums, partially pinned to his own stolen mount, when he heard the cry of a scout over the din

"No! N- ACKK..."

As he turned in his attack, he saw where the cry had come from. The scout had been protecting the last of the retreating healers, who had stopped to heal one of the other scouts. The man attacking them was the enemy commander, who, though oblivious to the healers that had been so carefully hidden and guided away, was intent on ensuring that Aquaria had at least one less runological healer. Lirin growled faintly, and the magic around his sword shone. With a great swing of his sword, bloody silver flames swept out in a wave, cutting through the ranks of enemy soldiers in his path. Before the enemy commander could realize what had happened, he was riding through a gauntlet of enemies and comrades alike, ignoring the wounds he was given, focused only on getting to the healer. Realizing he couldn't reach them in time, he pulled himself up from the saddle and tackled the other man out of his saddle. They hit the ground hard, and he could feel bones breaking on impact. In some ways the commander was at a disadvantage now and in others he was not. His heavy armor hampered him in his efforts to get up, and had bruised him badly, but it had also prevented him from feeling the totality of the impact as Lirin had.

"Damn you, scum!"

The silver-haired man shook his head, trying to clear it. He knew his sword arm was broken at the wrist, but beyond that it was just wave after wave of pain. He groaned and shook his head, rising unsteadily. The healer was at his side immediately as the captain struggled to rise, his heavy armor hampering him.

"Get back, doctor," he ordered firmly, not looking at the beautiful healer. He couldn't afford the distraction right now. As he'd half-expected, she ignored him, instead glaring fiercely at him and chanting softly, her hands covering a wound on his shoulder and the injury to his wrist. The enemy captain was on his feet now, dazed but mostly unhurt. Lirin, on the other hand, could only pray that he'd trained well enough with his off hand to handle this until the healer's spell took full effect.

"You... you killed my men... you killed my brother, a prince... I'll kill you!"

The redhead caught the wild downstroke and turned it aside, determined to die before he'd let any harm befall the redheaded healer. He fought the crazed Glyphian with a focus like none he'd ever known, scooping up a discarded short sword in his injured hand, gently pushing the healer away from the madman as he did.

"Who are you, that you think you can stand before me, a prince of Airyglyph! Who are you to have killed my brother?!"

He stood strong before the man's onslaught, but he knew there was no way he could keep this up for much longer. His injuries were draining him and his lungs burned. When he saw more soldiers coming at them, he knew this would be his last stand. The healer was behind him, and they would not touch her. There was only one option. He needed to call on the land itself, on the old power of his his bloodline. The Lasbards were an old, old family of Aquaria, and each new generation was taught a spell to use only if they had no options.

"I am Lirin Lasbard, son of Aquaria, a sword and shield of my people! Feel the wrath of what you have defiled!"

Silver fire encompassed him as he said the ancient words, and he raised his sword in both hands, his proud, noble form glowing from within and without. His enemies stared, fearing that they faced a god incarnate.

"Lirin!"

The healer watched as her commanding officer, a man she'd watched in silence for so long, light up from within and felt something within herself come free, something that seemed to have been waiting an eternity. Brilliant fire surrounded her, the purest red any had ever seen. If Lirin could tap the power of the Lasbard line, then she could tap her own inner strength.

"You aren't alone, Lirin!"

Shaken from his awe, the prince stared at the dirty, bloodstained healer as she approached, lit by crimson flames. She looked like a goddess now, despite her dirty appearance. As she stood at Lirin's side, the flames joined, and it became harder and harder to tell where one ended and the other began.

"What... who are you?! What is this?!" he cried, this phenomenon completely beyond his understanding.

"I am Reis Zelpher, daughter of Aquaria, a healer and hope for my people! See now what this empty war has wrought! See now your undoing!"

The words seemed to come from deep within her spirit, from a deep well of rage and hate, of pain and sorrow, of inescapable, inexpressible grief. Something ancient and powerful had been unleashed within the two Aquarians, and there was no stopping it now. The flames rose around them and twined together, becoming completely indistinguishable from one another. The Glyphian prince, beyond all reason or sense, charged at Lirin and was knocked back and away by the intensity of the energy around them. It pulsed in the land beneath them and seemed to scorch the very air the Glyphians breathed.

"Know now that Aquaria shall stand, protected by its sword, shield, held together by its healer and hope. Always will our blood and our spirits protect this land together, joined today and forever. When it comes time, again shall you face the spirit of the Holy Land, and again you will know true fear."

The power that had been building up exploded as the Prince, driven beyond the deepest madness by the sight, lunged, piercing Lirin's armor and shoulder. The crimson and silver fire spread across the barren, broken battlefield, easing the suffering of the dying and scalding those who refused to stop fighting. Wave after wave flowed from the two until finally Lirin swung his sword up in a great arc and brought it down, cutting through the Glyphian captain's chest. He collapsed, blood spilling from the great rent in his chest, at the pair's feet. Reis, who had taken Lirin's short sword, raised it high and brought it down, feeling it sink through the man and deep into the ground below.

"I am Reis Zelpher," she said, standing over the first man she had ever killed and looking over the battlefield at the remaining Airyglyph soldiers, an inhuman presence blazing behind her eyes, "Your sons will know the name Zelpher. It will forever burn in their hearts and spirits, and it will consume them if they rise against the Holy Land. I swear it, and seal it with my spirit and my blood as my ancestors have done before, and my children will after me."

Lirin stood at her side, one hand placed over hers, looking around at the fallen, awestruck soldiers with eyes that seemed to be looking into time itself.

"I am Lirin Lasbard. One day, the war between our two peoples will be over, and we will be united by a greater purpose in a greater world, but until then, your children will know that where a Zelpher stands, a Lasbard will not be far behind. My name may not be one of fear to your people, but it will be one of courage to mine, and as long as our blood holds, Aquaria will not fall."

With one great wave, the fire faded away, leaving a pale shadow of itself behind on the healer and the warrior. As the burning strength drained away from him, he collapsed, right into the arms of Reis Zelpher.

"Hold on, Lirin," she whispered, stroking his blood-streaked silver hair. She knew he was dying, and that she was too, but she would not let go, forcing his heart to beat and his spirit to stay by the strength of her will. They would make the journey together, bound in death as they had, if only briefly, been bound in life.

And in the far distant future, Nel Zelpher and Clair Lasbard came awake abruptly, staring at each other in confusion, but strangely, understanding as well. They knew they had shared the incredible dream and rose together, casting a quick light spell to help them as they wrote the full account of events, no detail left out or embellished. This truth needed no embellishment, after all.

"Nel?" Clair whispered as they watched the ink dry on the paper. She was startled to find that her voice sounded almost alien to her, but that face, and the woman behind it, steadied her, and in those green eyes she found a home.

"What is it, Clair?" Nel asked, her weary voice as strange to her as Clair's had been to the other woman.

"I love you. I..." she broke off, frustrated that she couldn't find the words she needed.

"I know," Nel whispered, cradling the runologist against her, "I know, my love."

Clair looked into her face and saw that Nel did understand, very possibly better than she did, and smiled, Very slowly, very gently, she stroked her hand through red hair until it reached the back of Nel's head, pulling the redhead into a long, equally slow kiss. There was no hesitation, no fear, just a simple awareness between them that there was no need to rush, no need to hurry. They had forever. They had eternity. And eternity began with one kiss that led to another, one touch that led to more, one garment removed and languidly tossed aside followed by yet another. As their bodies touched and moved together, a great force came loose inside them, the last of what held it bound falling away at last. While the marriage ceremony would make it official, this was their binding, their union, a finalization of something that had started as far back as the founding of Aquaria and had been lived briefly by their ancestors.

As they came together, their combined power spread across Aquaria, Airyglyph, Greeton, and then all of Elicoor and beyond. With it came an understanding that spread through all beings, a realization that could be neither ignored nor resisted. War had no place in their lives. Death would come naturally, as it should, but no longer would it be a black specter looming over all that lived. And there was yet more change to come. It would be slow at first, but it would come.

The beginning of the end had come, and the 4-D beings, playing their games, noticed the change. It was subtle, and only the most attentive noticed it, but those who did knew it heralded something greater, something beyond their ability to comprehend. Only time would tell how the Eternal Sphere would change, and if they would be able to change with it.


	17. Changes and Ancient Stirrings

Disclaimers: I don't own the rights to Star Ocean or its characters. I don't profit from this story. Anyone who sues me is... well. I guess I shouldn't go there.

Okay, so like the previous chapter this is not new content, and in fact I've changed very little of this chapter compared to the previous one. I was going to, but I'm a writer who prefers to let the story write itself, and this is the path it chose.

**Two Soldiers: Fire and Ice**

**Chapter 17: Changes and Ancient Stirrings**

Clair struck out hard, a runology-enhanced blade rushing toward her opponent with deadly force. Just before the strike could land, her target slipped away. In the next instant a flaming sword was pressed against her throat, the tip touching her racing pulse point. She stood completely still, fully aware that any erratic movement could send that blade deep into her flesh.

"Do you yield?"

"Heh."

And she suddenly wasn't there anymore. She stood a step away from her opponent, both to gain some distance and to recover from the side effects of her spell. Hoping to catch the other off guard, she swept her crescent-shaped short sword up in a curving arc, only to find her arm caught and her legs falling out from under her. Before she could fall completely, she caught herself, but again that blade was at her throat, but this time she knew there would be no escape. A shield had gone up around them, blocking her ability to cast.

"I yield."

The surrender came only with effort, and she glared up at her smug opponent. The blade didn't move for a long moment, but finally it was flicked away. She breathed a silent sigh of relief, but the dancing eyes of her tormentor washed away that relief almost immediately.

"And what prize would you give to make your life worth sparing?"

She glared darkly, but that blade was still very close, too close for her to rise or push her opponent away. She felt trapped, like a bird held under caught in the great maw of an air dragon, but not yet consumed. She hated feeling trapped. In the back of her mind she tried to think of some strategy, some tactic that would allow her to defeat this impossible, smug opponent, but nothing came to mind and she began to despair.

"What would you ask of me? I have nothing of value," she asked warily, her pale brown eyes searching the victor's for some sign. When she found no hope there she began searching the Plains, hoping against hope that something would get her out of this.

"On the contrary, my lady. You have much that is of value to me."

Those eyes seemed to mock her and absorb her at the same time. She knew that light and those shadows, she knew, and she didn't like where the thought led her. She tore her eyes away, surprised that it took such force of will. She closed her own eyes, but those dancing, laughing pools seemed to capture her even in the darkness behind her lids. She shook her head, forcing a glare back onto her face.

"Oh?" she asked, swallowing convulsively despite herself as those eyes ran up and down her body, desire lighting a fire in that already smoldering gaze. She had a feeling she knew where this was going, and she told herself she didn't like it. Of course, thinking something and believing it were very different things, and her opponent seemed to know that.

"A kiss, my lady, might be a good place to start."

Her first response was stunned silence. She may have thought herself prepared for just about anything, but she had been wrong. Somehow those words, those eyes, got under her skin, and her heart felt like a runaway lum in her chest. She got the impression that if she wasn't careful she would end up abandoning all restraint, all discipline, all because of those dancing eyes and that rakish grin. She forced herself to calm, almost sure her opponent could hear her heart racing, and asked the only question she could force out of her suddenly blocked throat.

"And that would be enough?"

Those eyes burned, even as that grin widened. She forced herself once again to glare darkly at this galling figure. She would not be charmed by some rogue, she decided. Once again, those eyes almost undid her, and she looked away, instead glaring at a point behind her opponent.

"I don't know yet, my lady. It would depend on the kiss."

Clair's glare darkened, but she still rose when her opponent gestured for her to do so. With another long glare at her infuriatingly grinning captor, she leaned forward, intending to give only a small peck of a kiss, or even to turn away at the last moment, but as all things had gone with her opponent, things quickly slipped out of her control. As she would have turned her face, her captor turned with her, capturing her lips despite her efforts. Clair's heart seemed to stop for a moment, and she found herself dropping her weapons and burying her hands in thick hair. Strong arms wrapped around her, drawing her close to a lean body that still radiated energy and power. When she might have made a half hearted attempt to pull away, her captor seemed to know her thoughts and pulled her closer, one hand tangled in long silver hair. She felt her lips open in a gasp at the contact and the other was there, the dragon claiming its prey. But that was not quite right. It was more like the prey had somehow become the dragon's chosen mate, and no challenger would take her from her conqueror.

"Gods," the other moaned softly into her mouth as she surrendered to her pounding heart and traitorous body. She couldn't help echoing the statement the sentiment. Nothing in her life seemed at all important next to this, and some distant part of her mind questioned that. Shouldn't she be fighting this, trying to escape? No, the rest of her mind answered, echoed by her body. This warrior had claimed her, body and heart and spirit and mind, and there was nothing wrong with that. Hadn't it always been this way? Her mind tried to answer back, but then that warrior's hands were on her, and all thought vanished. She felt herself being pulled down to the ground and trapped beneath that strong form, but she could find nothing wrong with that, though her mind made another feeble effort to do so. A calloused hand slipped around and unhooked her armor, but still her clouded mind could think of no reason to stop that hand, or the teeth that were nipping at her throat. When calloused fingers slipped beneath her tunic, touching her skin, she stopped thinking entirely and began acting. As she reached out to pull the other's armor away, she was surprised to find her hands pinned to her sides and her opponent grinning down at her.

"Do you yield, my lady?"

She glared, struggling to break free. If the warrior would not take her, not accept her surrender, then she would turn the tables, take control. She'd be damned if she would be left this way by that damned grinning rogue.

"You ask much of me. What do I gain in return? Clearly you have every intention of sparing my life, so why should I continue your game?"

The words came out sounding strong, but she feared the other would see how difficult they had been to say, or would feel the way her heart pounded and her body strained toward the warrior. From the glint in those eyes, her opponent had indeed noticed all these things. Now that she could think again she remembered why she was supposed to be struggling, but she still didn't care to try to escape. She had her own game in mind now, and if she could help it she would not be the conquered for much longer.

"Why, if you do not want me to continue, my lady, I would oblige you. I would question the words, however, as your body says otherwise. Tell me after I touch you once more, and I shall believe you. If you cannot, however... I think we will both be getting something we want."

Clair might have tried to argue, to try to wrest control of this from the other, but just then her opponent bent and kissed her neck, just below her jaw. She gasped as the other bit down, her body arching into that strong body.

"I think," the other whispered against her skin, "that you won't say no. Not to me. And even if you should, I have marked you as mine for all to see."

She tried to summon some anger at being mocked, some emotion that would allow her to take control of the situation. After an internal and outward struggle, she managed a dark glare and asked, "and what gives you the right to think you should mark me? I am my own person."

The other laughed softly, and that sound nearly undid her completely. She had to fight not to give in, to surrender herself completely to the warrior, to give up even the pretense of control she was trying to establish.

"Because, my lady, you are mine. Would you like me to prove it to you?"

Clair tried once again to summon some defense, some denial, but those lips had shifted again and her body felt as if it were on fire. She gasped as the other used their teeth to pull up her tunic, leaving her chest exposed to hungry eyes. Her opponent bent again, mouth just brushing her bound breasts. She gasped, a sound that involuntarily became a whimper when that mouth moved away. She struggled to free her hands, but to no avail. Finally she glared up into those eyes again, rage and need burning through her.

"I swear to you here and now that if you don't finish what you've started I will hurt you."

"I believe you, my lady," her opponent replied, eyes sparkling, "but tell me, what have I started?"

She growled low in her throat, her normally pale brown eyes almost black. If she could not take command of the laughing warrior right now, she would at least get what her body was craving so desperately and repay the warrior for driving her mad with desire later.

"I swear, if you keep teasing me like this I will find a way to torture you for it later."

Her conqueror laughed, bending to kiss her again, knowing full well that Clair couldn't and wouldn't resist.

"That too I believe. So, my lady, tell me where I should begin?"

Clair felt one hand come free and buried it in thick, soft hair, yanking her former opponent down to her chest, her body arching into the heated breath that almost felt like flesh against her own. She'd never known herself to be so wanton, so hungry, but this warrior was driving her to distraction and knew it. She didn't care anymore. She wanted, and she would have, even if she had to beg for it.

"Start there," she gasped, her voice raspy, "and we'll see where it goes."

As her lover finally began to do her bidding, she arched into the touch, only to find herself touching empty air. She blinked, looking around in a daze. She found herself in her room, in her bed, not on the Plains.

"I was... dreaming?" she whispered, running a hand through her somewhat disheveled hair. She smiled when she remembered just why her hair was such a mess, and looked around again for the cause. To her surprise Nel was nowhere to be seen, though the emotions she could sense were nothing upsetting. On a hunch she rose and gathered her robe about her body and crossed the hall to Nel's room. She opened the door and, as she had expected, she found her lover. Nel was dressed in her usual tunic and leggings, though without her armor, and bent over her desk, writing out some sort of report. Without even looking up, she smiled a greeting and waved Clair in.

"Good morning, Clair. Or should I say afternoon?"

"Af... afternoon?"

Nel laughed, the rich, self-satisfied sound an exact echo of what she'd heard in her dream.

"You slept in quite late," she replied, her eyes glowing with mischief as she added, "my lady."

Clair blushed darkly at the tone, her usual self-control gone with the winds.

"Nel..."

Finally her lover looked up, her brilliant green eyes full of laughter, but also desire.

"Do you have any idea how distracting it was to experience your dream while trying to write a personnel report, Clair? I've had to rewrite this thing several times because of you, and you know how much I hate these reports."

While Clair knew her beloved wasn't actually upset, seeing Nel pout slightly in mock annoyance was just too cute to ignore. She kneeled at her side, kissing the protruding lip gently, surprised by the intensity of their responses to the soft contact. Only then did she realize how affected they had both been by her dream, and she had a sudden need to make dream into reality.

"I'm sorry, Nel. I didn't mean to inconvenience you," she replied lowly, her voice husky and seductive, "Is there any way I could make it up to you?"

Green eyes widened and darkened, and she knew what the answer would be and found that they both wanted it, needed it really. Before Nel could get the respond, however, someone knocked on the door. From the shadows that fell across Nel's face, whoever it was had better be there for something of dire importance. Clair found herself perversely pleased by her lover's response to the interruption and almost felt sorry for the intruder. She watched as Nel stalked across the room and opened the door with perhaps more force than necessary, her stormy eyes fixed on the young woman, actually barely more than a girl, who stood there.

"Yes?" she growled. Clair got the impression that even the queen herself would have been greeted by an irate, almost out of control redhead in that moment, and that too pleased her, though she tried not to let it.

The girl cringed under Nel's black stare, and Clair, despite her own annoyance at the interruption, felt sorry for her. She rose in a graceful motion and wrapped her arms around Nel's waist, lightly kissing her cheek to soothe both their need for some contact and to remind Nel that they still had later. She could see the aura of color around them swirling and brightening in the corner of her eye, but it didn't distract her. In fact, she began to realize that she and Nel both were coming to take it for granted. What she found interesting, in the corner of her mind that wasn't completely focused on Nel, was that the almost blinding intensity of the runological aura didn't seem to faze the girl, and she wondered if she could see it.

"Now, now, love, calm down," she commented, her tone promising wonderful rewards if the other woman did as she asked for now.

The poor girl's eyes widened so much Clair was afraid they would fall from her head. Oddly, the girl's look changed to one that could have been jealousy, and she glared at Clair before turning resolutely to Nel.

"I... I apologize, Lady... Lady Nel, but..."

"What is it?" Nel asked, her tone only slightly more polite. Clair smiled and kissed her ear, feeling a shiver go through the strong body. Once again the girl's eyes were on her, dark and angry, but Nel didn't seem to notice.

"I do apologize. I was being very rude," Nel said, her voice just a little breathy as some of the things Clair caught herself imagining imprinted themselves in her mind, "please continue."

Clair was impressed at the spy's restraint. She doubted she could have kept her voice so calm if she had caught Nel imagining anything like she knew she was picturing. The girl looked Clair up and down before once again turning back to Nel, as if wondering who she was and why she was there. Clair noticed the look and hid a smile. If the girl could have sensed the connection between them she would have never dared look at Clair as if she were some harlot Nel had picked up off the streets because she didn't have someone to share herself with.

"Her majesty the queen would like to see you and Commander Clair Lasbard at your earliest convenience," The girl said, starting slightly when Clair responded to her own name. That was interesting. The girl knew Nel on sight, but not her. Somehow that struck her as strange, but she wasn't quite sure why it bothered her so much.

Nel frowned, noticing much the same thing, and glanced back at Clair, who shrugged slightly. She turned back to the girl and asked, "Was there anything more?"

The girl shook her head, her dark eyes tracking the looks that passed between the two lovers.

"No, my lady."

"Very well," Nel replied, her eyes softening slightly as she took the time to really look at the girl and see how out of place she looked.

"What's your name? I don't believe I've met you before."

The girl blushed, and Clair began to understand why she had been looking at her the way she had. She hid a laugh as best she could, but Nel could feel her body vibrating against hers and almost turned to see what was so funny, but Clair nudged her softly so she kept her eyes on the oddly red-faced girl.

"I'm... I'm Kalena, Lady Nel. I just arrived here yesterday for training..."

Nel frowned. The girl seemed too young to be a soldier, but she knew that she had been younger when she'd joined. Actually, now that she really looked at the girl she reminded her of Clair at that age, though she could see that she was a little less of a wisp than Clair had been. She also didn't sense much in the way of runological potential, and wondered just what Legion the girl hoped to join. She asked, and the girl blushed again. Nel frowned, seeking further. Clair was better at reading people, but what she could see in the girl's face disturbed her slightly, though she didn't know why. She was sure, however, that the girl couldn't see the aura around herself and her lover, and that alone said much about her runological ability. Anyone with any potential would have seen it and responded to it long ago.

"I... I had hoped to join the Secret Legion..." the girl stammered, breaking her train of thought, but then her eyes became downcast and sad, "but I'm told that all operatives need to have runological as well as combat ability."

"That is true," Nel replied slowly, trying to figure out why the girl looked so downcast at her words and wanting to comfort her, "but as the commander of that Legion I know we sometimes need people who are not from within the Legion. I've worked with soldiers from every Aquarian Legion, and some of the best had no runological abilities whatsoever."

"If that's true," the girl replied, looking up with so much hope and drive in her eyes that Nel almost stepped back from her in sheer reaction. Something in her eyes scared the spy, and that was confusing and upsetting.

"Could you perhaps change the rules? Could you perhaps-"

"Kalena," Nel interrupted gently, trying to shake off the feeling that she should know the girl, or at least someone like her, "it isn't that easy. I was the one who put that rule in place. Too many of my operatives could die if they couldn't defend themselves with runology, or if they depended on items to heal themselves. Those that work with me from outside the Secret Legion could not survive many of the missions my soldiers are called on to do because their lack of runological ability. Trust me when I tell you that you're much better off with another Legion."

The girl looked rebellious, and this time Nel was reminded of herself. She shook her head, then felt Clair's laughter again.

"Perhaps one day you could join the Shield Legion? We are always in need of good soldiers, whether or not they have the talent."

"I doubt I'll be doing that," Kalena muttered, so quietly that Nel barely heard her. Before she could react Clair nudged her again, and she kept her peace, at least for the time being. Something was clearly wrong, though.

"Well, Kalena, it was good meeting you, but we should prepare for our audience with the queen."

The girl reddened as if Nel had rebuked her, bowed slightly, saluted, and scurried off. Nel closed her door, turning to Clair to ask her about her impressions of the girl. To her surprise her lover burst out laughing. Green eyes became concerned at the outburst, and she shook Clair's shoulders gently. She knew that Clair was highly amused, but she had no idea why.

"Clair? Are you okay? What is it?"

"You... you..." Clair gasped between fits of laughter, "you have an admirer!"

Nel frowned, looking at the door as if she could summon up Kalena again, then turned back to her lover.

"I do not. What are you talking about?"

Clair collapsed back onto Nel's bed, patting the space next to her. Nel stood over her, arms crossed, frowning down at the hysterical woman.

"Clair- ooph!"

Clair had grabbed her hands and pulled her down onto the bed, and she found herself staring into the dark space where Clair's robe had fallen open during her laughing fit. She heard Clair say something and looked up with an effort.

"I'm sorry, what?"

Clair laughed again.

"Well, I suppose I won't have to worry about you running off with her for a while yet, anyway."

Nel frowned, confused by the comment.

"What? Run off with who?" She glared at the laughing woman, which just made it worse. "What are you talking about, Clair?"

"For someone who sees everything of even minor importance in enemy territory, Nel," Clair gasped, still laughing, "Sometimes you're just a little blind."

She frowned again, trying to puzzle out what her lover was referring to. Clair sat up slightly, and her robe fell open even further. Nel's sharp eyes followed the motion, and it took all her focus to not get rid of the thing entirely. She could still see Clair as she had been in that dream, and she wanted that reality so badly right now. She was so focused on the shadowed view that she actually didn't see Clair rise and strip off the robe until she was standing in front of her again, holding out a hand. That broke her out of the daze she'd fallen into, and she gaped up at the runologist.

"C-clair?" she stammered, her eyes tracing the beautiful body, tracing old scars and the new marks she herself had made on the fair skin the night before.

"The queen is waiting, Nel," she replied, trying to keep a straight face as her lover's eyes glazed over. She had never seen Nel quite like this before. She was always so focused, so intense, so in command of herself. Right now Clair thought she could ask, or demand, anything of Nel and get it. It felt liberating, and while she knew she wasn't exactly acting like her typical self, seeing the woman she loved staring at her and unable to turn away was more liberating than she could have imagined. Even the mention of the queen earned only a dazed acknowledgment from Nel. She felt like the warrior from her dream, rather than the one who had surrendered, and she found that she enjoyed it.

"What is it you find so fascinating?" she asked, unable to hold back her curiosity despite her desire to just pull her lover down to the bed. Finally Nel's eyes cleared, and she looked up at Clair with the focused intensity that was her trademark.

"You, Clair."

The runologist blushed at the passionate honesty of the words, and at the desire that was so blatant behind them.

"You've seen me naked before, Nel," she answered weakly, trying not to get lost in those razor sharp green eyes.

"I know," Nel replied, reaching a hand up to run through her lover's disheveled hair, her eyes still burning and piercing Clair's own, "but that doesn't mean it isn't a miracle every time I see you, naked or clothed, or in any other state. Just because I know every mark, every line, every muscle doesn't mean I don't always crave more. Seeing you like this is an answer to a prayer, a dream come true, and I hope that never changes."

By now Clair was bright red and completely charmed by her lover's eloquence. Nel was entirely capable of romance and poetry under that cold, pragmatic soldier exterior, but somehow this seemed different. This was Nel's soul speaking, she sensed, and she was shocked to realize that somehow they were even more connected than they had been. This honesty coupled with the complete lack of restraint was something she'd never thought she'd see, or at least not so soon.

"I love you, Nel," she whispered, afraid the words would sound weak and empty after Nel's impassioned speech, but as Nel pulled her down for a kiss, Clair sensed that they were all Nel needed to hear, all she'd ever need from her. The simple, undemanding love the redhead radiated was the most rewarding, liberating response she could have hoped for. She let herself fall into the kiss, then let Nel lead her to her bathing room. It wouldn't do for them to appear before the queen in this state, she knew, but still it seemed that there was more.

"Always," Nel whispered, as if she'd heard her thought, which Clair would not have been surprised at. After a quick but luxurious bath, she watched Nel dress in an outfit similar to her standard uniform, but different. Instead of long leggings she wore full pants along with a belted tunic. She didn't put on any armor or her scarf, instead pulling on a black vest made of thick dragon-skin leather that was almost as good as armor in its own right. The vest had been a gift from her to Nel long ago, and she was only a little surprised to see she still had it.

"Aren't you going to get dressed, Clair?" Nel asked, feeling Clair's eyes on her but unwilling to turn around lest she get lost in Clair's eyes, which was all she wanted to do right now.

'Well,' she corrected herself, smiling a touch wryly, 'perhaps not _all_.'

"I would have to go back to my room get clothes."

Nel laughed softly, finally turning to face her robe-clad fiancé.

"Really? Why is that?"

Clair raised a silvery-gray eyebrow.

"You would prefer I meet with the queen like this?"

The soldier looked contemplative for a moment, and Clair threw a damp towel at her, which she caught readily.

"Nel Zelpher! You are horrible!"

Nel laughed, reaching into her wardrobe and pulling out a set of clothes, tossing it at her taller lover's head. Clair caught it automatically, examining it.

"This is mine!"

One red eyebrow rose.

"Of course it is, Clair. You've left several outfits in my room lately. I had them washed along with my own clothes. I had planned to return them to you, but... this works out better."

She colored slightly, but after a moment of confusion Clair figured out her meaning and smiled.

"It does, doesn't it," she reflected, rising and shrugging off her robe. Nel had to concentrate very hard not to stare, and knew she wasn't succeeding. She did manage, however, not to reach out to the other woman, and for that she was grateful. Still, once Clair had dressed in a long skirt and tunic of her own, Nel offered to brush out her long hair. She agreed readily and settled herself on Nel's bed. The redhead slipped behind her and indulged herself in what had almost become a ritual between them. Clair sighed against her and relaxed into her touch, and Nel smiled. No one else she knew would ever display the amount of trust and love that Clair did around her, and that was fine with her. All she needed was what Clair gave her so freely. She leaned forward and buried her face in that beautiful silver-gray hair, the smell of it and Clair's skin almost overwhelming her sharp senses.

"I love you, Clair," she whispered when she felt Clair start to turn toward her in confusion. She was confusing herself, if she were honest. She wasn't used to feeling so... emotional. It was like something had broken free inside of her, a part of her she'd never known was there. To her surprise she felt a tear track down her face, dropping onto Clair's neck, and this time the other woman did turn.

"Nel?" Clair asked worriedly, startled to find her lover crying. Nel rarely cried, and never without good reason.

"Nel, my love, what's wrong?"

Nel shook her head and tried to answer, but when the reply did come it was as if someone else had spoken using her voice, but they were her words.

"I was so lost, Clair. So alone."

Clair frowned, then shook off the confusion, responding to a deeper calling. She pulled Nel's small, strong body into her arms and rocked the clearly upset woman. Nel curled helplessly against her, almost desperate for the comfort Clair could offer.

"I'm here, Nel."

Apparently it was the right thing to say, because Nel relaxed against her, calming almost immediately. Nel felt the sense of being a stranger in her own skin fade to nothing and smiled, kissing her lover gently. She could see that the energy around them had become somewhat chaotic, but now it was settling again. Nel shook her head to clear it, then rose slowly, turning to take Clair into her own arms. Her lover came willingly, and she absorbed the contact as the Aire Hills did water after a drought.

"Are you-"

"No," Nel replied, then smiled when Clair looked worried, "but I will be."

Without entirely separating herself from Clair, she reached over to her desk, picking up a worn lavender ribbon and wrapping it around Clair's silver hair, forming one of her customary tails. She looked at the second ribbon and shook her head.

"You gave her one of your mother's ribbons," she commented, smiling. Clair nodded, watching as she turned and put the slightly mismatched ribbon down. She took her hand, leading her to her wardrobe and opened it, finding a small box and lifting it out.

"Here. I've had this since I found out you'd given yours to Yvikka, but for some reason I never found the right time to give it to you."

Clair opened the box and found a delicate lavender ribbon inside. When she lifted it out, she realized that instead of one whole ribbon of pale purple, it was three ribbons in slightly different shades that seemed to shimmer in the light.

"Nel... what is this?" she asked, looking up into her lover's tearstained but calm face.

"I made it for you," Nel replied, sounding somewhat shy, "you don't have to wear it but..."

She trailed off as Clair set about putting it in her hair without a second thought, and smiled. Clair turned to look in the mirror, her eyes warm as Nel approached her from behind and hugged her.

"I wanted you to have something I had made for you, something you could keep with you even when I'm not there."

Clair turned to her and the spy was almost knocked off her feet by the rush of love and tender affection that came pouring off her.

"I love it, Nel. I'll treasure it."

Nel mock frowned, though her green eyes gave her away.

"So you won't be giving it away to Yvikka, or anyone else?"

Clair's expression was serious as she answered, "Never, Nel. Not to anyone."

Nel was struck by the intensity of her reply, but at the same time she couldn't help but be touched that Clair would so treasure such a simple gift. While it was true that finding those particular shades of purple had been neither easy nor cheap, she had done it gladly, knowing that the end result would please her beloved. Clearly she'd been right.

"We shouldn't keep the queen waiting any longer," she said reluctantly, realizing that they had indeed been keeping their monarch waiting far longer than was polite. Clair nodded, realizing the time for herself. They walked out of the room together, but before they had even gotten to the stairs Clair pulled Nel, who had been walking slightly ahead of her, back. She caught a flash of confused green before she had pulled her lover into a hard kiss that left them gasping.

"What..." Nel started, then stopped, having to take a moment to get her breath under control, "What was that for?"

Clair shook her head, not sure herself. It had been a compulsion, a need she couldn't resist. Nel seemed to understand, for which Clair was grateful. Whatever was happening between them was powerful enough to overwhelm both of them, and that wasn't easy to do. Deciding that she didn't need to worry about that right now, she simply took her lover's hand as they continued to the queen's chambers. It was hard not to just turn and pull her back to bed.

"Nel," she whispered, and stopped there. Green eyes were piercing hers, and she knew she didn't have to say more. They kept walking, but now she could feel how hard it was for the redhead to continue away from the one place she wanted to be.

'You're not alone, love,' she thought, remembering what her lover had said before. Nel smiled, and Clair was almost sure she'd heard her.

As they approached the stairs, Nel turned slightly, sure she felt eyes on them, but couldn't see anyone. Frowning, she turned back to Clair, who had also glanced back. They shared a look and a quick shrug. This was Aquios Castle, and if they weren't safe here they weren't safe anywhere, and there was nothing they could do about it right now. At the far end of the hall a shadow looked around the corner at them again, dark eyes glittering dangerously.

"I will defeat you, Clair Lasbard. You will be known as the thief and coward you are," a voice whispered. Had anyone been near enough to hear it, they would have been shaken by the hint of mad obsession in those words. The hidden form smiled, the expression closely resembling the berserker grin of a Fiend.

"Whoever said none can change the tides of Destiny but the gods is going to be sorely disappointed."

With that the shadow retreated, laughing quietly but with a manic edge. The queen, attuned as she was to her surroundings, Nel, and Clair all shivered simultaneously, all suddenly sure that a battle awaited them that had the potential to be as destructive as the arrival of the celestial ships, the Vendeeni, or even the Vile Wind. It was like a nightmare was approaching, even in the bright light of day.


	18. Raw

Disclaimers: I don't own the rights or characters of SO: TtEoT. Don't sue me. It'd be really pointless, since I gain no profit from the story and so naturally I'm broke.

Okay, I don't know if people care, but I thought I'd say again that this story is going to end within a couple of chapters. Depending on what people say I might consider or a sequel or some mini-stories so people can see where and what their favorite character(s) are.

I said this before, but just to remind everyone the character Yvikka is not mine. Any reference to her is a reference to Catfish Tango's fic, Another Heart. If you like this fic you really should read that one. It's very good.

The title is a reference to the musical Rent. If anyone recognizes the reference congratulations. If not I suggest seeing the musical or watching the recent DVD. It's damn good and I think people should really listen to the messages in it.

This chapter is the second part of the "beginning of the end" as it were. It's a short introduction into what's going to happen next. I'm considering doing a three or four part finale, of which this would be the second, technically. I don't know yet. It's up to you, the reader and hopefully the reviewer.

**Two Soldiers: Fire and Ice**

**Interlude: "How could a morning so mild be so raw..."**

Nel looked around, confused and disoriented. This wasn't where she was supposed to be, she could sense, but she couldn't remember where that was, or how she got to this place. Darkness surrounded her, and even her sharp eyes could barely make out her environment. She reached for a spell that would cast a little light, then paused. She couldn't seem to remember how the magic worked. That was strange. Runology was second nature to her, especially since learning of the aura. The thought confused her. She didn't know what aura, but she got a sense of comfort from the vague memory. She rose carefully, taking stock of her body. She felt okay physically, but her mind seemed sluggish and her responses slow.

"What in the name of Apris happened?" she muttered, looking around again. She seemed to be outside, but she didn't recognize the landscape, what little she could see of it. It was stranger still that there was no moonlight. There was rarely, if ever, a night without some light. She reached for her swords, frowning again when she realized they weren't at her back. She checked for armor, finding that she was wearing a tunic and skirt, similar to what... someone... wore. Her frown darkened as she hunted for a name, trying to remember who she knew that dressed like this. All she knew for certain was that it wasn't her, and she desperately wanted to find that person.

"Nel."

She whirled, facing the source of that haunting voice. It was familiar and yet not, but every instinct was on high alert. This wasn't right. That wasn't the person she was looking for.

"Nel, it's me. Don't you remember?"

Soft light outlined an approaching figure, a woman with long black hair and eyes so pale they seemed almost white. She was dressed in flattering black pants and sleeveless tunic, and runological tattoos marked her bare skin. Nel had to admit she was beautiful, but she wasn't... someone. She growled in frustration, trying to remember that persons name. All of this struck her with a profound sense of wrongness she couldn't shake, and all she wanted was that person. She knew if she could just remember the name she could find them, but she couldn't seem to think of things she knew she should. She knew her name, and who she was in a general sense, but not anything specific. Her last memory was talking to the queen, but her face and the face of her companion were faded.

"Nel, what's wrong? Aren't you happy to see me?" the newcomer asked, and Nel considered that. Part of her was ecstatic, and all that part wanted to do was rush to the woman and make love to her. But that was a small part compared to the side of her that screamed this was wrong. This woman was wrong. Every instinct in her told her that.

"Who are you?" she asked, her tone neither rejecting or accepting the woman. She seemed taken aback by this and moved closer, still surrounded by that soft, soothing light. The redhead felt that part of her being drawn to the light, seeking an end to the darkness and fear, but again her better judgment held her back. She would rather face the darkness than betray that person.

"I'm not surprised you don't remember," the woman replied comfortingly, moving closer still. Nel's body attempted to both retreat from her and go to her, and only firm self-control kept her from doing either. She may have been confused, disoriented, and admittedly somewhat frightened, but she would not lose herself. She could feel whatever was affecting her mind worsening, making it harder to think, but she fought it. That's what... someone... would want her to do, she was sure.

"You've been unconscious for a while," the stranger explained, smiling gently. The smile almost made her seem safe and loving, but even through the fog the soldier could sense the aura of danger behind that smile.

"Why? What happened? And you still haven't told me who you are."

The woman chuckled softly, but again there was a hardness behind it.

"So many questions, Nel. You had an accident. You were fighting a woman and she fought without honor. She left you for dead, but I saved you. You've been asleep for almost a week."

The story struck her as wrong, but it was getting progressively harder to care about such things. With an effort of will Nel asked, "Who was the woman?"

For just a second the newcomer's expression faltered, becoming a hard, cold mask for only a second before it reverted back to gentle and tender.

"She was an enemy, Nel. Someone of no importance. Just a thief and a traitor who had garnered some skill in runology."

Nel frowned at that. In her mind she saw a flash of silver hair and pale brown eyes, but then it was gone again. It almost felt as if something had reached in and ripped the image from her. Again her mind and body cried out for the woman's touch, to make love to her, but even though her mind barely seemed her own any longer Nel clung tightly to that smaller, weaker voice telling her this was wrong, that this was not how it was supposed to be. Suddenly the woman's face hardened, but this time it wasn't fleeting or quick.

"What hold can she possibly still have on you?!" she growled fiercely, "How can you possibly still desire her over me?! Clearly I have not been... persuasive... enough."

The woman surged forward, closing the remaining distance between them. Nel couldn't react as the woman kissed her on the mouth. Her body started to respond against her will, and she almost gave in, losing herself in the swirling fog her mind had become. Then, clear as day she saw those eyes again, looking at her full of tears and pain, but also endless devotion and love.

**Don't give up!**

She didn't know who or what had said those words, but she got the sense that the woman couldn't hear them. She knew she should recognize that voice, and while something tried to tell her that voice was dangerous, that she should just ignore it, nothing could convince her of that.

**Please fight, my love! I'm trying to find you! Don't give up!**

She sighed into the woman's kiss, acting as if she accepted the woman for the moment. She could feel a dark smile shaping the stranger's lips, but ignored it. She had only so much concentration and strength left, and she would use it. She found herself calling up training she couldn't remember receiving, sectioning her thoughts and putting those she wanted to protect into a "pocket" of sorts, a place where they would be safe and free from tampering. Something told her how to do it, something that felt like that voice she kept hearing. Suddenly she could think a little more clearly, though there was a disorienting duality to her thoughts. It was as if someone had reached into her mind and started whispering commands and ideas that weren't hers, but they ran contrary to the pocket of thoughts she'd made safe.

"That's it, Nel," the woman whispered, apparently thinking her compliance was surrender, "Don't you remember this now? Remember us?"

Nel didn't respond. She couldn't if she'd wanted to. Her body apparently had a will of its own, but at least some small part of her mind was still her own. Those eyes protected her, she knew, and she clung to the hope they offered. All she could do now was pray the owner of those eyes found her before she lost any ability to resist the woman. She didn't know who she was or what was happening, but the pocketed, protected part of her mind knew without a doubt that if she were coerced into making love to the woman, she would lose those eyes, and everything else.

**To Be Continued...**


	19. The Tides of New Endings

Disclaimers: I do not own the rights to Star Ocean: Till the End of Time, nor do I own the characters. Don't sue me. I'm poor.

Okay, so I'm sure at least some of you are wondering what the hell is going on, no? Well, all will be explained in due time. I know, however, that some of you dislike how much angst and sadness is in this story. If that's the case, I apologize, but you have to remember the world they live in. They're recovering from the aftermath of war, of an invasion, and of a change in their fundamental beliefs. That's hard on anyone.

I made a good number of changes to this chapter in hopes of cleaning up some of the confusion surrounding the chronology between the chapters, and to tighten up the story itself. I hope it worked.

So, that said, please read and review. I take all reviews seriously, as I hope is demonstrated in the editing I've done here.

**Two Soldiers: Fire and Ice**

**Chapter 18: The Tides of New Endings**

Clair woke slowly, taking stock of her surroundings and her own condition. She knew something was wrong immediately, but it took her some time to figure out what it was. Her face was coated with something stiff and hard, and she felt weak and dirty. It took far more effort to sit up than it should have, and she looked down at herself, trying to establish where she was and why she felt so weak.

"Apris..." she whispered, staring down at her own body. Her clothes were torn and stained with both dirt and blood, and she could see that her hair was disheveled and liberally coated with blood as well. She frowned, then concentrated, carefully casting a familiar spell that created a mirror of ice so she could see what was covering her face. She found herself staring at a reflection she didn't recognize as her own for several long moments, then she looked closer, finding her own brown eyes behind the battered features. It was her own face, she knew, but... she had never seen herself looking so battered and broken. Releasing the spell, she looked around, trying to establish where she was, why she was there, and above all, where Nel was. She had a sinking feeling that Nel's conspicuous absence was related to her current state, and that she should know what had happened.

"Nel..." she called, frowning again when her voice came out in a pained rasp. She focused all her limited energy on fighting her way to her feet, ignoring her body's dull awareness of rather intense pain. There was something wrong with her, she sensed, but all of that was shunted aside so she could focus on the only thing that mattered.

"NEL?" she cried, forcing herself to raise her voice. Even then it came out weak, and there was still no response. She stumbled over to a nearby tree and leaned back against it, unable to stay on her feet unaided any longer. She could feel the rough bark under her hands, and somehow it anchored her. With an inward sigh she straightened against it, drawing what strength she could from the earth around her. She knew Nel was still alive. If she weren't, she doubted she'd have the will to live. She could still see the faint aura around her, noting wearily that the silver of her own energy was less visible than the red of Nel's. That was reassuring.

"Nel... tell me how to find you..." she whispered, feeling for the connection that had been growing increasingly strong between them. She got a sense of confusion and fear, as well as an awareness of a disturbing shadow over most of Nel's awareness.

"Don't give up," she whispered, not knowing what Nel was fighting, but feeling her fear as clearly as if it were her own. She didn't know if her lover could hear her, but it didn't matter. She would find her, and free her from whatever was trying to harm her. When she felt the shadows in Nel's mind rise again, she focused all her will on Nel, giving her whatever aid she could.

"Please fight, my love! I'm trying to find you! Don't give up!"

When Nel's mind and spirit were suddenly weakened, her heart raced with both fear and rage. No one would get between her and Nel. Using the faint awareness of her redheaded lover as a guide, she pushed off from the tree and started across the rough land, using trees as supports whenever possible, but she didn't hesitate when she didn't have anything to hold on to. There was too much at stake. When she found herself entering a more barren area she paused for just a moment to pick up a stick that would do as both support and weapon. She didn't know how long she was walking, nor did she care. All that mattered was the knowledge that she was getting closer to Nel with every step. She could feel it in her blood. Each time she felt her lover faltering and starting to lose herself in the fog she spoke to her, encouraging her as best she could. When it seemed that Nel wasn't hearing her at all she changed tactics and started imagining everything she wanted to do with the redhead on their wedding night, and every night after. It seemed that the stronger her images the more Nel was bolstered, so she threw herself into creating the most vivid fantasies she was capable, surprising herself with how creative she could be. Thoughts of their wedding night brought back memories of how she'd come to be stranded here. There had been a dream, then a meeting with the queen... plans for the wedding, but while the preparations were being taken care of the queen had sensed a threat, and she needed her best soldiers to investigate. They had gone, of course... but they had been ambushed by several... somethings. The things had been more powerful than both of them, it seemed. Her memories were fragmented and hazy, but at least she had some idea what she was facing.

"I'm coming, Nel..."

As she got closer, she started to see flashes of a woman dressed in black surrounded by an aura of power, and she guessed she was seeing through Nel's eyes.

"Don't you remember this?" the woman asked, and Clair shuddered as she felt an invisible hand stroking its way down her body. She could feel how Nel was sickened by the woman, but at the same time...

"She's making her feel like I make her feel..." Clair mumbled to herself, talking aloud to keep herself from screaming with rage, which would be a waste of what precious little energy she had. Her body kept trying to fail her, and she knew she was in excruciating pain, but she'd sooner die than surrender her Nel to that woman. Each step gave her a more complete picture of what was being done to her beloved and how they had come to this part of Aquarian territory, and she didn't like the picture that was coming together. She had done something to Nel's formidable mind, something all the torture and drugs of Airyglyph never could have managed if the Glyphians could have captured the spy.

"How? How is she doing this to you?"

The question consumed her, so much so that she forgot to be weak or in pain. Those things were irrelevant next to that question. She could feel now how Nel had separated herself into the real her and the facade that the woman had forced her to become, and she was proud that her lover had managed to remember the technique after all these years. She knew that the woman she loved was safe enough as long as that little fortress held, but she also knew that it was getting harder for the spy to maintain. It was interesting, though, that the woman didn't seem to realize that the two were still communicating, or that Nel hadn't actually surrendered to her "charms."

"I love you so much," the woman whispered into Nel's ear, making her shiver involuntarily. She drew the redhead to the ground, starting to unfasten the unfamiliar tunic she wore. Through Nel's eyes Clair could see that at some point the warrior had been dressed in a similar fashion to what she herself usually wore, and that was curious. It was true that her outfit was more feminine than Nel's, more ladylike. Perhaps the woman wanted to create an illusion of Nel as her lady, as Clair was Nel's? That made her chuckle inwardly. Nel could be quite the lady when she chose, but that was rare. She had such a fiery spirit and will, the kind that wasn't meant for demure court life.

"You remember that, my beloved," she murmured, infusing the thought with all the love and devotion she felt toward the spy. She felt an answering echo of emotion colored with more than a little adoration and smiled. Nel was still fighting, but in such a subtle way that the woman who was overshadowing her mind didn't seem to notice. She just had to hope it was enough. She knew her own body was failing rapidly, and only sheer will and the magic within her kept her going. Once the runological energy supporting her ran out...

"No time for that," she decided, taking another step. The way the woman touched her lover enraged her, as did the way it made Nel feel dirty and used. She was trying to make Nel into her lady, and so make herself the stronger, the warrior of the two. She wanted to dominate the redhead, to own her, and Nel wasn't a possession.

"What warped mind..."

Before she could finish the thought she stumbled to a stop, looking around. Something had caused her instincts to override her body, so clearly she was in some kind of danger. Right in her path was a huge beast of some unknown type. It looked a little like the monsters that crowded the Aire/Kirlsa hills, a little like those that populated the road to Airyglyph, and more like some of the legendary beasts she'd read about in the older histories. Tilting her head curiously, she stared up at the creature, wondering if it was going to devour her. She simply didn't have time for this.

"Warped mind indeed, Lady of Lasbard," the beast rumbled in a voice that seemed as much a howling of the wind or a shaking of the earth than that of man or animal, "A warped mind that would seek to undo the very balance that holds the heart of this world intact, though I do believe she knows it not."

Clair frowned, staring up at the creature, wondering what it was. It was starting to look more like an air dragon now, or like the grand dragon that Nel and the others had ridden in the battle against the Vendeeni. It hadn't attacked her or seemed at all aggressive so far, and yet... it was in her path, and she could afford no delay.

"No, Lady of Lasbard," the creature said, replying to her thoughts once again, "you cannot delay. The Daughter of Flame is being shattered. For her all the world's energies would battle, for her blood is tied to its oldest foundations, but alone would fail. So, Lady of Lasbard, you have before you a choice."

"A choice?" she asked cautiously, wondering if she had the strength to fight or escape the beast if it turned on her.

"You and I shall not battle, Lady of Lasbard," it said, looking down at her with what seemed to be amusement, "Rather, I should like to aide you. Your blood and that of my creator is bound. It is my duty to aid you in times of such chaos and strife for like the Daughter of Flame, you, Daughter of Ice, are bound to the world and it to you."

"Your creator?"

The word sent a thrill of fear and rage through her, but the creature, who was starting to resemble something like a great lum, seemed to shake its head, though she couldn't tell with the way it seemed to be shifting.

"Do not mistake me, Lady of Lasbard. She who created me did so on this world, and of this world. He who called himself Creator was not the one."

"Who created you then?" she asked, curious despite herself. The creature seemed to blink, then a form appeared from it, standing between it and her. She recognized the woman immediately and bowed, almost as she would to the queen, though she didn't quite know why. The why's would require more thought and energy than she was capable of just now.

"Reis Zelpher..." she whispered, and the newcomer smiled, a ghostly hand urging her eyes to meet her own.

"Come now, Lady of Lasbard. You have better things to do than cry, do you not?"

She was on her feet in an instant, frustrated by her distraction, even if it was Nel's ancestor. The ghost woman, who might have been a hallucination anyway, smiled again.

"You look so much like him," she whispered, then shook her head as she realized she was getting distracted and away from the point, "but that is not why I have come, nor why the Guardian was created so long ago by the ancestors of your blood and mine together. You are in need of aid to save your beloved, yes?"

Clair considered that carefully. She didn't want to agree to anything without knowing the terms, but on the other hand she couldn't just walk past the ghost and the shifting creature, even though she may well have simply been hallucinating, or worse, this was all an illusion set up by the one who took Nel. In that light this was all very suspicious, but she really didn't have time to puzzle it out. She could feel her lover slipping away, and she could not lose Nel.

"What is it you want to do?" she asked, her tone bordering on being cold. Reis, if that was indeed who was before her, smiled faintly, as if aware of her thoughts and amused by them. That was irritating, but she wouldn't waste time addressing it.

"I want to give you the power your beloved finds herself unable to wield," the ghost woman replied calmly, "I want to unlock the last of the barriers between you two so you may fight your enemy as one soul, rather than two incomplete ones. And in the end, I want you and my daughter to defeat the Enemy Lirin and I were unable to. We weren't strong enough then to do more than bind it, but you, Daughter of Lasbard, and my daughter are. Do this for each other, and it will benefit your entire world."

"And how would you go about doing that?"

The great creature behind Reis shifted, looking like one of the great fire birds of legend, then slowly changing to appear as a great dire wolf.

"I am the Guardian of Zelpher," it declared, "Left to slumber all these millennia until the Enemy rose again. It has risen. Time runs short, Lady of Lasbard. I will be forced back to slumber if the Daughter of Flame is lost. Will you not accept my power? I may not help you should you refuse my Mistress."

She frowned at the creature, than at Reis. This was too much like a dream or illusion, but she didn't want to waste any more time here. Clair asked herself if she trusted this, and to her surprise her instincts said to do it, to let this Guardian help her. She straightened then, glaring at them both.

"I will do anything for Nel, and you are between me and her. If you can help me to find and save her, then you must do so. If not, get out of my way."

Reis smiled, raising her hands.

"Time carries on, and so must you," she intoned, her ghostly body suddenly wreathed in ice and fire, "take this gift and know your beloved's spirit awaits you within it. Go now, Daughter of Ice and Lady of Lasbard, and face your destiny, and the Enemy of Elicoor!"

A rush of wind hit her, and she was almost blown off her feet. The runologist stubbornly held her ground, refusing to panic as first fire, than ice surrounded her. She looked past Reis to the Guardian, who rose suddenly and spread its shifting wings.

"My power is at your disposal, Great Lady," it rumbled, "take it, and free the Daughter of Flame."

It rose and twisted, then suddenly it was surrounding her. The ice spread over her, encasing her arms, legs, and torso. Before she could worry that this was a trap, the flames followed, but they didn't burn her. The ice fell away under the flames, not melting so much as shattering. Suddenly she was blinded by a rush of light and sensation coursing through her body. It seemed to last forever and no time at all, and this time she was afraid. It felt like runological power, but it was too much, too fast. Surely she couldn't contain it, and not in her weakened body!

"Do not be afraid," a voice whispered from within her own mind, a gentle male voice that she knew she should recognize, "Nothing of Zelpher would ever harm you, my Daughter. Accept their gift, and go. This world was born of Fire and Ice, and if one should be lost, so shall all."

She knew who the voice belonged to now, and strangely it soothed her. As she relaxed, the feeling of being overwhelmed and burned from within faded. She felt something different about herself and opened her eyes, looking down. She was wearing black trousers and a black tunic, but they were covered in armor the color of flames. Around her neck was a scarf similar to Nel's, though it was black and silver. On instinct she reached back, her hands coming into contact with the hilt of a long sword strapped across her back, not at the waist as Fayt's had been. She also knew, though she didn't know how, that within her armored sleeves were throwing knives like those Nel sometimes used, and strapped to the side opposite the sword's hilt would be a curved short sword, again similar to what her beloved would use.

"Go, Daughter," that voice urged again, "What you seek is near. Can you feel her?"

She could, and focused all her suddenly sharpened senses on that pull that told her where Nel was. She understood now what Nel felt. Every sight, sound, and smell was heightened, and she was more aware of the world around her than she'd ever been. She took a step forward, recognizing that she was still injured, but it mattered even less than before. She would go on, and she would find and kill that woman who had dared harm Nel. Clair broke into a run, reveling in her awareness and the power that seemed to hum under her skin, waiting for its chance. She didn't know how long she'd been traveling when something stopped her, and the runologist looked around curiously. Nel was so close she could taste it, but she knew better than to rush in blindly. Instead she focused on what was happening in her beloved's mind, sickened when she found that the woman was once again working at seducing her, and was currently kissing her exposed throat with the passion of a lover.

"She is mine," Clair heard herself growl, her voice low and feral, her hand taking hold of the sword at her back, "You cannot have her."

She drew the weapon, noticing absently that it seemed to be made of clear silver crystal rather than metal, that it was about a hand wide, double-edged, and lighter than any sword she'd ever picked up before advancing silently through the forest, blade held low and ready. She heard them before she saw them, and turned slightly, looking into a clearing that was both beautiful and sinister. Beautiful because it was filled with all manner of flowers, but the aura around it was one of wrongness, of sickness. This was not a place Nel would ever enter willingly.

"Walk softly," a deep rumble warned her, the Guardian's voice this time, "The Enemy has much of her will, and has attempted to corrupt the land. Fear that not at all, however. Ever has this been holy land."

She knew that, but only now did she think of everything that could mean. With an inward sigh she stepped forward, moving silently closer to the woman. She had Nel's tunic open and her hands were roaming freely, but Clair refused to believe she was too late.

"You know," she remarked almost politely, taking more than a little pleasure from the brunette's sudden start, "it isn't good manners to take what belongs to someone else. I'll be taking Nel home now, and I'd rather you just step away from her."

It disturbed the Shield Legion commander that Nel didn't respond to her voice, but she had half-expected that. All but that small fortress within her lover's mind had been taken over by this woman, who was currently straightening, turning to face her with an angry stare. Her eyes widened as she recognized her, then she laughed, which obviously startled the dark woman.

"Kalena?"

The woman glared violently, her pale eyes full of glittering malice. This was Kalena then, although she'd somehow aged about ten or fifteen years in the short time since they'd met her, and her eyes had changed from black to near-white. Clair wondered if this was her true form and the young girl had been the illusion, or if it was the other way around. She thought maybe this was her true form, though, and it explained a lot about the short interaction with the girl.

"So this is why you hated me so much," she laughed, although there was no mirth in the sound, "You wanted Nel, and I stood in your way. Tell me, would you have taken her there in the castle had I not been there that day?"

"What I do is none of your business!" the woman hissed, throwing a bolt of shadow energy at her. Clair's sword seemed to respond with a mind of its own as it rose and cut through the mass, completely destroying it. It was obvious Kalena hadn't expected that, but she found that she wasn't surprised. After all, the power she'd been given was Nel's, and the spy was an excellent swordswoman.

"I'm not going to play games with you," she growled warningly, the sword gleaming with its own inner light, "I'm taking Nel out of here, and you are not going to stop me."

Suddenly the brunette smiled and stepped back, looking positively vicious.

"Well, if you insist on fighting, how about giving you an opponent. Nel, this is the woman I told you about, who betrayed you and left you for dead. Now's your chance! Kill her!"

The redhead did slowly climb to her feet, her green eyes glazed and empty. She stared blankly at Clair, and the runologist decided that she'd rather be tortured than ever see that look in her beloved's eyes again.

"Nel... what did she do to you?" she whispered, wanting to take the woman in her arms and remind her of everything they were. The spy seemed confused, and looked to Kalena for guidance. The dark woman smiled coldly and embraced Nel from behind.

"It is alright, dearest," she murmured in a voice that would have been soothing if it hadn't been so full of malice and cruelty, "I'd kill her myself for what she's done to you, but it would be so much better for you to have the privilege. Here, let me arm you."

Darkness spread from Kalena's hands to encase Nel's body in black armor, and two swords appeared in her hands. Clair frowned, noticing that Kalena had just contradicted herself. Earlier she had wanted to make Nel into a lady she could control, and now she was calling on her warrior nature. Within her mind she could feel that the Crimson Blade could sense that as well, and for just a moment her grasp on Nel's mind was weakened.

"I won't fight you, Nel," Clair whispered sadly, her eyes looking for anything of the woman she knew, "I wasn't the one who hurt you. I never would. I don't think I could. It's me, Nel. It's Clair. We've known each other since we were little girls. You can't have forgotten me entirely. I don't believe this... creature... has the power to do that."

"Silence! Attack her!" Kalena yelled suddenly, throwing another bolt of shadows at her. This time Clair didn't bother with the sword. Instead she threw a knife through it, watching it shatter like glass or ice and take the darkness with it. She turned her attention to the dark woman, giving her a cold smile. Out of the corner of her eye she saw Nel lunge toward her, but her sword blocked the incoming blow easily enough without needing any help from her.

"You say you love her, but you'll put her in harms way to satisfy your own ends? You are a liar, a hypocrite, and little more than a little girl having a tantrum because she can't have what she wants," the runologist growled fiercely, blocking another attack without conscious thought, "And I won't fight Nel. I didn't come here for that. I came here for you. You attacked us, took her away and left me for dead, but you didn't count on the fact that I would never give up on life while Nel lived. You cannot control her forever, Kalena. She's stronger than you are, little girl."

"I am not a little girl!" she screeched, enraged now, "I am older than you can imagine! I was alive before your line even knew what they were, and my blood is far more ancient than yours!"

"Actually," Clair corrected calmly, lightly redirecting another blow from Nel, aware of that male voice telling her what to say, "You were only a child when your mad brothers were killed by our ancestors. That makes you younger."

The brunette had clearly not expected to be contradicted. Clair batted away Nel's blows, which were coming more in earnest now as Kalena put more effort and will into making the redhead kill her. With a twist she was behind her lover, and she wrapped her arms around her, pinning her arms. The maneuver never would have worked had Nel been fighting, but her lover wasn't the one in control. Kalena didn't know how to control her, didn't know how to make her fight effectively, whereas the spirit within her was that of an ancient warrior who was as much a swordsman as Nel. More, actually, because while Nel used swords, she didn't use one like the one Clair was carrying now.

"That's enough, love," she whispered, feeling Nel struggling in her arms, "That's enough."

"You tried to kill me!" Nel spat, speaking for the first time, "You are a traitor, a murderer, a thief!"

"A thief?" she asked, using the question to mask how much the idea of her lover believing all that hurt, "What did I steal?"

"You tried to seduce me, to convince me I was yours!" the spy replied sharply, "You wanted my power. You wanted to use me like a pawn!"

Clair chuckled sadly at that, looking back up at the other woman.

"Is that the best you can do, Kalena? Convincing her that I'm trying to do exactly what you have done?" she asked, her voice making a mockery of the effort, "Nel isn't a pawn or a plaything. She isn't a piece on a game board at all."

"Nice try," the spy hissed, trying to break free of her grip, "You are merely attempting to confuse me!"

"No, Nel," she answered gently, grateful to whatever it was that gave her the strength to outmatch Nel, even in her wounded state, "I wouldn't bother. If I were the one attempting to control you, I'd be telling you all kinds of stories about our life together, about how we belong together, as she has done. I could do all of that, but I won't. I don't have to. You already know everything worth knowing about us. All I'm asking you to do is ask yourself, here and now, which of us you love. No tricks, no spells, at least not from me."

She let go and stepped away, smiling faintly. Her eyes met Kalena's, and for a moment she felt something, like an itch, in the back of her mind. She laughed aloud at that, shaking her head. The brunette glared, and the feeling intensified, but even at its worst it was like rocks being thrown at a stone wall. Annoying and a little distracting, but not at all dangerous.

"You can't control me," she remarked, "I won't allow it. I think the only reason you've been able to control Nel so far is that she was injured badly and not able to think clearly. I may be injured, but I am not alone."

She smiled at the way Kalena looked around sharply, and wondered how the woman couldn't be aware of the Guardian and Lirin within her. Then she remembered. This woman was no runologist. Her power came from something else, and with that she understood what was going on.

"I see now," she murmured softly, taking both women by surprise, "I see what you've done. You've been kept alive all this time by your madness. You've taken over the spirit of each of your own descendants, making them hate Aquaria. This time, though, you took an Aquarian girl with your blood running through her veins. You had hoped to acquire runology, but she didn't have the potential. So all you can do is corrupt and warp people's minds the way your own mind is twisted, forcing them to do your will."

"You are mad!"

"No, Kalena, I am not. You see, I know what happened to you. You fell in love with Reis Zelpher, all those years ago. And you believed that Reis loved you, though you met only briefly, and that when you were captured. She was kind to you then, because you were young and afraid, and you loved her for it. When you found Nel, you knew she was her daughter. You also chose the girl because she felt for Nel what you did for Reis. All these years, all the people you've caused to be killed, all because so many ago you were scorned. Reis chose Lirin Lasbard over you and died with him, and you-"

"Enough! Nel, finish her!"

Nel moved to attack her, but stopped, looking confused.

"I don't... is what she saying true?" the redhead asked, looking at Kalena with an expression of distrust and wariness, "Is she right? Are you just a shade from the past?"

The dark woman growled, unable to find the words to respond, or perhaps realizing that she was losing her hold over the soldier.

"If I can't have you," she hissed finally, "I won't let a Lasbard take you again!"

Kalena lunged, a blade appearing in her hand. Clair jumped forward, groaning as she felt the dagger piercing her body just where the armor ended, but then she laughed, not because it didn't hurt, but because she'd felt something of Nel, the real Nel, taking control again. Even half-possessed, Nel wouldn't stand to see her hurt. The redhead was wrapping her arms around her, helping her to the ground so she wouldn't drive the dagger deeper in if she fell.

"That was cowardly," the soldier rumbled, gently pulling the dagger out carefully and tossing it away, "And cruel as well. You are not who you say you are."

Clair would have cheered if she hadn't been hurting so badly. She could feel the energy within her fighting the wound, trying to keep her alive, and she knew she would have been killed if she hadn't had the Guardian and the spirit of her ancestor within her. She could see that Nel knew it too, and while they couldn't heal the wound, they gave her body the strength to fight through the pain and stand, though she was leaning heavily on Nel, her sword still in hand.

"I don't know which of you to trust," the redhead went on, though her focus was totally on the dark woman, "but I know you meant to kill me, and she saved my life. This woman is not my enemy as you have claimed."

"She's trying to corrupt you, to seduce you!" Kalena argued desperately, "She forced me to-"

"She," Nel interrupted coldly, "didn't force you to do anything. She also hasn't lied to me. She hasn't told me any of the things you said she would. I don't believe she is my enemy. You should go now, before I decide you are."

"I'm not going anywhere!"

A dark cloud erupted around the madwoman, shifting and forming around her. Clair, dazed as she was, didn't immediately recognize it, but after a moment she did, and almost smiled.

"Your Guardian, Kalena?" she asked softly, chuckling to herself as the woman laughed maniacally, apparently assured of her victory. She reluctantly stepped away from Nel, turning to give the spy a sad smile.

"I don't know if I'm strong enough for this," she whispered softly, "but if I'm not, I want you to know something, and remember it: I love you."

With that she turned away again, walking toward the building darkness. She looked within herself for the Guardian, finding it and calling to it. She knew what was about to happen. This would be a duel of wills as well as swords and spirits, and weakened as she was she didn't know if she'd come out of it alive. She had to try, though. Nel couldn't contain the forces she'd be calling on with her identity damaged as it was, and if she didn't fight Kalena would overwhelm her lover's fragile mind, not because she was weak but because she didn't know herself any longer.

"Guardian, spirit and strength of my blood, I summon thee!" Kalena shouted, and the dark cloud formed into a great dragon, which wrapped its huge wings around her, "I am Aireza, and my blood is royal! Come to me! Fight for me! Let us take back what is ours!"

Clair was unimpressed by all of this, though she could sense that Nel was confused. Without asking she knew Aireza had been the princess of Airyglyph when Lirin and Reis had killed the two princes, just as she knew that the powers the madwoman was calling on were ancient and unpredictable, especially here, so far from the land they belonged to. She, on the other hand, would be calling on the spirits residing in and native to Aquaria or rather to the land that made up Aquaria, and that, if nothing else, gave her a slight advantage. Very slight, though, if she wasn't strong enough to contain those spirits.

"I am Clair, Lady of Lasbard," she intoned softly, not seeing any need to waste energy shouting, "Daughter of Ice and lover of the Daughter of Fire, the Lady of Zelpher. Aid me now, so I may defend my home and my love. Take our Enemy from these lands once again!"

She felt a rumbling of the earth around her, but she stood steady and still, bared blade in one hand, the hilt of her short sword in the other. She laughed inwardly as she realized how much she resembled Nel, and in a way her friend Yvikka, just then and shook her head, reminding herself not to get distracted. Her energy was being sapped as something flowed from her body, forming into the Guardian she'd seen with Reis on her way here.

"I am Shakan," a deep, sibilant voice hissed from within the shadow, "Tremble, mortal, and despair. The blood of Aire summons me at last. Your lands and blood shall fall before me. No mere mortal may stand before my power."

"Things are not so easy as that!"

As she spoke the Guardian burst from within her, surrounding her with light and power.

"You may remember me, Shakan," it thundered, "I have defeated you and yours before."

"Atranis!" the darkness growled, "History will not be repeating itself today! The blood of your line has thinned, and the one who summons you is all but dead already!"

Atranis didn't seem at all disturbed, and Clair wasn't either. She knew she was dying. That didn't bother her, because she had already decided that if she were going to die, she was taking Kalena, or Aireza, with her. Besides, she and Nel had heard others say what Shakan had said, and it was a tired line, and not in the least threatening anymore.

"Let's end this," she challenged, glaring at Aireza, her body falling naturally into a combat stance she recognized as Lirin's, "Or are you too afraid of the dying and the weak?"

The brunette made some sort of battle cry and leaped at her, just as Shakan and Atranis lunged. The duel that would decide the fate of Airyglyph and Aquaria had begun, but Clair didn't care. She loved her home, her land, but she loved Nel more, and as far as she was concerned in that moment, everything else could burn, as long as she protected the woman she had come all this way for. There were other worlds, but only one Nel Zelpher.


End file.
